Sometimes, generally during a calm, quiet time in my life I forget that you never know what is lurking around the next corner ... things can turn on a dime in an instant.
Today started out great! I actually made it HALFWAY THROUGH SUNDAY SCHOOL! For months I have only been physically able to make it to Sacrament Meeting - yes, you may call me 'inactive' ... I don't mind and pretty much agree with you ...
Went home to lay down until Gary brought Jessie home. Then things go from calm and quiet to loud and exciting! Gary wanted to make his ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL Sweet and Sour Chicken for dinner. It makes a mess - but it is well worth it:
Jessie watched Aladdin while eating her dinner:
She wanted to surf on the web after that so I set up my laptop and we 'surfed the web' for a bit. And then she said it: "I want to go back." Okay, things have been fine and wonderful and normal lately and so I was not apprehensive at all.
There were a few annoying missteps, but she and Gary and Charlie headed to the truck. I thought I heard screaming coming from the driveway and started to cringe. Then the truck horn honk and I got out of my chair to go help with whatever situation was occurring.
I will not go into the next half hour / forty five minutes. I just can't. I mean I really, really cannot ... I cannot find the words. We have had some ugly sessions with Jessie - I give you a peek into some of the 'ugly' in the post "Sunday Afternoons at my House".
If you actually go read that - you will notice that I do something I rarely do - I gave you a glimpse into the 'ugly' the 'horrible' the 'awful' experiences of raising a handicapped child. I try to not dwell on those parts - I mean, it really does no one any good - so why bother. But I am sure y'all know that it is not all rainbows and unicorns raising ... well, any child - but sometimes there are some more severe incidents with a mentally handicapped child.
To say that things 'turned on a dime' at that moment is putting it lightly. The ambush was enormous and while my motto basically since 1988 is 'Never Say: It Couldn't Get Worse' sometimes I forget that. But, you see, crazy as it sounds I really do think that I have an evil guardian angel that shows me that "Why, yes, dear - it can ALWAYS be worse" and then goes about showing me just how that is ... Nowdays - I don't even dare to THINK this phrase ...
To say that we have had some ugly, heartbreaking, violent, disturbing, sad, volatile experiences with Jessie may surprise some (especially if you haven't read the post I link to) but it happens. For a while it was every Sunday and I would barely get my heart put back together and the next thing you know it is Sunday again and it all starts over again. And after she is gone I am in some dark corner of my mind weeping and wondering how long my heart can take this? Really?
Today’s session was, what? Like I said - I don't have the words. I decided if I multiplied the absolutely worst experience I have ever had with Jessie (and she had become rather violent towards me a few years ago - thus the moving to a Group Home about a year before we expected to have to start worrying about it) and say it lasted five minutes, because if it is that absolutely ugly - it can only last for a mere moment, right?
Take that - multiply it by somewhere between five and ten and expand it out to thirty or forty five minutes (odd how the concept of time in the middle of an absolutely unreal experience just flies out the window ...) and you have the "Getting-Jessie-In-The-Truck-And-Taking-Her-Home session today. Beyond heartbreaking, beyond horrifying, beyond sad, beyond tears, beyond sane, and sadly, oh - so sadly
beyond hope ...
I have no clue what to do and feel so trapped in a situation that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I cannot really say that I have a tender heart ... it has had to toughen up quite a bit over the years - so to 'break' me as todays experience did - is rather unnerving. I'm just too tired right now to start picking up the pieces and take that first step back to 'normalcy' - whatever the hell that is ...
I am just too tired, too heartbroken, too sad to even start. And, actually - for once - I am at such a loss I don't even know where to start.
Maybe I will start tomorrow.....
But, then again …
maybe not ....
2 comments:
Have you ever recorded one of the outbursts? I wonder if a therapist could give you ideas about what triggers it or exacerbates the situation.
I can't imagine the stress you are under.
Know you are loved.
Well, that just multiplies my gratitude for you yesterday by a million. I can't thank you enough for meeting me in the foyer and listening to my little gripes and sharing with me. I wish I could help you, too. Thank you, my friend.
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