Lori's Blog : January 2013

I am on Day Four to be exact on my "UnChristmasing" and here is the score:

Lori: 2

UnChristmasing Tutelary: 23

(OK, I might be fudging a bit - I think he has more points than this but I REFUSE to count some I have deemed RIDICULOUS)

It is not looking good folks

I'm not particularly competitive, but it is rather bothersome to have some rather odd, obnoxious 'deity' or 'spirit' or 'demigod' if you will ... wandering about mucking up things ...

**Addendum **

I added this part a day later because I was thinking about it while totally not sleeping last night ...

until I did actually fall asleep - an then dreamed of my "Power Animal"

Dude ... I SO HATE my dreams ....

Even if he IS my Power Animal ...

And I am just lucky enough to think that IF I really DID have a Power Animal it would be either:

The Aye-Aye or "Daubentonia madagascariensis"

(Genus:Daubentonia):

He is described as having a long thin middle finger (which I think COULD come in handy ...) but most of all he is 'Butt Ugly' and 'Nocturnal' ...

Both traits in which we possess ...

The Axolotl
(or 'Ajolote' or 'Ambystoma Exicanum' or 'Water Monster' )
(Genus: Ambystoma)

It is a Mexican Neotenic Mole Salamander but "fail to undergo metamorphosis" so the adults remain aquatic and gilled.

So basically they have the ability to breathe air but choose not to and totally live in the water - not too cool but they have the REALLY COOL ability to regenerate any of their body parts or organs ...

which is pretty much a

SUPER POWER

as is breathing under water -

Thus probably too cool to be my Power Animal but I like him so I included him.

A Tarsier

(Genus: in the family Tarsiidae):

ALSO 'Butt Ugly' and 'Nocturnal' and add to that 'Creepy Looking'

Thus AGAIN traits in which we both possess ...

The Dumbo Octopus (genus Grimpoteuthis):

Probably too cute to be my Power Animal ...

But don't you SO WANT ONE FOR A PET?

Others in contention would be:

(by their name only - not any of their characteristics ... maybe) ....

Sloth
Hagfish
Pink Fairy Armadillo
Blobfish

All amazingly and totally ugly ...

I am really, really leaning toward the Aye-Aye which sounds very ... Nautical - but it totally has the ability to scare the shit out of someone just by its appearance ...

SO VERY COOL ....

I have digressed ....

I am unsure if my "UnChristmasing Tutelary" is a he or a she thus I will use 'it' henceforth.

Note: since writing that proclamation I got in the habit of saying he/she so I lied, plus since I was in that "Day Three of No Sleep" thing and my potty mouth was being very troublesome and sorta kinda called 'it' an "Ass Hat" which while thinking about it last night instead of sleeping

I have decided is a

TOTALLY MALE

Name/Trait/Characteristic ...

Thus - it is a "HE".

And EVAH SO SORRY about the "Ass Hat" thing.

YES, NOW I have typed 'Ass Hat' in ~~three~~ four times ...

I would think that taking down Christmas would be simply going backwards from putting it up - would it not?

At the Hurst Home this does not seem to be the case. Apparently I was not assigned a "Christmas Decorating Tutelary" thus was not really bothered or hampered at all - also I had "Ryan The Slave Boy" here.

I am rather unversed in their responsibilities ... are they assigned to help and mine is just a total Ass Hat, or are they assigned to hinder? Let me know if you have taken an in depth

"Pseudo-Totally-Fake-Religious-Stuff-That-Lori-Hurst-Makes-Up-In-Her-Rather-Odd-Brain-Course"

and let me know, OK?

Thanks ever so much!

Here's the thing ...

OK - a few things:

1) Gary was leaving for Norway for two weeks and I generally start getting my "Weird On" some time after he leaves - but for some reason I decided that I would start early this time ...

2) I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT take down that freaking Christmas Tree (more on it later ...) so it either came down on Saturday or stayed up until February and that ... even for me ... just felt slothful.

3) My Original Title when I was thinking about it on Saturday was

"My OCD Seems to Have Ramped Up a Bit ..."

but then I realized that I had a "UnChristmasing Tutelary" totally KICKING MY BUTT when it came to ANYTHING to do with UnDecorating Christmas and started keeping score in a notebook.

4) That I am:

"Keeping Score In Notebook"

with a Fake Demigod with whom I totally have fun, wondrous, sometimes snarky conversations with is probably a sign that I should not wander very far from my house ...

or talk to anyone ...

or answer the phone ...

or write any e-mails

(I tend to piss people off since I totally lose my 'filtering' ability ...)

or write in my Blog ...

BUT:

Gary won't know if I am alive if I don't post and I would rather not have

a) A Fireman

b) A Policeman

or

c) Someone I actually know (EEEK!)

show up at my door to obtain

"Proof Of Life"

for Gary ...

So I am at an impasse and I am blogging - but

and this is a VERY BIG "BUT"!

There are over seventy photos in this here post and it is probably going to be weird and all rambly ...

Sort of like right now since I was just going to have a wee short intro and begin - and that seems to be happening,

like,

NOT AT ALL ...

So - you may

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ...

Except for Bonne ...

You are NOT ALLOWED

To Read This!

Because I don't want to hear the complaining about how freaking long it is and that you nearly died of boredom and/or exhaustion reading it.

Dang!

Dang!

Dang!

Can someone, anyone, anywhere tell me how to turn off that Stupid Emergency Broadcast Alert on my phone? Other alerts (when I remember to turn the mute back off) is a pleasant beep.

This damn thing is EXACTLY like it used to be way back when I used to watch TV and ten times louder and SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

It just happened - so that's why I am asking y'all ... Now back to our regularly scheduled rambling post ...

OH! Lookie there - Ryan just called me since while trying to shut up my phone I apparently accidentally called him - I don't believe he HEARD me ... well, I would rather HOPE NOT ... but he called back and totally told me how to turn the alert off!

The REALLY COOL PART?

I ACTUALLY DID IT!!!

Big plus for me today since I am pretty sure that it is the first thing I have tried and have it work out successfully and did not totally burst into flames and it is now almost 5:00pm ...

*sigh*

OK - well - we will begin again on Saturday ...

Gary gets up before me and has his disgusting oatmeal breakfast and showers - his theory (I think) is if he does not perform both these rituals immediately upon arising he will die a horrible death ...

