The blogger gods are against me tonight - or for me - I am not really sure. I have started a post twice and they have been broken in ways that are too annoying & unimportant to go into and I have given up on them.
The first was whiny, the second - rambling. So why attempt a third? I have no freakin clue ...
The problem - something is wrong with me and I can't figure out what.
To start with, and I think a large reason for my ... whatever ... is that the following is the sum total of my Christmas decorations thus far:
Yeah, it's a nativity. OK, a very cool nativity. I bought it at a beautiful church in Christchurch, New Zealand, ran the gauntlet (well, Gary actually did this part) of the Australia customs officials and got it home in one piece to Texas. It is beautiful, hand carved olive wood made in the Holy Land and is precious.But - all I have?
OK, there is this:
Another beautiful Nativity that is hand carved Italian - that I bought across the street from the Vatican - but I keep it up all year it is so lovely so I don't think I can count it.
So - my question - what is wrong with me?
Instead of decorating last week, I chose to lie about in bed and barf a lot. I think given the two choices ... well, I don't really know which one sounds more pleasant - constant vomiting or decorating for Christmas - I like decorating THAT MUCH.
But, still, I DO IT. Until this year. Hmmm? There is the problem that Gary will not help me get containers out of the attic. Harsh? You say? Maybe - but he realizes that anything that I put up, I have to take down alone - when I get back from Australia. We are leaving a couple of days after Christmas and I am not coming home with Ryan, I am staying a week later and coming home to an empty house. He is smart enough to know that chances are high that all the decorations would still be up when he arrives some time in February - thus the - 'I am on my own' theory - that I won't do more than I can undo.
But, ?
But, what? There is part of my mind with a very small voice saying 'Is this really a tragedy?', 'Is it that important?'. And my answer is always 'no'. I don't need Christmas lights and baubles to get into the holiday spirit, I don't need them to show Christ that I am serious about Christmas, I don't need them to really have a beautiful Christmas and keep those things that are of utmost importance number one during this time when things could slide ...
But another part of me is saying this is all a huge, stinking pile of crap. I love my house decorated for Christmas. All the lights off, the Christmas tree glowing, candles burning and beautiful Christmas music playing. It brings me peace. It gets me in the spirit. It is beautiful.
So who knows which voice is right and which voice is wrong. My guess is neither - they are both right. My house decked out for the holidays does get me in the spirit - but maybe it is not necessary to get me in the spirit. Why don't I know? Because I have never not decorated. OK, the first Christmas we lived in Norway we were heading to Gary's mothers for Christmas and we did not decorate - but living in a freaking cabin at the top of a mountain blanketed in snow after living in Houston for 16 years - that WAS decoration!
Tomorrow will be two days before Christmas and I really don't see myself decorating then ... seems a waste - and there is that taking down part. So I don't see it happening. I seem very conflicted over a tree and a few stockings, yes? And I really don't know why. What is wrong with me?
Is it that I am letting my family down and just another item to add to my list of failures as a wife and mother, or am I just being neurotic?
I really think I can enjoy this holiday without all the 'trimmings'. But do I force my entire family to do the same? Well, I guess I do - since that is what is happening ...
OK, this is as rambling and whiny as the other two put together! Cool - didn't think it was possible. I'll stop now.
So - my question - what is wrong with me?
Instead of decorating last week, I chose to lie about in bed and barf a lot. I think given the two choices ... well, I don't really know which one sounds more pleasant - constant vomiting or decorating for Christmas - I like decorating THAT MUCH.
But, still, I DO IT. Until this year. Hmmm? There is the problem that Gary will not help me get containers out of the attic. Harsh? You say? Maybe - but he realizes that anything that I put up, I have to take down alone - when I get back from Australia. We are leaving a couple of days after Christmas and I am not coming home with Ryan, I am staying a week later and coming home to an empty house. He is smart enough to know that chances are high that all the decorations would still be up when he arrives some time in February - thus the - 'I am on my own' theory - that I won't do more than I can undo.
But, ?
But, what? There is part of my mind with a very small voice saying 'Is this really a tragedy?', 'Is it that important?'. And my answer is always 'no'. I don't need Christmas lights and baubles to get into the holiday spirit, I don't need them to show Christ that I am serious about Christmas, I don't need them to really have a beautiful Christmas and keep those things that are of utmost importance number one during this time when things could slide ...
But another part of me is saying this is all a huge, stinking pile of crap. I love my house decorated for Christmas. All the lights off, the Christmas tree glowing, candles burning and beautiful Christmas music playing. It brings me peace. It gets me in the spirit. It is beautiful.
So who knows which voice is right and which voice is wrong. My guess is neither - they are both right. My house decked out for the holidays does get me in the spirit - but maybe it is not necessary to get me in the spirit. Why don't I know? Because I have never not decorated. OK, the first Christmas we lived in Norway we were heading to Gary's mothers for Christmas and we did not decorate - but living in a freaking cabin at the top of a mountain blanketed in snow after living in Houston for 16 years - that WAS decoration!
Tomorrow will be two days before Christmas and I really don't see myself decorating then ... seems a waste - and there is that taking down part. So I don't see it happening. I seem very conflicted over a tree and a few stockings, yes? And I really don't know why. What is wrong with me?
Is it that I am letting my family down and just another item to add to my list of failures as a wife and mother, or am I just being neurotic?
I really think I can enjoy this holiday without all the 'trimmings'. But do I force my entire family to do the same? Well, I guess I do - since that is what is happening ...
OK, this is as rambling and whiny as the other two put together! Cool - didn't think it was possible. I'll stop now.
4 comments:
Traditions, and memories, I believe much of the joy we feel in the now, is based on feelings from our past. I think I can relate. The olive wood nativity is beautiful. So go light a few candles, brew a spice pot of some cinnamon stick, cloves and allspice, put on your favorite Christmas Album, relax and enjoy the aroma and sounds of the holiday.
First of all... you did not 'decide' to lie in bed and vomit. You have no control over that. I'm so sorry you were not feeling well. I can understand that it must not feel right to not decorate when you always have, but you are not letting anyone down by any means... that nativity is BEAUTIFUL and it tells the entire reason of why we celebrate this glorious season. I love ya' my friend. Merry Christmas!
Your olive wood nativity is gorgeous. And frankly, a beautiful nativity is really all you need.
You know how I feel about this - decorating is not required. And if it isn't fun, it is even less required. Beautiful, but utterly unnecessary. Pointless is this comment since it is after Christmas anyway, but I'll just say that last year I didn't decorate. This year I did. Now I have to undecorate, and that leads me to believe that I will not decorate this coming year.
Other than that, um, well, you did great with your Christmas! Nobody suffers if you don't do 14 lockers of Christmas. And if they do, that just shows them how much they ought to appreciate you every year.
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