Dear Jessie,

Two weeks ago today I dropped you off at Richmond State School. Looking back, you were much stronger than I was that day, and not because you didn’t understand – I could see in your beautiful blue eyes that you knew exactly what was going on. You were saying good bye to your childhood and hello to your independence. I think you have been ready for this for a while – gauging this by your recent behaviours. I’m sorry that I was not ready to let go, sometimes moms get scared, and stuck and just don’t want to say goodbye.

I have been really proud of you these last two weeks. You have made friends, have become more independent, and seem to be fitting in very well. Everyone loves you – which is the one thing that is not a surprise. After 20 years I have yet to find anyone, if willing to give you a chance, that does not see: you - the real ‘you’, your spirit and joy and love for life that seems to take my breath away sometimes.

When I dropped you off on last Sunday, I freaked – where was your quilt? It’s FREAKING HUGE – how does a place LOSE IT? Why were your clothes not marked yet as they said they would be? Where WERE half your clothes? Where was your woobie? I was upset things seemed to not be in order, but you were perfectly fine with things and seemed to want to tell me to calm down, go home, get some sleep and work things out with Angie later – no biggie. You were fine … me? I did not fall asleep at all that night and felt like kicking puppies all day Monday. My mood swings these past two weeks even scare me – I can’t even imagine what Gary and Ryan think, not to mention Charlie – who I can just tell … knows I want to kick a puppy sometimes…. She has become very good at hiding in closets.

While your evacuation standby to Brenham State School due to hurricane Gustav was cancelled, Gary, Ryan & Charlie tried their best to stay clear and out of the path of ‘hurricane Lori’ yesterday, and why? Why was I like that? You didn’t care, you were fine. I can be very dense sometimes. Gary said he would drop you off from now on – you will like that won’t you? Your daddy can be a very smart man when he puts his mind to it.

One day, I promise I will adapt to this situation as well as you have. I owe you that. I owe you so much and I wish so much I could tell you what you mean to me. This letter will be read, but not by you, sweetie, because you cannot read … and it makes me cry. But maybe just putting it out there: out there with the bazillion other bits and bytes, the ether, or heavens, or the minds of those who read this – it will somehow find its’ way to your heart.

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I want to tell you so many things, make sure you are ready for this next stage of your life, but I cannot and I think that is what is frustrating me the most - so much to tell you and being unable to even try.

The funny part? You already, somehow, seem to know….

Take care, my sweet girl, momma loves you.

Jessie's Mom

Sitting in the dark last night, wondering why I can't sleep, get anything done and just stare at the walls, I thought: I'm "Jessie's Mom". I have been for some time. Doctors would ask, "Are you Jessie's mom?" and then tell me the news - good, bad, devastating, whatever. I would be at the store and people would ask "Are you Jessie's Mom?" - the answer was always yes. I was ALWAYS "Jessie's Mom" - there was no way to stop, no breaks, no reprieve.

I realize that being Jessie's Mom was a full time job. She would be up in the middle of the night often, wet and I would get her changed and back in bed - so I did not stop even at night. While she was at school I hurried to get all the things done that other people just did ... anytime - but when Jessie came home, things were different. I used to tell people when we were trying to schedule things that my life ended at exactly 2:15pm Mon - Fri. I had to be home to get Jessie off the bus, and then it was 'Jessie time'.

Obviously that is all gone now. She calls, daily - sometimes more than once and sounds good, but always asks if I can come and get her and bring her home. Sometimes it is very hard to tell her that is where she lives now and that I would see her soon. So small moments of "Jessie's Mom" and some of the hardest part of being "Jessie's Mom". But this is such a small part of my day it does not really count.

I realized at exactly 2:57am this morning that I had lost "Lori". Twenty years of being "Jessie's Mom" is a long time. The little parts that weren't "Jessie's Mom" I was "Ryan's Mom" and "Gary's Wife" I ran out of time ... for me.

So, I have a piece of paper in my wallet, small - like a Chinese fortune cookie fortune - saying: "Find Lori" - and it is my number one goal right now. After 20 years, I am assuming it might take some time, but I will get there.

I just have to figure out how to start.

Jessie's first visit home

Gary wanted to see Jessie and I was concerned about her seeing us. We were going to go over to RSS and take Charlie with us, but Gary realized he had a meeting with his scouts this evening, so suggested that we pick her up after church - she is about 5 minutes from church. I called and they said this would be fine.

