Ryan

Recieved this text from Ryan a little while ago. It totally made my day. He's not one to say things like this so it makes it all the more special.

Have I mentioned what a wonderful kid he is? I know it is just 'mom' talking, but his kindness, his patience with Jessie, his compassion and maturity beyond his years makes me so proud to be his mother. He is my friend and we can talk about anything. He watches out for me when I am ill, makes me laugh when I am depressed and tries so hard to be a good son, it pains me to watch him struggle.

I am one very lucky mom.

Fortune Cookies

When Gary got to the polls at 6:30pm yesterday, he discovered that his change of address request had not been processed, which meant he was not at the correct location to vote. He had to run over to the area where we lived before Norway.

We decided that while he was at it, he might as well pick up Panda Garden for dinner – an oriental restaurant that we liked. Brought it home, had dinner. Later I started snacking on the fortune cookies.

First fortune: “You will exceed even your own expectations.” ‘Kay, whatever – I aim low…

Second fortune: “You will exceed even your own expectations.” Hmmm, is there a lesson here? A funky batch of cookies? Was the cosmos trying to tell me something? I didn’t know, didn’t care.

This morning – breakfast of champions – a fortune cookie: “You will exceed even your own expectations.” Now I’m looking over my shoulder, kinda creeped out. I can hear the “If you build it, they will come” mantra repeating over and over in my head … don’t want to build a baseball field.

But:

What? I will exceed even my own expectations – in what? Stupidity? Mediocrity? Brilliance? That’s the thing about fortune cookies … you can take it to mean anything you want.

I choose brillance.

Election Day

Had the privilege of voting yesterday. Had the privilege of doing so with my son. His enthusiasm and excitement were contagious – he was fun to watch.

I am glad we went over together.

Fishies

We were only able to snorkel in Cozumel, Mexico. The weather was not cooperating with us the other days, so I did not get many underwater photos. The water in Cozumel was a bit murky, but took photos anyway:

Hopefully I will get better shots in Hawaii.

Allan's Town

Georgetown, Grand Cayman – Thursday morning. The weather has not exactly cooperated with us, but not looking too bad. We tender in, find the bus to Seven Mile Beach and get on. And we wait. And we wait. The gentleman is clearly trying to fill the bus - and with the price of gas these days who can blame him?

More people get on and we are full. And we wait. Oh … jump seats down the middle. A lady yells to him can we “go already”. Typical rude American … always in a hurry. He gives her a nasty stare, and shuts the door so he does not have to hear her. And we wait some more. Pretty soon, though, we are off!

We are enjoying the beautiful scenery ... right up until the scenery we were supposed to get off by (a Marriott hotel) goes whizzing by. Bonne shouts out, but is ignored. Seven Mile Beach, I am assuming is, well - seven miles long. The miles whiz by. Bonne is admiring the hotels, I am calculating the walk back to where we want to be.

We stop at a park and the gentleman tells everyone without tour tickets to get out of the van. We get out and wait to ask him why he did not stop where the vans normally stop, used to stop. He is apologetic and says that he will take us there … back into the van.

We turn around and head back the way we came. Beautiful hotels – I enjoy them this time. We are really in no hurry and I do not have to hoof it. We arrive at the tour groups destination (just short of the Marriott) … or are we? A discussion ensues and the gentleman tells everyone ‘back in the van’. He apologizes and says that he misunderstood, it is somewhere else.

We turn around and are rolling again. Stop at the park where we left the ‘unticketed’ and everyone gets out. Bonne and I wait until he is ready to take us back. He apologizes again and says he will take us now to the Marriott. He has been nothing but kind to us. We tell him it is OK, we are not in any big hurry.

We turn around yet again and start out for our final destination. I have picked out my favorite hotel, point it out to Bonne – discuss the merits of the others, and soon we are there! He gets out, takes each of us by the hand, escorts us across the street and then engulfs each of us in a bear hug.

As we talk about this gentleman and discuss his actions, we realize that he is a very simple man, probably has an I.Q. in the low 70’s and in Bonne speak: “Is precious”. We smiled about the mix ups and then enjoy being the only two people on the beach.

