The Emergency That Apparently Wasn't ...

As some of you might have noticed, I was in the Emergency Room - YET AGAIN - last night annoying Facebook readers by wondering out loud why it was that I always end up in the ER on a weekend and whining about the two botched lab draws and other things y'all neither cared about or wanted to hear.

I thought an update was probably in order - if for nothing else - to let you all know that I am no longer there. But as it is moi, yours truly, "The Girl Who Cannot Write a One Paragraph Blog Post To Save Her Life" there is still more to come!

I know, I know - PLEASE try and contain your excitement ...

Gary and I left my "Home Away From Home" at about 4:00am this morning. We were tired and frustrated and I was HURTING! We had quite a bit of a wait, but I eventually had a CT Scan and an Ultrasound. Then more waiting.

When the doctor came in and said that they were unable to find anything wrong I was completely dumbfounded - not to mention feeling like a loser spazoid crazy jerk ...

Now - I am sure there are all kinds of pains that are "All In Your Head" - so let me just say right here:


MY PAIN WAS NOT ONE OF THESE ....


Gary and I agree (using our VAST collective medical knowledge to come up with this diagnosis ...) that I most likely HAD a kidney stone - but it had passed BEFORE the tests were done. One strong argument for this (regardless of our lack of Medical Degrees) is that once you actually pass a kidney stone?


YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FORGET HOW IT FELT.


Like as in : Never


Ever


You just wait and see ... in a million years I will still be whining about "The Great Kidney Stone Passing of 2013" and I will still be as freaked out over how painful it was then as I am now.

Kidney Stones are funny that way - and I am not talking about belly laughs and giggles. They are "Funny" in the way that some teensy tiny crystals wandering down your ureter can be so painful it trumps pushing a bowling ball out of your vagina and can easily lead one to start begging random strangers to kill them ....

THAT kind of Funny Ha-Ha ...

And funny thing - after the Doctor tells me that they cannot find a single thing that could be causing my pain ...


IT DID NOT GO AWAY!


Huh ...



Weird ...


It did however morph a bit and become a titch more severe if that was even possible. It had started on the right hand side in my lower back. It progressed as the other "Kidney Stone Passing Parties" had - from its infancy where it feels like - for no reason whatsoever - you seem to have a 'stitch in your side' and progresses from there following a specific schedule of low levels of pain alternating with debilitating waves of horrific pain. Sort of feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing you in your lower back with a red hot, very dull, blunt knife (we wouldn't want it to slide in easily, now would we?).


Fun times people .... FUN TIMES ...


So - after we leave the hospital and the pain is still just as bad as if it had been a 'real' kidney stone - I noticed that the pain was a little different than before. I remembered back to my wimpy 'Trying To Get Through The Pain' and remembered that I had been contracting every muscle in my body so severely that my back would hyperextend and I would end up with my body clenched so tight that half of it was not even touching the bed. I would have to force myself to relax and try to lower myself back into a prone position where all my body parts were in contact with the bed.

Why was I being a "Clenching Fool?" Hell, I DON'T KNOW! It is not like there is a users manual for this - OK, I am sure there are plenty of Books out there on the subject, but 'Proper Form and Posture' are probably not listed in any of them. It just seemed to happen and I noticed that I moaned much less with "Lock-Jaw". And, let's face it - moaning is just wimpy, annoying and in bad form all round so anything that helps to keep these annoying little noises from passing my lips - I say USE IT!

Also - nurses RARELY buy my "I'm sorry, but I have 'Situational Tourette's' and can't help myself." excuse anymore when something passes my lips that is a wee bit louder, a wee bit longer and a wee bit nastier than a moan ...


Hmmmmm, but I digress ....


After flashing on my problem with clenching all my muscles - I started wondering if all this pain was stiff muscles? Thing is ... it didn't / doesn't feel like stiff muscles. What it DOES feel like - a lot - is my arm the day it got so bad that I couldn't sleep and the Doctors finally did a CT Scan to see what was going on.

The really crappy thing about this is that they DID find something: torn ligaments, torn muscles and a torn rotator cuff - all requiring a surgical repair once I am off blood thinners and won't tend to bleed to death when someone cuts into me.

And for my abdomen and back to feel LIKE THIS? OK, it either feels like torn muscles ... or my appendix is on the verge of exploding ...

Currently I am running on fumes - no food, no sleep for two days, and well over 24 hours of severe debilitating pain that seems to wear you down, suck the life right out of you, same goes for joy, happiness, peace, energy, appetite ... etc, etc, etc and makes you crazy stupid ...

But even in this (somewhat) altered state I am in, I can see that my scenarios above for the cause of this pain are not exactly ideal situations to plonk my decrepit body into right now - thus I am going to ignore it and go about my days as if everything is going swimmingly - because if you act that way - surely - by some sort of wizardry or witchcraft (Dang! I am always getting my "W" words mixed up ...) it really, really will happen! Really! I read it on Wikipedia so IT MUST BE TRUE!


There has been one (real) bright spot today! After realizing that the pain seemed to have become a bit worse - rather than better (Odd, really, since there seems to be nothing causing this) I started to feel rather desperate. Unable to stand the pain and not knowing what to do - I reached for the disgusting Goo I was supposed to be smearing on my foot. It didn't seem to work and it was so gross, I had basically forgotten all about it.

I discovered that if I had Gary smeared me up with a boatload of the Goo for my foot - covering all of my back, side and abdomen in the area of the pain then lay in bed, not moving a muscle with ice packs on both my back and abdomen - with piles of pillows holding things in place - things were almost tolerable!

I wish the Goo was a bit more like a substance that did not remind me of snot ... It takes its sweet time drying, so you must cover it with something. When it does finally dry - what ever was covering it is pretty much petrified to the skin and feels ever so wonderful when you start trying to peel it off. But I gotta admit - as disgusting as it is to peel off my undies from my torso - that Goo is filled with pain relievers, muscle relaxants and anesthetics. And for at least ten wonderfully beautiful peaceful minutes - I don't feel hardly any pain at all!


I will take it!


It's just too bad I don't have enough to fill my bathtub ...