April 20th: The Day I Almost Died ... (But Didn't)

Looking back - it all seems so ... ordinary - in an ER sort of way.

 

The night before was the fourth evening I had been home since being discharged from the hospital. I had been there for five days - the doctors trying to figure out why I had multiple seizures one random, nondescript Friday night. I had been rather ill and throwing up - unable to keep anything down ... including my meds.

 

On that fourth evening, things were looking up. I had come home from the hospital and as the IV Zofran medication slowly left my system - I immediately became nauseous and started throwing up again. But by that fourth evening, I pretty much had it under control - even keeping my meds down.

 

Gary and I had a conversation before lights out - in some instances of telling this - I had said I was sleeping - this was not the case. That evening is rather fuzzy and I had misunderstood what Gary said had happened.

 

That Saturday morning, Gary noticed that I was still asleep and not moving. As I am a very light sleeper this was rather unusual. He tried to rouse me, and eventually succeeded, but discovered that I could not hear ... I was completely deaf.

 

He called 911 and started the process of getting me to the hospital.

 

I remember 'talking' to Gary that morning and realizing that I was deaf, but just like the week before - I don't remember getting in the ambulance or the ride to the hospital. I just remember being deaf and confused in my bedroom - then suddenly I was in the ER surrounded by a bevy of medical personnel all talking to me and violating my person in some manner ...

 

I realized also that I was paralyzed - unable to move any of my limbs - this was rather disconcerting.

 

The deafness persisted and as the doctors asked me questions, I tried my best to lip read and answer them. Gary said it was pretty much a disaster! While I was answering the question I thought they had asked me, they were documenting that "The Patient is confused, talking nonsense and fails to answer simple questions". It probably would have been best to keep my mouth shut!

 

A little bit in to my ER adventure, I saw a familiar face from our Ward.

 

"Whitney!" I exclaimed, startling the kindly ER doc from our Ward. He smiled and started talking to me about the severity of the situation I was in. He mentioned that in addition to what I already knew - I had had a stroke and I was in renal failure - my kidneys had completely shut down. He mentioned again the severity of my situation and that I was a very long ways from being out of the woods.

 

I appreciated his honesty and frankness. I had not really thought about it or accessed my situation - I was just there - along for the ride. Suddenly, it was so much more than that and I realized that I could die.

 

When thinking of scenarios wherein I was facing death, I always assumed that I would be terrified. I didn't really do this often, but I had thought about it enough to be somewhat surprised to discover that I was not the least bit afraid.

 

As I thought about this, lying in my bed, trying to ignore the docs and nurses - I realized also that it all felt rather ordinary - no angels, no spiritual warm fuzzies, no bright light or a long dead relative waiting in the wings ... ordinary, business as usual, just a rather 'normal' night in the ER.

 

This bothered me a bit, but I was a little preoccupied to dwell on it much ...

 

As time progressed, I didn't, and soon they were cutting me a central line since they could not push fluids fast enough and my blood pressure was precariously low.

 

Let me tell you - it is NOT FUN having a central line 'installed' in my neck while awake and on no pain killers or numbing of any type. Here is the puppy they shoved into my neck then STITCHED in place.

Things finally started to stabilize and soon I was much nearer to being out of the woods ...

 

Then came the days and days of tests. The reality of being in a hospital. The embarrassing, all the degrading fun stuff, the horrible, salt-free food and getting used to it all.

 

I will probably write about a few of the bigger things - but that is all for another day.

 

The reality of how near my brush with death was has probably not yet sunk in ... it might never sink in. Did it change anything?

 

Yes.

 

The one thing I wish I could fix, or remove, or help with in any way is Gary's feelings of guilt over not figuring this out sooner. There was absolutely no way for him to know, but it has affected him deeply.

 

The first night I was home, every time I stirred in the bed he asked me if I was still alive? I would smile and say yes. The next day, he was out in the garage, but came in rather often to make sure I was 'still alive'. The attention is wonderful and I find it rather sweet, but it also saddens me that he feels the need to check on me so often.

 

He also mentioned one night that we needed to go out to dinner. He was calling it the "I Didn't Die" celebration. Yesterday we were heading to one of my doctors appointments when he asked the question again - but worded it slightly different.

 

"What do you want to do for your I Didn't Die celebration?" he asked.

 

Since dinner was not mentioned and I was kidding around, I said "I want to go on a cruise in Greece."

 

"OK" he replied.

 

"Just like that?" I asked.

 

"Just like that." he said.

 

Apparently we will be going some time in September ...

 

Did my life flash before my eyes? Did I itemize and mourn all the things I did wrong? Did I yearn to hug my children just one more time? Did a Bucket List start writing itself for some time in the future?

 

No.

 

 

None of these things happened.

 

 

Maybe I knew that this was not 'my time' ...

 

Maybe that isn't how it works ...

 

Maybe my 'Immediately Before Death' button is broken ...

 

 

Whatever it is ...

 

 

I sort of have a partial Button ...

 

 

Because:

 

The days seem so full of possibilities!

 

My son looks so handsome and beautiful and grown up suddenly.

 

I tear up each time I hear Jessie's voice and cannot wait for tomorrow when I will see her!

 

I look at my husband in awe and am overwhelmed by the massive outpouring of pure unconditional love ...

 

The blue skies seem more vivid and beautiful,

 

The greens of the grass simply take my breath away,

 

The joy my Charlie shows when "Dad" walks in makes me smile,

 

The concern of friends takes my breath away and humbles me.

 

I am excited to go take photos!

 

I am excited that my parents will be visiting very soon!

 

I am excited to get in some more training on my very cool, very full-of-possibilities of its own - computer.

 

I am excited for each new day and realize the possibilities, the activities, the learning and the growing are are all spread out before me like a beautiful, wonderful, exciting, giant buffet ...

 

and I plan on feasting - each and every day

 

I am incredibly happy to still be here. We know that had Gary ignored me for just a little while longer that would not be the case - I would have died -

 

and life is just too wonderful right now ...

 

There are too many things I still need to do and to learn and to share ...

 

Sorry, but I am simply just too busy to die right now!

 

*crosses fingers*

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