On the Seine

Pic of the Day:

Photo turned into a sketch. Then a textured overlay added and the blending mode changed to linear burn at 74%. To lighten the center, added a vector mask to the texture layer and 'painted out' 50% of the color in the center.

Original photo:

Bokeh

Pic of the day:

Flowers with artificial bokeh lights overlaid to make the background more interesting:

Pic of the Day ...

Round and round and round we go:

The Coliseum (modified with 'Percolator' app on iPad)

Crossroads

A few weeks ago ... and only two posts ago - I mentioned "crashing and burning" and that it was "spectacular". I guess, on looking back, that maybe I should have been a little more ... emphatic ... about this incident.

I had a lot of fears at the time: Jessie moving, Gary in Iraq, and other fears. I had a lot of guilt brewing. Add that to my ever-increasing-in-severity depression, being alone, and a vat full of pain, memories and just downright psychosis and ... ta-da! You have a recipe for disaster. To say I fell off a mental cliff is putting it very lightly.

I have changed.

I spent days after my mind seemed to shatter into a thousand million pieces just trying to breathe. Then the thinking began ...

I needed to fix me. I was broken. I was not sure how to begin or where to start.

I kept thinking.

I decided that a good idea would be to set up some sort of system where in this wouldn't happen again. Where I could start protecting me, my heart, my mental health. I began by coming up with a plan:

Lori's Scorched Earth Policy

Destroy everything, sever all ties to everyone (except for my family), no communications, no phone, no venturing out of the house, no blog, no Facebook, ... complete and utter desolate wasteland. This was my plan.

I might not have thought this policy through completely ...

I thought that by completely isolating myself - I wouldn't get hurt, there would be less fears, less worries, less pain ...

... but life does not work like that. Life isn't that simple.

So ... I have been rethinking my "Scorched Earth Policy". And ... what's done is done - bridges have been burned, entire communities razed, fields burned ... it's like an atom bomb went off in my head.

But ...

I have given it a little more thought - and thought that maybe this isn't the smartest thing for me. Sure, there are risks, but that just comes with breathing.

So ... I have decided that it is time to start rebuilding. And one of the things that I thought that I needed to give up for my mental health was my blog. But - I like writing ... it is therapeutic, and I used to enjoy it. 'Used to enjoy it'? Yeah. I literally don't know how to write on this blog anymore ... except to whine and that just HAS to stop.

I really have changed. But something tells me that if I work hard enough and long enough - that the old Lori might peek through every now and again.

So I am going to keep blogging - contrary to my last "Swan Song" post. Don't know what to write - and truly feel like I have nothing of any importance to say. But then again, did I ever?

So ... until I get my groove back ... or something back - I'm instating a new blog policy:


A Daily Photo.


No matter what. It just might help me start caring about my photography again too - a win-win for me. I don't know what it means for you ...

I guess that will start tomorrow since I am lying in bed typing this in on my iPad and it won't let me upload a photo.

Well, I guess that's it ... to recap: I'm nuts, I have cut myself off from the outside world and barricaded myself in my house in a very clumsy attempt to protect myself ... but I'm working on it.

Who knows ....

In a few weeks ....

I just might talk to a real person ....


Well ...



that's the goal.

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same.
I'm tired of playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap ..."

"Defying Gravity" from Wicked

Mantra, Moving, Messed up Monday ...

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

"Everything will be fine, breathe, breathe, breathe ..."

"Everything will be fine ..."

Hmmmm ... not working.

Jessie moves into her Pretty Little House, with her Pretty Little Bedroom and her Pretty Little Bathroom today.

I remember writing about this previously and when I went to find it - I was stunned to find out that I wrote it back in January. So long ago, yet feels like yesterday. That I titled it: Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous, Ticked-off Times Ahead showed that I had a clue that things might get .... dicey.

I re-read the post this morning and skipping the first half about Charlie, pills and trying to get them in her ... there comes a section titled: Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous Times (and Tunes) Ahead. It is where I explain that Jessie might be moving to that Pretty Little House and how I felt about it.