We decide it is time to go, pack our things and head to the bus stop. We wonder how long it will take to get a van – being off season and not the best weather. One comes speeding along and Bonne waves. It drives on by. No, wait – it has stopped up ahead … and curiously enough is backing up in very congested traffic. We head toward it, jump in – taking the last two jump seats thrilled we are headed back to port so soon.

I look up and smiling at me from the rear view mirror is our friend. “I took you there this morning, yes?” he says. We told him that yes, we were the two drop-offs. He is telling the group that he had taken us to our destination that morning – the group being ‘a group’ on a tour all together. I feel like hiding under my jump seat ... Bonne is laughing.

He asks if we have 15 extra minutes and we answer in the affirmative (little did we know he was asking the tour group, not us). The next place we end up is a parking lot filled with vans and a group of men clustered around a booth. Our driver gets out, points at us repeatedly and we surmise that he is asking permission to take us to port – he feels he needs permission. We offer to walk – we had driven miles, but were only about three blocks from port.

He jumps back in grinning again – and off we go. Get dropped off at the port with everyone else. We thank him and in exchange we get huge bear hugs. We ask him his name: Allan.

Georgetown, Grand Cayman … what will forever in my mind be Allan’s Town.

Who Came Knocking at Your Door?

(Note - this might be one of those things that you really had to be there ....)

Halloween

When I realized the cruise was going to be over Halloween, I didn't think anything of it. Not a holiday we really get into. Not a lot of kids even come to our door. Gary complained when I told him, but that's just because he didn't want to bother getting up if the doorbell rang.... I could miss it, no problem.

Thinking Things Might Get Strange:

First Clue: Boarded the ship and discovered we were on the "Gayribbean Cruise" a large group of gay men were aboard and had their own information desk, private functions, etc.

Second Clue: On TV watching the ships channel the second night out, we saw 5 men, all with different colored feather boa's being interviewed. They were funny ... and said just wait for Halloween.

Third Clue: On Halloween, I went up mid-day for one of my many diet coke's and discovered that the atrium and other areas had been transformed into a Halloween Wonderland: cobwebs, carved pumpkins, spooky horse drawn carriage, witches, ghosts, skeletons, heads floating in bowls ... the usual.

Started thinking... maybe Halloween was not going to be ignored on this ship.

Bonne and I went up to an area with a lot of seating and a main walkway after dinner and discovered about 1/3 of the people were in costumes. It was a great place to people watch and take photos since it was a main throughway. Some great costumes - some not so great costumes, but the gay men? Oh. My. Gosh. Fabulous costumes. We had Slave Boys (my personal favorite - I'm talking PRETTY Slave Boys), Lucille Ball, Roman Solders, Fairies, S&M companions, stewardesses, a couple of 'R' rated Hooters waitresses and of course - the Boa Brigade.

I think you had to have been there to fully comprehend the hysterically funny atmosphere. Bonne was laughing full on to tears and I was close to it. I was the cameraman, she was the wrangler. I guess she was actually the gay man wrangler - but that just sounds wrong.... She would stop couples and ask if we could take their photo. I was actually called 'the paparazzi' by the Boa Brigade - "No more paparazzi" they were pleading (they had just finished dancing) - got them to pose anyway. Won't go into detail on all the costumes - totally professional things, but the Boa Brigade: think fishnet stockings, heels, a black thong type lacy bodysuit, tux jacket with tails, feather boa and a very large chorus line feather headdress. All the 'girls' were charming, gracious, polite, and funny as hell.

We had a quest - I told her I needed the 'trifecta' of photos: of course the Slave Boys ... plus the Roman Soldiers (or what ever they were - cute guys in short skirts) and the Boa Brigade. We amended that to include Lucy - she was adorable - even with a five o-clock shadow...

We got the Slave Boys, the Boa Brigade and then ran into the Roman Soldiers. Got them to pose and high fived - laughing hysterically - we had hit the trifecta! Ok, the boat was rocking and we were swerving and we admitted we were drunk although no alcohol had been consumed - it is a mystery even to us.... That's when we decided the evening and my photos would not be complete without Lucy - so off we went. First place we go - Karaoke. Who was singing? Yeah ... Lucy - she had a very good voice. I loved watching her walk - never could quite get her sea legs with those heels on.... She posed for me after her song.

