So .... Today Was The Day ....

The day that I went back to see if those 15/20 vials of blood the Evil Phlebotomist took would show anything wrong with me. I was terrified that everything would be normal. It sent me back to the days '93 - '98 when I went from doctor to doctor to try to find out what was wrong with me. They would do a cursory exam and when they couldn't find anything - in their infinite godlike wisdom decided that it wasn't that they weren't testing the right things - it was me (the crazy lady pretending to be sick) and inevitably ALL of them would end up sending me to a psychiatrist - HUGE message that this was all in my head. After so many years I started to wonder if it was really true ....

But it didn't feel like it was in my head. I was horribly sick - so I tried everything - meditation, biofeedback, herbs, Altertinative medicine, Holistic medicine, ANYTHING to try and get better and feel like I did on that beautiful day in April, 1992 when things were great and wonderful and perfect .... until I started throwing up that night. Then nothing was ever the same again - still isn't the same. Sometimes I yearn for one more day like that Sunday - just ONE MORE DAY - pain free, illness free, nausea free. It is very safe to say that I have felt like I have had the flu since that April evening - every day - every single day since April of 1992. Sometimes it can become rather discouraging ...

But I digress - I was back to the serious fears that she would find nothing and shrug her shoulders and, well - NOT send me to a psychiatrist. I was lucky enough to find her - an immune specialist who worked with AIDS patients and ran different tests than all the doctors I had seen in the past - and those tests showed that my immune system was seriously messed up.

And sometimes that cannot be fixed.

When I met with her back in 1998 and she was going over the tests that she had ran and was gently informing me that my immune system was wonky and might not be 'fixable'. She didn't recommend I see a psychiatrist - she asked me what she could do to make my quality of life better.

All I could do was sob. She had validated me - made me feel like I was not 'psycho' or a 'hypochondriac' or that 'crazy lady pretending to be sick'. She knew that sometimes you cannot be fixed, but wanted to help in any way she could to make my life, well - more liveable. I am deeply grateful for finding her - but I was slipping back into my old fears. Wonder if she couldn't find anything wrong? What then?

Well - Gary and I had come up with a plan. He came with me and told me in no uncertain terms that if they couldn't find anything, he would press the doctor as to what were the next steps, what were we going to do about this - to fix this. Gary can be more persuasive than I and he said if that failed with her that we would find another doctor, and another until we figured out the problem. I feared I would be back to the "Great Doctor Hunt of the Nineties" and was SO not looking forward to that.

So with some trepidation we met her in her office this morning. She had pages and pages of lab results. I started getting nervous as she started through the list - a little anemic - but nothing that some good vitamins (if I would actually take them) would solve. The Lymes was there - lurking in the background - but not active - just floating around like a the time bomb it has been since I got it in 2000.

Then she hit the viruses. And, oh, my - I have never been more relieved to find out that I had a raging case of mono AND in addition - something I had never heard of before: HHV-6 - she said it was herpes, but not really herpes. Not sure what THAT means. But said that I should be feeling pretty sick.

No shit? Really?

She then hit different parts of the immune system. I was sort of proud that actual parts of it were ACTUALLY FUNCTIONING WITHIN NORMAL RANGE - Go Me!

But some things - were off and needed to be fixed if I were to become a semi-normal human being again. One was my ATP (adenosine triphosphate) level was quite low. ATP is often referred to as the "molecular unit of currency" of intracellular energy transfer. ATP transports chemical energy within cells for metabolism (remember from Biology - the Krebs cycle ... anyone? anyone?). Therefore - low ATP means low energy ...

No kidding?

So - all in all my immune system is pretty screwed up ... but we already knew that didn't we? What was new was that I have two raging virus rampaging throughout my body that must be stopped!

What does this mean for me?


Of course!!!


More pills .....



*sigh*

I really, really can't keep track of all of them now. I need to chart a schedule and get one of those funky pill dispensers for people over 80 ....


... sad, very sad.



BUT!!!!




IT'S NOT ALL IN MY HEAD!!!!




WHOOO HOOOOO!!!!