Jessie is on her way back to Richmond State School even as I type. For all my worries, she was an angel. It was interesting to watch her internal struggle with the problem: "Mom, I don't want to go back." -vs- "Mom, I want to see my friends." She left excited, so "I want to see my friends." won out (I think by a very slim margin though).
I, on the other hand am still conflicted. It was hard to let her go back. Dressed in clothes I don't recognize, taking items I hope won't be missplaced, and wearing the shoes they always have on her (or she always picks): a pair of slip on's that don't really stay on instead of her sensible tennis shoes. I guess it was too easy for just a few days, and tucking her into bed at night my heart hurt - I am not sure why - maybe knowing that she doesn't get moms love at RSS, just care and companionship. Is it enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I a horrible mother?
Sigh ... I know it is the right thing - it is just hard. She is learning. I could not find her pajamas that Santa had brought her while I was packing for her to go back. Jessie said she knew where they were and I heard her go into her bedroom, open a drawer and get them. She put them away! She NEVER used to put anything away. Even the princess pillows my mom gave her were sitting neatly beside her bed. A good skill for where she lives - items probably won't get lost so much if she can put things where they belong.
I will see her Sunday, but right now that seems like a long time from now. I want to make sure that the staff take care of her ... treat her as a V.I.P. - because she is. Is it going to be this hard every time she comes to stay? Probably, I just need to know that it will happen and be prepared for it.
Being prepared for it means that I will know that I will have all these feelings ... too bad it doesn't mean taking them away. Being numb sound real good about right now.
4 comments:
Glad you had Jessie home for Christmas.
I know that having her home was a precious treat for you! Lori, you are a wonderful mom! Don't ever say you aren't!!! Look at how well she is doing and she knows you love her! She is still your princess and always will be, she knows that! I admire you!
shel-
p.s. I love the new title at the top of your page... so pretty. Oh, and I like your website... too fun and so much talent.. you rock! I may have to come to you for advice now and again.
Jessie is such a gift. You doing the painful painful work of doing what's best for her, letting her spread her wings and fly, is such a gift. Your sharing any part of these experiences is a such a gift.
Thank you.
I truly feel that Jessie wouldn't be flying as high as she is at RSS if she hadn't had all that you and Gary and Ryan gave her all these years. And she surely still receives it from you, even on the days you don't see her. Man, I love you and your family.
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