"TMI" Friday ...

Let me start out by saying that if I tried to describe this week, most of the words would be negative. It was probably in part me having a 'the glass is half empty' type attitude. I believe THAT started approximately 30 minutes after starting to try to shove a 1 inch needle into my thigh on Monday and having to give up, labeling myself a complete failure. Since that was Monday it piled onto the residual feelings from Sunday. Sunday, if you recall was Mother's Day and is my LEAST favorite day of the year. I will NEVER be mistaken for a good mother and the day leaves me feeling like a complete an total failure, thus a theme began to emerge and the 'piling on' effect had begun ...

That being said - I will try, after I TOTALLY try to disgust you, to list some good things that happened this week - to sort of balance out my bizarre, crappy (totally self-centered) universe ... deal?

And on the disgusting things:


***WARNING***


VOMITING will be discussed in this post ad nauseam (heh heh). So if you cannot 'stomach' barf discussions - this post is not for you! You may be dismissed or you may skip down to this 'list' that I am supposed to be making at the end - it will not hurt my feelings in the least. Some of us can talk about barf, dirty diapers, toe fungus, maggots and whatnot all the while eating lunch and others ... well, they are just wimps ...

Also - that being said? The title: "TMI Friday" - a couple of words about that:

1) For anyone who might not know what TMI stands for - it is 'Too Much Information' - for example: Say an acquaintance of yours at work tells you she is pregnant. 'Congrats!' You say. Then she begins discussing non-husbands, hotels, techniques, positions ... at this point it is perfectly acceptable to shout out "TMI" and not be labeled a person with Tourette's ... My TMI is rather tame - if you are not easily disgusted by non-cheating, more biological / medical sorts of information.

2) A pre-warning of sorts - this SERIOUSLY got out of hand - lengthwise. I really have no idea how this happened. One minute it was 11:00am on a Friday morning and I was all - "I think I want to share my totally disgusting morning with all my friends ..." and the next thing you know, it is 4:13AM Saturday morning and you find yourself typing this warning mentioning that a) It has become a mini-novel about absolutely nothing - so you have been forewarned that if you keep reading this crap - you are pretty much wasting your time and b) I was not lying about the TMI 'Friday' part - it was Friday when I started it ...

3) At 4:15AM on a Saturday morning totally jazzed from drinking gallons of Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light - I think I would like to start a movement wherein EVERY person who blogs MUST have a TMI Friday at least once a month. Whaddaya think?

4) I will shut up about the TMI part and get started ...



Maybe the FIRST thing on my list of good things that happened this week is that I ran errands today! Yes ...

I. RAN. ERRANDS.

All by myself!

As opposed to rolling out of bed and forcing myself to go do ... something - but that 'something' for about 6 months has been one thing. Only one. It was all I could physically and mentally deal with. Now, there might have been a few exceptions to the rule, but trust me - they were spur of the moment type things. I never ran to Kroger's for a gallon of milk and on the way home, decide to go get my hair colored - something I have been trying to work up to for 1 and 1/2 years. The trouble is, I have oozing sores on my scalp that just won’t heal. Oh, lookie here - starting right out with the Disgusting Things! That I have had them non-stop for a year and a half should probably be 'worrying', but there is no room on that list - thus it just stays on the 'bothersome' list –and have stayed away from the hair salon since I really don't feel like that crap they put on your hair would feel all that great on open, raw sores. I forget ... what comes after boils? Locusts? I'm pretty sure I have covered 'plague' but I WILL NOT be surprised if one day I wake up to a house full of insects ... just sayin'). Ooops - there is that negativity creeping up on me again. If I did more than two things on an outing - it would be like heading to Kroger's for a gallon of milk and accidentally running over a cat on the way home. Big difference...

But today I HAD PLANS!! I had a LIST! Got in the car drove to Walgreens and picked up prescriptions - walking into the store since I needed a few other things - not going through the drive through. That – just that right there, normally would have wiped me out and I would be headed back home with dreams of my bed - front and center in my brain. Went to the bank and deposited a check (OK, drive through here). Got gas – I even cleaned my filthy back window (and now I have those cool dirty vertical stripes on the white paint under the window). Finally, I parked and headed into Kroger's. This is MONUMENTAL for me - which should be seriously embarrassing to admit, but apparently I have no shame anymore ...