Right Then ...

Or something like that -

he is Very Committed to his routine ...

Me - I am happy if I fall asleep before 6:00 am. If I get at least TWO HOURS of sleep I call the night a success ...

Oh! I should probably mention that I have not fallen asleep for three days now - it tends to make me all weird and rambly ... can you tell?

On Friday - Saturday I saw 6:00 am roll around, annoyed a few people of Facebook and then fell asleep for about an hour!! Yeah!!

When I got up I wandered into the kitchen for my "Punch" ...

(long explanation - I used to be a diet coke gal, but somewhere during all this 'ick' I have been going through, my stomach decided that "no" ... just "no" to carbonated beverages - thus I have switched to Crystal Light and guzzle it all day and night ...)

When I entered the kitchen, I noticed right off that Gary had done what he said he would do and I promised to help him ... he took all the ornaments off the tree.

Our plan was he would get on the ladder - I am still 'banned' from all ladder or step stool activity until further notice - would put them in a padded container and I would take them to ... somewhere and lay them all out so I could start the Enormous and Totally Ridiculous task of putting them all away.

The fact that each and every one of my 'special' ornaments has its very own container tends to gum up the works - I can't just throw them all in a bin and be done with it - which right now sounds rather nice ...

He had laid out a very soft blanket and had a big Rubbermaid container lined with a towel and schlepped all the ornaments to the kitchen while I was getting my one hour snooze:

Some of the ornaments are just some plastic silver balls that I think we have had for over 25 years, but still look good and I am lazy, thus I am still using them.

Gary has requested more red next year which TOTALLY disrupts my Silver and Gold and Crystal theme ... but he has a point - it is bigger and was rather sparse ... not to mention rather "Silvery and Goldy and Crystaly".

I had told him that the "Silvery and Goldy and Crystaly" WAS THE POINT ... but I will probably get online and find a grundle of glass red ball ornaments. I don't know why I want glass ... because I really do need One More Thing to worry about breaking hanging on my tree.

Not to mention the twenty glass silver and gold angels I bought on my

"Super-Duper-After-Christmas-Sale-While-Waiting-For-Prescriptions-Shopping-Spree"

they look like they will break if you breathe on them ...

But for now - I Really Do just toss ornaments into a bin ... well a TIN.

Tell me ... aren't these just the CUTEST TINS you ever did see? They are from Norway and Sweden and would hold pepperkakers. That is a crisp ginger cookie that are delicious and addicting and probably rather bad for you ...

but "Eat we must" (say it in Yoda speak, please ...)

because we need the tins to store the ornaments!

Not really - Gary had made the decision to put all of our Christmas in storage when we moved because he thought we would be coming home each year. We went to Gary's Moms House the first year - but I Really, Really Really wanted to experience a "Norwegian Christmas" which sounds all noble and all ...

But what I Really, Really, Really wanted to do was buy all the absolutely wonderfully made Christmas stuff they sold. It was ALL abso-freakin-lutely wonderful, and cool and beautiful and so WELL MADE I wanted to buy EVERYTHING!!!

I know that will come to a Complete Surprise to you ....

Norway does not sell crappy stuff - they have import laws and while things are very, very expensive and people don't have much - every single thing they have is top notch quality.

I really grew to love that and became rather spoiled - things made better and cost more REALLY ARE much nicer to use and last longer ...

really.

You will NEVER find a Dollar Store in Norway.

If I could afford Miele appliances - EACH AND EVERY appliance in my house - big or small would be Miele ...

The house we rented from the "Kindly Billionaire Hans" was worth millions and chock full of Miele ... everything .... and it WAS WONDERFUL ...

I brought all the tins home because COULD YOU THROW THAT AWAY?

I mean really?

Then, when I had nothing to really store all the silver balls in since their little plastic tubey thingies got smooshed while in storage - I got the tins out and declared myself an

"UnDecorating Genius"

Apparently it had a limited expiration date ...

probably, like, about three days ...

I have issues - I know that this will come as a Complete Surprise to y'all, but I put my ornaments on in a certain order and put them away in a certain order.

I just realized that I put them away in the exact opposite order as I put them on the tree - so for all you Computer Scientists out there -

it is a FIFO System ...

Then things got ...

well ... weird

Even for me!

I absolutely COULD NOT put a single thing away without safely sheathing it is an air tight Bitty Little Baggie!?!

See - are they just the CUTEST (photo waaaay down there ...)?

I did not think you could buy these or thought you would have to get them from a pharmacy like other controlled stuff - needles, all those decongestants thingies - stuff like that ...

Why?

You ask?

Well ...

BECAUSE OF THE MOVIES!!!

Yes, this makes completely no sense whatsoever but in the movies when ever someone is buying cocaine it is in a darling little baggie exactly like the littlest one down there - or it is in bricks - but my knowledge of purchasing, bagging, etc, etc, etc cocaine is rather limited having never seen it in real life - just the movies.

For all I know, "they" will only sell cocaine to you in adorable Iitty Bitty Tupperware Containers - but I don't know - so I didn't think you could buy these by the thousands.

No, there is not a thousand in that particular box, but when I saw them at the Craft Store, I thought - well, maybe they will soon be banned - who knows?

So I bought them out. At the check out counter I sort of felt guilty so I muttered something about beads or I said "beading" or something TOTALLY NOT the correct lingo for someone who is in the need of 15 thousand Little Bitty Baggies JUST FOR BEADS!

The checker looked at me askance - I was pretty sure she thought that I was the

Most ADORABLE Drug Dealer Evah

and was SO going to turn me in so I shut up and paid for my purchase and got out of there before the FBI showed up to arrest me.

Thus I have pretty much a lifetime supply of various sized Little Itty Bitty Ziploc bags!

They are wonderful! I use them all the time - but generally with a little restraint.

Apparently my Little Itty Bitty Baggie Ziploc restraint ...

Button?

Habit?

Resolve?

Force?

Thingie?...

is broken and I simply cannot stop myself!

Add in the regular sized Ziploc bags - and of course I have every single size they make - and 4 more of each box in the pantry ...

One simply CANNOT LIVE without every size available of Ziploc bags!

People have told me that I should buy stock in the company or make commercials since I am a TRUE DEVOTED FAN and I am really not a fan of very many things.

Why, yes, I have been called:

"The Ziploc Bag Lady"

many times and it NEVER gets old ...

