On the Seine

Pic of the Day:

Photo turned into a sketch. Then a textured overlay added and the blending mode changed to linear burn at 74%. To lighten the center, added a vector mask to the texture layer and 'painted out' 50% of the color in the center.

Original photo:

Bokeh

Pic of the day:

Flowers with artificial bokeh lights overlaid to make the background more interesting:

Pic of the Day ...

Round and round and round we go:

The Coliseum (modified with 'Percolator' app on iPad)

Crossroads

A few weeks ago ... and only two posts ago - I mentioned "crashing and burning" and that it was "spectacular". I guess, on looking back, that maybe I should have been a little more ... emphatic ... about this incident.

I had a lot of fears at the time: Jessie moving, Gary in Iraq, and other fears. I had a lot of guilt brewing. Add that to my ever-increasing-in-severity depression, being alone, and a vat full of pain, memories and just downright psychosis and ... ta-da! You have a recipe for disaster. To say I fell off a mental cliff is putting it very lightly.

I have changed.

I spent days after my mind seemed to shatter into a thousand million pieces just trying to breathe. Then the thinking began ...

I needed to fix me. I was broken. I was not sure how to begin or where to start.

I kept thinking.

I decided that a good idea would be to set up some sort of system where in this wouldn't happen again. Where I could start protecting me, my heart, my mental health. I began by coming up with a plan:

Lori's Scorched Earth Policy

Destroy everything, sever all ties to everyone (except for my family), no communications, no phone, no venturing out of the house, no blog, no Facebook, ... complete and utter desolate wasteland. This was my plan.

I might not have thought this policy through completely ...

I thought that by completely isolating myself - I wouldn't get hurt, there would be less fears, less worries, less pain ...

... but life does not work like that. Life isn't that simple.

So ... I have been rethinking my "Scorched Earth Policy". And ... what's done is done - bridges have been burned, entire communities razed, fields burned ... it's like an atom bomb went off in my head.

But ...

I have given it a little more thought - and thought that maybe this isn't the smartest thing for me. Sure, there are risks, but that just comes with breathing.

So ... I have decided that it is time to start rebuilding. And one of the things that I thought that I needed to give up for my mental health was my blog. But - I like writing ... it is therapeutic, and I used to enjoy it. 'Used to enjoy it'? Yeah. I literally don't know how to write on this blog anymore ... except to whine and that just HAS to stop.

I really have changed. But something tells me that if I work hard enough and long enough - that the old Lori might peek through every now and again.

So I am going to keep blogging - contrary to my last "Swan Song" post. Don't know what to write - and truly feel like I have nothing of any importance to say. But then again, did I ever?

So ... until I get my groove back ... or something back - I'm instating a new blog policy:


A Daily Photo.


No matter what. It just might help me start caring about my photography again too - a win-win for me. I don't know what it means for you ...

I guess that will start tomorrow since I am lying in bed typing this in on my iPad and it won't let me upload a photo.

Well, I guess that's it ... to recap: I'm nuts, I have cut myself off from the outside world and barricaded myself in my house in a very clumsy attempt to protect myself ... but I'm working on it.

Who knows ....

In a few weeks ....

I just might talk to a real person ....


Well ...



that's the goal.

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same.
I'm tired of playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap ..."

"Defying Gravity" from Wicked

Mantra, Moving, Messed up Monday ...

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine, breathe, breathe, breathe ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

Hmmmm ... not working.

Jessie moves into her Pretty Little House, with her Pretty Little Bedroom and her Pretty Little Bathroom today.

I remember writing about this previously and when I went to find it - I was stunned to find out that I wrote it back in January. So long ago, yet feels like yesterday. That I titled it: Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous, Ticked-off Times Ahead showed that I had a clue that things might get .... dicey.

I re-read the post this morning and skipping the first half about Charlie, pills and trying to get them in her ... there comes a section titled: Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous Times (and Tunes) Ahead. It is where I explain that Jessie might be moving to that Pretty Little House and how I felt about it.

I also mention that there might be some 'crashing and burning' involved. This morning I thought back to that January day when I wrote that ... so naive ... so optimistic ... so clueless!

That crashing and burning?


SPECTACULAR.


I write about trying to find a 'softer landing'.

I didn't.


I will go visit her in her new home and see things are fine some time this week.

I will find my way out of this dark place that I seemed to have found myself stuck in.


Hopefully before the weekend. This weekend is the MS150 and both Gary and Ryan are riding in it. I am the transportation. I did this last year and after dropping Gary off, I went on ahead to La Grange taking photos of the wildflowers as I went.

As I think ahead to this weekend it bothers me that I could care less if I take photos of wild flowers. Don't even know if I will take my cameras.

