How to piss off an entire plane full of people, screw someone over royally, and come THIS close to punching someone in the face ... all in 20 hours...

It’s been a long 20 hours (I am currently on the Continental flight typing on my baby laptop) since first hailing a taxi to take me to the airport. I went early and Gary had given me a Quantas Executive Lounge pass for the airport First / Business Class Lounge so I hung out in there with free food, all the diet coke I could drink and free wireless network.

The flight from Australia to LA was nice (I had an aisle seat and that is apparently enough for me – OK, not really – refer to below). I was sitting by the sweetest kid – he was friendly, helpful and called me ‘darling’ throughout the entire flight.

Looking back on my first flight to Australia – I really, really had a hard time and went more than a wee bit nuts. Now that this 14 hour flight is getting to be routine, for survival I have discovered a weapon for my ‘mental health arsenal’:

The Personal In Flight Entertainment System

You have your own personal screen in the seat in front of you. And it has a huge menu of options:

-It contains about 6 categories of movies with from about 10 - 15 movies in some down to 5 of 6 in ones of the more obscure categories.
-It contains TV shows – there are about 10 – 12 categories (I especially like the documentaries) and 5 or 6 shows in each – some with 4 – 5 of a series.
-It contains a CD collection: albums in Pop, Rock, Alternative, Classical, Australian, Country and I think one more …. Maybe Jazz?
-It contains a set of games, but I have never delved into that category to know what it contains.
-It gives you a screen on how far you have traveled, time till arrival, current time at origin, current time at destination … and for some odd reason the temperature outside – around negative 56F – I guess so that we can ponder how long we think we can avoid hypothermia and death should a cabin door rip off … or …. something equally exciting.
-It has a couple more categories that elude me now.

So – I start a movie – and if it is interesting enough – 2 hours seem to go by in half the time. Listen to some new albums, relax – just seems faster.

So – when we were up in the air and my Entertainment Center was not fully functional – (It actually said “Currently Not Fully Functional”) I started to panic. I could feel ‘crazy’ setting in …

There were movies playing, but you couldn’t start them yourselves they were just playing randomly on channels, no start times, no name of the movie – pretty much just noise. Me not being a surfer DESPISE hitting on a movie in the middle and starting to watch – so not a good deal at all. I tried – I really did. I watched Angels and Demons since I had read the book so knew what was going on (if they didn’t butcher the book too much) and it looked like it had sort of just started.

After that, I checked to see if it was working correctly... no … still wasn’t. Full on panic – and we are only in hour three.

I then decided to take a ‘lap’ around the plane for something to do and calm me down and noticed that 2 of the 4 sections of the aircraft (very huge plane) had systems that were working – I could see people pulling up menus – which I could not.

PISSING OFF AN ENTIRE PLANE FULL OF PEOPLE:

So … the next time a steward came my way – I asked him about it. In the section I was in, people were making do all over the place – I could see movies playing – but all at the same place – with the menu – you are all starting your movie when you want so never all in sync. He said he would look into it.

Suddenly, all of the individual ‘TV’ screens went blank and a collective moan went up. I shrunk into my seat a little bit. Then the PA system comes on and it is announced that they are trying to fix a problem and have to reboot their Entertainment System and that they would not be getting back to where they were, they would need to start over, and it should take about 10 minutes.

The guy across the aisle from me glared right at me and I shrunk even lower. But … I needed my variety! I needed choices! I NEEDED THE BEINNING OF MOVIES! I needed the CD’s! I needed to know TO THE MINUTE how much time I had left on that freaking plane! People seemed PISSED! I don’t think all of them knew that there was more to the system than just movies randomly playing on channels.

I was really hoping this would work – that crazy thing … and now the guy next to me who heard me ‘telling’.

But, no worries, it booted correctly and I was able to watch and listen to whatever I wanted, when I wanted to, and got to see the beginnings! The crazy subsided and soon I was in the mindless, remote holding, TV ‘zone’.

ABANDONING MY NEIGHBOR BUDDY:

In the course of my conversations with my new friend, I: a) never bothered to ask his name and b) found out he was also flying to Houston on the same flight I was on, and then on to his birth place – Bogotá, Columbia. We noticed that the plane was getting in late – they had to go around some bad weather and I knew we were in trouble – our connection was tight – only 2 hours.

I know – 2 hours - sounds easy enough, but here is how it goes:

You are scum since you don’t have a Gold card like Gary thus picking close to the back of the plane so that you can board first (after the likes of Gold card carrying members like Gary, I mean) so that there will be room for your equipment roll on: two laptops, two cameras, hard drives – checking it because they ran out of overhead bin space is NOT an option. Thus, after landing – in the back of the plane, waiting for roughly 1000 people to deplane before you. Then you queue up for passport control – US Passports in one queue and everyone else in another. Once you are through that line of 1000 people that got off the plane in front of you, you have to collect your luggage – you are entering the country and you have to clear customs. So you wait for your luggage, take it and queue up behind all the lucky ones that got their bags before you – and go through customs... After that, you need to walk from terminal 4 to terminal 6 – roughly ¾ a mile. Then you queue up at the Continental check in line and check in - wait for the 200 or so in front of you and check in. Get your boarding pass and then head to the queue for security – which is nightmarish at LAX. It is right by an escalator and you generally have a good 200 people in front of you there – with the guys checking your id against your boarding pass being super thorough and super slow. Get your boarding pass stamped and up the escalator to the queue waiting to go through the security check (it sort of reminds me of Disneyland – they hide half the line upstairs …). After that – you make your way to the appropriate gate.

Two hours isn’t sounding so easy now, is it?

We were a half an hour late – giving us 1 hour and a half. I walked him through what he needed to do – twice - and then we parted at the Passport lanes – me having a US passport and him not.

It was the last time I saw him. I am worried – did I give him bad information? He was heading on to Bogotá – maybe he didn’t need to collect his bag. I have these visions of him still standing by the baggage carousel – waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel horrible.

I, on the other hand actually made it. Got clever and begged (and tipped) the curbside check in guys to check me in even though I didn’t have baggage – thus skipping one line. They were boarding when I got there, and he just isn’t here – I have walked the plane. I hope he makes it to Bogotá.

GONNA THROTTLE SOMEONE:

As I sit here on the flight to Houston typing, I am getting more and more annoyed. The lady across the aisle from me has a tolerance level of ZERO for the two children behind her. Their mother keeps shushing them, but they are just being kids. Twice now the lady across the aisle has slammed down her Elle magazine and physically turned all the way around in her seat and peered between the seats at them – peered is probably not exactly what she is doing. I want to throttle her. I am tired, achy, irritable, have a headache - and the kids are not really doing anything but, well … being kids. Things might just get ugly here in a bit.

I want to tell her she doesn’t know how bad it can be and to count her blessings. She could have been on our flight from Norway to New York (8 hour flight) when Jessie decided ½ hour in that she wanted to get off – and screamed ‘get off’ for approximately 7 and ½ hours. Or the time we were in Business Class moving over there – all business men and rich people – and us slumming – with a very loud handicapped daughter. Oh the glares we got! But odds are I am just going to lean over and belt her … hey I PISSED OFF AN ENTIRE PLANE … she’s nothing!


But soon I will be home and will get some rest and will stop bitching about everything. Problem is – right now … I’ve got nuthin’ but time ...