My father e-mailed me today wanting permission to send me some photos to stitch in Photoshop (he does not really need my permission - he is just ... so nice). He said he had noticed that I had not been 'blogging' which generally meant that I was ill and wanted me to know that I could get to the photos when I got to them. I wrote him an e-mail back.
I am going to quote part of it, because I do seem to be in a 'blogging slump' and cannot even get the energy to type it up again:
"I'm not too bad ... just seem to be in a blogging slump. Some friends of ours from the other Ward had a serious car accident (the husband wasn't with them). She and all her children were on the way to pick up their oldest daughter on a mission (in Idaho, I believe) except her son that is on a mission. Included in the car were her, her 3 other daughters and her oldest son, who just returned home from a mission.
Two hundred miles outside of San Antonio, she swerved around some debris on the freeway, lost control of the car and hit a concrete pillar. The second to youngest daughter was pronounced dead at the scene, the youngest died in the hospital and the oldest (with her) has a brain injury and cracked vertebra - in very critical condition. She and her son had minor, or no injuries that anyone has mentioned. I am in a funk over it and decided not to spread it to my blog, I guess.
Send your photos, it will give me something to do other than checking on the latest status reports on Maegan (the daughter)."
So ... I guess I am 'spreading to my blog' ...
I have been thinking about losing a child and how absolutely mind-numbingly awful that would be.
Confused?
Have I lost a child?
No.
I have not.
I have lost a baby ... and there is a very big difference.
I was thinking about this at the same time this tragedy in the other Ward was unfolding, but not because of it. It was because of a beautiful photo of a beautiful blond haired teen whom I had grown to love as a baby and of HER loss.
I wrote the woman who posted it, since the beautiful blond haired teen's mother - a very good friend of mine and I have lost touch - which was an actual, very hard decision on my part - not wanting to cause her any more pain - so I wrote my new Facebook friend wanting to hear reassurances that my old friend is in a 'better' mental place now.
I hope it is true ....
And again - I realize that I don't have the energy to write the back story - thus I am copying and pasting the entire Facebook 'message' verbatim (OK, I took out the last name and added a bit of info in parentheses):
I saw your post on Courtney. After Gary got his masters degree we moved back to Logan for a time and built a house up on the 'shelf' and I was in Sue's ward.
We were in YW together and she would always bring Courtney into class the weeks I was teaching, which for teenage girls - babies? or lesson? It made me laugh - we became very close friends.
I remember when Courtney passed away (when she was in High School) and I called Sue. She had a friend over and said they were cleaning out Courtney's room ... she sounded so - normal. I assumed that she was doing much better than when I lost Rachael, and was happy for her.
Many years later, I was in Logan and wanted to get some photos of our old house and some photos of the Logan Temple from that angle and drove by her house and stopped out of impulse.
I cannot remember how long ago it was, but it was after we lived in Norway (2004 - 2006). I had completely forgotten that my mother-in-law had told me that she had twin boys. They were about 4 years old - so whenever that was.
We sat in her living room and talked. I remember our conversation will haunt me forever and I want you to tell me she is better now (if it true). She kept asking me and asking me how I could 'do it'? And I didn't understand her. She finally told me she meant go on living after losing a child.
I quickly told her I didn't have the answer she was looking for since I had never been through what she had. She insisted that I had and that I could give her some insight on the grieving process. I insisted back that I never 'knew' Rachael, laughed with her, was friends with her - apples and oranges. I did tell her that I really think moving to Norway did it for me. I said it was a peaceful time and things went from being a tragedy to a bittersweet memory during that time.
I mentioned that I knew that moving from my home helped. There were too many memories in too many places that I could not ignore when I was there. Too many ghosts ... I had nothing else for her. I told her I was completely OK with Rachael and that I knew that she would be OK one day also ...
But she was so ... haunted and looked so full of grief and I knew that it had been years. I think of her often and hope that she found the peace she was looking for.
I wish I could have told her something that would have helped, but as I said - she was asking the wrong person.
We don't keep in touch - I took her phone number, but felt as if I had failed her somehow, and in addition - I reminded her of a loss - thus maybe me calling her was not such a great idea ...
If you are close with her - will you tell her hello for me? If you know how she is, I would LOVE to hear. I think of her often and wished that things would have not turned out the way they did ...
... but I guess that is what we all wish, isn't it?
******
So, as I think about my old, beautiful friend - I hope that she did find the peace that she needed so desperately to find.
And as I think of our friends here - I cannot imagine going through what they are going to have to go through and coming out the other end sane ...
I really, really can't ...
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