Crossroads

A few weeks ago ... and only two posts ago - I mentioned "crashing and burning" and that it was "spectacular". I guess, on looking back, that maybe I should have been a little more ... emphatic ... about this incident.

I had a lot of fears at the time: Jessie moving, Gary in Iraq, and other fears. I had a lot of guilt brewing. Add that to my ever-increasing-in-severity depression, being alone, and a vat full of pain, memories and just downright psychosis and ... ta-da! You have a recipe for disaster. To say I fell off a mental cliff is putting it very lightly.

I have changed.

I spent days after my mind seemed to shatter into a thousand million pieces just trying to breathe. Then the thinking began ...

I needed to fix me. I was broken. I was not sure how to begin or where to start.

I kept thinking.

I decided that a good idea would be to set up some sort of system where in this wouldn't happen again. Where I could start protecting me, my heart, my mental health. I began by coming up with a plan:

Lori's Scorched Earth Policy

Destroy everything, sever all ties to everyone (except for my family), no communications, no phone, no venturing out of the house, no blog, no Facebook, ... complete and utter desolate wasteland. This was my plan.

I might not have thought this policy through completely ...

I thought that by completely isolating myself - I wouldn't get hurt, there would be less fears, less worries, less pain ...

... but life does not work like that. Life isn't that simple.

So ... I have been rethinking my "Scorched Earth Policy". And ... what's done is done - bridges have been burned, entire communities razed, fields burned ... it's like an atom bomb went off in my head.

But ...

I have given it a little more thought - and thought that maybe this isn't the smartest thing for me. Sure, there are risks, but that just comes with breathing.

So ... I have decided that it is time to start rebuilding. And one of the things that I thought that I needed to give up for my mental health was my blog. But - I like writing ... it is therapeutic, and I used to enjoy it. 'Used to enjoy it'? Yeah. I literally don't know how to write on this blog anymore ... except to whine and that just HAS to stop.

I really have changed. But something tells me that if I work hard enough and long enough - that the old Lori might peek through every now and again.

So I am going to keep blogging - contrary to my last "Swan Song" post. Don't know what to write - and truly feel like I have nothing of any importance to say. But then again, did I ever?

So ... until I get my groove back ... or something back - I'm instating a new blog policy:


A Daily Photo.


No matter what. It just might help me start caring about my photography again too - a win-win for me. I don't know what it means for you ...

I guess that will start tomorrow since I am lying in bed typing this in on my iPad and it won't let me upload a photo.

Well, I guess that's it ... to recap: I'm nuts, I have cut myself off from the outside world and barricaded myself in my house in a very clumsy attempt to protect myself ... but I'm working on it.

Who knows ....

In a few weeks ....

I just might talk to a real person ....


Well ...



that's the goal.