Went back down to the room, loaded the photos on my laptop and scrolled through them - and started laughing again - hysterically. Neighbors were probably taking bets on how many drinks we had with dinner....

Halloween will NEVER be the same.



(I hope I have not offended anyone ... it was not my intention)

I Love Boats

8:00am. I am sitting on a deck chair, level 3. The sun has cleared the horizon and then some. It kisses my face and body and warms my aching muscles. My camera is by my side and a diet coke is within easy reach. The cool breeze offsets any discomfort from the sun. I am alone; hundreds of deck chairs, stacked up and no one around. The boat gently rocks and makes a hypnotic splashing sound as it cuts through the waves. Blue is everywhere: the light blue morning sky, the sapphire blue of the water and everything in between. Everything calms, there is nothing to agitate. I am at complete and total peace.

What's not to love?

Withdrawls

Well, I'm back....

Was very unhappy to find this note on the door to the Internet Cafe on the ship on the first day. Didn't quite contemplate getting back off, but knew it was not going to be smooth sailing for me. I like to stay connected ... and apparently I am addicted to blogging. I missed it, so typed up a few blogs while on the ship to post once the computer got fixed (it didn't) or I came home.


Had a thoroughly enjoyable time, ate way too much, sat way too much while Bonne worked out, had wonderful conversations with Bonne and since most of you read this out of order and have read the Halloween post and already know - had a hysterically funny time on board!

Ha Det Bra!!

( 'ha deh bra' - Goodbye in Norwegian)

Carnival Conquest - my home for the next 8 days

Bye, y'all. I'm headed to the Carribean. Will blog if I can. I sent daily e-mails home of my adventures on my last cruise with Bonne (I was blogging before I was blogging and didn't even know it) and discovered that the internet reception can be tricky. If I get reception, I will post something, if not, well y'all probably don't care!

I'm outta here....

It Fits!!!

Thanks to a very large collapsible suitcase - that I cannot lift - I will be able to clothe myself on the cruise - no worries!!


Bonne will be ever so happy....

Going on a Cruise:

Snorkeling equipment: fins, mask, snorkel, booties .... check
Sunscreen, backpack for day excursions ... check
Laptop with wifi and external drive and other accessories ... check
10.1 megapixel digital SLR camera and charger ... check
7.1 megapixel small camera and charger ... check
7.1 megapixel waterproof camera and charger ... check
Photo card reader and other misc electronics ... check
Camera and laptopt backpack ... check
Ipod and charger ... check
Palm with charger ... check

Clothes, toiletries .... um, I'm outta space

Crap ... It's not gonna all fit .... Guess I will be wearing the same outfit every day

Dueling Cameras

"Shootout" in Prague:

Just 'cause I like the photo.

Scoutmaster's Wife

Campouts. Not my style anymore - too much dirt, too many bugs, too many hard surfaces and too little soft.

This is one job that seems to ooze over into everyone in the house at the time. The packing, the shopping for food, getting the trailer, packing the trailer, filling up the water jugs, the phone calls, last minute cancellations, last minute boy additions, food redo's. I don't know how he does it all.

I am just glad I am only the wife ... and thankful he has finally pulled out of the driveway...

Confessions of a recovering Addict

Living in Norway changed some of my habits. We had two TV's connected to a satellite dish - although I never got one working and the TV repairman was so vicious about Americans, I was sort of relieved that he just put me off for an entire year and a half. One was enough. I quickly discovered that if it did not have some bizarre show about naked people covered in snails - all in Swedish, it was a European news channel which always made me cringe. Never very complimentary to those 'across the puddle'.

When Jessie was about 1 year old I realized I was achingly lonely, scared and had absolutely no one. Did I reach out to people for support, try to find friends, join a support group for handicapped children? No. I turned on the TV. PBS, I realized was good enough. Or the Today show in the morning - people were talking and the house was not so quiet. It stayed on until it was turned off to be packed up and shipped to Norway approximately 15 years later. And when I say 'it' we had 5 TV's which sometimes all were playing on the same channel so I could move from room to room and I could have my comforting background noise.

