Gary is currently at 32,000 feet (or thereabouts) on his way to Dubai. That is his jumping off point into Iraq. He will be gone eleven days.
Eleven days.
Not that I am counting or anything ...
As he left this morning and gave me a hug and a kiss, he told me I had to blog daily so he would know how I was doing.
Seriously?
Really?
You want me to blog right now?
Ok.
Yesterday we had Jessie per our usual Sunday schedule. To make a horrific, heartbreaking, horrible long story short - Jessie proceeded to shatter my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I will ever be able to find them all and get it put back together again ...
Sometimes a mothers love is just too much to bear ... especially when you are lost in the deepest and darkest parts of shadowland.
So - I have a plan:
I have locked the doors.
I have shuttered the windows.
I have turned off the phones.
And I am going to try every trick in my book to find my way out of this mess ...
Until then ....
Over and Out.
Eleven days.
Not that I am counting or anything ...
As he left this morning and gave me a hug and a kiss, he told me I had to blog daily so he would know how I was doing.
Seriously?
Really?
You want me to blog right now?
Ok.
Yesterday we had Jessie per our usual Sunday schedule. To make a horrific, heartbreaking, horrible long story short - Jessie proceeded to shatter my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I will ever be able to find them all and get it put back together again ...
Sometimes a mothers love is just too much to bear ... especially when you are lost in the deepest and darkest parts of shadowland.
So - I have a plan:
I have locked the doors.
I have shuttered the windows.
I have turned off the phones.
And I am going to try every trick in my book to find my way out of this mess ...
Until then ....
Over and Out.
6 comments:
You may have locked doors, shuttered the house & turned off phones but you can't keep friends' prayers from heading your way. Thinking of YOU! And praying for YOU!
How about a new project? I think you should write a book of your most uplifting thoughts and stories and illustrate it with your photos. Even if you aren't in the mood, just begin.
Even easier might be a "book of lectures" - the things you have learned from life and what you want to pass down to your family.
The motto of my writing class is "anything you write is better than nothing at all"...
Love ya!
My prayers are with you as well. You could be teaching my wonderful students, who sat back in class snickering (at me!). When I asked what the private joke was, they said, "Do you know that you hardly ever blink, you go 40 seconds between blinks?" Good to know, right? This is totally what is right with today's youth - so focused on important things.
I don't know what happened with Jessie, but just know that you are a good mother, she will not ever be able to tell you that or indicate it until you get to the other side. She has so many other influences in her life right now, and kids always resist and think they hate the parent who holds them to some kind of standard. (at least at the time - especially with Jessie's convoluted way to seeing life).
I am also praying for Gary's uneventful and safe return. Drat that man and his job!
I agree with Vicki. Your writing is inspirational and amazing - start writing.
In the meantime, I will be praying for both you and Gary!
I'm starting to worry - 4 days with no post. Should I send in the marines?
Cherri,
Thanks for the concern. I decided to cut and paste a note I sent to my parents this evening when they e-mailed me and asked if there was anything they could do ... less energy expended this way I guess ... So here it is in it's entirety (with one addition in []'s):
I'm fine - really. Just not in the mood to talk [or apparently blog].
Jessie actually packed a bag of clothes and brought with her on Sunday and begged to stay. Words cannot describe how awful I feel about dragging her in to her group home sobbing ...
In addition, my husband is currently slated to go out tomorrow 'into the field' in an armored transport vehicle with armed guards all suited up in full body armor ... AGAIN. It is not helping my mental breakdown at all ...
I am just hiding out in my bedroom reading books and trying not to think at all ... It's getting better each day.
Sorry I am being a butt and have turned off my phone but I really can't come up with any conversational skills at this point - just trying to ride it out the best way I can.
I will try to call when I feel like I won't just sob over the phone - until then I do pretty well with e-mail so feel free to send notes. I know mom has a problem expressing how she feels in type, but let her know I do listen to my messages and appreciate the one she left ... I don't know when - the days are flowing together and I am not doing so well keeping track of what day it is ... None the less - I appreciated it and your prayers very much.
I really am ok - sadly this feels like familiar territory ... old territory and my coping skills are rusty, but I will be fine - the sun will come up tomorrow, Jessie will soon be moving to a better place, my husband will come home and my depression will disappear whenever it decides to go - just as suddenly as it showed up. I know this will end, it is just the waiting for me to be more stable that sucks ...
... I'm working on it.
Lori
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