I was dying of thirst - one of my medications makes me thirsty and I believe that I took my bucket full of meds before I started out. Since I got a bit wonky ... right about here in my story ... I don't remember, but I am pretty sure I did. Still thinking I need one of those pill reminders for the eighty-plus crowd, but haven't found one big enough to fit all my pills. So sad ... very, very sad. There is a Starbucks inside the store and is the first thing you hit - along with all the flowers. I headed over and said that I didn't drink coffee, but did they have anything else? She said they had tea. I told her that I did not drink tea either and she was starting to look rather annoyed. She said that was it, other than the smoothies. So I bought a Strawberry Banana Smoothie. As I was paying I noticed that in the refrigerated section right below the pastries was bottled water. Seriously? OK, in all fairness, it was staring me in the face - but she said the ONLY other thing they had was smoothies and I took her word for it. Took my smoothie and hoped it would not taste too horrible.

More negativity? No - just fact. I hate bananas. Actually - I have read a LOT of literature that says that I am allergic to bananas. I don't go into shock - and they mention that is rare - but vomiting after eating a banana apparently is a sign that you are allergic. My Mom said I did this as a baby - so it isn't something new - I have always thought that they were the most disgusting, slimy, awful tasting fruit in the entire universe (although I am sure I have not sampled every fruit in the universe - so just speculation). As a newly married couple - Gary, a HUGE banana lover would not believe it when I told him if I eat bananas I throw up. He thinks they are magical and I guess in an attempt to convert me to the Church of the Holy Banana, he got a banana, chased me around the apartment, and the next thing I know I am on the floor, flat on my back with Gary straddling me making me take a bite and eat it. He was not being mean, I remember we were both laughing ... OK, Gary was doing most of the laughing and I was doing more yelling than laughing. Oddly enough, after I threw up on him, I seemed to be doing most of the laughing and Gary was doing most of the yelling. He hasn't tried to introduce me to a new food again - the man CAN be taught.

That being said - I don't throw up stuff with baked bananas in them, just raw bananas. Lately, though, I have noticed that some of the health drinks I get have bananas in them and I can sort of taste them, but not much so I have become used to having some raw banana when it is in some pureed form. Took my smoothie and downed half of it right there since I was so thirsty. After coming up for air, I realized that it was super banana-ey - with CHUNKS - eeek! Still dying of thirst, I finished it and continued my shopping, which was different than my normal shopping. I mentally (when really ill or really depressed) cannot bear shopping, but can get by if I have a list and go in, get just those items and get out. Today I told myself with Ryan home, I would go up and down each aisle and see if things were triggered in my brain.

Did that and when I hit the water aisle grabbed a huge bottle of water and started chugging that down also. Finished my shopping, took a quick look at my list of things I actually needed - had them all and off to the check out. While checking out, I started sweating and feeling downright crappy. By the time I had paid I was feeling REALLY crappy and nauseous. Got to my car and got everything in, but knew I was in trouble - I was going to throw up.

Now, I have quite a lot of experience in this area - you could say that I am a "Barf Expert". I generally have quite a bit of control over when and where I am going to vomit. I can fight and hold it in until I hit a sink (sorry folks, my head DOES NOT belong in, over or anywhere near a toilet - I clean up after myself rather thoroughly). This works for me about 98% of the time - I know that I can hold it in, but cannot talk, make any sudden movements and a plethora of other things - but it works for me and has saved me from many embarrassing moments. Today I realized that it was that pesky 2% and there were people milling about. Now, I must say that I have actually spewed in front of people, in front of a crowd of people and one time - actually during a blessing I was getting. Hit both my father and the other gentleman who was over to help give me the blessing. I was trying (unsuccessfully) to keep it in the bowl that I was holding. So - in the middle of the prayer - I jumped up and tried to run to the sink, but since I was still vomiting and the floor was tiled I slipped and fell into my own vomit. Yes - this was a rather low point in my long and colorful vomiting history. The gentleman and my father cleaned up a bit while my mother tried to clean up the floor, me and the bowl that I was now sobbing into. Then we started again. I remember when it was over and the rather rattled gentleman was taking his leave and had shook hands with my mother and my father, I told him that I would understand if he did not want to shake my hand ...

Fun times folks, fun times ...


*** I WARNED YOU! ***


So - not wanting to just spew in front of the few people and the guy collecting carts – who had just taken mine, I jumped in the car and slammed the door.

