Why didn't they come today? Everything else did. Went to the mailbox, and sure enough, there were the familiar thick, plastic white envelopes filled with my mail order meds ... three months supply each.
I ripped open each bag, taking out its contents and setting it on my desk. I lined them up like ducks in a row ... one prescription was missing.
So, why didn't it come today?
I got on the computer and opened the e-mail that had merrily told me they were all on the way. Clicked on the tracking number for it and found out that it seems to be taking a detour through a North Houston Post Office. Clicked on a couple of the others and sure enough - the tracking was a straight shot to my mailbox and the status was "Delivered".
So, why didn't it come today?
You see, I had a plan. It was seductive, tantalizing - a siren whispering in my ear - like a soft, gentle tickle. Taking a three months supply of very heavy duty sleeping pills ... all at once ... would solve everything, she said. The sickness. The pain - especially the pain. The guilt. The being a burden to those around me. It was SO SIMPLE. SO EASY. She was rather driven in her quest, and made it sound oh SO tempting.
So, why didn't they come today?
Not to worry ... they will be here Monday .... Tuesday at the latest.
So, why didn't they come today?
Maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere knew that I just might feel a bit different about this whole situation by then. Maybe, I will have the strength to banish the temptress ...
But who knows?
Maybe not.
**** Disclaimer - while it may have been tantalizing and seductive and wonderful to dream about - I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO MY FAMILY. I WOULD NEVER LEAVE MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN. Suicide is a purely selfish act - so I will keep on .... keeping on. Whatever it takes.
I pray I don't have many days like today, though ...
And yet still I wonder: So, why didn't they come today?
4 comments:
Now I see why you are screaming inside. Please stay with us - you are so necessary to your son, to your husband, to your daughter. Not to mention brother, sisters, friends, family like me! Don't let that small voice inside be heard anymore - I'm praying for you.
Call your RS president or your visiting teachers. You need someone with you!!!!
We love you!!!!
Although it appears to be a selfish act, suicide is an act of desperation and cry for help. It's being in the greatest pain imaginable and not seeing a way out. Unfortunately some of my family members have been there...fortunately we were able to help them get past it. Although you recognize that this is a dream for you, don't give up on getting help.
1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255. Anonymous. Caring individuals who are trained to help.
Continued prayers coming your way!
They didn't arrive on purpose. Because you are much loved.
I'll pray you will continue to feel differently.
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