She seemed very happy to see us. A bit of a problem that she could not find her cards (a roommate had hidden them under Jessie's pillow -because she was afraid 'x' was going to tear them up). So I got the cards, we loaded in the truck and home we came. She kept screaming 'the quilt'!, the quilt! and we kept telling her that she was coming back and would be sleeping with the quilt.

Gary and Charlie and Jessie watched a movie while I zoned in bed, lovely rest, just never can get as far as sleep. It was time to go.

A couple of times when they were in the family room, she yelled 'I don't want to go back', but then didn't obsess about it or cry or anything. When the time actually came, she gave me and Charlie hugs said good bye and was off to her new friends with a smile on her face.

24 Hours and Counting ...

(I keep loosing my spacing, and had to put a '.' on the rows between paragraphs - too lazy to figure it out in HTML and too lazy to re-type it - so that is why they are there)

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Jessie and I showed up at Richmond State School (RSS) at 10:00 am yesterday. We had an intake meeting with her team - about 15 people including a social worker, psychologist, nurse, occupational therapist, vocational therapist, singing group leader, swimming leader, animal group person (I forget their title - there is are animals at RSS - horses they can ride and care for, and smaller animals they can play with - Jessie is set to work with the animals), and others who I forget who they are - supervisors, leaders of the whole school, the building she lives in (San Jacinto) and more.

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Jessie just sat there and answered a few questions, but was mostly Jessie fixating on her new quilt I gave her right before we left for the school. I told her it was for her new bed. She was very excited and called to thank Linda for putting it together (Linda - I did tell Jessie I 'made' it and you put it together - I am not sure she understood the distinction - but I know it is important to you that Jessie know I 'made' it even though I would say that you made it).

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When that was done, we were to go over to her new house: a building with 6 bedrooms, some bathrooms a community room - large with 2 tv's - in separate corners, couches, tables, etc, a kitchen with tables - tries to look homey - but seats 18 - so a little 'cafeteria-ish'. Some other rooms - a game room, an entry with a phone they can make calls on, the aides station, an other places - I was turned around and a bit lost - so more rooms that I don't know what they are.

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When we got to her room, the said it was temporary. We had mentioned that we wanted to bring Jessie's computer and two other women had computers so they were running computer lines into one of the rooms - a larger room that would facilitate desks better and Jessie would be moving into that room once they moved the other woman out. Her social worker (the one the 'does' everything for Jessie) said the two other women were higher functioning and very verbal and Jessie would enjoy being with them.

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But, as I said, when we got there - they indicated a bed in a temporary room. There was no armoire for her clothes and I asked about it. Since I was now speaking to aides, I was not getting anywhere. They indicated that all her clothes would need to be marked before being put away anyway - it is an iron on lable with her name on it - sort of felt 'prison-ish' but I understand it needs to be done. Even her underwear and socks - but she has funky socks and it would be sad if she lost them - she enjoys picking out her socks for the day.

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Needless to say, there was no set up. I put her containers of toys and books on the floor and her suitcase ready for processing and her quilt and pillow on the bed. Jessie still had her backpack with her containing her essentials - so I pulled out her woobie, dog book and Ariel blanket and asked her what she wanted to do. She sat down on the bed and looked very dejected.

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I was a little panicy since I had not prepared for 'dejected'. Exicted and telling me goodbye and pushing me out the door, crying and asking me to take her home - them I had worked out in my mind - but Jessie is never quiet and depressed/defeated acting. I asked her where her new bed was, and she answered 'here'. I asked here where mommy and daddy lived - and she said 'home'. I asked her where her new home was and she said 'here'. So she seemed to have a bit of a grasp on the situation. I told her that I needed to go and she quietly said 'I know' - which was very hard to take with a smile on my face. I told her good bye as she sat on the bed and refused to go anywhere with her aide. She has a one to one aide for at least the first 24 hours to stay with her at all times and make sure she knows where everything is and helps her. After 24 hours they re-evaluate and see if she needs it to continue.

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As I was leaving I realized that I did not bring an eyeglass case and there was no where to set her glasses at night. I could not meet to finish paperwork until after 1:00 and it was only 11:30 and I was feeling very naseous, so I left and got a coke, but kept driving all the way home thinking I would get an eyeglass case and come back. I promptly threw up when I got home. I called the social worker about the paper work and that I was not feeling well and to call me when it was a good time to come back in and finish. She called me back, said she would get Jessie an armoire and nightstand and a case for her glasses, and that tomorrow (today) would be a better time to finish up. It was nothing pressing.