Yes, I understand this seems absurd - but I am nothing if not prepared for barfing - in all situations. In the storage bin between the two front seats of my Tahoe, I store gallon freezer (thicker and stronger) zip-loc bags with some paper towels in them. Why the paper towels, you ask? Cause a bag of barf is really, really not a pretty sight and can sort of be disguised with a wad of paper towels. These are the little things that you just don’t think about until you are wandering around the parking lot carrying that bag-o-barf with people staring at you and your bag – and seeing the minute they realize what you have – curiosity to horrified with a bit of green in the face in less than half a second!

I sat down and before I could even turn and start opening up the bin - I PROJECTILE VOMITED all over the entire dashboard of my beautiful Tahoe. I literally hit everything you can see in this photo – you know, with that 'after splash effect' and all.

*** I WARNED YOU! ***


Got the bag out and, well - you can figure out the rest. Dang, dang smoothie! As I said - there were chunks of banana in it. I had not eaten anything that morning, so aside from the fact that the actual smoothie caused me to barf - I now had disgusting pink banana chunks evenly spread throughout my dashboard and side windows. I was HORRIFIED! While my car is always free of clutter of any sort, I rarely (aka never) wash my car or clean the interior. Generally Gary gets so disgusted with it he takes pity on me and washes it. When he washes it, I believe he wipes down the interior. If he doesn’t, that means that aside from a few swipes from a wet wipe or two, it has NEVER been cleaned since he and Ryan went and bought it while we were still living in the Residence Inn after moving home from Norway in July of 2006.

Drove home, called up to Ryan to come down and bring in the groceries while I got out a bucket of soapy water, washcloths, brushes, Windex, paper towels and MOST handy: paper wrapped straws. They were excellent for those hard to reach places(ie the vents, yes people – I puked in the vents of my car. Well, actually that sounds like I was aiming – think ‘projectile’ of the projectile vomiting phrase. I generally do not actually ‘Projectile Vomit’ – very rare for me - but when I do – like today – I am really, really good at it …) So – the straws awesomeness cleaning up barf in hard to reach places: after inserting the unwrapped straw into a vent the paper on it absorbed ... the liquid and chunks would stick to it. Disgusting, but perfect, is it not?

I've got to say - puking with great gusto is probably not the best way to ensure a good detailing of a vehicles dashboard - but it is a GREAT motivator ... I can clean - although I am too lazy to do so now days - I used to be a SUPER cleaner. It is sort of like riding a bike – and it all came back to me …

I wiped down the dashboard, the windows, and everything else in the barf-zone. I used my unwrapped straws, I used a brush and a toothbrush, I wiped again, and again and again until I could not SEE a single piece of evidence of my mornings activities. I have declared my dashboard and surrounds puke-free, but I need to wait until tomorrow to get the 'final' test results and then there will be no doubt about it ...

Just as in the perpetually perplexing puzzle of pee in the keyboard - the puzzle being that not knowing that there WAS pee in the keyboard – everything is all fine and dandy until the computer is turned on and the keyboard starts to heat up (I don’t think that keyboards actually heat up - thus probably an urban myth ... but entertaining in a rather disgusting way). The keyboard heats up and things start smelling ... well, funky – and not in a good way.

Same goes for me. *sigh* I will have to get in the car, let it heat up a bit, maybe sit it out in the sun (it currently is sleeping in Gary's 'shop') ... then turn on the air conditioner and fervently hope that I am not pelted with tiny pink dried banana bitlets.

Or, maybe I WANT to be pelted, yes? Then I would know that they are no longer lurking in my cars vents. Because - seriously?


These types of things are EXACTLY what keep me up nights ....


My apologies to anyone who found this post disturbing and / or disgusting - but keep in mind: I always carry a camera with me ... there could have been photos!


And as promised:

*** GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS WEEK ***

- Found a new author who is Norwegian and writes about an inspector working out of Oslo, Norway. There is nothing more exciting than finding a new author I like and knowing I have 10 or so new mysteries to look forward to! In addition - a bonus! I get to wander the streets of Oslo and the surrounding areas with the inspector, and while he is finding murder and mayhem - I find remembered memories of a wonderful places, wonderful people, wonderful weather, wonderful times ...

- Said Novelist, in his first book (that had been translated into English, the first two were not) described the house we lived in to a 'T'! Since his love interest lives there - I have been able to go back time and time again to that beautiful 100 year old lodge that had been converted to a house. Each time he visits he adds to his description. With the exception that we did not have a view of Oslo and there was no garden in the back it has been very accurate. So much fun to relive wandering around that magical two and a half acres of pure beauty. In ‘our’ backyard:

- Jessie came over on Sunday, as usual. Not ‘as usual’: she was a perfect angel, watched a movie with Gary, surfed the web with me, asked to go back, we packed her a goodie bag and she left without any of the usual histrionics.