After my Silver Balls -

I move on to the unbreakables.

PLEASE - someone tell me:

Why do these need to be bagged?

NOW?

After being tossed unprotected to the elements every January Someteenth every year - why NOW must they be air tight?

I simply have no idea ...

WHY

WHY?

Sure - they are ADORABLE and from Norway - but they have been fine ... for YEARS and YEARS!

Why am I doing this?

Is there an intervention group I can join ...

"Baggies Anonymous"

or something?

Yes, it is a Penhaligon's brand Sterling Silver Snowflake that I bought in Harrod's in London thus I am assuming it is somewhat ...

'Swanky'

but really have no idea at all.

I bought it IN 2005 and Until Saturday - its special grey flannel bag ... thingie ... kept it looking

JUST FINE:

Be proud of me! I actually got one of Rachael's 2012 Angels in a box WITHOUT sheathing it! That it was too big to fit in any of my bags and still be oh, so comfortably cooshied in its foam

Had Absolutely Nothing To Do With It ...

Really ...

OK -

SURE - it is Rachael's first 'Angel' which is not an Angel at all but a Cherub.

I purchased it in Nineteen Ninety Six and it has never been in anything but that Elizabeth Arden cool container for some serum caplets or something that I used to get - and she is still GOLD as GOLD!

But NO ... into a Little Itty Bitty Baggie she went ...

and she Does Not Look Pleased About It ...

AT ALL ...

Now - HERE is one of my preferred methods of storing an ornament.

It is a hard sided box with padding inside.

The lid closes and a darling little bone chip fits through that little loop - safely securing its contents ever so comfortably for the year to come ...

Didn't seem to have a problem with these either ...

(OK - I tried putting a bag on one, but they fit so tight in the box, it was too tight and gave up ...)

Just in case your are wondering: "God Jul" means literally: "Good Christmas"

Which is the proper Norwegian Christmas greeting:

*sigh*

This has nothing to do with the post ...

This Pretty Little Thing is from Prague, in The Czech Republic.

When I got her home, she only had one wing - thus she has never hung on the tree, but a say "Hello" every year since she was going to be Rachael's Angel for that year and I am quite enamored with her - one wing-ed or not ...

And yes, after having a wee bit of a chat with her I shoved her in a Little Itty Bitty Bag and sealed her up while she yelled something about

"Being claustrophobic" ...

or something ...

I call these three pretty ladies ...

well a few things:

On a good day when they are behaving themselves they are:

"The Russian Divas"

"The Russian Princesses

"When they are being all snarky and snotty I call them ...

well ...

something else entirely ...

I had to use 'Snack Size' Ziplocs for them and they bitched and moaned and said they would suffocate and something else in Russian that I didn't understand but I am PRETTY SURE it was NOT NICE ...

I bought these in Kirkeness (pronounced 'shirk-en-ess'), Norway - the Northernmost point in Norway on the border of Russia.

They held a market on the first Saturday of every month where the Russians would cross the border and set up booths and sell stuff ... would have been SO COOL to have been there on THAT day ...

But we were not there for that - we were there to board the "Hurtigruten Cruise" (pronounced 'hurt-ee-root-en' - meaning Fast Route). It is a Semi-Cruise Ship - since it also delivers supplies and mail to places that have no roads to them.

We were on it for a FUN FILLED TWO WEEKS!

Where it rained the entire time except for a half an hour one day.

Did I mention we TOOK THE KIDS?

And that on about day TWO Gary just about jumped overboard?

Or that every time we passed a boat, Ryan took off his shirt and tried to wave it down hoping they would come rescue him?

Yeah ... the day and night we spent in Kirkeness Gary calls:

"The Week We Spent In Kirkeness"

because it was just so Absolutely Freaking Fun ...

It was an Itty Bitty Wee Little Townlet with absolutely nothing to entertain the kids with and all the signs were in Russian ...

And our hotel rooms were small ....

Oh, so very small ...

It was sort of like ... exactly like a "Portent of Things To Come" when we boarded the boat and saw the size of the two cabins we would be living in for the next two weeks ...

But he coined that phrase well before he was trapped on a boat in the rain with Jessie for TWO WEEKS ...

I don't remember what he calls THAT exactly , or even if it is printable here ...

If I ever talk about it or look at a photograph I took while on the ship - he gets his 'Very Angry Face' on and says NOTHING.

I think it is a rather smart 'Unwritten Policy' that we have

That we

NEVER SPEAK OF IT ...

EVER ...

AGAIN ...

EVER.

Still - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my Russian Diva's even when they are being bitchy and all the other loot I purchased there made by very, very talented Russians.

Yes, there was nothing to do with the KIDS ... but they DID have SHOPPING!!!

My kind of town!

I thought it was PERFECT ...

OK Again -

WHY?

Why are my Georg Jensen ornaments allowed to let it all hang out? Why are they not forcefully stuffed into an Litte Itty Bitty Baggie like everyone else?

He is a Danish Designer and his name is pronounced "Gay-org Yen-sen" and if you pronounce it WRONG in the store that I purchased these limited edition ornaments in - they simply would not sell you any of his stuff!

This was an UPPITY store that sold only "REALLY REALLY COOL Designers" stuff and they Loved, Loved, Loved Georg - I am pretty sure there was a 'Georg Jensen Fan Club' but me not being "Norwegian" could NEVER understand the beauty and talent of such a Scandinavian and was thus never offered a chance to join.

I called them the "Georg Jensen Snob Club" but still - Cool Ornaments!

I also have an absolutely STUNNING set of three small funky shaped pewter candle holders ... they are GORGEOUS!!!

So I played by the rules and respectfully called their 'god' by the proper pronunciation ...

They DO each have a velvet lined case that they are gently cuddled in for the time they are in there, but

Still ...

I don't really know how they got out of the:

"Forced Plastic Incarceration of 2013"

Angels, Angels, Angels - all in their Little Itty Bitty Baggies ...

complaining like all the rest ...

Ingrates!

I am TRYING TO PROTECT THEM!

Do they not understand that?

I looked and looked at all these cute little guys. I spoke to them. The ones from Bavaria, Germany might not have understood but the Norwegians probably did ...I TRIED to explain that I was just trying to protect them and that I was sure it was just a phase ... and maybe next year things would be better ...

They were stoic and silent ...