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So I did not return that day and had meant to take photos. All I got was the view out of the front of her 'home'. There are picnic tables and she is close to the stables. Every year at Christmas they do a huge Christmas lights display and I hear that the majority of the displays are close by where she lives - so she will really enjoy that.

Jessie's front yard

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I called and spoke with the aide station that afternoon and said she was off being evaluated for vocational training. They have contracts to to work - easy stuff that Jessie is able to do and they get paid for it. There is a small gift shop on campus where they can buy thing and every Saturday they go shopping for small items - just to have fun and learn how to purchase items. They said she will be 'working' until school starts next week. They mentioned that if I called after 6:00pm dinner that I could speak with her.

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I called at 7:00 and they had been telling Jessie I was calling and put her on the phone. She sounded upbeat and told me that she had been working and had taken a shower. I asked her if she had done it by herself and she said no, the lady had helped her. She said she had picked the polka dot socks. I told her good bye and she seemed ok.

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I was up most the night throwing up (I think I have a huge ulcer since I seem to start throwing up at times of stress and when acid has poured into my stomach), so our scheduled time of 'after 10:00am' to come in seemed a bit problematic - so I called her social worker. She mentioned that she had moved her to her new room and she had her armoire and bedside table - so I felt better about her room situation. We can now go see how much room she has and Gary is planning on building a bedroom set that will include the bed (with storage in the headboard), and armoire, a desk and shelves. We just needed to see how much space she had.

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I then called the aide station to see how she had done and they said fine. She had showered again this morning, then gone to 'work'. She was back and they asked if I wanted to talk to her. Of course I said yes, but she was down again and repeatedly asked if she could come home. I kept telling her that was her new home and that I would come visit her soon. At least I was prepared for this - doesn't make it any more fun though. I will set up a time to go. The social worker mentioned that I could do the stuff I was going to do by mail - so not going in today. After hearing Jessie - I don't think it would be a good idea to see her for a while anyway - see if she can get her bearings a bit before messing her up and visiting.

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So that is all that has happened in the past 24 hours. I won't be as detailed in the rest of her days, but that way y'all know and I don't have to repeat myself over and over.

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Headed off to bed for a bit...

Last Bus

They call it the “Short Bus”. A moniker that is kinder than most I have heard in years past. Excited, and on the last day of Summer School she said “I do it myself” and headed off towards it with her backpack in hand. By my estimate, it was approximately her 3250th walk to that bus … and the last from our home.

The years fell away and in my mind’s eye I saw my small, beautiful child: long blond hair and braces on her skinny, wobbly legs. From the top step she turned, waved and shouted: “Bye Mom!” with that smile that radiates the entire spectrum of joy … and then was gone.

I stood there for a very long time after the bus had rounded the corner.

It is difficult to get my mind around August 19th on the bad days ... impossible on the good days.

It Takes a Village...

Last week Jessie did not go to school for two days. Why? Because she said “No" and refused to get out of bed. How do you make a 245 lb person get out of bed and into the tub? You don’t. I figured that out a while ago when I tried to physically take her clothes off and get her ready for school. A half hour later I had a bloody nose, locked in my bedroom and Jessie was naked with the run of the house. Why was I locked in the bedroom? It was not that I thought that she would hurt me again … it was that I was afraid I was going to hurt her – I was that mad. So we don’t approach this in a physical way anymore – I just tend to get mad … and hurt.

My friend has a pool and on Sunday she promised Jessie that if she went to school all week she could come swim. She went so far as to call at 6:00am this morning and talk to Jessie – which was a good thing since she was refusing to get out of bed and screaming “I hate you mom”. Jessie jumped right out of bed after talking to Bonnie and having poor Gary come up in a towel and speak with her also about getting up. It truly takes a village to get my daughter out of bed … I am such a loser….

Got her bathed, dressed, breakfast fed, snack in the backpack and the phone rings …. School has been canceled due to a power outage.

Yeah, Jessie understood….

Crime Scene Photos

Day six without Gary is going as expected. Jess has a gift of making her nose bleed. Does she come get me when this happens? No. She wanders around for awhile, dripping on the white carpet, then decides to go in a random bathroom and fix it herself. All the while I am sitting downstairs proud of the fact that I just finished my last load of laundry.....

I didn't think to take photos of the bathroom before cleaning it up - it looked like she had slaughtered a small animal there .... again. Blood spatter everywhere. In 'CSI speak' I would say that she 'aspirated blood on the wall' - in normal human speak, she blew her nose randomly into the air and it landed on the mirror, the walls, the sink, the floor, drops dripping off the counter and splattering on the floor. If you luminoled our house (the CSI stuff that finds blood) you would be convinced we killed someone while they wandered our entire house - since I have cleaned up blood in every room except Ryan's. They will wonder where we stashed the body. This is something she does almost daily when she wants, and generally more than once a day...

