Jessie came home today … sick. She did what I thought she was going to do 3 months ago. She cried and begged to stay here. She needed to see the nurse for her epilepsy meds and other stuff so I knew I would be taking her back, but in the back of my mind was a war waging. Do I let her sleep here? How big of a deal is that? Isn’t it the kind thing to do? She doesn’t feel good.
She cried the entire way in the car back to Richmond State School. My heart broke somewhere in Pecan Grove … and I just kept driving – telling her everything would be ok. As if I know anything. All today showed me was that I am flying by the seat of my pants and making this up as I go. I’ve never done this before – what is right, what is the best thing for her? Will she just decide she can cry and stay here? It is pretty convincing – and heartbreaking.
She wanted her pink princess blanket and I promised her we would find it. As if I could conjure it out of thin air if it was not in her room. Empty promises are dangerous. We just kept driving …
The nurse said she needs to see the doctor in the morning – which pretty much put coming back home off the table. I took her to her room and her quilt and pink blanket were gone. The lady helping us said she would check the laundry room – and found them. Small miracles.
She layed down and I sat by her bed stroking her hair and she calmed a bit – I just cried. I don’t know what I am doing. Right now I think I deserve the ‘Shittiest Mom of the Year’ award.
They started the movie Madagascar for her and Carrie Ann (her roommate and substitute mother) and ‘Grandma’ (don’t know her real name and other mother hen) came over and put their arms around her. She seemed to perk up and I told her I had to go. She told me ok. I told her I would call her tomorrow and see how she was. She told me ok.
I made it out the door before I started sobbing….
I so suck at doing hard things.
She cried the entire way in the car back to Richmond State School. My heart broke somewhere in Pecan Grove … and I just kept driving – telling her everything would be ok. As if I know anything. All today showed me was that I am flying by the seat of my pants and making this up as I go. I’ve never done this before – what is right, what is the best thing for her? Will she just decide she can cry and stay here? It is pretty convincing – and heartbreaking.
She wanted her pink princess blanket and I promised her we would find it. As if I could conjure it out of thin air if it was not in her room. Empty promises are dangerous. We just kept driving …
The nurse said she needs to see the doctor in the morning – which pretty much put coming back home off the table. I took her to her room and her quilt and pink blanket were gone. The lady helping us said she would check the laundry room – and found them. Small miracles.
She layed down and I sat by her bed stroking her hair and she calmed a bit – I just cried. I don’t know what I am doing. Right now I think I deserve the ‘Shittiest Mom of the Year’ award.
They started the movie Madagascar for her and Carrie Ann (her roommate and substitute mother) and ‘Grandma’ (don’t know her real name and other mother hen) came over and put their arms around her. She seemed to perk up and I told her I had to go. She told me ok. I told her I would call her tomorrow and see how she was. She told me ok.
I made it out the door before I started sobbing….
I so suck at doing hard things.
4 comments:
I'm so sorry Lori. Can't even imagine how hard that would be. And you're not a shitty mom. The fact that it's so hard for you to leave her proves that. You're much stronger than I would be.
I'll never be able to walk in your shoes, but we have had crisis after crisis with Ashley at college this year. One day she's fine, the next she is dropping out of school. She loves her roommates, she is moving to a new apartment. She wants to major in social work, she wants to quit mid-semester and come home. We just have to keep listening, trying to calm her down when she is wound up, and send her back to school. It rends your heart, and you die a little each time you send her off or get a phone call when she is upset, but that is all part of this distance mothering. It was easier when she was little and the worst of her problems was an upset tummy or a mean girl. You are a great mom, and no, there is no book of instructions besides the Spirit and the scriptures and your own common sense. Hang in there, sometimes life is just endurance!
I somehow missed this post in the midst of all of the Thanksgiving madness. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a tough time with Jessie. It's hard, but you are doing what is best for her.
You are a wonderful mother - helping your daughter become all that she can be.
I suck at doing hard things too. I know you know how lucky you are to have Jessie. But do you know how lucky she is to have you? You are wonderful. Your "shitty mom" stuff reaches into my heart and puts words to what is felt there. I wish I could say "I know how you feel" but I could never know something like that for sure. What I do know is that everthing you share about you and Jessie teaches me. I don't know what, exactly, because I'm not good with words but I'm better for reading all that you share. Thank you.
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