I thought it would be exotic. It would be fun - jet setting across the world to see my husband - romantic, fun, a new adventure, things to take photos of - tons of stuff to post on my blog.
And you know what? It is going to be exactly all of those things - so why am I bawling my eyes out right now?
I can't stop crying. I knew it would be hard - but never thought it through. I am leaving Charlie - my good buddy during the day who shares wonderful conversations with me and is a loyal bedside sleeper - leaving her to be home alone all day wondering what is going on.
I am leaving Jessie. She didn't call this week and I didn't dare call her fearing it would throw off her schedule. But I would give a thousand dollars right now just to hear her excited "Hi Mom!". And I will hear it, when we call the Randalls who are graciously picking her up each Sunday so that her schedule is not thrown off so much - and she will have a much funner time, not to mention a way better dinner at the Randall's than she has had at our house in the last two weeks. But I miss her! I miss her all the time, but I always know that I will see her Sunday, see that she is taken care of and is clean and dressed nicely and I calm down a bit, but it seems to only last about 5 days and I start getting anxious again. I have only missed getting her once on Sunday and that was when we went to Hawaii for Thanksgiving, but had her during the week before and after so it does not really count.
I am leaving Ryan. Ryan is a mystery to my blog - an shall stay that way - it is my choice not to talk much about my son, my beautiful, kind hearted, wonderful son. But there are reasons to be worried leaving him - so young with so much responsibility. And he isn't so young 18 is not young, but running a household at 18 when your mom takes care of things she ought not to is going to be hard for him. As in showing him how to use the washer for well, the third time, but he has yet to actually wash a batch of his own clothes. Leaving him is hard, he is my friend and when I am sick he is my helper. Is is so conscientious of my feelings - he can always tell when I am off - and is very kind to me and tries to make me laugh. I am hoping I have left him just the right amount of instructions. Not too much, and not to little.
I am leaving my house. I love wandering around in my big 'ole house alone, just me and Charlie on days I am not feeling well - it is peaceful and I am a horrible decorator, but I have placed things around my home that bring me peace - so I don't really care what other people think of it. I will miss my two indoor gardens - I don't think Ryan can kill three big ficus trees in two weeks, but you never know.
I knew it would be hard, I just never though why it would be hard - and I now know. I am leaving a lot of things I love to go see the one that I love. It is easy to stay here while Gary travels - I am used to that - we have been doing it for years. Me going to see him - this is a new decision that we have made. It is an easy decision - leaving to see Gary and I will always make it, I just didn't realize how hard it would be to leave everything else and step out into that black abyss that is Australia - a huge unknown for me right now.
Later it will feel more like my 'mini' home but right now it just seems like a big black hole I am stepping into, turning and looking back at all the things I love, that I am comfortable with that I am leaving for 15 days and I don't like the feeling one bit.
Over and out. Going into blog 'stealth silence' untill Thursday.
And you know what? It is going to be exactly all of those things - so why am I bawling my eyes out right now?
I can't stop crying. I knew it would be hard - but never thought it through. I am leaving Charlie - my good buddy during the day who shares wonderful conversations with me and is a loyal bedside sleeper - leaving her to be home alone all day wondering what is going on.
I am leaving Jessie. She didn't call this week and I didn't dare call her fearing it would throw off her schedule. But I would give a thousand dollars right now just to hear her excited "Hi Mom!". And I will hear it, when we call the Randalls who are graciously picking her up each Sunday so that her schedule is not thrown off so much - and she will have a much funner time, not to mention a way better dinner at the Randall's than she has had at our house in the last two weeks. But I miss her! I miss her all the time, but I always know that I will see her Sunday, see that she is taken care of and is clean and dressed nicely and I calm down a bit, but it seems to only last about 5 days and I start getting anxious again. I have only missed getting her once on Sunday and that was when we went to Hawaii for Thanksgiving, but had her during the week before and after so it does not really count.
I am leaving Ryan. Ryan is a mystery to my blog - an shall stay that way - it is my choice not to talk much about my son, my beautiful, kind hearted, wonderful son. But there are reasons to be worried leaving him - so young with so much responsibility. And he isn't so young 18 is not young, but running a household at 18 when your mom takes care of things she ought not to is going to be hard for him. As in showing him how to use the washer for well, the third time, but he has yet to actually wash a batch of his own clothes. Leaving him is hard, he is my friend and when I am sick he is my helper. Is is so conscientious of my feelings - he can always tell when I am off - and is very kind to me and tries to make me laugh. I am hoping I have left him just the right amount of instructions. Not too much, and not to little.
I am leaving my house. I love wandering around in my big 'ole house alone, just me and Charlie on days I am not feeling well - it is peaceful and I am a horrible decorator, but I have placed things around my home that bring me peace - so I don't really care what other people think of it. I will miss my two indoor gardens - I don't think Ryan can kill three big ficus trees in two weeks, but you never know.
I knew it would be hard, I just never though why it would be hard - and I now know. I am leaving a lot of things I love to go see the one that I love. It is easy to stay here while Gary travels - I am used to that - we have been doing it for years. Me going to see him - this is a new decision that we have made. It is an easy decision - leaving to see Gary and I will always make it, I just didn't realize how hard it would be to leave everything else and step out into that black abyss that is Australia - a huge unknown for me right now.
Later it will feel more like my 'mini' home but right now it just seems like a big black hole I am stepping into, turning and looking back at all the things I love, that I am comfortable with that I am leaving for 15 days and I don't like the feeling one bit.
Over and out. Going into blog 'stealth silence' untill Thursday.
4 comments:
Lori-
You can do this! You will do this. You will do it like you do so many other things which is way better than you give yourself credit for. You know you have a bunch of us who love you and are here for you and your family, whatever the need may be. I too, think it was so incredibly sweet of Gary to think of your blog. Go over there and give him a big kiss from us, your loyal readers. We can't go a week without you!
Lori, you and your family are in my prayers. I can imagine that it is hard to actually takes these steps into the "unknown", but I know you will be blessed. It's kind of how I felt moving to Texas. Yes, I had my husband & kids...but everything else was a "black abyss" for me. This is a quote that I love & has helped me remind myself that I can do anything.
"I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go." -Abraham Lincoln
So true. With all the unknown, worry & questions we promised that we are not alone! Plus, you've got a whole band wagon of us here that would LOVE to help out in any way that we can! I wish you luck, and can't wait to hear your updates!
It will be Thursday when you get this, so you will be in the black hole, and it won't feel like a black hole anymore. I am relieved. Two homes for you, I guess. I mean in the emotional home sense.
Hey, I thought of something that may ease your traveling hassles: you should buy cameras to leave in Australia so no schlepping those anymore. I'm a genius. Unless you are attached to the cameras you have - I know photographers are particular about their cameras.
You've probably already started buying Australia to bring back - can't wait to see the additions to your collection of traveling mementos.
I love reading your blog. It reminds me of tough times - and that I survived.
Post a Comment