... another sleepless night.
Two am – I decide I’m going to give it a shot … and go to bed. I am exhausted. Slept an hour two nights ago – chased by horrific dreams for the entire hour … not very restful. Last night I fell into a fitful sleep around 5:00 am only to awake to Gary's alarm going off at 5:30. And the day was upon me.
I’m not stupid – I try to rest during the day. Took two of my horse tablet sleeping pills yesterday afternoon and then proceeded to stare at my bedroom ceiling for an hour before I got so disgusted I got up.
So – two am and I am going to bed. The panic is bubbling to the surface – I need sleep! I realize this is not conducive to actually falling to sleep, but I am too tired to fight the panic that is seeping in. Since these days are steeped in panic, it is just one more thing to add to the list …
Sneak in, quietly get in bed – hoping not to disturb Gary. He stirs a bit, but starts softly snorfling and I know that he is still asleep.
2:05 – I turn on my iTouch to drown out the thoughts in my head. Check for mail, play with photos, anything – anything is better than the wondering, the second guessing, the scared, the general waking nightmare I seem to not be able to shake myself out of.
2:10 – Gary stirs. I hide my iTouch under the covers. Tell myself I have 3 ‘Gary stirs’ and I’m out. He needs his rest – he is still healing and has full days at work.
2:15 – I turn off the iTouch and stash it under my pillow for easy access.
The thoughts return, the pain in my legs is unbearable and it is hard for me to hold still. Gary stirs – strike two. My goal is to stay in bed until 4:00am – either it will be a total bust of a night or I will be asleep by then … that’s my theory.
2:45 – Things are a bit out of control in my head. I start a soothing exercise that empties my head:
Counting on my fingers to make sure I get them all:
Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming ending on my pinkie – must be 50 …
Repeat
Again
Again
Oh hell – just go to sleep already.
3:22 Gary stirs. Three times – and I am out.
Go upstairs and do some administrative duties on my new ‘craft computer’ – like adding me a user name, etc. Turn on XMRadio for some noise.
Sit down, crochet a bit. Yeah, I said crochet …
Look around my craft room. It is soothing to me. I am surrounded by my ‘treasures’ and treasures to be made. The closet door is open and I see my familiar hurricane of a closet … but notice a little something else.
My dreamcatchers.
You know – Dreamcatchers:
“The Dream Catcher LegendAn old Sioux Indian legend says that Dreamcatchers were hung in lodges and teepees to assure peaceful dreams.
The good dreams knowing the way, slip through the webbing and slide down the soft feather to the sleeper.
The bad dreams not knowing the way, become entangled in the web and melt at the first light of day.”
I am sure it will come as no surprise that I collect dream catchers. The above quote is from a dreamcatcher: “Made by a Navajo girl from the Newapi tribe and lives on the Great Navajo Nation”
And I wonder what a Navajo girl is doing making a Sioux dreamcatcher…
And what the HELL am I doing hiding them in my closet? I could use all the help I can get. Maybe one will find its way to my lamp on/off switch by this time tomorrow …
4:30 – Only a half hour before Ron Ross logs onto The Pulse; the station I listen to and I will have a human voice giving me the trivial news of the day.
Gotta get the garbage out and to the curb, unload the dishwasher, bulldoze my desk area, hide Ryan's Christmas presents that have been arriving from Amazon … figure out what to do with my burgeoning supply of stationary ...
A full day ahead.
Not to mention news of the emergency meeting called at RSS about Jessie yesterday. See if we will have some sort of backup plan so that Sunday never happens again …
Can’t wait …
One day - soon - I am going to get some sleep. I can feel it all the way to my bones ....
2 comments:
You make me so sad for you. How awful to not be able to fall asleep. Let us know how things work out with Jessie. Also, make Gary listen to his phone message on his cell!
I have had nights like that! They are the pits. One thing that helps me is to sleep in a separate bedroom - so you don't have the worry you will wake him up or the disturbance of his alarm/stirring/breathing. I don't try to stay up for the news or any specific time. When my body says I'm tired, I go to bed that second.
Also, I listen to conference addresses. Think Sunday afternoon session - I think you get the picture. Actually, sometimes I listen to the whole session and still can't go to sleep, but at least I'm not rehashing my issues OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
I blame my sleeplessness on medications - but if you need the medications, there isn't a lot you can do.
Our love.
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