3:30 am ... Can't sleep.
Been thinking about something ... something I wrote, something I lived through in an August a very long time ago - and came out the other side.
One day - just one little day and I think I can, tentatively, say it was - so far (I NEVER say never ...) the worst day of my life.
Why this day? I watched a tornado whip through my house / backyard, I have had so many horrible, unspeakable, shitty days dealing with 'Jessie Stuff' they are too innumerable to count, I lost a baby at 4 1/2 months along, I have been so sick and in the hospital I really wasn't sure if I wanted to live ... but the difference with this day?
I was alone.
Alone on so many levels. Long before I had friends, long before blogs and facebook or even phone calls from someone - not a single way to stay connected, to just 'talk' to someone. Alone with my body dealing with the situation. Sometimes I just felt so lost, so far away from heaven - I felt completely and utterly alone. But really - just alone on that day - my mother and hubbie were wonderful during this time. But, it seemed as if some of it ... I needed to walk the path alone.
I think I am sharing (ok, because I have apparently lost my mind) and because it shows that we all have bad days - and we all get over them: wiser, more humble, changed ... And that if you are reading this - you are a part of my 'blog land' and I want you to know that you are not alone!
I remember writing something about my experiences with Jessie and saying that I had "walked into hell and back out again". I have since learned that I wasn't even close! I later wrote that with this new experience: I barely got past the front porch and 'into' hell ... Learned so much about sorrow, suffering, pain, loneliness, loss, fear ... well, about hell itself. It is a much bigger place than I thought! And truly - things could have been worse ... I know that. I learned so much from this experience, but at a very steep price. I grew from this experience ... but it literally took years to work through, to come out the other side.
Been thinking about something ... something I wrote, something I lived through in an August a very long time ago - and came out the other side.
One day - just one little day and I think I can, tentatively, say it was - so far (I NEVER say never ...) the worst day of my life.
Why this day? I watched a tornado whip through my house / backyard, I have had so many horrible, unspeakable, shitty days dealing with 'Jessie Stuff' they are too innumerable to count, I lost a baby at 4 1/2 months along, I have been so sick and in the hospital I really wasn't sure if I wanted to live ... but the difference with this day?
I was alone.
Alone on so many levels. Long before I had friends, long before blogs and facebook or even phone calls from someone - not a single way to stay connected, to just 'talk' to someone. Alone with my body dealing with the situation. Sometimes I just felt so lost, so far away from heaven - I felt completely and utterly alone. But really - just alone on that day - my mother and hubbie were wonderful during this time. But, it seemed as if some of it ... I needed to walk the path alone.
I think I am sharing (ok, because I have apparently lost my mind) and because it shows that we all have bad days - and we all get over them: wiser, more humble, changed ... And that if you are reading this - you are a part of my 'blog land' and I want you to know that you are not alone!
I remember writing something about my experiences with Jessie and saying that I had "walked into hell and back out again". I have since learned that I wasn't even close! I later wrote that with this new experience: I barely got past the front porch and 'into' hell ... Learned so much about sorrow, suffering, pain, loneliness, loss, fear ... well, about hell itself. It is a much bigger place than I thought! And truly - things could have been worse ... I know that. I learned so much from this experience, but at a very steep price. I grew from this experience ... but it literally took years to work through, to come out the other side.
These days, this experience is just a memory, no longer a tragedy, just a part of my life. It was a long time coming. I will forever be thankful to my two healing years in Norway.
But back then:
One day ...
Day One
of six months of fear, terror and unspeakable, unfathomable sorrow.
This was me stepping onto hells front porch ...
(And why I am sharing? I honestly can't tell you. But at 3:30 in the morning it just felt 'right' - that probably says something about me and my thought process at 3:30 in the morning ...)
Sorry.
Note: for some reason I feel the need to explain the title as it can be misconstrued as me thinking this was 'the end' of ... what? There is a 'broken egg' theme throughout ... they both refer to me - and my feelings / ability to make babies. The most beautiful gift, ability of women ... and I suck at it: batting 25% - I walked away from it ... forever.
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