Dear Jessie,

Two weeks ago today I dropped you off at Richmond State School. Looking back, you were much stronger than I was that day, and not because you didn’t understand – I could see in your beautiful blue eyes that you knew exactly what was going on. You were saying good bye to your childhood and hello to your independence. I think you have been ready for this for a while – gauging this by your recent behaviours. I’m sorry that I was not ready to let go, sometimes moms get scared, and stuck and just don’t want to say goodbye.

I have been really proud of you these last two weeks. You have made friends, have become more independent, and seem to be fitting in very well. Everyone loves you – which is the one thing that is not a surprise. After 20 years I have yet to find anyone, if willing to give you a chance, that does not see: you - the real ‘you’, your spirit and joy and love for life that seems to take my breath away sometimes.

When I dropped you off on last Sunday, I freaked – where was your quilt? It’s FREAKING HUGE – how does a place LOSE IT? Why were your clothes not marked yet as they said they would be? Where WERE half your clothes? Where was your woobie? I was upset things seemed to not be in order, but you were perfectly fine with things and seemed to want to tell me to calm down, go home, get some sleep and work things out with Angie later – no biggie. You were fine … me? I did not fall asleep at all that night and felt like kicking puppies all day Monday. My mood swings these past two weeks even scare me – I can’t even imagine what Gary and Ryan think, not to mention Charlie – who I can just tell … knows I want to kick a puppy sometimes…. She has become very good at hiding in closets.

While your evacuation standby to Brenham State School due to hurricane Gustav was cancelled, Gary, Ryan & Charlie tried their best to stay clear and out of the path of ‘hurricane Lori’ yesterday, and why? Why was I like that? You didn’t care, you were fine. I can be very dense sometimes. Gary said he would drop you off from now on – you will like that won’t you? Your daddy can be a very smart man when he puts his mind to it.

One day, I promise I will adapt to this situation as well as you have. I owe you that. I owe you so much and I wish so much I could tell you what you mean to me. This letter will be read, but not by you, sweetie, because you cannot read … and it makes me cry. But maybe just putting it out there: out there with the bazillion other bits and bytes, the ether, or heavens, or the minds of those who read this – it will somehow find its’ way to your heart.

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I want to tell you so many things, make sure you are ready for this next stage of your life, but I cannot and I think that is what is frustrating me the most - so much to tell you and being unable to even try.

The funny part? You already, somehow, seem to know….

Take care, my sweet girl, momma loves you.