Jessie's Chauffeur Service, one of the perks with Jessie living where she does, is great. For anyone that is not familiar with this - Jessie would pitch the most horrendous fits when it was time to take her back to 'her place' and we couldn't get her in the car. With them coming and picking her up - not a complaint to be heard! When it works, it works great!
'When it works' being the operative word(s) here.
Today, well ... not working so well.
They were going to come and pick her up at 4:30 and a bit before that I got a call from the aid currently on staff at Jessie' house. She said that her car had a flat tire. I told her 'no problem' and that I would take her home.
I didn't know how ugly it was going to get, especially since she had been asking me when the aid was coming, so I TOTALLY LIED to my daughter and said:
"Jessie, come on, your aid got a flat tire and we need to go find her!"
Jessie was excited for the adventure and after the normal 10 minutes of what-in-the-world-takes-you-so-freaking-long-to-just-walk-out-the-door - we were off! No screaming, no tears, just a happy camper (finally) getting in the car.
OK, I lied - but HOW CLEVER WAS I? Keeping up on the farce, I told Jessie to keep a look out for her. She diligently checked the cars out as we headed for her place. It takes about 15 - 20 minutes to get to her house.
Feeling a tad guilty, but not so much, as we neared her place I told her that she probably got herself home by now so we would just go to 'Jessie's House'. She could stop looking for her. She was cool with that.
See how that worked out? I lied, but I got her in the car painlessly and that is saying A LOT.
Pulled into her driveway and NOW Jessie starts to pitch a fit with some fake crying and these ... not 'blood curdling' screams ... I don't know how to describe them.
Hmmmm ....
Let me try:
If you took the annoying sound of fingernails scratching a chalkboard and put a couple of zeros at the end of the decibel number of that sound, threw in the pain if hitting your thumb with a hammer, added the very strong stench of sulfur, plus tossed some sand in your eyes, added Gilbert Gottfried saying pretty much ANYTHING AT ALL ... really loud, tossed some alcohol on an open wound ... and just for giggles - added just a touch of heavy metal music ...
... IT WOULDN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO HOW FREAKING ANNOYING HER FAKE SCREAMING IS.
This is no lie, but since she only does it for Gary and I y'all will think I'm exaggerating.
I. AM. NOT.
I slam the door shut and it softens the sound of her screaming since she is refusing to get out of the car and walk up to the door and ring the bell to get the aid to help me drag her from my car.
And I wait.
Knock on the door.
And I wait.
Knocked harder on the door.
My phone rings.
It is Gary. He tells me that the aid had called back and was stuck and needed a ride back to their house and had assumed that I would pick her up. Which was FINE with me.
HAD SHE ASKED ME THAT ON THE PHONE AND TOLD ME WHERE SHE WAS ...
Gary proceeds to tell me that she is at the grocery store ... not more than 3 minutes from our house.
OK.
YES.
I KNOW.
I am being punished for lying.
Got back in the car and told Jessie that we were going to go pick up her aid.
Then DROVE ALL THE WAY BACK TO (almost) MY HOUSE. And told Jessie to start looking ... for real this time.
Picked her up, along with Jessie's room mate then turned around and headed back to Jessie's house.
I am tired, I want to lay down and read a book, and I sigh as I picture doing JUST THAT as we get a few minutes away from their house. I mean I audibly sighed ....
Then:
Aid: "Um, Ma'am?"
Lori: "Yes?"
Aid: "I left the keys to the house in my car."
Lori: "Excuse me?"
Aid: "I just realized the keys are not in my pocket, they are in the divider between the front seats of my car."
Lori: "Um, OKaaaaaaay"
And, dejectedly, I TURN AROUND the car and head back.
Twenty minutes later we are back to her car. She gets her keys and we are off!
AGAIN!
Twenty minutes later, we are back to 'Jessie's House', with me, somehow during that 20 minute driving session getting roped into having Jessie AND her roommate over in two weeks (we will be in Idaho next Sunday), promised to call her roommate's mother after she INSISTED I write down her home number ... don't really know the point to that one, and somehow put off answering the question of when our family and her family were going to have a get together AT MY HOUSE? She was rather persistent.
Turned around and headed for my home ... and a mere twenty minutes later - I WAS HOME!
OK, kids, what is the lesson I learned today?
Not to lie to Jessie? (I really don't lie to her all that often)
HECK, NO! When it is time to get Jessie in the car - I switch into some sort of survival mode and will do anything - legal or not - to get her in the car without bloodshed.
No - what did I learn?
I need make a note to call Jessie's weekend aid and tell her that contrary to popular belief,
no,
I am not omniscient ....
Toodles .... my bed and my book are calling ...
Toodles .... my bed and my book are calling ...
4 comments:
No one was stabbed with a ball point pen and you still have all your hair. A lesser woman would have pulled hers out after just one segment of that trip. I'd chalk that up as a success. You're doing the best you can.
There is a special place in heaven for people like you. Honest! You are amazing. I'm so sorry it has to be so tough.
I just want to confirm that Lori is not exagerating Jessie tantrums. I have witnessed them first hand. I agree that there is a special place in heaven for you Lori. Wow! Sorry!!
Oh man, when you hit "Gilbert Gottfried" I lost it! HIlarious! Um, for the reader, obviously not you.
And how did you refrain from calling the aide a twit? I mean, I think she is probably awesome and had an off day, I get it, but you have amazing powers of restraint. Because I was muttering "twit" to my screen.
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