So ... here is hoping that Jessie's move was the right thing to do and I find my way out of this mess ...




... the wildflowers are waiting.

Ha Det Bra

That means 'goodbye' in Norwegian. I had put that on my blog - then deleted my blog last night. It gives you 90 days to 'un-delete' then it is gone forever.

In the dawning of a new day ... I guess I wasn't ready to say goodbye ...

Tiny Planets

Last night, as Gary peacefully drifted off to sleep - I started mentally going through my ever expanding checklist of 'things to do' in the wee hours of the night that will keep the monsters at bay.

Gary being home meant that the monsters weren't as persistant, but still there lurking about in the shadows. Gary being home also meant that comfortably watching Netflix was out. I have a set of headphones, but they are uncomfortable so not my first choice.

So - since 90% of my 'distractions' now have to do with my trusty new BFF - my iPad, I turned it on and started wandering through the apps. Nothing was jumping off the screen at me, so I went to the App Store! THE APP STORE! One of my favorite places! Where ON THIS PLANET can you buy something for under a dollar that can keep you entertained for hours ... or better yet - keep the monsters at bay?

Since I don't play computer games that throws out, by my estimation, AT LEAST 80% of all iPad apps in the App Store. Bummer. But - the 'genius' option is a lifesaver. It makes suggestions based on your previous purchases - so off I went to the Wizard himself. The Mighty One suggested something called 'Tiny Planets' and IT WAS FREE!

You can't go wrong with free.

So I uploaded it onto my iPad. It asked for a photo - which I gave it, and then it asked if I wanted to make a 'Tiny Planet' or a 'Tiny Tube' - I opted for the 'Tiny Planet' and was pleasantly surprised at the results!

It would take your photo and warp it into a globe. I quickly realized that some photos would be more amenable than others and grabbed one from my 'Paris' file:



And out popped the CUTEST LITTLE PLANET you ever did see!



I was hooked - so in went a Denmark photo:



ADORABLE!



I then decided I could add 'playing with new gadgets' to my nightly escapades and off to the computer I headed.

I had just days before received from my good friend Mr. Amazon an adapter / reader for the iPad. In one end you pop your SD camera card, and the other end plugged into the iPad's regular port. It lets you directly import photos from your camera card right onto the iPad. Clever, no?

So - I scoured my photo folders for photos that I thought would make excellent Tiny Planets. Plugged it into my iPad and imported them.

Then I went to town!


Brisbane:



Made into a Tiny Planet:



AND I decided to utilize option 'b' and made it into a Tiny Tube also.


It has a sort of 'Inception' feel to me ...



Sydney:








Brisbane at sunrise:







Boats in Cairns, Australia made for a very 'pointy' planet:





Fireworks celebrated the birth of this new planet:





More boats - cuter planet:





Texas wanted to play - so Planet Bluebonnet was created:





Sydney at night was fun:







Texas at sunrise:





And just for fun since it is not a planet - my family watching a bunch of lazy seals:






And, did I mention?

IT'S FREE!

Oh, and it does not make the frames - that was me wasting time today.


Packed it in at 7:00am - excited to show Gary, that while he slumbered - I created worlds aplenty, my own little psychotic universe ...

Heebie-Jeebie Alert ...

Just sayin' ...

Gary went to throw Frisbee for the freak show and came back in saying that there was a cute baby snake on the sidewalk.

Of course I immediately grabbed my camera and went out in my jammies and started snapping away:

Adorable, yes?

As Per My Promise to Gary ...

I have received a coupled of e-mails concerning my well being (OK, I received one and Gary received one ...). Thank you for your concern - I have felt very, very isolated for the past two weeks and your concern was appreciated.

.

Gary DEMANDED that I blog today. A brave man, since last time it turned into a whiny mini-rant ...

.

So - here's an update:

.

The doors are still locked.

.

The windows are still shuttered.

.

The phones are still turned off.

.

But I am hanging in there!

.

I should not admit this, but what are blogs for? Since Gary left I have left my home a total of three times - a Dr. appointment, to go visit Jessie, and Jessie's dismissal meeting. Other than that - I have rarely come out of my bedroom. I know it does not look good, but I have been doing a lot if thinking.

.

One thing that happened is I had an epiphany of sorts about my blog. As pertaining to the blog - what am I doing? Who cares about my life and what I have to say? Seriously? All of a sudden I was feeling very ashamed at being so vain and narcissistic - and, well stupid. I have sort of lost the taste for blogging.

.

I can see who looks at my blog - and every now and then, these past two weeks I have looked at the report. Some of you day after day would check to see if I had blogged and it made me feel ... loved, but I felt bad because of my inability to write anything of worth anymore. It was very kind of you to check on me (and you know who you are) it made me feel very good and I want to say thank you for your concern - but I am fine.

