He's Gone

**Alert ** Serious whining to follow: **

I didn't know it would bother me as much as it is bothering me. I mean, I am going to see him soon ... at 'his' place, so what is the biggie?

It kind of reminds me of Jessie leaving - that her spirit left with her and left a cloud of emptiness hovering over the house - it wafted through the rooms and as you walked through it, you felt a sense of yearning for things to be as they were, even though the way they were with Jessie was getting to be way too much for me to handle. Walking through that mist of emptiness, all that is forgotten and all you remember is the smiles and the laughter and the fun times.

With Gary - the cloud is thicker, more overbearing, overwhelming - because there are not the ugly things to forget - only good things and they have all left with him - and it is just a bit more than I expected to feel on the 'emptiness scale'.

When Jessie left, the physical house changed little. In fact, she had so many clothes that her closet really does not look as if anything is gone. Her beds and bedspreads, toys are all still there (a very strange guest room, but the guest have appreciated the beds and had toys to play with if they were bored!)

Now that Gary is gone, the house changed little - since his 'sanity pile' was stuff stored in the attic and shed and I did not see on a daily basis. So I should be OK, he's just on another business trip, right?

As I sit here typing, out of the corner of my eye I can see his desk:

No computer, no printer, no junk, no pencil holder, nothing but a discarded photo and a tray - empty of everything except the 2009 Stake Directory. It looks ... empty ... and it is a continual reminder that he is really gone - moved to another country and I panic a bit.

I find the emptiness I feel is exponential to the emptiness I felt with Jessie leaving. Odd since Jessie's is to be more permanent. But Gary is my best friend, and it is hard to see your best friend drive away from the curb (which I did not - I was in bed sick where he kissed me goodbye, then I heard the front door closed quietly behind him. I realized that with Ryan at work, that I was now totally alone - completely alone ... until a black wet nose nuzzled my face and questioningly looked at the tears running down my face - and I smiled).

I worry, unceasingly, obsessively, wanting to make this work and making my side of the pond not be a worry to Gary.

One of the toilets lost its mind the night before he left and he made two trips to Wal-mart to get the right things to make sure it was fixed before he left. I started to wonder if the rest will follow suite? OK, I will admit - I know that I say I am an idiot on a regular basis - and in some ways I am, but I also know that I am a very, very intelligent person (just don't admit it ... ever. Think nutty professor - that was my nickname in High School by my year book staff (I was Editor)) so if I studied the toilet, or whatever else decides to commit suicide - I will probably be able to figure it out or at least figure out my limitations and call someone in. Being stupid in my life is generally over little things I don't think through, but I know if I put my mind to something - I will be able to do it. I just don't want to do this crap!

Gary is a genius when it comes to home repairs, fixes, etc - his dad taught him electrical, plumbing, woodworking .... pretty much everything - if you could do it yourself - you were not beholden to anyone and were self sufficient. It has worked so well for us for so many years and I am so dependant on him for things like this, because I have had no interest to learn. I believe there will be times in the next year that I curse my inattention to his instructions.

In fact as I sit here, I have no idea what Gary left the sprinkler system set for, and not really sure how to program it (same here - I can figure it out, but much quicker if Gary just does it). Lots of things he takes care of that I am clueless about and and now I need to 'pony up' and take responsibility. Yuck.

I sit here at my desk an look at my beautiful orchids and realize - not all the flowers in the world are going to make up for the emptiness in the house. Gary was too big a presence, always happy, cheerful, playful - joking, and working to make our house just a little better that day than it was the day before.

I don't now how to fix this feeling. I guess just live with it and try not to look to my right (at his desk) very often.

Bet I don't take down his toothbrush, clean off his night stand and all the other things I used to do when he travelled.

Why not let them stay? Pretend that a part of him is still lingering in the ether ....