I wake up when I wake up and I feel it. I get up and wander this huge house and I feel it. I try to get things done, anything - I have a whole list - and I would be so proud to mark anything off it - one thing and I would say that I have my 'act together', but can't seem to because I am distracted with 'that feeling'.
It is always there, just out of my grasp - like a scent long past, but every now and again you get a whiff of it, it flows past your face like a silk scarf on the breeze and you remember. Jessie's spirit is gone and has left such a hole in this house and our family that I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get it back. I don't miss the yelling, the cleaning up blood, the hitting, but I would give anything to have her sitting in the living room right now talking to daddy on her finger phone telling him how her day went, because, you know what I just realized? Her days are always GREAT! She saw the wonders of the universe in my flowers outside. She talked to angels on the phone. She knows more about Christ than I do. I truly think she can talk to the dog. Her happiness, and pureness, and closeness to God drifted in and out of her just as she breathed, wafted and filled our house with an intangible protection. An we, unknowinglly, unseeingly ignored it ... until it was gone and now we can't figure out what is wrong.
And now she is sharing that with others. Last time I spoke to an adult at RSS, they said they wished they had 10 Jessie's.
Me Too....
It is always there, just out of my grasp - like a scent long past, but every now and again you get a whiff of it, it flows past your face like a silk scarf on the breeze and you remember. Jessie's spirit is gone and has left such a hole in this house and our family that I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get it back. I don't miss the yelling, the cleaning up blood, the hitting, but I would give anything to have her sitting in the living room right now talking to daddy on her finger phone telling him how her day went, because, you know what I just realized? Her days are always GREAT! She saw the wonders of the universe in my flowers outside. She talked to angels on the phone. She knows more about Christ than I do. I truly think she can talk to the dog. Her happiness, and pureness, and closeness to God drifted in and out of her just as she breathed, wafted and filled our house with an intangible protection. An we, unknowinglly, unseeingly ignored it ... until it was gone and now we can't figure out what is wrong.
And now she is sharing that with others. Last time I spoke to an adult at RSS, they said they wished they had 10 Jessie's.
Me Too....
3 comments:
You have such an amazing way of describing Jessie in this entry! We are thinking of you every day. Patti and Marci
Whenever I am feeling stressed, I read your blog. You put things into such great perspective for me. Isn't always true - you don't know what you've got til its gone? I know that she will be happy there, and I know that you will get over the pain of having her gone. Just think of Ashley. As much as we love her, she needed to grow out of our protective nest and spread her wings. Jessie is flying, and now you need to spread your wings too. You have given so much of your life and time to raising your children, but now you have to look at Ryan, with just a few more years at home, and at Gary, who also has given and given and given. I found myself driving past a house today where I know the mom stays home with a young baby. I felt such envy for a second there, and then I laughed, because I can't go backwards and be the person I was in those days. I also don't have the energy and the patience, so its a good thing my babies in my life go home with their parents at night!
I just read your blog about 5 times and I don't know what to say. I know time will help fill the void but I don't know how to help you. I am sitting here crying and in ah that you can write words that can describe feelings. I don't think you understand how gifted you are. I wish I could express myself better. As hard as it is to let her go, she will be spreading her wings and you wouldn't want to deprive her of that. I am so glad she is only 20 minutes away. It is no surprise that those at RSS wish they had 10 Jessies. Every one who knows her loves Jessie.
Love, Mom
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