.

I have to admit that I did a lot of staring at the fan, and the combo of my husband being in Iraq and my daughter a) flipping out and b) moving have probably exacerbated my situation and that this is very unusual for me - especially for the length of time it has gone on.

.

It has given me a chance to dust off my 'coping' skills from way back in another life when I was in trouble mentally and all alone. Tricks, things to do to not sink deeper into ... what? Depression? Despair? Loneliness? What ever it is - it is getting better. One trick: One evening feeling very alone and desperate - I downloaded the Netflix app onto my iPad.

.

And, oh my goodness! This non-television watching person has become an addict! So I have upgraded my situation from staring at the fan circling to obsessively watching old Law & Order's.

.

It has done wonders for my mental health. Nothing like mindless trash to block out all obsessive thoughts about husbands in danger and my fitness as a mother ...

.

So, see? Everything is going to be OK! I have literally YEARS of Law & Order series to keep me company through the worst of the worst.

.

Gary will be home on Friday and that wont hurt either! In fact - just having him home should snap me out of it. Having a human to speak to should make a difference ... I am counting on it!

.

So - everyone ... I am good.

.

Not great - but doing rather well and convinced that this will all be over soon.

.

.

.

.

I can feel it in my bones.

(Sorry about the '.'s and the empty lines - my formatting refuses to work ... maybe it is a sign to quit ...)

Sandstorm in Iraq

Gary took this pic with his Blackberry of a sandstorm hitting the compound he is at in Iraq:

He said that everything after was covered in a layer of dust and that he was probably having dirt for dinner.


When asked what it is like he said:

"It is like Scout Camp, but the counselors are wearing full body armor and carrying guns."

Probably not what he had in mind ...

Gary is currently at 32,000 feet (or thereabouts) on his way to Dubai. That is his jumping off point into Iraq. He will be gone eleven days.


Eleven days.


Not that I am counting or anything ...


As he left this morning and gave me a hug and a kiss, he told me I had to blog daily so he would know how I was doing.




Seriously?



Really?



You want me to blog right now?




Ok.



Yesterday we had Jessie per our usual Sunday schedule. To make a horrific, heartbreaking, horrible long story short - Jessie proceeded to shatter my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I will ever be able to find them all and get it put back together again ...

Sometimes a mothers love is just too much to bear ... especially when you are lost in the deepest and darkest parts of shadowland.

So - I have a plan:

I have locked the doors.


I have shuttered the windows.


I have turned off the phones.


And I am going to try every trick in my book to find my way out of this mess ...


Until then ....




Over and Out.

Dantes Third Level of Hell

I am sure it comes as no surprise to anyone reading my blog that I have been trapped in shadowland for some time now. Can't really even remember when I actually fell down the rabbit hole ...

It's not like I haven't tried to find my way out - self help, doctors, pharmaceuticals - but ... here I wander ... wondering when I will see blue skies again. I realized this morning what I miss the most:


Joy


There is no joy in shadowland. No getting excited about photography, my photography books, my family, new gizmos - I got a new iPad 2 the other day and I just stare at it wondering why I have it.


I miss joy.


I want it back.


Yesterday I found out that shadowland has levels.

Who knew?

Somehow I fell down another hole


- one that I would rather not slip into again. A darker, more sinister level. Didn't see Cerberus - maybe next time I will have that pleasure ...

I found out yesterday what serious depression was like as I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling fan spin - for hours. No emotion, no movement, just a screaming in my head to get up and DO SOMETHING! And I couldn't. I just lie there staring at nothing hour after hour after hour - alternating between the screaming to get up and do something and having my mind completely and utterly blank ... I don't know which one I found more disturbing.

Ryan is home for spring break and can tell something is wrong. Yesterday he kept bringing me Sonic drinks (that I couldn't be bothered to drink) and asking if everything was OK, I tell him that I am fine - but he has not seen me out of bed since he arrived ...

Gary came home to find me this way and had told me about his trip to Iraq was going to maybe be longer than he thought. He leaves next Monday and instead of returning the following Monday it would be until the Friday after that. Tears dribbled from my eyes as he said he was worried about me and that he could postpone the trip. I told him not to, that I would be fine.

I was impressed


the tears ...


it was the first bit of emotion that I had encountered in about 24 hours. It felt monumental.

I will be fine while he is gone. At least the guilt isn't there - it is sort of like the tree falling in the woods. If you are a shitty homemaker, wife, person, mother and no one is there to see it, is it really true?

