Buckets and Buckets of AWESOME ....

This morning while lying in bed wasting time and doing absolutely NOTHING for the betterment of Mankind, My Family or Myself (I learned at Stake Conference today that I should be doing this - but pretty much I would rather just idle the day away in bed ... and yes, this makes me a 'Very Bad Person' but I am pretty much used to that now ...)  I whipped off a post to Facebook:

"I'm pretty sure I have the Ebola Virus ... but I am heading to Stake Conf anyway .. I am just that sort of sharing, giving type of person. Sooo if y'all are going to be there, it would be in your best interest to avoid me at all costs .... but please send me a text if I start bleeding from my eyes (ALWAYS sooo embarrassing). Thanks ever so much ...."

Which, apparently is the Karmic  equivalent of giving fate "The Finger".

While sitting there listening to the talks, realizing that EACH AND EVERY ONE of them had me wanting to slit my wrists and / or run screaming from the building as the guilt in my head built and built and built ... I realized that I actually HAD been screaming in my head the entire time which apparently is EXACTLY how you develop a very quick and advanced case of "Palsy".

Wiki states: 

 

"Palsy is a medical term which refers to various types of paralysis often accompanied by loss of feeling and uncontrolled body movements such as shaking."

TOTALLY SO COOL RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF CONFERENCE!!!  Did I mention being surrounded by about 1000 of my closet friends who get to see me week after week? Yeah, they were there.

As we rose to sing the Whatever-That-Song-Is-Called-Where-They-Make-You-Stand-Up-To-Assure-Everyone-That-You-Are-Not-Sleeping I realized that I was somewhat in trouble. When the shaking got so bad it had started to attract attention from my nearest neighbors, I decided to make a hasty exit out of the mass of onlookers before I was flat on the floor.

Seriously ... there is really NO WAY to make a graceful exit with a severe case of Palsy and with a few hundred people looking on ...

It sort of feels like an Olympic Sport in the "Idiots With Illness Olympics" and with a whole lot of Judges all waiting with their cards of "1" through "10" looking on.  Falling flat on your face pretty much ensures you a "2" or below ... except from that really nice, upbeat lady who always tacks on a few extra points for the mere act of trying.

Wanting to score higher than a "5" I was rather careful with my shaky movements and grabbed each chair as I made my way out of the room, rabidly avoiding all eye contact with each and every onlooker but the shocked expressions on their faces seemed to wash over me anyway.

It was AWESOME and a plus! In my flailing about I accosted no shocked onlookers ... that SO has to be worth a point or two, yes?

Made it into a bathroom and hid for a bit until the shaking was a bit under control then went out in hopes Gary was waiting for me to whisk me off to home. No go (he had come out, but not finding me went back to his seat).  

As I ventured nearer to the open doors that I had exited from, I noticed I was receiving A LOT of attention from those who could see me.  Most looked as if they were ready to jump up at any moment should I start to fall to help me on the way down or something ... and I started feeling ridiculous just standing there so I made the DOUBLE AWESOME decision to return to my seat.

Seriously - there are no words for how fun it is to walk across a row of people, turn right and head down an aisle with each and every person you pass sorta turning and half rising in the Ever-So-Likely-Chance-I-Would-Pass-Out-Right-In-Front-of-Them ... I guess they wanted to be ready.

When it was clear things were ending, Gary wisely suggested that we leave after the talk.

I told him while I thought that would be SUPER AWESOME ... I could no longer feel my body or move.  

This concerned him somewhat, and I told him never mind, I would start the fascinating and tremendous task of standing and then "Just see how it goes" .

Made it to the car ... I personally scored myself a "6".

And to think I get to do it all again next week ... I totally can't wait.

P.S. Just so you don't think I am exaggerating, or just making crap up I HAVE personally passed out at church ... in a dress ... and pretty much know there is actually NO graceful way to extricate yourself from this scenario - thus lately I have taken to passing out in the grocery store ... IN PANTS.  

Sadly, their fear of lawsuits is at a much higher bar than the Church's, thus I ALWAYS get the Ever-So-Much-Fun free ride in an ambulance to the hospital all the while explaining that I AM FINE, just point me to my very large vehicle and I will drive myself home.

This is always met with one of those warm smiles from the nice attendent trying to insert the IV line that while their mouth is smiling and they look pleasant enough, there eyes are screaming "BATSHIT CRAZY LADY ... MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS AS SHE MIGHT HAVE RABIES, PALSY OR THE EBOLA VIRUS AND TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE SHE IS A BITER!"

Thus, I have a sort of mushy rule now to only pass out at home ... thus one of the multitude of reasons I never leave my house unless physically forced to do so ...

I would say this day just could NOT GET ANY MORE AWESOMER albeit ungrammatically correct, but I have already pissed off Karma and Jessie is out in the kitchen ... so I am going to just keep my head down and try not to piss off any more of my fake demi-gods that seem to rule my life ...


Wish me luck!  Headed to the kitchen ...
 

I give myself a 70% chance of surviving the encounter ....