... as I "Jailed" them and gently set them in their assigned boxes ...

And ...

ALL OF A SUDDEN ...

I was

THERE ...

NOTHING LEFT ... absolutely nothing at all but my Swarovski Crystal.

I HAVE NO IDEA why it goes on the tree last or gets put away last.

I think that I am sort of scared of them.

That each one costs more than all the other ornaments combined - except for the other Swarovski Ornaments just maybe ...

OK really, really has something to do with it ...

I LOVE THEM probably too much ...

OK ... yeah I Love Them TOO MUCH ...

And I am terrified that I am going to kill one ...

ACCIDENTALLY of course ...

Here's the thing ....

See those blue boxes down there?

I have labeled EACH and EVERY one of them with the 'Year' year and the "Rachael Angel Year"

I also labeled all their VERY annoying

"Sheath-Covering-Thingie-That-I-Don't-Know-Why-I-Don't-Just-Throw-It-Away-And-Takes-A-Rocket-Scientist-To-Figure-Out-How-To-Put-It-On"

so YOU WOULD THINK this putting away thing would be a snap - yes?

No ....

Oh, so much a NO, NO, NO ...

A few are labeled with the year - but most are not - thus it is some Masochistic Chinese Torture Puzzle to fit them in their:

'Specially-Cut-Out-Foam-For-One-And-Only-One-Of-The-Angels-Figure-It-Out-Your-Own-Damn-Self-With-Love-Swarovski'

It is an annoying, frustrating guessing game and I suck at it ...

Here are the:

'Specially-Cut-Out-Foam-For-One-And-Only-One-Of-The-Angels-Figure-It-Out-Your-Own-Damn-Self-With-Love-Swarovski'

FREAKING.

MADDENING.

CHINESE.

TORTURE.

PUZZLE.

My theory is that the Austrians actually HATE to make them, thus they have this EVIL PLOT to keep us away and not purchasing them year after year ...

BUT I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!

I WILL PERSEVERE ...

As I was standing there wondering what went where and not really wanting to play

"Put Away Christmas Fairy"

any longer -

I remembered that for the last two years they made angels that could stand independently ...

you know - like ...

on their own ...

So - I started to look for them:

Hereis one!

And here!

Um...

And here?

WHAT?!?

Seriously ...

I was POSITIVE that only the last two years angels could stand on their own ...

Apparently I didn't get the memo on some of them:

Gave up on the Angels and decided to put away the Snowflakes.

MY BELOVED SNOWFLAKES!

I have actually NEVER had any until this year and then sort of went a wee bit 'Snowflake Crazy' and got a few more than one ...

Got one of the two Big ones with the Year all marked and everything ...

LIKE I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUT AWAY A TWO DIMENSIONAL SNOWFLAKE...

Did not photograph it ...

And by now this should totally and completely stun you ....

But I put away a bitty little one too ...

And on to the SET:

Hmmmm ...

Uhhhhhh ...

I seem to be missing one?

A baby one, but still ...

As I was wondering where it could be, a thought hit my brain at the EXACT MOMENT Gary pulled the tree apart in the other room and dumped it on the floor ...

My thought:

"Maybe it is still on the tree?"

"Maybe Gary didn't see it?"

AHHHHGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Oh Crap!

Oh Crap

OH CRAP!

Oh!

Wait!

I have one hanging on an "Ornament Hanger" on my desk in the office!

Heh, heh, heh -

Whew!

THERE we go ...

*** Important Announcement ***

We interrupt this:

'Regularly-Scheduled-Albeit-Rambling-And-Wandering-All-Over-The-Place-Post'

to bring you what is titled:

"That Crappin' Dang Freakishly Large Christmas Tree"

with a BONUS EXTRA title:

"Freaking FALSE Advertising"

Gary called me into the entry to help him try to shove the behemoth tree pieces in the box that looked like it would hold about half of the pieces.

It took a LOT of shoving and moving and manipulating and FINALLY, FINALLY we held it tight and taped the crap out of it.

He then said that his dollies wheel was broken.

I saw that the gross weight was 110 lbs and that it was Ten AND A HALF feet tall?

When I was online purchasing it they said it was TEN FEET. You would not think a half a foot (which is probably, really like three feet) would be noticeable - but I kept saying and saying that this DANG TREE was NOT just one foot taller than our last one ...

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING ...

It also says it was made in China ...

Maybe they have different measuring rules ...

Or different rounding rules ...

Or just freaking lie ...

At 110 lbs I told Gary I could handle it.

He said: "No"

I PROMISED him I was sure I could do it if I was careful ...

He said: "No"

He told me he didn't want me to hurt my back ...

Well ... duh ... Neither did I ...

I have two discs that actually they say they cannot see at all - just bone on bone and one herniated disc on the way there ...

They want to fuse them but I am serious when I say that I am pretty sure I would die on the operating table.

Anyways, it is only ONE of a PLETHORA of pains that I have to ACTIVELY ignore every minute of every day and take Morphine for ...

So why bother when all the other ones will still be there?

Ohhh - unless I die - then, well, NO MORE PAIN!

I have thrown out my back and trust me - I was not wanting to do that.

I PROMISE you - after having to crawl for two entire weeks because I could not walk - I learned a VERY IMPORTANT lesson:

You DO NOT want to see your carpet up close and personal like that ...

like ...

EVER.

ICK!!

We sort of had no options and I didn't want it sitting in the entry for a month so I told him to let me try and I would tell him yes or no ...

He picked up my end and I took it - thus not having to stoop, bend or what ever y'all are supposed to do when lifting something heavy.

I told him it was not bad at all and we started for the back door.

I even told him I was good enough that I was sure I could get the door open and just hold it with one arm for a bit.

By the time we got to the door I had totally changed my mind so we turned, Gary opened the door and out we went.

I was VERY HAPPY when we got to its resting place - at the foot of the ladder up to the attic.

I thought this was odd, since when Gary finished the attic, he put in a 'hole' and a pulley system to winch things up that were heavy and I was NOW POSITIVE that this freaking tree fit the bill ...

He explained that he didn't know where his pulley was so we were going to 'Ratchet it Up' into the attic.

It took a bit - but my guy can tie knots better than any sailor or Boy Scout around:

And a ratcheting he went:

We had a few times where I had to hold it away from the stairs - so he could get up or something or other since I did it more than once - and it was a butt - very disagreeable with being moved into another position ...

