On Crashing and Burning ....

Monday, February 14th. I am feeling guilty that I will not make it to the cemetery in Houston, that behind a bush in 'Babyland' holds a beautiful marker that reads 'Rachael Fern Hurst' and only one date: 14 February 1997. To clean it, sit by it, talk to it, probably cry a bit ...

... but I am not there and I am concentrating on other things. My father has given me a Valentines Day card and chocolate - always a great distraction!

We are headed back to Phoenix in preparation for my departure back to Houston the next day. But on the way - we are making two quick detours: The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum full of animals in their natural habitat. Captive animals ... not the greatest, but I love animals, love photographing animals and it is a close second to in the wild (at least it is not a zoo ...). Then on to Old Tucson - a movie set where many Western movies were filmed and since we had just been in Tombstone - I wanted to see it and watch 'Tombstone' again and see if I recognized it - it was filmed there. Again - fake old buildings - LOVE to photograph old buildings, but fake is a close second ... and usually photograph much better ...

We arrive at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum and it is just starting to get warm. It has been cool so far, but the predictions are that it will hit 80 degrees today. That will be new for this trip. Get out of the car and I am in a bundle of pain - but have been for days and try to walk it out.

Pay the entrance fee and enter. See a pretty, old looking door, so snap a photo:

Then we spy volunteers holding birds explaining them, how they hunt, etc, etc, etc. Didn't catch the names of any of them but I suspect this is the Ferruginous Hawk prominently displayed later in this post:

This little guy was just the epitome of CUTE:

He's very tiny - maybe a bit smaller than a pigeon ... not a CLUE what he is ...

And ANOTHER ANGRY OWL!!! This one about the size of a mans fist - so ITTY BITTY ANGRY OWL!!

Took some shots of what was starting to become mundane - the beautiful Arizona Sonora desert:

We notice that there is a bird show at 10:00 - only 15 minutes away. We get directions - we are a ways away, but get there in 5 minutes. I realize as we arrive that I just might be in trouble. It is not an amphitheatre, it is just a bunch of people standing around.

Why am I in trouble?

1) I am short - and getting photos is IMPOSSIBLE for me in a crowd - I am not pushy and would NEVER step in front of a taller photographer - even if they could still take their photos - YOU JUST DON'T DO IT.

2) There are studies about Chronic Fatigue Patients and standing for long periods of time. It's like a test - stand 10 people in a line - one with CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) and have them hold still. The CFIDS patient won't make it 20 minutes - something to do with blood pressure dropping precipitously and ... lights out. I cannot stand for long periods of time - it makes me physically ill. Something I try to avoid and compensate for by acting like and enfeebled 85 year old ...

We stand and wait for the show, and yes I am in trouble. I grab a post and bend one leg and rotate my ankle, switch, bend and rotate, switch ... this helps some.

And the show begins.

My father and I have been rather clever - there was no chance of getting in the front - it was 3 -5 people deep. But the back - (it was a fenced path everyone was standing along) had spots to stand right up to the fence facing backwards. I had spied a lady, kneeling off about 6 feet and take some meat out of her butt-pack and watched as she smeared it on a tree.

WHOO HOOO! I knew exactly where to focus my camera! And RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

Watched her go over to another tree and we had our points to watch. So the birds would fly in and she would talk about them, but would continually fly about eating what multiple volunteers were setting out for them - which is why, I am assuming, they don't just fly away to parts where they don't have to perform!

We got some excellent photos this way. I was feeling horrible, but excited and kept taking photos:


**Disclaimer** Any bird experts out there - we tried to remember what they were called, but these could be totally wrong ...

The Kestrel:

The Great Horned Owl:

Apparently ALL owls are Angry Owls - AND don't like having their picture taken:

The Grey Falcon:

The Ferruginous Hawk:

At least HE seems to like getting his picture taken ... he is smiling at me!

The show ends and we wander off. I am thinking that I can just 'walk it out' like I can the arthritis pain but I just get very shaky and nauseous.

We stop at the javilinas enclosure and see a rare sighting of one just wandering into the open. I hardly care as I snap a few photos.

Then off to the prairie dog enclosure and I take 3 photos and realized that I was there - I had crashed and burned and was going to pass out if I didn't go find a bench VERY SOON. I looked at my watch ... it was 10:45 am - I couldn't even make it until noon.

You have NO IDEA how frustrating this is. I want SO BADLY to take photos, but my body is saying - 'go barf in that flower pot ... then ... pass out'.

So I stop.

I find a bench in the shade. I DON'T barf in the flower pot. And tell my dad to take the other loop without me and I will sit here and get feeling better.

He leaves.

I want to scream, and cry, and barf and pass out all at the same time and the rage building is a bit intense. I JUST WANT TO TAKE SOME PHOTOS ... IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

I sit.

I watch people go by.

They are mostly Sunbirds - much older than me - and acting much younger than me. It is times like this that I despise myself and the fact that there are things I cannot do. It is a place I am in often so I push it out of my mind and people watch.

The shaking stops.

The nausea settles a bit.

My father returns.

He is excited about the photos he got. The 'cats' were out since it was not so hot. I am sad, mad, jealous and so excited for him - all rolled into one big emotion. I want to tell him we should go do it again, but I know I can't.

He tells me I can have his photos - but IT'S NOT THE SAME. They are not mine. I didn't take them. Go figure - other peoples photos gets me excited for THEM for having captured the perfect shot - but they don't interest me as much as my unending quest to eventually get that perfect shot ...

So I missed this beautiful creature (photo by Val Peterson):

And this one (photo by Val Peterson):

And this wonderful photo op - which I probably wouldn't have noticed since I would have been in that 'trudging' stage, but that my father would have been kind enough to point out to me (photo by Val Peterson):

We didn't go to Old Tucson (duh) and headed straight back to Phoenix - with me settling into a mild depression for failing for just one freaking day to be able to act like a normal person ...

It will be 19 years in April when I was diagnosed with the Epstein-Barr virus that they think triggered all this. I have learned to adapt, I sit at a computer, have sedate hobbies, and sometimes I feel incredibly, unfathomably ripped off.

Some times CFIDS patients get better.

Nineteen years ....






... I'm not holding my breath ....