I have received a coupled of e-mails concerning my well being (OK, I received one and Gary received one ...). Thank you for your concern - I have felt very, very isolated for the past two weeks and your concern was appreciated.
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Gary DEMANDED that I blog today. A brave man, since last time it turned into a whiny mini-rant ...
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So - here's an update:
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The doors are still locked.
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The windows are still shuttered.
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The phones are still turned off.
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But I am hanging in there!
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I should not admit this, but what are blogs for? Since Gary left I have left my home a total of three times - a Dr. appointment, to go visit Jessie, and Jessie's dismissal meeting. Other than that - I have rarely come out of my bedroom. I know it does not look good, but I have been doing a lot if thinking.
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One thing that happened is I had an epiphany of sorts about my blog. As pertaining to the blog - what am I doing? Who cares about my life and what I have to say? Seriously? All of a sudden I was feeling very ashamed at being so vain and narcissistic - and, well stupid. I have sort of lost the taste for blogging.
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I can see who looks at my blog - and every now and then, these past two weeks I have looked at the report. Some of you day after day would check to see if I had blogged and it made me feel ... loved, but I felt bad because of my inability to write anything of worth anymore. It was very kind of you to check on me (and you know who you are) it made me feel very good and I want to say thank you for your concern - but I am fine.
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I have to admit that I did a lot of staring at the fan, and the combo of my husband being in Iraq and my daughter a) flipping out and b) moving have probably exacerbated my situation and that this is very unusual for me - especially for the length of time it has gone on.
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It has given me a chance to dust off my 'coping' skills from way back in another life when I was in trouble mentally and all alone. Tricks, things to do to not sink deeper into ... what? Depression? Despair? Loneliness? What ever it is - it is getting better. One trick: One evening feeling very alone and desperate - I downloaded the Netflix app onto my iPad.
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And, oh my goodness! This non-television watching person has become an addict! So I have upgraded my situation from staring at the fan circling to obsessively watching old Law & Order's.
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It has done wonders for my mental health. Nothing like mindless trash to block out all obsessive thoughts about husbands in danger and my fitness as a mother ...
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So, see? Everything is going to be OK! I have literally YEARS of Law & Order series to keep me company through the worst of the worst.
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Gary will be home on Friday and that wont hurt either! In fact - just having him home should snap me out of it. Having a human to speak to should make a difference ... I am counting on it!
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So - everyone ... I am good.
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Not great - but doing rather well and convinced that this will all be over soon.
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I can feel it in my bones.
(Sorry about the '.'s and the empty lines - my formatting refuses to work ... maybe it is a sign to quit ...)
5 comments:
You know, I don't think Blogs have to be about writing things "of worth" to read. Your blog has become my way to learn about how you're are feeling, how you are thinking, and what matters to you. So don't think that you have to entertain everytime you blog. You just have to share thoughts, and in the sharing is the worth! Think of it as your own private journal, with the benefit that you get reaffirmation from others as you go along. Plus you have shared tons of beautiful pictures.
You are a good mom, and your children love you. Your life stinks at times, as do the lives of all of God's children. We were not meant to have an easy path here on earth, and we all constantly have to work to maintain feelings of self-worth and see things with the proper perspective. At least when Ryan runs away he lets you know first so you won't worry, and when Jessie falls apart, she does so because she wants to be with you, so relax! You are doing okay.
Some of us don't have to go to your blog to see you haven't posted - as new posts are automatically seen on our blogs. I have been worried that you haven't posted!!!!
I'm glad to hear you have discovered Netflix. Besides Law and Order are a host of documentaries and historical dramas. We got Netflix a few months ago, and I truly love it. I hate television - both the ads and the options - but Netflix is so convenient.
I agree with Cherri. I don't read blogs to be entertained or even to learn some facts. I want to know the struggles and the joys and how one gets from struggles to joy. I love the fact that your blog documents that!
I'm glad Gary will be home Friday! Whew! What a trial.
Good to see the familiar Papyrus font and the "00000" colored script selection gracing the blog page again.
Cherri and Vicki said it better than I ever could have. You're a good Mom. A bad Mom wouldn't give a rats petoot about such things, and we all know what a petoot is worth these days.
Love the Law and order series. The intellectual quirkiness of Gorem in Criminal Intent is my favorite.
Be safe my friend and know that we're all thinking about you, and rest assured those are all good thoughts!! Later AJ
Please don't stop blogging. I don't get to see you anymore and this is a way to stay connected. I just want to know how you are and how your kids are, so keep us posted. You are a great mom - don't even go there! Love you!!!!
Everyone who wrote on here is smart. I go through that "who do I think I am" thing with my blogging, too. But in the end, it does a hell of a lot for my own mental state, so I do it. People ain't gotsta read it, after all.
And I am sorry you are in the pit. The pit stinks. Crappy old pit. If you get tired of L&A, I love NCIS, Bones, and Castle. And Project Runway.
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