Almost there ...

I almost had started breathing again here - TOTALLY CONVINCED that the rope was going to snap and it was going to fall on me and do much damage to my person ...

Why I didn't move out of the way is a mystery ...

By then I am pretty sure that I was not thinking all that straight ...

THIS is where I started breathing again ...

I heard Gary say that we were most DEFINITELY NOT going to do it like this next year ...

Yes!!!

See?

That lovely little hole in the ceiling? OK, not a hole, but you can tell where you take the piece of wood off ... and if you cannot then you are dumber than dirt since I have a HUGE BLACK ARROW pointing to it ...

Would have been EVER SO NICE to use it ....

He told me I could go and 'Thank You' because he is just that kind of guy and I promptly walked in the house and fell into bed for about an hour ...

Yeah ... being me sucks ....

and I am so lazy it is embarrassing ....

While laying there, I remembered that a couple of the Angels are marked with the year in the gold accents on them.

Since it is a crap shoot - my theory of Evil Austrian Crystal Makers still stands -

It is almost worse to do it some years and not other years ...

I mean What The Heck?

They just like messing with our minds?

Did they put one on this year?

Yes?

No?

Is there a "Help Desk" in Austria that can tell me?

Am I going to sit here and look and this damn thing for an hour and see if I can find the secret HIDEY HOLE where your Freaking Evil Crystal Guy hid the year?

Actually ... YES I DID ... MANY times ...

I would complain, but they might put me on some "Crystal Angel Watch List" and ban me for life from ever buying their yearly Angel and that just won't do ...

So I just ...

*sigh*

Oh!

Lookie!It is my first Swarovski Angel - 2006 - the year we got home from Norway!

One down .... um, SIX to go!

I remember thinking that this Pretty Little Thing had a year - was it on her song sheet?

No - but isn't it just the CUTEST "Silent Night" you have ever seen?

Ah! It was on her belt ...

Wow! TWO WHOLE YEARS in a row ...

What were they thinking?

Then I remember seeing on one of the "Standing Angels" a '2009' etched on it - in the photo of her standing it has a blow up of it ...

But the rest - I searched and searched and searched and NEVER found a year ...

But I started to notice something ....

I don't think that I had ever turned one upside down before and just looked at the beauty of the crystal ...

Why had I not done that before?

I love everything about them, why oh why had I not looked at them close enough to find a virtual

"UNIVERSE of BEAUTIFUL"

inside my Beautiful, Beautiful Rachael Angels?

Since I knew I had a TON of photos to post ...

And I LOVED the bottom of each and every angel ...

And - NO

I am NOT referring to nor is it an Angel Butt ...

So I put them all together in one 'photo' ...

If you blew up any of those you would totally be in awe ....

LITERALLY ...

"GALAXIES of BEAUTY"

it is simply AWESOME to the 100th degree ...

or not ...

If you are not a crystal lover you might just shrug and say 'So'? And then I would punch you in the face and never speak to you again ...

(kidding, sort of ...)

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful ....

And look what I FINALLY did!

Unfortunately I took only panorama shots of the line up ... why I didn't do what I did when I took the photo of the empty

'Specially-Cut-Out-Foam-For-One-And-Only-One-Of-The-Angels-Figure-It-Out-Your-Own-Damn-Self-With-Love-Swarovski'

and walk around the bar to get far enough away to get them all in one shot is beyond me ...

It was before I fell in bed that I took the proper photo ...

so there is that ...

I was by this time a wee bit more Brain Dead then I was before that entire

"Ginormous Christmas Tree Moving Debacle Of 2013".

I learned a VERY IMPORTANT lesson:

Photoshop Totally Sucks at piecing together a set of photos where you take a photo straight on, take a big step to the left (or right ...) and take another photo straight on and continue this until you have taken the entire series (overlapping at least by 35% so it can orient itself).

See that second box on the left - yeah - waaay down there ... yes ... keep going - see it?

So Totally Square in real life!!!

OK, see ALL of the freakishly weird shaped boxes?

So NOT what they really look like ...

I used every trick in the book to 'Transform' this crappy panorama into something that would SEEM to exist here on Planet Earth ...

I used the Transform-Distort tool, I used the Transform-Perspective tool, I used the Transform-Warp tool, I used about 100 combinations of the three above tools ... plus some.

I stitched it together with each option it gave me ...and yet ...

STILL ...

TOTALLY SUCKS!!!

It obviously assumes that you are going to do what I usually do: Stand in one freaking place and just turn your body to take each photo ...

I have SO TOTALLY learned my lesson ...

But ...

here's the thing!

I know it is a sucky photo and all, but those boxes down there ...why, yes you ARE actually getting closer to the photo I am blabbering on and on and on about ...

They are in order by year!!!

Next year, all I need to do is find this total CRAPOLA of a photo and I will know exactly where each and every Angel goes!

GO ME!!!

The FIRST TIME ... EVERY TIME!!!

No more Chinese Torture Puzzle!

And of course I will totally retake the photo the right way ...

But "Clever, Am I Not?" (Yoda speak again) ...

And yet ...

Still ...

It SERIOUSLY took me Seven Years to figure this out?

Sometimes (OK, most of the time) it is so embarrassing being me ...

All Done!

Well, sort of ...

I did a celebratory jig ...

OK, not really but I imagined that I did ...

and that so counts ...

Then I went and grabbed the "Ornament Trunk" and all of the loot from my

"Super-Duper-After-Christmas-Sale-While-Waiting-For-Prescriptions-Shopping-Spree"

and started to place my ornaments ... ever so gently in the trunk.

See all my pretty Gold And Silver Glass Angels? They are in their original packaging, but since about half of the ones at the store were broken - unless some kids were using them for baseball practice in the aisles - I don't have all that much faith that when they come out next year they will be intact.

I will expect a bounty of glass shards and be pleasantly surprised if they are intact ...

Hmmmm ....

We seem to have encountered a problem ...

And why oh why would I have simply assumed that ALL of my usual ornaments that totally fill up the trunk and the additional 50 some odd new ornaments would all fit the same said trunk together?

Like, were the new ones going to just try and squeeze in between the boxes?

Yes, I am THAT stupid ...

Often ...

But apparently I am not myself these days so I am going to totally blame it on being a

'Wee Bit Out of My Freaking Head"

and not me just being plain old STUPID ...

