Yesterday was the two month mark for you at Richmond State School. Things have not changed around here or there much in the last month, things are about pretty much the same. Except for that letter that said you had not been in school a bunch, I haven’t even had many meltdowns … really. Puppies are safe today. Got a call from Angie and she explained all your absences – all Dr.’s appointments with their doctors or hurricane evacuations. No explanation on why no excuses to school, but still … puppies are safe today. Maybe you can’t get the notes to school because of no backpack? You keep asking for a backpack every week and I keep forgetting to send one back with you. You went with one and I am unsure if you want one or need one.
When I realized today that I had not sent a backpack with you on Sunday, I sat down and cried. Why? I am not sure, but all I could say was “I miss her” over and over. And I do … I miss you so much. I thought I would be more scared for your safety / well being than miss you. But, man – my music is rattling the windows and I can’t fix the quiet. I can’t fix the empty. You were such a big presence in our home – now it is just a big empty house. I will get over my ‘mood’, but now I know that it will always come back … sometime. With time, I am sure I will be ready for them.
I bump into ghosts all day. Memories of you and things you did that make me smile. How come I could not see those when you were here? It was all the bathing, feeding, and cleaning up after – how come I didn’t see past that more often and just watch you …. be you? I wish I could go back and just enjoy you more. Enjoy your enthusiasm, your joy, your conversations with your finger phone and imaginary friends, your belly laughs. So now I do – call me crazy – it’s done so often, but right now you are sitting on the couch in the living room talking to daddy on your finger phone telling him about Glen, laughing and asking him all sorts of questions. You make me smile.
Mommy has noticed her days getting bigger and bigger and needs to figure out what she is going to do. Lately she has filled it with writing silly things like ‘Discourses on Usefulness’, but that can’t go on forever. Like Andy Dufresne says in “Shawshank Redemption” I need to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ and I am much too young for the later! I will figure it out – I just forgot how long 24 hours is in ‘Jessie free’ time.
Mommy is not going to see you for a few weeks. She is headed off for a much needed vacation with a dear friend. I will think about you, maybe I will lose this funk that seems to cloud over my days lately. Maybe I can get you a backpack in Jamaica! That would be fun. I’m on it.
Take care baby girl. If you don’t call me this afternoon, know that I will be calling you.
Mommy loves you.
When I realized today that I had not sent a backpack with you on Sunday, I sat down and cried. Why? I am not sure, but all I could say was “I miss her” over and over. And I do … I miss you so much. I thought I would be more scared for your safety / well being than miss you. But, man – my music is rattling the windows and I can’t fix the quiet. I can’t fix the empty. You were such a big presence in our home – now it is just a big empty house. I will get over my ‘mood’, but now I know that it will always come back … sometime. With time, I am sure I will be ready for them.
I bump into ghosts all day. Memories of you and things you did that make me smile. How come I could not see those when you were here? It was all the bathing, feeding, and cleaning up after – how come I didn’t see past that more often and just watch you …. be you? I wish I could go back and just enjoy you more. Enjoy your enthusiasm, your joy, your conversations with your finger phone and imaginary friends, your belly laughs. So now I do – call me crazy – it’s done so often, but right now you are sitting on the couch in the living room talking to daddy on your finger phone telling him about Glen, laughing and asking him all sorts of questions. You make me smile.
Mommy has noticed her days getting bigger and bigger and needs to figure out what she is going to do. Lately she has filled it with writing silly things like ‘Discourses on Usefulness’, but that can’t go on forever. Like Andy Dufresne says in “Shawshank Redemption” I need to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ and I am much too young for the later! I will figure it out – I just forgot how long 24 hours is in ‘Jessie free’ time.
Mommy is not going to see you for a few weeks. She is headed off for a much needed vacation with a dear friend. I will think about you, maybe I will lose this funk that seems to cloud over my days lately. Maybe I can get you a backpack in Jamaica! That would be fun. I’m on it.
Take care baby girl. If you don’t call me this afternoon, know that I will be calling you.
Mommy loves you.
1 comment:
That is so awesome. I am happy that someone worked with Jessie to say the "love" word. You are loved! Hang in there.
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