and all hell breaks loose.
Got a Census form to fill out in the mail months ago right before I left for Australia - and, well, I ignored it.
It filtered up from the huge BOX of mail I would go through when I would come home and never had the energy to fill it out. What's another family to the US government? They won't miss us ...
Until they came calling ... and Ryan answered. I got a message from him while I was in Australia that he tried to answer the questions and sort of got some of the stuff right. Gary's birthday he got right. He made me WAY older than I am and got my birthday wrong. Said maybe I should have filled out the freaking form ...
So - I have been steadfastly ignoring the fact that the US Census Bureau is stalking us (having LOST the form it seems ...) until I got a call on my phone last night - lit up: "US Census calling" so I ignored it .... twice. Twice they left messages.
So today - I decide to do the responsible thing and call them back.
VERY abbreviated run through of my conversation with the Bureau ... if you take every question and ask it two or three times and, as I say later, put me on hold between every question - you have a better idea of the 20 minutes I spent on the phone with 'Mi':
"Hello - this is 'Mi' how may I help you"
I give him my "I've been a naughty girl" reference number and he looks up our records.
"Is Gary there"
No he lives in Australia.
"When will he be home?"
He LIVES IN AUSTRALIA
"Well, if I call this number tomorrow, say after 6:00pm, could I speak with him"
Are you not understanding me? HE LIVES IN AUSTRALIA!!! HE HAS AN APARTMENT THERE, A CAR - HE LIVES THERE ...
"So he won't be available to speak to me tomorrow?"
No
....
Silence, I get put on hold (and for the sake of my sanity and this read - I was put on hold no less than 20 times - about between each question, but I am too lazy to write the "I apologize but may I put you on hold while I speak to my supervisor ... 'because I am a dumb shit'" comment over and over again ...)
"Are you sure I cannot speak to Gary this week?"
Seriously, dude - I don't know how to make this any clearer: HE LIVES IN AUSTRALIA, can I answer the questions?
"No, it must be Gary" (apparently to punish me for the fact that I didn't fill out the damn form - I mean - I don't think Gary needed to fill out the form - WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TALK TO HIM AND ONLY HIM?)
Can you tell me why?
"For confidentiality purposes"
Thanks for clearing that up.
"Ma'am?"
Never mind.
"So, is Gary moving home any time soon?"
Not really (I give him a random answer)
"Can I set up an appointment to speak to him next week?"
WHAT? Do you want to call Australia? I can give you his cell phone number, but right now he is currently in the jungles of Papua New Guniea (TOTALLY DID THAT OUT OF SPITE just to confuse the poor little man named Mi)
"What?"
Never mind, no he won't be here next week.
"When can I set up an appointment with Gary?"
I throw out the last day of the month months from now - who knows ... IT COULD HAPPEN Gary could actually be living here then ...
"OK, ma'am, I will make an appointment for xxx at 7:00pm to speak to Gary, will that work for you?"
It will work for ME ... (I don't know about Gary ....)
"Thank you for your time, and thank you for calling the US Census Bureau"
Hang Up....
Gary is SO going to kill me ...
3 comments:
you should have told him that gary resides in australia with his "other" family and burst into tears. i really think you have to prove you are stupid to work for the government or at doctor's offices!
That is hilarious - and pretty stupid. If anyone at the house (including Ryan who doesn't know birth dates) can fill out the forms, why does it matter who they talk to? I guess you are just lucky you didn't need anything from them - or you might STILL be on the phone.
That is so funny! I just kept laughing to myself all during the story. They must REALLY want to talk to Gary :)
Post a Comment