What to do?

My ornaments simply must stay all together ....

I know that sounds very ... stringent and most likely weird and all but y'all need to remember exactly who is writing this here post - so not sounding all that weird NOW is it ... hmmmm?

I blame this on the:

"Strict Rule of Christmas #47":

"All Ornaments MUST have proper housing while off duty and all MUST reside in the same complex so that Anarchy Will Not Ensue

(see addendum #248 if said anarchy does commence) ..."

OK - really it is because of two things:

1) My ever worsening OCD simply will not allow it ...

I would not be able to sleep nights ...

and ...

2) My sort of pretty insanely odd ... habit / way of life / 'what's weird about it' thingie wherein my brain turns inanimate objects into live, friendly buddies - complete with past histories, names, family members (MOST of whom are either insane, eccentric or psychopaths ... I don't know WHY my brain does it ... it just is what it is ...) etc. etc. etc.

I can look at something and Immediately it has a name, a past and usually a few sad and/or weird stories to keep things interesting plus there are always those really WEIRD family members ...

Sort of like the two parrots that used to eat out of the birdhouse outside my window by my desk.

They showed up one day and INSTANTLY

*poof*

They were Pedro and Julio ... a Hispanic gay parrot couple ...

I have NO IDEA why this happens ...

I probably should see someone about it ...

But - it is rather fun for someone that is a wee bit mentally unhinged, a recluse and since it has been happening, like ...

ALL MY LIFE - totally NOT weird at all ...

TO ME ...

I TOTALLY blame this on "Middle Child Syndrome" and not having many friends when I was little ...

or maybe my Mom was part of a "Medical Drug Trial" while she was pregnant with me ...

Hmmm - she hasn't said that she WAS part of a "Medical Drug Trial" while pregnant with me, but she has not said that SHE WASN'T either ....

So lying in bed ... I spend a lot of time trying to fall asleep and you simply cannot think of real things or you will be up all night!

So if I separate my ornaments, all of my previous visions of them all chummy and friendly and holding wonderful conversations and fabulous 'Theme Parties' for the eleven months they are in the attic would be horrifying be altered!

I mean, what if I separate Two Best Friends?

What if there is a burgeoning romance between the "Bavarian Nutcracker" and the "Prague Angel"? I mean she only has ONE WING - what if I mess up her one and only chance for Love?

These things are important people!!!

OK, not really ...

*sing songy voice*

Lying again ....

But I have a seriously twisted, weird, animated imagination - which has led me to raise a son that knows the 'tableau' of most every major crime scene ...

Played out in Playmobil ...

SERIOUSLY?

What kind of Mother does that?

Yeah,

*sigh*

A crazy one ....

Something simply must be done! And then I remember!

We have a BIGGER trunk! Problem solved!

Budding romances will bud, friends will bond, fantastic 'Theme Parties' will be planned and executed and everyone will have a grand old time!

Sometimes life is just one rolled up, lumpy, somewhat soggy ball of AWESOME!!!

And!

BONUS!!!

See this case?

Know what it is?

OF COURSE YOU DON'T ....

It is officially called the "HMO".

NO ... not THAT one ...

It is the "Hurst Military Outpost"

(the government just loves their acronyms don't they?)

These are my GUYS!!!!

My Soldiers!

My 'Go To' Dudes!

My Buddies!

We made them about a billion years ago for Family Home Evening (probably one of 5 that didn't end in tears, frustration and failure .... Oh! Wait - it ended EXACTLY like that - but we still got these guys done ...)

Every year I take this case that suspiciously looks like an Estee Lauder make-up Train Case - but totally is not - it is a Real Life Bona Fide Military Outpost - you just cannot see it all ...

And every year I say in a very stern voice:

"Stand Down Soldiers! You are not needed this year."

And then they all start to complain and whine and so I SHUT THE LID on them ...

Until the next year and we do it all over again ...

When I opened the lid this year ... instead of the usual ...

I blurted out

"What the Heck?

Guys!?!

What have you been doing?

Having an orgy?"

They were all piled all over each other and totally not standing at attention as usual.

I think a few were even drunk ....

*sigh*

Yes ...

I really did ACCUSE Clothes Pin Soldiers of having an orgy ...

And being drunk ...

I am TOTALLY not proud of it if that is any consolation ....

So I told them to get themselves together because I was taking their photo ...

Other than Jim Bob over their on the left - everybody shaped right up - but Jim Bob is ALWAYS complaining ...

His Drill Sargent there a wee bit to the right of the buckle as I snap this photo is telling him to

"Shut it ..."

The Soldiers were absolutely THRILLED to get to go in the "Ornament Trunk" sort of like, well exactly like a "Shore Leave" in some exotic country ...

I made the Drill Sargent PROMISE me that they would all stay away from my Angels ...

They BETTER ....

And to finish the first day ...

or was it the second?

They are sort of running together and this is about 100 pages long by now and I still have a DAY to go!

I totally CLEANED THE KITCHEN!

I probably should have been sainted ... but there were a few ... issues ... while trying to fit things here and there and thus it probably, yeah, totally cancelled anything good I did out ...

Off to bed to stare at the walls for four hours, then get up in disgust and go about my day ...

which ever day that was ...

Day Three was designated:

"The OFFICIAL Nativity Put Away Day" ...

my previous blog post goes into horrifyingly painful, lengthy detail of my first Nativity I put away - thus I am TOTALLY skipping it ...

The "UnChristmasing Tutelary Dude" got 5 points on THAT Nativity alone!

And all you that tell me that "Naughty Wise Man" goes in the spot to his direct right and the guy in there (Joseph) goes in the one I reamed?

GUYS - Do you really think I am this stupid?

Do you not think that I tried each and every hole - even the little ones at least fifteen times each?

YES.

DID.

And, besides - if you were looking closely - Joseph has a staff that goes above his head. Thus in the spot he is in there is a space above his head ... you know, like ... for his staff.

Sure, I could have chopped off the staff and dismantled the lantern - but he still would not have fit in the spot to his left - Trust Me - Joseph is in the correct room - specially formed - just for him, his freaking staff and his outstretched arm that is holding the lantern.

Gary suggested this when he called me from Norway - I clearly explained it to him and he asked me

"Then ... what?

Where does he go - since he CLEARLY didn't fit in the spot you 'remodeled' for him?"

