Events in Jessie’s past have been scrolling through my memory this week. Lying in bed this morning wondering why I could not blog about the next two days and analyzing comments that tell me to stay positive – when I have written about some memory or other that I did not think had a negative spin, I realized that all these events have something in common. They also have something in common with the events of the next two days.
I remember dressing up to go into the intensive care room after Jessie’s cranio-stenosis repair surgery to see her for the first time. They had peeled her face down, cut her skull up and rearranged it, complete with wiring her eyes out. I was warned there was a lot of swelling and she did not look good, and I was alone.
I remember the moment the nurse came in to the waiting room at Texas Children’s Hospital to tell us that Jessie was now successfully on the heart-lung machine – prior to her open heart surgery repair.
I remember leaving her for the first time with a babysitter. Stressing her medications – too little and she would die, too much and she would die (what fun for the babysitter).
I remember worrying about Jessie getting her first period, and what was I going to do about it.
I remember after Jessie had her Grand Mal seizure and was paralyzed down the left side of her body – testing to see if she could move her arm or her leg. The answer was no and I was thinking she had had a stroke.
These things float in while I am thinking about court. Trivial things about court – what should I wear? What are they going to ask me? Am I going to find the room? Was I supposed to call and tell them I was coming? How many people are going to be there? Should I be doing this alone, or should I ask a friend to come along with?(I just tell myself I am a wuss with that question)
They float through while I work on a packing list of things to take to Richmond State School. Does she have enough underwear? Does she need new shoes?
They are there when I think about what I am going to say when I leave her at Richmond State School. What do you say? Here is your new home? See ya later? Have fun?
The memories are all there, intermixed with my current questions – generally so trivial – an odd combination. Then I realized this morning that they all have the same thing in common: I was / am terrified. My scrolling through time is not, I think, a negative thing – it is an affirmation that it was scary, yes – but I got through it and life went on – no big deal. The day came and went, and the next, and the next … and each one got easier. I can do this – even though I am terrified and don’t know what is coming in court and don’t know what to say to Jess when I leave – I will do it and it will be fine, or not so fine, but the days will go by and things will get better with each passing hour, day, week until they become a memory just like the others, and no big deal.
This may sound like I am rambling, but I have sat down to write about going to court six times and could not do it. It is very cathartic for me to write, but having some tell me to think positively, in my mind I infer that my writing sounds like a downer. It is more just me working things through. It is not as scary if I can put it down on ‘paper’.
So I am off to court – in two hours. Terrified, but knowing that I can do it.
I remember dressing up to go into the intensive care room after Jessie’s cranio-stenosis repair surgery to see her for the first time. They had peeled her face down, cut her skull up and rearranged it, complete with wiring her eyes out. I was warned there was a lot of swelling and she did not look good, and I was alone.
I remember the moment the nurse came in to the waiting room at Texas Children’s Hospital to tell us that Jessie was now successfully on the heart-lung machine – prior to her open heart surgery repair.
I remember leaving her for the first time with a babysitter. Stressing her medications – too little and she would die, too much and she would die (what fun for the babysitter).
I remember worrying about Jessie getting her first period, and what was I going to do about it.
I remember after Jessie had her Grand Mal seizure and was paralyzed down the left side of her body – testing to see if she could move her arm or her leg. The answer was no and I was thinking she had had a stroke.
These things float in while I am thinking about court. Trivial things about court – what should I wear? What are they going to ask me? Am I going to find the room? Was I supposed to call and tell them I was coming? How many people are going to be there? Should I be doing this alone, or should I ask a friend to come along with?(I just tell myself I am a wuss with that question)
They float through while I work on a packing list of things to take to Richmond State School. Does she have enough underwear? Does she need new shoes?
They are there when I think about what I am going to say when I leave her at Richmond State School. What do you say? Here is your new home? See ya later? Have fun?
The memories are all there, intermixed with my current questions – generally so trivial – an odd combination. Then I realized this morning that they all have the same thing in common: I was / am terrified. My scrolling through time is not, I think, a negative thing – it is an affirmation that it was scary, yes – but I got through it and life went on – no big deal. The day came and went, and the next, and the next … and each one got easier. I can do this – even though I am terrified and don’t know what is coming in court and don’t know what to say to Jess when I leave – I will do it and it will be fine, or not so fine, but the days will go by and things will get better with each passing hour, day, week until they become a memory just like the others, and no big deal.
This may sound like I am rambling, but I have sat down to write about going to court six times and could not do it. It is very cathartic for me to write, but having some tell me to think positively, in my mind I infer that my writing sounds like a downer. It is more just me working things through. It is not as scary if I can put it down on ‘paper’.
So I am off to court – in two hours. Terrified, but knowing that I can do it.
1 comment:
Pray and think positively.
"Parents have a duty to govern their children. But the object of all good government is to prepare the subject for self-government."
-Dr. lyman Abbott
Dad
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