Dear Jessie,

Today marks 6 months from that (horrible, horrible) day that I dropped you off at Richmond State School! I can hardly believe it has been 1/2 a year ... but then I try and remember our life with you here and it is a little fuzzy. Forgotten are the fights, and the hitting and kicking, the yelling, the interruptions, the blood and the mess. Remembered are the finger phone conversations, your excitement for daddy to come home, your excitement in general, your happiness and the beautiful spirit you filled our home with like a protective blanket from the evils of the outside world.

That is the beauty of the mind - you forget the bad and get to remember the good! What a gift from Heavenly Father that I can look back and see you with altered eyes; eyes that are not full of tiredness and frustration at your immediate actions - and I think I can finally see the real you! The spirit that is Jessie. A little late, but I will take what I can get.

You called me two days in a row this week and were excited to talk to me! That made me feel good and we had two wonderful conversations - informative conversations. You are getting a little better at communicating what you are doing and that makes me feel so glad.

You have been frustrated lately that daddy has not been here for half of the times I have picked you up and have acted up a bit. You want daddy! So do I baby, but for now ... and the near future, things are going to be like this ... things are going to get worse before they get better, I am so sorry baby - life is getting in the way isn't it?. So we are going to need to buck up and get along without him aren't we? We can still miss him though! That is always ok.

You are getting very independent and seem to be pulling away from us some ... just a little bit. You have your life, 'your place' as you call it, as opposed to 'home' which you refer to where daddy and I live. One day, you will call it 'home' and I will cry that day. I am having a very hard time letting go - each step you seem to skip and dance and fly into it with grace and excitement. Me: I stumble, wander and meander in - muttering and grumbling all the way. I don't know why I cannot do this with the grace that you can - why do I have to be so ... I don't have a word for it - despondent, resistant, complaining, .... something. Like I have said before: I suck at doing hard things.

I think it is the not knowing. You can tell me very little about your day, so you live in a black hole and I so want to know how your days go ... but I don't. I need to be a detective and just infer from the snippets I get from you that you are happy. I can see that you are healthy and losing weight and being well taken for. But still - I so want to know when you are sad, or sick or missing me - so I could fix it. But that is a part that does not come with this package deal. I need to just know and trust things are good for you and try not to miss to bad the small everyday pieces of your life that I used to take for granted.

I am so proud of you! You have exceeded my expectations at every turn! I know you will continue to. And things might get a little tough here for a while (ok, they are going to get really, really hard and you are not going to understand why), and you know what? YOU will do great! Me? Unfortunately I see me not doing so great, but I am going to give it my best shot ... for you.

Love you, so proud of you, and miss you terribly,

Mom