I had no answer.

But now I do!

Basically since he has been gone long enough for me to go a wee bit 'crazier' than I was when he kissed me goodbye ...

The answer?

There is ONLY ONE ....

MAGIC

Clear and simple ...

It was MAGIC ...

Mystery Solved ....

AAAAAAANNNNDDDD on to the Nativity Number Two ...

I was really, really hoping that my

"Little Itty Bitty Bag Fetish"

had played itself out ...

*sigh*

Yeah, there were a few complainers - but most of them are really old and feeble and easy to ignore.

The Camel was INCENSED!

But I am bigger than him so into the baggie he went!

*double sigh*

Yes, this here is a bag full of my

"Bits of a Wise Man"

that I am still sort of hoping will magically put himself back together one of these years when he gets bored up there in the attic.

Now that I have a stand in ... I don't know why I keep him, but he is a buddy - and, you never know when one of the Angels might take a liking to him ...

Maybe one that likes to put puzzles together and knows how to mix up a batch of glue ... it would be a match made in heaven ...

Wouldn't that be the COOLEST thing ever?

I generally put all the dudes inside their manger and then just shove it in the box - using layers and layers of bubble wrap ...

As you can see - I spent a BUNDLE on this one (the tag says: $7.99) and it has bothered me for about the 15 - 20 years I have had it that it is too big proportionally for the figurines ...

I really need to do something about that ...

And it sheds ...

JOY!!!

Two down - and my 'UnChristmasing Tutelary' has not bothered me since I broke one of my Brand spanking new Lenox Porcelain Angels wings ...

5 points for him ...

And I dropped a cute 'Clinging-Onto-The-Edge-Of-A-Glass-Santa' who looked adorable clinging onto the fence on the Playmobile's patio ... he looks exactly like a Jolly Old Cat Burglar - I dropped him and his leg fell off.

Dang ...

'UnChristmasing Tutelary': 3 more points

I am ... well, lets just say that super glue, toothpicks and me

DO NOT GET ALONG.

By the end I have generally glued one of my hands to my head ... or something equally as annoying and I am picking glue off me for days ...

I have left my "Fixer Upper Session" out of this blog - it was just too humiliating to write about ...

I will mention that I did 'sort of' fix both mentioned above - except for the part where I schooshed on Santa's Leg and sort of somehow ACCIDENTALLY with my thumb broke his knife off ...

Uggggggg .... it's back on too - but looks really, really crappy and there was another piece of him that mysteriously disappeared while I was 'fixin' thangs' ...

I am sure it will show up somewhere ...

Stuck to ...

My butt ...

Charlie's fur ...

Who knows?

Maybe a post about it later ...

When it isn't so 'traumatic and tragic' ...

Ahem ...

On to Nativity Three and JOY!

No Little Itty Bitty Baggies here!

I have NO IDEA WHY ...

As I finished rolling them all in their cute little paper towel homes and put the lid on - I carried it over to sit it with the others ...

All of a sudden my brain 'turned on' for a moment and we began one of our 'Conversations' ...

Brain: "Girl, do you think that is a wise move?

"Me: "What?"

Brain: " *dramatic sigh*

Let me lay it out for you:

a) See that Lenox Porcelain Angel down there that you first broke, then mangled with too much glue, then picked it all off and got it sort of right?

Can you hear her?

She is still sobbing uncontrollably ...

b) See your most favorite of all time Nativities is sitting there ...

Remember THAT ONE?

The one that you totally broke the Palm Tree of? Then sobbed like a baby for an hour?

You remember that one?

c) Do you see YOUR DOG up the stairs?

d) Do you think that Charlie Girl is going to sleep there tonight?

She has already ralphed on the rug in the entry this evening - which, by the way - was totally disgusting watching you clean that crap up ...

Just have to say ...

She be running right down those stairs and all I'm gonna say is that you are

Not going to like the game:

"Bowling with Breakables"

'cause Girl ...

It's just a matter of time ... y'all

(Yeah, don't ask me why 'she' speaks to me in 'Urban Slang' or whatever it is called... she only does it when she is dissing me ... I totally hate it ...)

Me: Uhhh, you have a point - thanks!

Brain: "Stupid is as Stupid Does ..."

Me: You can totally SHUT UP now ....

Safely ensconced in a 'Safe Zone' ...

Well as safe as they can be with me handling them and my 'UnChristmasing Tutelary Dude' lurking about ...

On to Nativity Three!!!

I LOVE this one too!

It is the one I bought in Christchurch, New Zealand at the Stunningly Beautiful Christchurch Cathedral that fell down during the Feb 2011 earthquake - I was heartbroken - it was a beauty.

And a plus! It is made of wood and unless I really, really try it is totally unbreakable

(knock on wood! Ha! Pun! Sort of ...)

I'm getting better! Or maybe it is that I put everything that would fit into a bag into a bag and the others got bubble wrapped to death ...

At this point it was in the wee early hours of the morning an I smugly thought that all I had left were a few tiny Nativities and my New Nesting Nativity - which I need to find a box for since it didn't really come with one.

It came in one - I am not kidding - that could have ALMOST held our dishwasher and each piece was bubble wrapped and taped, then bubble wrapped again, and taped again, then a bit more bubble wrap, then a layer of paper, and another layer of paper and one more layer of paper ... it was sort of like those Russian Nesting Dolls and I wondered if they were trying to make some sort of statement but all it did was piss me off ...

Oh! and then all three pieces were nestled in about a TON of Styrofoam peanuts ...

And then ...

REMEMBERED

And just MIGHT have said a few naughty words ...

I had totally forgot about my Willow Tree Nativity which is incredibly hard to do since it is freaking huge ...

and yet another Chinese Torture Puzzle ...

I told myself I didn't need to do it and continued on with my Photoshop tutorial ...

until I felt guilty and got up and just grabbed all the dang boxes and started ...

First one down - not too bad ... it does list on the outside what goes in the box or it would be impossible and I would be throwing all these in a bin together ...

Hmmmm .... still not a bad idea ...

The Wise Men were ever much more accommodating than in that 'Other' Nativity ...

*sigh*

Oh, my ...

how exciting ...

it is that stupid Crèche that REFUSES to cooperate ...

HATE

Can you go to hell for admitting something like that? Well, either way (and I am pretty sure that seat in hell is already a waiting for me - REGARDLESS of what I do from here on out ...)