So, being a Today show junkie, I was going through news withdrawals when I was in Norway and very dissatisfied with what was on TV, started in on the Internet with gusto. I would search all the news web sites and large newspaper sites just to feel connected to the US. I found all sorts of web sites that I enjoyed reading and soon, my whole day could be consumed in Wikipedia reading about the Romanov's, or Queen Victoria, or Norwegian history. I loved that most every other word was colored - labeling it a link to itself. If the subject of the 100 Years' War came up in some article I was reading, I would click on it and read about it, and then click on something else I was interested in until I was nested so deep I couldn't remember the subject I had decided to 'research' that day. Wiki is my friend and will always be my friend. True it is written by people like you and me, but monitored closely for content and a study showed it as accurate as the Enclycopedia Britannica - but I really don't know how that would be verified.

Another web site I would visit daily - with Ryan is Cuteoverload.com. A blog about a collection of video snippets and photos of disgustingly cute and adorable animals. After he came home we would browse the new entries and say 'awwwww' a lot. I still visit it today.

I found a woman I really love to read (except for now because she has written some political stuff and I don't like talking politics - whether I agree with her or not - it is just not as fun to read). She is an inactive Mormon living in SLC with her husband and daughter. She suffers from depression and has been very open about it. Dooce.com is irreverent, foul mouthed (sometimes) but I would kill to be able to write like she does and I enjoy the letters she writes her daughter, the conversations she has with her daughter and husband, and I am in love with her photography - especially the 'daily Chuck' photo which more often than not - has him (her dog) balancing something on his head.

When I read somewhere that she was up for a 'webby award' for best blog - I went over to read it. In her 'about me' she discusses her lapse in faith and I felt I needed to read her entire blog just to give her a chance. It is years, and years long - but I read it all and became addicted to her beautiful writing (minus the really bad potty mouth parts) and photos. I was especially impressed after the birth of her daughter, she had to be committed for a while for post-partum depression and she would hand write her blog and her husband would type them in for her. I still visit her blog daily - if not only to see what Chuck is balancing on his head today.

Funny - many people have told me that my blog is very personal - I don't feel it is. I have never mentioned what I am (really) struggling with in my day to day life. What my family is going through, any personal information on Gary or Ryan - so I felt like I had my 'blogging boundaries' well defined. But telling you what I read daily - makes me feel exposed! I guess it is the Jessie part which seems personal, but so much of that is in the public and I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to Jessie - I feel all that emotion is already out there and does not count. What I surf on my computer ... well - that is another story!

My son comes down from his room every now and again to show me funnies on Failblog.org which is a collection of incredibly stupid signs, headlines, video snippets - again some crude - but after you have surfed Norwegian TV and found the snail people - nothing seems to faze me.

So there it is - you addicts (you know who you are) ... you are not alone! I have kicked my TV habit - it is never on, but the internet is another story. I am not proud of the fact that I visit sites that might have a bad word or two - but I am a very liberal person (if you don't know that about me - I hope we can still be friends) and have had friends and acquaintances from all walks of life and I have decided that the joy I get from reading a letter from a mother to her daughter at dooce - is worth the few nasty bits. Same for the other sites that I just tend to find funny - bad, bad, me. I am just telling you this since you might have noticed that everything I just referred to has a link to it. You have been warned.

To end my sermon on 'The Wickedness of Me' I will point out that you cannot go wrong with Cuteoverload.com it is relatively safe - if you don't mind that October is 'Toctober' and shows adorable bunny butts and puppy rear ends. The funniest thing that has happened to me this week - involving my crazy dog Charlie - occurred because of Cute Overload.

