Jessie's Graduation Part II

This afternoon, we made Jessie don her Graduation gown again and started snapping away (Dad and I). We were having no luck when my Mom asked if we didn't have that feature on our cameras that would let you snap a grundle of photos an eighth of a second apart - by just holding down the button that takes the photo.

When we started doing that, we hit pay dirt! I have about 500 photos of her, but - hey - that has always been my motto. If I take enough photos (oh, say a thousand ...), the law of averages states that one or two will be good!

Here were the highlights of those taken at our home:

Proud Daddy

Proud Grandma and Grandpa

To My Jessie:

You are all grown up and graduated now! When you were little and we had a cranio-facial reconstruction surgery by a neurosurgeon looming just weeks away, an open-heart surgery a wee bit further down the road, the daily medications that would kill you if you took too much, and would kill you if you failed to take them. We had some doctors tell us you would be little more than a vegetable. What kind of doctor butchers a mother’s heart like that? Having my hopes and dreams for the future of my baby girl - the little girl we had waited so long for broken to pieces and sending her mother into a vicious guilt trip: what had she done during her pregnancy to have caused all these problems? Her tiny, little broken baby.

The road has been bumpy, full of sorrow, fear, guilt, anger (not at you my love - at the stupid people out there that were cruel - mostly with their words, and mostly (hopefully) not thinking of how their comment sounded to a mother of a handicapped daughter. There were the outright cruel people who enjoyed making fun, saying something mean to my beautiful, blond, long haired angel of what did her mommy do to God to piss Him off to the point He sent her a 'retard'?

I remember being scared with each new visit to the doctor and leaving the office thinking that I just could not take another set of heartbreaking news - one more straw and the camel’s back would break - but you know what? It doesn't break - because you have to be there for your child, you have to get up, take care of them, put one foot in front of the other, exhausted, terrified and knowing without a doubt that you are truly not qualified to do this … but also knowing without a doubt that you love this little bundle that is yours, fully, completely, perfectly, even if they are not perfect. I have discovered over the years ... who is? Love conquers the fear, the exhaustion and anything else that the life of being a parent of a handicapped child throws at you.

The list is long, the road long, full of obstacles, backtracking, mistakes, fear, exhaustion, and hurt - but I learned quickly that the deeper the hurt, fear, sadness and sorrow I feel - the greater the joy, happiness, elation and peace. A new opening of my eyes to the wonder and miracle of watching a child conquer their first step, writing their name, anything!

I remember one day, after all the appointments, the surgeries, the just keeping you alive for months, I walk into your room and as I look down at you. Still bald from having your head shaved (prior to your skin cut from ear to ear over the top of your head, your face peeled down, your skull cut into pieces and put back together again (apparently Humpty Dumpty can be reassembled)), still a little swollen from the surgery, staples shutting the suture up in a Frankensteinish manner ... you opened your eyes and smiled at me! In that instant, you were the most beautiful baby on the planet! The joy was so intense, it made up for the fear and exhaustion, the bad experiences, everything. One smile ... one. Life (with all the horrific things going on around me) stood still for a moment and there I was, in a little piece of heaven standing there with you in your bedroom.

I wanted to shout from the rooftops, put up a billboard, anything - stating that my Jess had smiled at me! Moms of handicapped children don't take things like that for granted - it is flat out a miracle, a gift from God, the best present a girl could ever ask for. A thus - this was how it went for each step along the way - the first words, (actually any new word), rolling over, sitting up and walking to name just a few. Each a gift, a wonderful, indescribable experience – you, my friend are the ultimate gift giver - no one can make my heart soar like my Jessie!

As I see it, I am one lucky lady – you are my daughter and you have taught me so much. Sure things were rough, things were rough losing baby Rachael, things were rough when the tornado hit the house, the pain I experience daily in this old body of mine is rough, but all that pales in comparison to the joy I experience watching you grow and excel. And now you have graduated from High School! A new chapter in your life is about to begin and I have no doubt that you will approach it with the same enthusiasm and gusto you approach everything else with. You will learn much but teach me more, you will have fun with your friends and put me at ease when one of my panic attacks hit about you living at Richmond State School, you will continue to become independent, while I will hopefully do the same!

With each new step down your own road of life, I feel it a privilege to be able to walk beside you, and I will be there to hold your hand at the shaky spots ...
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… we will be laughing all the way!