Jessie at Thanksgiving last year.

- Ryan's last test was Monday, so he has been home all week.

- Saw the prettiest almost white / light beige doe in the middle of Houston on my way into the doctor's on Monday.

- Gary's All-In-One printer died so I get a new fancy printer! It is on its way! We have a hierarchical method of ownership when it comes to computers and their accessories at our house.

When something dies - say ... Gary's printer, this starts a chain reaction that has a rather pleasant outcome for me. I give him my used printer, and then I am able to purchase the latest and greatest printer with all the new features and gadgets! Very, very cool for me. It is the Hurst 'trickle-down effect'.

I always get the new piece of equipment, my old piece goes to Gary, Gary's old piece goes to Ryan and it used to be that Ryan's old piece would go to Jessie. We caught her one too many times typing merrily along in some system file and pretty much had a knack for totally and completely obliterating the Windows Operating System to where it got so bad that you could not even hope to 'restore' the computer to an earlier version of itself. We now supervise her a little closer and let her play on my old laptop since I would really like to get a new one!

So I get to play with the brand new wireless All-In-One ... soon.

- Bought three new ginormous laundry hampers with lids ... Charlie did not eat any of my clothing this week! Her pants eating days just might be over (if we are diligent in putting everything in the hampers)

- My cleaning lady came this week (she comes every other week). It is always a good Tuesday when Alma has come! The house always feels so wonderful … and clean! And super special to someone who lounges in bed ALL THE TIME: Clean Sheets! I LOVE clean sheet Tuesday ...

- Did all of the laundry, folded it and put it away - all within the span of 2 days. This almost never happens ... I must be feeling better!

- I AM feeling better!

Friday was a wonderful day and I felt good enough to be up and about most of the day - this is VERY, VERY COOL ... well, for me!

- Upon hauling the garbage can to the curb, I spied a wee little "Detective Froggy"! Went in and got my large Canon ... because what's the point of putting "Froggy Stalking" and "Froggy Terrorizing" on your resume if you are rusty?

At first, I assumed that he was a wee little "Buddha Froggy" as usual - out there in some sort of Zen state contemplating the universe, black holes, quarks and neutron bombs ... the usual for froggies after dark. He didn't seem bothered with my strobing flash - an annoying habit of my DLSR to try and locate the object of interest and focus in on it in the dark. So, I EVER SO GRACEFULLY maneuvered myself into a prone position and looked through the viewfinder to see a rather annoyed 'Buddha Frog'.

I snapped five quick photos of ‘grumpy face’ then checked the LCD screen to see if it was saying 'busy' - camera speak telling me it needed to catch its breath before strobing and flashing again. The 'busy' went off and I put my eye back to the viewfinder ... concrete and a strip of grass. Bummer - he had hopped over to a less 'strobe-y' part of the sidewalk. I got up, grumbling, walked over to him and took a few more shots and then went inside to look at them on my computer (you really cannot tell how good or bad a photo is on that itty bitty screen).

Much to my surprise and delight - I saw that I had been mistaken with the 'Buddha' thing. This frog was CLEARLY “Hercule Poirot Froggy” - thus a 'Detective Froggy'.

How do I know this? Why, the handlebar mustache, of course! Also the grumpy look on his face - due to his chronic state of forgetfulness he had forgotten his pince-nez glasses somewhere. This is obvious, as he has apparently hopped into a wall - glass, concrete, brick? Who knows? But his meticulously groomed moustache is seriously ... skiwampus! Apparently he has some serious mystery to solve, so I left him with his grumpy, who-done-it? thoughts and went inside to download the photos.

On looking at the photos, at first I thought that it was just a piece of grass, or a couple of insect legs hanging out of his mouth, but upon closer inspection, you could see that he was the real deal. I have included a photo: the first is the unedited version, the second I have traced his moustache just in case you missed it, and the third is Hercule when he has properly groomed his mustache and has avoided hopping into flat surfaces froggy face first.

Yes - that was a long 'happy thing' from this week - but since Wed and Thurs are sort of a blur - I s splurged a bit ...



You know what? I do believe that my Happy Things from This Week is longer than my vomitus spew story!

Oh! Nevermind – I was not looking at it properly …




I wonder why that is … (5:42AM) ….