I had lunch with Linda and Bonne last Tuesday since Bonne was leaving for a cruise on Friday and will be gone for 27 days. I was quite ill and shouldn’t have gone – but Bonne was leaving and I wanted to say goodbye and to have fun.
As we were wrapping up lunch and I was trying very, very hard to keep down the few spoonfuls of soup that I had, the subject of me being ill came up. Bonne said that she wanted to shake her fists at the heavens and ask why. She said she rarely does this but is frustrated with it. Linda also voiced her sadness / frustration that I was ill and always in pain and generally battling some sort of illness. Stress does a number on my immune system and my ability to control the pain. On a scale of 1 – 10 on the ‘stress-o-meter’ things have been an 11 lately. So things have been particularly bad, and I don’t see an end to this for a very long time.
I was overwhelmed by their concern for me. Their love for me is overwhelming and I feel so lucky to have such friends. I also felt guilty. I feel guilty that even with all the prayers and blessings and other things that I am still sick. I feel that if I were just a better person – that I would not be ill. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I think some of it is comments in church lessons, discussions on faith that if a person has enough faith in prayer, a blessing, etc that they would be healed. I have heard story after story about this – wonderful stories, heartwarming, inspiring stories of people healed by faith. So, since I am still ill – logic tells me, and my heart tells me that I don’t have enough faith … so the guilt moves in and stays in the back of my mind, constantly whispering that I am just not a good enough person to be healed. I try to ignore it – sometimes it is a whisper, sometimes it is a scream.
I spent years working on relaxation techniques to ease the pain. I tried all sorts of other things and nothing worked. I have come to a truce with the heavens about it. I am not good enough ergo I am ill. Also, everyone has troubles, and who am I to decide that I am so special that I should not have them. It just makes me terribly sad – I know I need rest so I stay in bed, or sit at the computer and watch life around me go on – without me in it. Lives of those around me marching on while I just lay in bed. It feels very wrong that I am missing so much.
My life is so blessed in other ways that it balances out – the good by far outweighs the bad. But sometimes I don’t see that, I only feel the pain and frustration that I cannot do something that day because I am sick, and time just marches on.
And while I am sharing, I thought that I might as well go all the way. Here’s the biggest thing that troubles me:
As we were wrapping up lunch and I was trying very, very hard to keep down the few spoonfuls of soup that I had, the subject of me being ill came up. Bonne said that she wanted to shake her fists at the heavens and ask why. She said she rarely does this but is frustrated with it. Linda also voiced her sadness / frustration that I was ill and always in pain and generally battling some sort of illness. Stress does a number on my immune system and my ability to control the pain. On a scale of 1 – 10 on the ‘stress-o-meter’ things have been an 11 lately. So things have been particularly bad, and I don’t see an end to this for a very long time.
I was overwhelmed by their concern for me. Their love for me is overwhelming and I feel so lucky to have such friends. I also felt guilty. I feel guilty that even with all the prayers and blessings and other things that I am still sick. I feel that if I were just a better person – that I would not be ill. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I think some of it is comments in church lessons, discussions on faith that if a person has enough faith in prayer, a blessing, etc that they would be healed. I have heard story after story about this – wonderful stories, heartwarming, inspiring stories of people healed by faith. So, since I am still ill – logic tells me, and my heart tells me that I don’t have enough faith … so the guilt moves in and stays in the back of my mind, constantly whispering that I am just not a good enough person to be healed. I try to ignore it – sometimes it is a whisper, sometimes it is a scream.
I spent years working on relaxation techniques to ease the pain. I tried all sorts of other things and nothing worked. I have come to a truce with the heavens about it. I am not good enough ergo I am ill. Also, everyone has troubles, and who am I to decide that I am so special that I should not have them. It just makes me terribly sad – I know I need rest so I stay in bed, or sit at the computer and watch life around me go on – without me in it. Lives of those around me marching on while I just lay in bed. It feels very wrong that I am missing so much.
My life is so blessed in other ways that it balances out – the good by far outweighs the bad. But sometimes I don’t see that, I only feel the pain and frustration that I cannot do something that day because I am sick, and time just marches on.
And while I am sharing, I thought that I might as well go all the way. Here’s the biggest thing that troubles me:
I can’t really explain my feelings about this, but it is akin to feeling as if I have lost the battle, that I have given up, gave in and now I have a crutch. Why can’t I be stronger and not have to take a pill to help? It takes the edge off, but the pain is still there, so I probably should not take it … but since it helps a little, I take it. And every morning and every evening as I swallow that little pill, I feel like a loser, a weak person – someone who, if I was stronger, better, more faithful – would not have to resort to a crutch.
So, not only do I feel that I have failed when it comes to faith and being a good person, I get to add needing a ‘fix’ to get by.
This, my friends is the definition of a loser …
So, not only do I feel that I have failed when it comes to faith and being a good person, I get to add needing a ‘fix’ to get by.
This, my friends is the definition of a loser …
7 comments:
While I love heartwarming stories of miraculous cures, sometimes they leave me troubled. Not everyone can get better. Not everyone can be free of pain. I know faith can bring about miracles, but I don't believe that those who aren't cured are any less faithful. I know many faithful people, including you Lori, who struggle with pain and illness daily. You were probably more valiant than I was in the pre-mortal life - willing to deal with so many trials in your life. I don't see you as weak at all. To me you are an example of someone who has the strength to endure to the end faithfully.
well....first of all God tells us that he will not give us more then we can handle!! i know that seems hard to believe sometimes but the bible tells us so. second he has allowed medicines to be made so i feel that they are there for us to use so why shouldnt we. not that we should abuse them but i certainly dont thinks thats what you are doing! third God must love you an awful lot because he really wants you to grow because you know that the way we grow is through trials. it seems like you have had an awful lot but remember he promised he wont give us more then you can handle!! ive been to the point where i had tried everything else to handle a situation and finally the only thing left was to turn to God. why is it most of us humans have to try every other way first? i think you are trying to turn it over to God so you are doing the right thing. fourth you cant be a loser because you are a child of God and you were made in his image. he certainly IS NOT a loser!!!! im sure you would agree with that!!!
Um, did I write this post? No, because nobody is giving me morphine. Apparently mental/emotional pain doesn't respond (at least without the illegal abuse). Well, it's nice to know there are more of us out there. Sometimes I'm able to know that those thought processes are from the damn devil. Sometimes I can't know that. Right now I can't. Whatev. I do love you, though. I really love getting to know you on this blog.
Now that I know the definition of loser, put my picture in the dictionary in the "L" section, and not for "Liz" Sometimes it just feels like I'm bein' picked on! Well, I had to swallow my three special crutches this morning just to BEGIN to deal with the fact that my cable was cutoff for failure to pay the bill.....again!
I'm thinking of you and also learning from you, so, thanks for sharing.
You guys are too sweet, and truly good friends. I should have never written this - too personal, more information than anyone needed, me just being a whining, complaining idiot, etc ... but thanks for your kind words.
Hey, if you hadn't written that, I'd have continued to thinking I'm the only one who whines and complains. And my cable was shut off too which makes it comcasts fault, not mine and Liz's. Small favors.
sometimes it helps just to let things out!! it was a good thing for me too. it helped me to remind me of things that i knew but often forget. i think we all feel sorry for ourselves at some point or another and i think it would be nice to have somebody to talk me out of it. maybe you can do the same when i get down on myself!!!
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