It's been 4 months to the day when you went to live at Richmond State School. It sort of feels much longer, I think I am getting used to the idea that you are not living with us anymore. Yeah, I'm a little slow.
You seem so happy, you have friends, you have a routine, you have your space and it seems to suit you. I am so proud that you have adjusted so well. Because ... well, when you come home - you kind of look like a homeless person. You have showered yourself, you have dressed yourself and it sort of shows and it makes me want so badly to take care of you. I ache to make sure you are clean enough, your clothes look good, your hair is combed and it is so hard just to be happy because you are happy.
I know that is what is important - so your clothes don't match and your hair is a little messy - you have friends for the first time in your life! And they love you, and take care of you. They watch out for you, help you put your socks on, remind you where you set something down - or better yet - pick it up and put it back in your room. You could never get that at home - and friends make all the difference, don't they?
You are doing things that you could never / would never do at home! It is exciting to watch you grow and mature into someone that, quite frankly, I don't know. It makes me sad that you seem like a stranger. I don't know how your day goes, if you slept well, what meds you are taking, if you have been feeling well. But more than that - you seem more adult like. Such a good thing! But something I don't recognize and I feel like I am losing you.
I know I am not - you come home every week, I talk to your staff all the time, you call me a few times a week. I actually had an epiphany about this last week. I realized that I had never really thought about my life after you were gone. I just thought that it would be when my life started. Like I was waiting to live MY life, not the life of "Jessie's Mom". And as I think about things, I realize the tether I spoke about in an earlier letter is really still there. For some reason I thought it would be cut clean in two and then I drew a blank. I didn't think we would be going our separate ways, I just never thought about it. I realized the tether is just longer.
That day I realized that our lives were enmeshed so deeply that you could never separate us and that I would be here. Mom is not going anywhere - and for a moment I was sad. Realizing that it was this way until the day I died. When was I going to live MY life? That magical life I have been waiting for years to live? And then I realized - this is my life. And I can make it as great or as horrible as I want - I am free to choose. I choose to move on and learn and grow side by side with you - and that is enough for me ... until the day I die.
This week is going to be very interesting. You are coming home for 3 days! Ahhhh! When you come on Sunday, after a few hours you want to go back to your friends, so we take you. I am not sure what is going to happen during the 48 hours we have you. I really, really hope we are not counting down the hours until you can go back. But I also really, really hope you don't think that you are back home, like - for good. I can't take you back all over again. I just can't - so please understand this is just a visit. I wish so badly I could talk to you about this. It will be the first time you sleep in your bed since you moved to RSS and I am so worried. But what are we going to do - leave you at RSS on Christmas? I think not.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Love you, see you on Sunday,
Mom
You seem so happy, you have friends, you have a routine, you have your space and it seems to suit you. I am so proud that you have adjusted so well. Because ... well, when you come home - you kind of look like a homeless person. You have showered yourself, you have dressed yourself and it sort of shows and it makes me want so badly to take care of you. I ache to make sure you are clean enough, your clothes look good, your hair is combed and it is so hard just to be happy because you are happy.
I know that is what is important - so your clothes don't match and your hair is a little messy - you have friends for the first time in your life! And they love you, and take care of you. They watch out for you, help you put your socks on, remind you where you set something down - or better yet - pick it up and put it back in your room. You could never get that at home - and friends make all the difference, don't they?
You are doing things that you could never / would never do at home! It is exciting to watch you grow and mature into someone that, quite frankly, I don't know. It makes me sad that you seem like a stranger. I don't know how your day goes, if you slept well, what meds you are taking, if you have been feeling well. But more than that - you seem more adult like. Such a good thing! But something I don't recognize and I feel like I am losing you.
I know I am not - you come home every week, I talk to your staff all the time, you call me a few times a week. I actually had an epiphany about this last week. I realized that I had never really thought about my life after you were gone. I just thought that it would be when my life started. Like I was waiting to live MY life, not the life of "Jessie's Mom". And as I think about things, I realize the tether I spoke about in an earlier letter is really still there. For some reason I thought it would be cut clean in two and then I drew a blank. I didn't think we would be going our separate ways, I just never thought about it. I realized the tether is just longer.
That day I realized that our lives were enmeshed so deeply that you could never separate us and that I would be here. Mom is not going anywhere - and for a moment I was sad. Realizing that it was this way until the day I died. When was I going to live MY life? That magical life I have been waiting for years to live? And then I realized - this is my life. And I can make it as great or as horrible as I want - I am free to choose. I choose to move on and learn and grow side by side with you - and that is enough for me ... until the day I die.
This week is going to be very interesting. You are coming home for 3 days! Ahhhh! When you come on Sunday, after a few hours you want to go back to your friends, so we take you. I am not sure what is going to happen during the 48 hours we have you. I really, really hope we are not counting down the hours until you can go back. But I also really, really hope you don't think that you are back home, like - for good. I can't take you back all over again. I just can't - so please understand this is just a visit. I wish so badly I could talk to you about this. It will be the first time you sleep in your bed since you moved to RSS and I am so worried. But what are we going to do - leave you at RSS on Christmas? I think not.
Let's hope for the best, shall we?
Love you, see you on Sunday,
Mom
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing your letters to Jessie. I love them.
i love them too. I hope I get to see her.
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