I woke up this morning speaking in complete sentences. That was a good sign - yesterday all I could muster was one word replies or nothing at all. So maybe I have found my way back to my familiar shadowland - I would be happy about that if I could muster up the energy to be happy about anything - but I do feel a titch of relief


that counts ...


right?

In the mood for flowers ...

Woke up to rain this morning. It cleared up, but still felt gloomy to me.

I spent some time getting hotel reservations and airline tickets for our summer vacation for a family reunion with my family. We are headed to Island Park near Yellowstone and everyone should be safe from my craziness since Gary and I will be staying in a separate cabin. So "Yay's" all round!

I was pining away for flower photos today and wishing I was on a Texas Spring Flower Trip when I remembered the cutest little set of cabins up by Yellowstone also. So I decided in honor of my summer trip plans being done ... I could play with the flower photos from the cute Bed and Breakfast like place right next to Mormon Row.

Mormon Row is smack dab in the middle of the most picturesque place in Wyoming.

With the Tetons as their backdrop:

You will find multiple old buildings - including a couple of barns:

The place is teeming with bison - and we were stupid enough to get this close to photograph them (note Gary on the opposite side taking photos also):

But right across the road is the cutest set of cabins - with beautiful surrounds.

I spent some time taking photos there - and it should give me my flower fix until I find some in the hill country around these here parts:

The next two days Gary and I are attending a financial planning class for Exxonmobil employees who are nearing retirement.

Something tells me that it is not going to have many photo ops ...

A Cure for Nightmares

I dream.


A lot.


Every night my subconscious goes bananas and I find myself in all sorts of predicaments. Creepy, scary, uncomfortable predicaments.

Is it me?


Or is this normal?

Maybe other people dream of rainbows and unicorns - but my dreams are significantly ... well ... darker. I don't know why. This probably says something about me.

Something not very flattering.

Sometimes they get so bad, I decide that staying up all night is preferable. This has its down sides.

Sleep deprivation makes me stupid.

Kindle now has software that lets you read your Kindle books on a computer, an iTouch, an iPad ... pretty much on any electronic device you own. It also has this cool feature that when you switch from one electronic gizmo to another - it automatically syncs you to where you were last reading - so no searching for your spot.

I have been reading lately.


A lot.


I have been worried lately.


A lot.


This has lead to some unpleasant dreams. Frantic, disturbing, sad dreams.

I used to get up and head to the computer when I decided that sleep was eluding me, or that I was avoiding sleep. Now - I grab my trusty iTouch with its backlit screen and open my current book, and just read. Since I don't need to turn on any lights to do this, Gary is not bothered and I don't get lectured for this ... like I sort of do when he finds me in front of the computer at four in the morning.


I read through the night.


I have been doing this for two weeks now and I have noticed that the nightmares have stopped!


I read ... I see one o'clock roll around ... read some more ... two o'clock ... read some more and discover that ... hmmmm that wasn't in the book. I have dropped off to sleep - but my subconscious makes up 'the rest of the story' and my mind continues on without me.

I start reading again upon waking. Four o'clock rolls around ... read some more ... five o'clock ... and off on more bizarre adventures with the characters from my book!

Granted ... I am not getting much sleep - but, OH! What fun I am having.

I am not sure how much sleep I am getting, but some. I have not crashed and burned from lack of sleep, and I don't feel stupid ... but that just might be me ...

So - I am headed to bed. And since I finished my last book a few hours ago - get to go perusing through my Kindle library of about 20 books that I have waiting for me to read.

I am pretty sure it is not going to be that Stephen King novel ...

Yee Haw!!

Had a surprisingly wonderful time tonight. It was through Gary's work and I was not sure how uncomfortable I would be surrounded by strangers - but it was nice and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. Unusual - for me ...

I don't believe I have ever been to the Reliant Stadium:

The rodeo was not bad ... being a rodeo and all ...



I did enjoy the mad scramble for kids to catch (? wrangle ?) a calf:

There was also a grundle of little 5 - 6 year olds that would be placed on top of a lamb and hold on for dear life as it started running. The goal was to stay on as long as possible. I forget what it was called, but was a hoot - although it did look dangerous as when they fell off the running animal, they were trampled more often than not. I am assuming their parents approved of this activity ... one more thing I don't get about rodeos ...

The concert was after and the entertainment was Lady Antebellum. I took this photo with my iTouch just to see how it would do - so the photo is a bit grainy:

We then snuck out 15 minutes early to be in front of the other 75,000 people in attendance. I snapped a shot of the carnival as we were headed back to the car:

The dinner was nice before the rodeo started. We were in a private section with a room in the back where the food and unlimited drinks were available for the entirety. It made things extra nice!

I think that is the first time I have been to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and can honestly say that I wouldn't mind going again. Still ...

... so not gonna wear a cowboy hat!