We got Charlie in Norway - as a puppy. She is 3/4 'mellom' (medium) Schnauzer and 1/4 Gordon Setter, and as nutty as a fruitcake. She has the personality of 10 dogs and makes me laugh often. While in Norway, Jessie was attending a Norwegian school (wait, I will get there, just go with me) since the English speaking school did not have a special education department - yeah, disgusting, I know. So ... I learned Norwegian. I was not very good at it, but I tried and to this day still speak to Charlie in Norwegian - 'cause you want your little ones to remember there roots, right? So .... I was on cute overload and there was a cat on a pony snorgling (their word - snuggling plus ... I have no clue) - normal stuff for their website. It was a video and had a song playing. I realized quickly that it was Swedish since it is similar to Norwegian and I could understand about a third the words. All of a sudden, Charlie comes over to the desk and just sits for a second looking at my speakers with her head cocked and then starts going nuts - running in circles, jumping straight in the air - I think a dogs version of dancing. I don't know, but she seemed to really groove to the song - it made me laugh. I tell you this because, although you won't understand the song - I bet it will make you laugh too: MiniSwedishChef. And right now - I need all the laughs I can get.

Charlie's Been Shopping

Haven't seen Barney for a while. I don't know if he wandered off and got lost, Charlie's hiding him or if he died. I think I would know about the latter since there would be Barney bits all over, but I guess only if Charlie killed him and he didn't die of whatever makes dinosaurs die.

Anyhooo, Charlie has a brand new bunch of friends. Last week, I got some toys out of Jessie's room to take to a friends house and left the detritus on the bed. There were 6 small stuffed animals left: Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster, 2 Simbas and 1 Nala (both the latter from the movie 'Lion King'). The other day I saw that Big Bird had somehow learned to fly and had landed on the entry carpet. Cool.

I became suspicious when Oscar the Grouch was in the family room just lounging on a couch - in his garbage can. I can't even find Cookie Monster although I have not checked the pantry....

Charlie decided to come clean today and bring Oscar downstairs. So she has been shopping in Jessie's room. Again. A great sport of hers. She usually stays away from the stuffed animals though - maybe Barney was enough.

The really weird thing is she is tight with the Sesame Street gang, but left all the Lion King animals alone:
Maybe because they are cats ... ?

Gary's Baby has a Baby

Gary sent me this photo the other day of a miniature of 'his' GBS. Since I am a miniature house nut - I decided we needed one of these for our living room (he said 'no'). What a cool job - building offshore oil structures in miniature:

Just talked to Gary -

#1) This is not a toy (yeah, right)

#2) It cost about 1000 times more to build than a minature house (just an EXPENSIVE toy)

Added for clarification: Gary discussed the exactness of the models replica and I decided that:

#3) I would not have the patience (true) ...

It was worth a shot....

She Said It!!!

Typical goodnights before Jessie left:

Tuck her in bed. Hand her her bo bo.

Mom: Good night Jessie. Mommy loves you.

Jessie: I like you.

Typical good bye at Richmond State School:

Mom: Bye Baby. Mommy loves you.

Jessie: I like you mom.

Theresa, an aide asked me about this. I told her that Jessie had never used the word 'love'. My theory was she understood 'like' and was comfortable with it. I told her it was fine, we understood each other perfectly.

Phone call I recieved from Jessie today:

Mom: Hello?
Jessie: Hi Mom.
Mom: Hi Jess! I was thinking about you!
Jessie: Mom?
Mom: What baby?
Jessie: Wheres daddy?
Mom: At work.
.
.
.
Jessie: Mom?
Mom: What sweetie?

Jessie: I love mom.

Mom: JESSIE. YOU SAID IT! Oh my gosh I LOVE YOU TOO! Thank you baby.

.
.
.

Theresa and Stacy said they have been working on it for days. She told me she loved me three times.

And I thought I didn't have anything to say today.....

Dear Jessie,

Yesterday was the two month mark for you at Richmond State School. Things have not changed around here or there much in the last month, things are about pretty much the same. Except for that letter that said you had not been in school a bunch, I haven’t even had many meltdowns … really. Puppies are safe today. Got a call from Angie and she explained all your absences – all Dr.’s appointments with their doctors or hurricane evacuations. No explanation on why no excuses to school, but still … puppies are safe today. Maybe you can’t get the notes to school because of no backpack? You keep asking for a backpack every week and I keep forgetting to send one back with you. You went with one and I am unsure if you want one or need one.

When I realized today that I had not sent a backpack with you on Sunday, I sat down and cried. Why? I am not sure, but all I could say was “I miss her” over and over. And I do … I miss you so much. I thought I would be more scared for your safety / well being than miss you. But, man – my music is rattling the windows and I can’t fix the quiet. I can’t fix the empty. You were such a big presence in our home – now it is just a big empty house. I will get over my ‘mood’, but now I know that it will always come back … sometime. With time, I am sure I will be ready for them.