Sigh ... one more load of laundry ... or I will just toss it all. I am running out of ways to get this much blood out of stuff. It is barely past noon - can't wait to see what comes next....

Cheesecake Therapy

Linda, my friend drug me off to lunch yesterday because I couldn't do anything but sit and stare at the computer and cry. She said I needed to get out (I'm pretty sure what I needed to do was bathe .... or clean the house .... or unpack - there is a plethora of things I am shirking). We went to the Cheesecake Factory. I left with a complete 10 inch strawberry cheesecake. My thinking was it would solve a lot of my problems ....

Ok, it's not raining rainbows and unicorns, but sunrises instead of bones are floating in my head:

"Sunrise over Bear Lake"

"Friday morning while everyone slept"

I don't think it is the cheesecake, though - it just seems to make me sick. Who knew that attempting to eat an entire cheesecake in a 24 hour period might cause a wee bit of gastrointestinal distress?

I have been thinking of the future ... well, actually the past. Jessie had a 5 day trial period at a group home in which she did not win the 'contest' of new resident. But I dropped her off on a Thursday and Gary and I did what any right minded couple would do with new found freedom - we got the hell out of dodge. Went to San Antonio and stayed at the Marriott on the Riverwalk. It was nice. No kids, just us. Nice. New. Weird. Odd.
Gary said the other day he was dreaming of our time in San Antonio and how selfish that was, and you know, I have no idea if it is selfish: wanting that life or not. Not to worry, though - we are getting it anyway. That sounds cool, to just go - like if I wanted to I could take a cruise in August - there is nothing stopping me - it feels odd to know that the tether will be gone soon.

I am curious how I will react - close in on myself, or go out - I find it odd that I have no clue.

Day Three in my decent into Hell

Well, Gary is gone all week, Jessie is out of school all week and I seem to be in a funk. All functionality on my part seemed to have stopped when I hung up with the nice lady that said that Richmond State School was taking Jessie ... as soon as I go to court and hand her over... soon.

A photo I took in the Czech Republic in a tiny town called Kutna Hora kept roaming my brain all day:

It is a coat of arms in a tiny church, made entirely out of human bones. In fact the entire ossuary is filled with 'beautiful' objects: chandeliers, garland, chalices - all made out of human bone. Long story involving a half-blind monk, a few plagues, some dirt from the holy land and voila - you have the 'Bone Church' .... but I digress. I am pretty sure it is a particular part of the coat of arms that keeps flashing in my head: the bird poking some dudes eye out:

Seriously - who puts something like that on their coat of arms? Ok, it's out of bone so I am probably not even in the ballpark of weird, but still...

I am not sure what the bone church has to do with my week, but I will go with it. I have a 4 - 6 hour test for Jessie's thyroid tomorrow (I think that is where the bird and the poking might be coming in ....).

We will see how the week progresses - I am kinda curious of what Friday is going to be like (day before her birthday - day 7 of Jessie and me with no umpire - you never know) will let you know - cause I know you all are dying to find out.

Just for fun - one more with my guy and the chandelier, cause, who wouldn't want a chandelier out of bone in their own entry?

And just so you can win that $1000 question on Jepardy! Yes, there is, in the chandelier, at least one of every bone in the human body. Now, you learned something new today....

Goodbye Jessie

I really never thought the day would come …. the day I said ‘Good Bye’ to Jessie.

The call came yesterday afternoon. I was on the computer trying to figure out how to make a blog site and it was Vicki. She is the lady who looks for placements for kiddos like mine. A few weeks ago she said the prospects were bleak and I had resigned myself that Jess would be with us for quite a while. The “I hate you mom”, the hitting, the kicking, the not letting me bathe her, the interruptions when Gary and I need to talk, the mess! I sighed and moved on.

So when she blurted out that the Richmond State School was going to take her, and take her in about 4 weeks, my heart stopped. And then it broke, and I cried.

How do you discard your child? Everyone says the right things: “She would be going off to college any way at this age”, “It is the best thing for her and for you” (true), but she is a 3 year old in a big body and I am going to court to say “Take her”. Is she going to be scared? Is she going to be abused? Is she going to wonder where Mommy and Daddy are?

It does not feel right, but I know it is.

I hate doing hard things, and I suck at it.