I am sure it comes as no surprise to anyone reading my blog that I have been trapped in shadowland for some time now. Can't really even remember when I actually fell down the rabbit hole ...
It's not like I haven't tried to find my way out - self help, doctors, pharmaceuticals - but ... here I wander ... wondering when I will see blue skies again. I realized this morning what I miss the most:
Joy
There is no joy in shadowland. No getting excited about photography, my photography books, my family, new gizmos - I got a new iPad 2 the other day and I just stare at it wondering why I have it.
I miss joy.
I want it back.
Yesterday I found out that shadowland has levels.
Who knew?
Somehow I fell down another hole
- one that I would rather not slip into again. A darker, more sinister level. Didn't see Cerberus - maybe next time I will have that pleasure ...
I found out yesterday what serious depression was like as I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling fan spin - for hours. No emotion, no movement, just a screaming in my head to get up and DO SOMETHING! And I couldn't. I just lie there staring at nothing hour after hour after hour - alternating between the screaming to get up and do something and having my mind completely and utterly blank ... I don't know which one I found more disturbing.
Ryan is home for spring break and can tell something is wrong. Yesterday he kept bringing me Sonic drinks (that I couldn't be bothered to drink) and asking if everything was OK, I tell him that I am fine - but he has not seen me out of bed since he arrived ...
Gary came home to find me this way and had told me about his trip to Iraq was going to maybe be longer than he thought. He leaves next Monday and instead of returning the following Monday it would be until the Friday after that. Tears dribbled from my eyes as he said he was worried about me and that he could postpone the trip. I told him not to, that I would be fine.
I was impressed
the tears ...
it was the first bit of emotion that I had encountered in about 24 hours. It felt monumental.
I will be fine while he is gone. At least the guilt isn't there - it is sort of like the tree falling in the woods. If you are a shitty homemaker, wife, person, mother and no one is there to see it, is it really true?
I woke up this morning speaking in complete sentences. That was a good sign - yesterday all I could muster was one word replies or nothing at all. So maybe I have found my way back to my familiar shadowland - I would be happy about that if I could muster up the energy to be happy about anything - but I do feel a titch of relief
that counts ...
right?
It's not like I haven't tried to find my way out - self help, doctors, pharmaceuticals - but ... here I wander ... wondering when I will see blue skies again. I realized this morning what I miss the most:
Joy
There is no joy in shadowland. No getting excited about photography, my photography books, my family, new gizmos - I got a new iPad 2 the other day and I just stare at it wondering why I have it.
I miss joy.
I want it back.
Yesterday I found out that shadowland has levels.
Who knew?
Somehow I fell down another hole
- one that I would rather not slip into again. A darker, more sinister level. Didn't see Cerberus - maybe next time I will have that pleasure ...
I found out yesterday what serious depression was like as I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling fan spin - for hours. No emotion, no movement, just a screaming in my head to get up and DO SOMETHING! And I couldn't. I just lie there staring at nothing hour after hour after hour - alternating between the screaming to get up and do something and having my mind completely and utterly blank ... I don't know which one I found more disturbing.
Ryan is home for spring break and can tell something is wrong. Yesterday he kept bringing me Sonic drinks (that I couldn't be bothered to drink) and asking if everything was OK, I tell him that I am fine - but he has not seen me out of bed since he arrived ...
Gary came home to find me this way and had told me about his trip to Iraq was going to maybe be longer than he thought. He leaves next Monday and instead of returning the following Monday it would be until the Friday after that. Tears dribbled from my eyes as he said he was worried about me and that he could postpone the trip. I told him not to, that I would be fine.
I was impressed
the tears ...
it was the first bit of emotion that I had encountered in about 24 hours. It felt monumental.
I will be fine while he is gone. At least the guilt isn't there - it is sort of like the tree falling in the woods. If you are a shitty homemaker, wife, person, mother and no one is there to see it, is it really true?
I woke up this morning speaking in complete sentences. That was a good sign - yesterday all I could muster was one word replies or nothing at all. So maybe I have found my way back to my familiar shadowland - I would be happy about that if I could muster up the energy to be happy about anything - but I do feel a titch of relief
that counts ...
right?
5 comments:
Lori, I am amazed at your writing. The way you frame & block your writing. It is very poetic.
I have never understood depression very well... Anger, anger I understand, sadly, but not so much depression. When I served in church leadership positions, I was quite taken aback by how many men & women struggle with it.
... But your writing brings the struggle alive, and helps give a glimpse of understanding to one who hasn't understood...
What a talent to be able to convey feelings and experiences into words, so others can see a litttle clearer... truly poetic.
Robert, thank you - you are very kind.
OHHHHH! I am so sorry. I pray you will be able to find your way out. It sounds like you are trying everything. Could it somehow be related to worry over Gary's trip? I'm sure that weighs heavy.
Ughhh! I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I do know that even just witnessing it-- how horribly draining and consuming the hole is. I'm so sorry and will pray for the light to shine soon.
My heart is with you. I knew it couldn't be good when you don't even write.
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