I bump into ghosts all day. Memories of you and things you did that make me smile. How come I could not see those when you were here? It was all the bathing, feeding, and cleaning up after – how come I didn’t see past that more often and just watch you …. be you? I wish I could go back and just enjoy you more. Enjoy your enthusiasm, your joy, your conversations with your finger phone and imaginary friends, your belly laughs. So now I do – call me crazy – it’s done so often, but right now you are sitting on the couch in the living room talking to daddy on your finger phone telling him about Glen, laughing and asking him all sorts of questions. You make me smile.

Mommy has noticed her days getting bigger and bigger and needs to figure out what she is going to do. Lately she has filled it with writing silly things like ‘Discourses on Usefulness’, but that can’t go on forever. Like Andy Dufresne says in “Shawshank Redemption” I need to ‘get busy living or get busy dying’ and I am much too young for the later! I will figure it out – I just forgot how long 24 hours is in ‘Jessie free’ time.

Mommy is not going to see you for a few weeks. She is headed off for a much needed vacation with a dear friend. I will think about you, maybe I will lose this funk that seems to cloud over my days lately. Maybe I can get you a backpack in Jamaica! That would be fun. I’m on it.

Take care baby girl. If you don’t call me this afternoon, know that I will be calling you.

Mommy loves you.

Blog Block

Put a tracker on my blog for fun one day and got quite a surprise. To my amazement, there are many people who read / visit it daily. Since my family had given up on me except my mom and dad and Cherri, I assumed it was sort of a demented journal. I have also received compliments on my writing so I know many of those near me that read it, but there are those in Dallas, and Virginia, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Nevada - whom I don’t know and am at quite a loss for words.

Literally. At a loss for words. I call it ‘blog block’. All of a sudden I feel I need to produce something and since everything I write – to me – is a load of crap, I am stuck. All of a sudden a blog from a friend named Liz comes to mind where she started a blog then was all ‘what should I write about, should I take pictures, is it worth this?’. For me – writing is therapeutic and if I wanted it private – I would have password protected it a long time ago – so you are all welcome into my own little crazy world!

But some days things just don’t come out of my fingers. Most days I sit at the computer and tell myself it is like an English class for college (I loved college, so when I say that, I mean just for fun!). Write a paper – quick! Pick a subject – now …. go! And I just type something – but now …. blog block. I will work on it.

Discourse on Usefulness

Before Jessie left to live at Richmond State School – my life was very defined for me. I bathed her, helped her with her toileting, dressed her, fed her, kept her out of the food, did laundry, cleaned the house, cleaned up hundreds of Jessie bloody noses …. You know the usual ‘mom’ stuff. Now that she is gone: things just stay clean (not a drop of blood in 2 months!!), laundry loads are about 1/3 the size, I run the dishwasher every 2nd or 3rd day, we can’t get through a loaf of bread without it going bad, we need about half the milk – it’s like a small family moved out.

Each morning, Gary got up at 5:00 and got Ryan up. My alarm went off a few minutes before 6:00 and I made Ryan leave if he was still ‘napping’, then got Jessie ready for school, fed and on the bus. Then the other parts of the day started until she was back at 2:15.

Now that I can sleep in, I can’t stay in bed past 7:00 – it just seems wrong and I can’t sleep anyway. The house is clean, the laundry has been done, half full dishwasher, there is food in the fridge … rotting. And I sit and wonder what I want to be now that I have grown up … professional blogger is apparently out, so … what? It is weird to feel …. useless.

Go back to work? No, last time I did that I got very ill and had to quit (that CFIDS and the gift of arthritis I got when I had Lyme Disease). And the part of my brain that contained the Computer Science degree and Math minor was apparently written over with parrot conversations, imaginary pets, conversations with the dog and the names of all Jessie’s dolls and stuffed animals, so I pretty much qualify to be a Wal-Mart greeter.

Sigh, I will figure it out. Later. Gotta pack for a cruise in 5 days….

Busy … Gotta go…..