I still hate it ...

Oh!

Lookie!!!

Instructions on how to put the damn thing together - which ANY kindergartner could do.

But NO INSTRUCTIONS for the freakishly weird contortions you have to go through with these pieces to actually make them fit in the dang box ...

How VERY SWEET of them ...

After a LOT more choice words - I got it in ... and by that time I really didn't care all that much if it was secure or would break since things sort of got ...

well ...

forceful and nasty and kind of complete with an Entire Compendium of all the naughty words I know in every combination possible ...

Why YES ...

I AM so proud of myself ...

I am pretty sure that I will never be able to put that Crèche back in the box and stay "G-Rated"...

just sayin' ...

I sigh heavily, apologize to all the Angels ...

I had to yell since they are all playing in the kitchen that I hoped that they had not heard me. I waited for an answer back and didn't hear one - so I am happy they did not hear me!

Sat back down at the computer and started my tutorial.

And then Charlie started making "Barfing Noises" and totally insists on barfing on my rug rather than the tile.

Would it be THAT HARD for her to barf on the tile?

I mean REALLY?

I jumped up, grabbed her collar and led her to the back door and told her to puke to her hearts content ...

Walking back to my desk I looked over at the table that my Willow Tree Nativity was sitting on and saw this:

Hmmmm ....

Now, you SAW the photos ...

Each and every hole was filled!

I wisely came to the conclusion that there was another box.

Brilliant, am I not? (yes, you guessed it, Yoda ...)

Thus began:

"The Great Box Hunt of 2013"

I went through all the trunks ...

Scratched my head and went through them all again. Some were full of crap I no longer put out and VOWED that I was going to pull it all out and stick it in the back of my car and go donate it.

For now - I just pulled all the crap out just to make sure that a rather large box was not hiding in that two inch space down there. Moved all the trunks ...

Well, MOST of the trunks closer to my "Public Staging Area"

That would be what the HUGE white arrows are pointing to ...

I gave up with a GIANT sigh of defeat.

I decided that when Gary got the trunks back down for me to put Christmas away - he forgot one.

It was the only explanation.

I had looked everywhere ...

Went back to my tutorial, but could not pay attention.

I hate NOT being done! So I thought about it, then thought about it some more ...

While the 'complete' set of the 'uncomplete' Nativity boxes sat there ...

So totally mocking me:

Then I decided to play a game -

I don't play it very often, but have noticed that it IS rather helpful in making me not look like a COMPLETE IDIOT - and since that happens all the time it is nice to have a mechanism for trying to thwart it at times.

The game is called:

"Let's Give Gary The Benefit Of The Doubt"

So I began by asking myself this riddle: "OK, so Gary has brought down all the trunks. The box is not in a trunk. Think of the most absolutely stupid place you can think of to put it."

I sat there for a minute and thought ... and then thought some more ...

Then got up and started going through boxes ...

And what do you know?

Some Complete and Total Idiot had hidden it in the Train Box - because - heavens knows we didn't have at least ten empty trunks to put it in ...

Sometimes I cannot believe how I live with myself ...

And it is a DOOZY!

One year when my Two Best Friends had decided that I would never get my Christmas put away unless they helped me - kindly came over and did just that.

When one of them got to this - one of my friends being WAY smarter than I am - after minutes and minutes of trying to figure out where the four stupid things went when there was like a hundred holes ...

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

The rest played by the rules:

One hole for each figurine and no more ...

What Freak Show decided to do this?

And why?

It is still part of the Willow Tree Set and I am HOPING the Disgruntled Elf that designed this Styrofoam Cut Out Nightmare has since died a horrible gruesome death or at least been fired ...

Yes, I am BITTER ...

But my friend was wonderful and marked where the Camel and the Shepherd went!

How totally cool and pretty much what any NORMAL person would have done years ago is that?

We ARE talking about me - and I must like to punish myself this much each and every year ...

Note the two sheep - I totally did not care where they went and put them in any damn hole that looked like it wouldn't crush them ...

all that much ...

YES!

DONE

OK, with just those nativities, but it was a HUGE leap in the right direction.

While working on this post early this morning ...

Yes, I have been playing with it all day - very, very productive ...

I noticed THIS photo:

Oh ...

Yeah ...

Today was supposed to be

"Fix-The-Coolest-Advent-Calendar-Shaped-Like-A-Tree-And-Put-It-Away-Day" ...

See those TOTALLY adorable wee bitty little ornaments? Even though this is from Noway and VERY well made, a few have started losing parts ...

Oh, so very sad ...

Just LOOK AT THEM!

How could you NOT just fall in love with this?

Totally cute and MINIATURE!!!

Something I might have mentioned that I am totally obsessed with ...

So, so sweet ....

Thus the

*shudder*

GLUE

and

*shudder*

TOOTHPICKS

and a baggie full of "Ornament Bitlets" ...

It is now only Nine in the evening ...

For someone that stays up until 2:00 or 3:00 or 6:00 in the morning, like all the time this is early ...

But there is that "UnChristmasing Tutelary Guy" and he has been rather quiet today ...

Well - since I have not been actively taking down Christmas I guess that sort of means that nothing spontaneously shattered or burst into flames or ran out the back door or was eaten by Charlie or was barfed up by Charlie ...

I could go on - but NOTHING has happened.

You know in those stupid horror flicks when it gets really, really quiet and creepy music starts to play?

Yeah, that is totally what is happening in my house ...

RIGHT NOW ...

So ... do I chance:

At the very least: a very ugly and most likely traumatic:

"Glue and Toothpick Disaster"

and

At the most: Most likely ... somehow ... without matches or a lighter totally burning down my house ...

Ahhhh ... but isn't she just SO CUTE?

And look at that Little Itty Bitty Bag underneath her!

If I get them all fixed

*starts hyperventilating*

I can bag all of the Baby Ornaments and put them away in their own personal little tree cubbie!!!!

Y'all - if ANY of you know of any:

"Addiction Recovery Programs for People Completely Obsessed With Little Itty Bitty Ziploc Bags"

could you send me the e-mail and/or phone number?

Cause I'm thinkin' I'm gonna need it ...

Off to TOTALLY show that glue who's the boss ....

23 January 2013

Lori -vs- "The UnChristmasing Tutelary" ...