I also mention that there might be some 'crashing and burning' involved. This morning I thought back to that January day when I wrote that ... so naive ... so optimistic ... so clueless!

That crashing and burning?


SPECTACULAR.


I write about trying to find a 'softer landing'.

I didn't.


I will go visit her in her new home and see things are fine some time this week.

I will find my way out of this dark place that I seemed to have found myself stuck in.


Hopefully before the weekend. This weekend is the MS150 and both Gary and Ryan are riding in it. I am the transportation. I did this last year and after dropping Gary off, I went on ahead to La Grange taking photos of the wildflowers as I went.

As I think ahead to this weekend it bothers me that I could care less if I take photos of wild flowers. Don't even know if I will take my cameras.

So ... here is hoping that Jessie's move was the right thing to do and I find my way out of this mess ...




... the wildflowers are waiting.

Ha Det Bra

That means 'goodbye' in Norwegian. I had put that on my blog - then deleted my blog last night. It gives you 90 days to 'un-delete' then it is gone forever.

In the dawning of a new day ... I guess I wasn't ready to say goodbye ...

Tiny Planets

Last night, as Gary peacefully drifted off to sleep - I started mentally going through my ever expanding checklist of 'things to do' in the wee hours of the night that will keep the monsters at bay.

Gary being home meant that the monsters weren't as persistant, but still there lurking about in the shadows. Gary being home also meant that comfortably watching Netflix was out. I have a set of headphones, but they are uncomfortable so not my first choice.

So - since 90% of my 'distractions' now have to do with my trusty new BFF - my iPad, I turned it on and started wandering through the apps. Nothing was jumping off the screen at me, so I went to the App Store! THE APP STORE! One of my favorite places! Where ON THIS PLANET can you buy something for under a dollar that can keep you entertained for hours ... or better yet - keep the monsters at bay?

Since I don't play computer games that throws out, by my estimation, AT LEAST 80% of all iPad apps in the App Store. Bummer. But - the 'genius' option is a lifesaver. It makes suggestions based on your previous purchases - so off I went to the Wizard himself. The Mighty One suggested something called 'Tiny Planets' and IT WAS FREE!

You can't go wrong with free.

So I uploaded it onto my iPad. It asked for a photo - which I gave it, and then it asked if I wanted to make a 'Tiny Planet' or a 'Tiny Tube' - I opted for the 'Tiny Planet' and was pleasantly surprised at the results!

It would take your photo and warp it into a globe. I quickly realized that some photos would be more amenable than others and grabbed one from my 'Paris' file:



And out popped the CUTEST LITTLE PLANET you ever did see!



I was hooked - so in went a Denmark photo:



ADORABLE!



I then decided I could add 'playing with new gadgets' to my nightly escapades and off to the computer I headed.

I had just days before received from my good friend Mr. Amazon an adapter / reader for the iPad. In one end you pop your SD camera card, and the other end plugged into the iPad's regular port. It lets you directly import photos from your camera card right onto the iPad. Clever, no?

So - I scoured my photo folders for photos that I thought would make excellent Tiny Planets. Plugged it into my iPad and imported them.

Then I went to town!


Brisbane:



Made into a Tiny Planet:



AND I decided to utilize option 'b' and made it into a Tiny Tube also.


It has a sort of 'Inception' feel to me ...



Sydney:








Brisbane at sunrise:







Boats in Cairns, Australia made for a very 'pointy' planet:





Fireworks celebrated the birth of this new planet:





More boats - cuter planet:





Texas wanted to play - so Planet Bluebonnet was created:





Sydney at night was fun:







Texas at sunrise:





And just for fun since it is not a planet - my family watching a bunch of lazy seals:






And, did I mention?

IT'S FREE!

Oh, and it does not make the frames - that was me wasting time today.


Packed it in at 7:00am - excited to show Gary, that while he slumbered - I created worlds aplenty, my own little psychotic universe ...

Heebie-Jeebie Alert ...

Just sayin' ...

Gary went to throw Frisbee for the freak show and came back in saying that there was a cute baby snake on the sidewalk.

Of course I immediately grabbed my camera and went out in my jammies and started snapping away:

Adorable, yes?