At Approximately 24 Hours: What I Have Learned So Far ...

While the Title suggests this is a "Lessons Learned" Post, the first part is a duplication of a Facebook Post since my Parents do not see those.

 

For those of you wondering what happened to my "Tilting at Windmills" section that I said I was writing - I have yet again kept the Wolves at bay and chose not to publish it.

 

Maybe one day I will get it written down here in my 'Crazy Life Story' ... it might be crazy, but it is the only one I have, thus it be here ... or nowhere.

 

~~~

 

Mostly verbatim text between me and Ryan yesterday ... mainly because I cannot think of anything else to write ...

 

Ryan: You're getting surgery??

 

Lori: Yeah ... I get to play with that surfin' walker after that for months ... imagine my excitement.

 

Ryan: :(

 

Ryan: I assume its super minor surgery. Also, how did you land on your foot in such a way to mess it up in the very peculiar way you have?

 

Lori: It is minor surgery but with a few twists.

 

1) I get some sort of metal plate and whatnot to hold it in place.

 

2) I will be under general anesthesia which comes with a set of risks.

 

3) I have stated many times (and to his day truly believe it) that if I ever need to undergo a surgery requiring general anesthesia, I would not survive ..

 

Dunno about the whole "Messing Up My Foot By Falling" debacle. If you read my blog closely you will remember good ole Lisfranc the French surgeon? He noticed his soldiers were getting injured with this type of injury when they fell off a horse ... if I ever find the horse, I will ask him.

 

Ryan: Do you get to keep the metal plate in your foot and become part cyborg? And also set off airport metal detectors?

 

Lori: Probably. Since it is a smaller area than dads, when looking at x-rays of the fix online (I don't recommend actually doing this ... by the way) it seriously looked like someone had dumped the entire contents of a shaving kit, or a drawer full of screws and plates and just metal crap ... VERY, VERY crowded in there.

 

 

What I Have Learned ...

While waiting on your über cool 'surfin walker' thus using an office chair as your only means of support - since the ONLY rule is absolutely NO weight on the foot that has just been cut open - your world sort of gets distorted ...

shrinks ...

warps ...

 

This is what I have learned so far:

 

1) Houses that house wheelchair bound folks have NO rugs.

None.

Anywhere.

Trust me on this.

2) Apparently, I am "Crutch Dyslexic" I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to use them. I put them under my arms and just stand there - I am clueless on how to turn them on ... or make them go forward ...

3) When using an office chair as your primary means of transportation - scratch that ... as your ONLY means of transportation, you quickly discover that going backwards is 100 times easier than going forward. I am sure there is some cute little parable, or analogy or something that goes along with this part of the natural order of things, but I haven't a clue what it is ...

4) When you have surgery that is guaranteeing you AT LEAST two months basically housebound, maybe double that, and your Internet DIES THE VERY FIRST NIGHT in, rest assured YES, god really does hate you and Mr. Murphy simply cannot stop laughing ...

5) A simple formula:

x = office chair does not fit through pantry door

y = those lemon pies THAT YOU LOVE are approximately one arms length beyond your reach into the pantry

Thus:

x + y = Gary is a Sadist

6) I am a huge baby ... and Gary knows it. Lets compare:

~~~

Gary gets HIT BY A BUS. Gary is in the hospital for 2 or 3 days. Gary gets himself home from the hospital - complete with all his broken bits still broken, all by himself. Gary gets up, showers, shaves and dresses STILL with broken parts. Gary greets me at the door as I arrive in Australia - his skin a scary grey, but smiling.

~~~

Lori has minor surgery on her foot. She gets home ONLY because Gary got her there. Gary runs around for the next five hours securing her comfort, purchasing her comfort foods and prescriptions and doing Lori's bidding every minute of that five hours. Gary falls asleep, only to be awakened three hours later by Lori's shivering and moaning due to high amounts of pain (she says).

~~~

Gary, leaves hospital after clavicle repair surgery early the morning after having forcibly weaned himself off his morphine drip early. Gary gets home with Lori. In large amounts of pain, but not wanting to dull his senses, he only takes Advil and not his narcotic based pain reliever AND GOES IN TO WORK FOR 4 HOURS.

~~~

Lori cannot get into the Water Closet without huge crocodile tears ...

~~~

Folks ... I AM PATHETIC ...

7) I can go approximately one half an hour without the Internet ... after that it just gets so pathetically ...

sad?

ugly?

scary?

I am unsure which of these fits the bill, but when Gary brought the Internet back with him ... after being gone for four hours I was pretty much catatonic, super sad and that spark for life was almost completely dimmed ...

Good thing he got home when he did! He leaves for Norway in the morning ... not willing to chance it leaving with him again, I am actively plotting ways to tank his trip ... yeah, yeah, yeah IT MIGHT NOT BE NOBEL ...

But Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures Y'all ...

 

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