HAPPY NEW YEAR From Down Under!!!

Nuff said:

New Years Eve ... Still ...

It is 1/2 hour before midnight and I have totally given up trying to upload the video into the blog I started at 4:30am this morning. I am bored - I was excited for the 8:30pm fireworks and was gravely disappointed when none appeared in the sky - it must have been a low lying display. I have high hopes for midnight - I have seen the photos - fireworks over the bridge, fireworks over the tall buildings - it could be a photo bonanza - but who knows ...

So I cut and pasted the stupid blog from this morning in here because I would so hate to waste a blog and the 'oh so much' effort I put into them:


Title: Ryan and the Emu

Four thirty'ish (am) on New Years Eve day here in Brisbane therefore I am wide awake while my boys blissfully sleep away the morning - thus a couple of blogs are going to emerge. (Note: OK, it was 4:30 when I started this, but I am trying to download a pretty large video which at home would make my computer pant, but here in Australia, there are limits on downloads and they go unbelievably slow - it just might take all day to download this blasted video - and I have an even cooler one I wanted to put in another blog ... sigh.)

First one (although you will most likely read them backwards): Ryan's complete and total fascination with the Emu.

Up until now, I don't believe I have even mentioned that there are various five to six foot emu's wandering around with the kangaroos. Gary tried to feed them the first time I was there with him and he about lost a digit to the pecking type of eating the emu's will do out of your hands so I really decided that since they were taller than me, could peck out my eye at any minute and looked ever so angry, that we would just steer clear of each other.

That was working fine until Ryan decided to fall in love with them. They are actually quite cute up close:

SO totally LOVE the head: the eyes, the cute little feather hair bob thing on the top of the head and that look like they would kill you if that were allowed at the Sanctuary:

Ryan made a new friend and had a good time communing and feeding 'what's his name' (he was littler):

There was one that had only one eye (OK, and a half) and I was making fun in a fairly nice way - but still - how would you like to be called 'monocle'? He decided that he had had enough and decided to show me how tall he was. I've never seen an emu 'rear up', but that is what he did and reached about seven feet - so I ran and hid behind Gary. Yeah - I'm that brave. I also now have a very healthy respect of the very lovely and not so friendly Emu.

New Years Eve

Well, things aren't going well here in computerland in Australia. I have a couple of blogs I wanted to post, both having a fairly large video. I started the first one and actually waited 3 hours for the video to load. I knew it took longer here in Australia - they limit the upload / download speed. So - I started the other one and we headed off for a late breakfast and an early showing of 'The Lovely Bones' - I had read the book and wanted to see the show.

Got back and my computer due to disuse had shut itself down, so both uploads failed. Not cool - so I started them again. I am seriously assuming that they will not finish until 2o1o and that is if I keep my computer 'alive' the entire time. We will just have to see how it goes!

I am a bit ambivalent about this decade ending. Granted, it was ten times better than the 90's were to me and I am hoping the trend keeps.

As for resolutions, I have resolved to give them up. They set me up for disappointment and discouragement - a perfectionist and a almost non-attainable goal is not a pretty picture. Aim Low. That is my new motto.

Tonight will be fun. There is a party starting down the river at 3:00 pm and fireworks at 8:30 and at midnight. It should make for some new photo ops! We are apparently going to sit around like slugs until then, though. Go figure.

Well, in a few hours I will be in 2010 while for 16 - 19 hours y'all will still be in 2009. How weird is that? Ryan is feeling ripped. He says he lost his Monday and isn't getting it back until he goes home (backwards over the international date line) and that will be in 2010 - he says he is not so sure if he feels comfortable with extra time in a year that he doesn't know anything about. Could he come up with something more bizarre to complain about?

I am pretty sure he can ...

Talk to you in 2010 ...

Angry Owl - Part Deux ...

Went to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary today - apparently Ryan's number one thing on his list to do was cuddle with a koala:

And, of course, we had to go to the Birds of Prey show. My favorite show - I feel now that I have seen it multiple times that the birds are my friends.

Got more photos of my Number One All Time Favorite Bird (OK, it might be a tie between him and the Very Angry Cockatoo we ran in to in New Zealand) - I give you (don't remember her name)

Angry Owl:

Man, this lady does not seem to enjoy performing! She was on one today - she made this 'face' multiple times - if looks could kill ....

... we would all definitely have been dead!

Was a fun day. Off to Breakfast Creek Park for the best steak in Australia (you remember, the yellow building with the XXXX beer sign on the top)...

Déjà Vu All Over Again ...

Well, here we are in Gary's apartment in Brisbane, Australia. Really. I KNOW my photos look like I stole them from an earlier trip and I am currently sitting at my desk in the States, but really - we are here! I would have taken photos of both Gary and Ryan to prove it to you, but the both really, really hate it when I take pictures of them while lounging / sleeping in bed. Lazy butts.

Since the sun comes up at 4:15 am, I don't do well after that - my body screeches 'DAYLIGHT!!!' and won't stop until I get up and do something - so in reality, my boys aren't all that lazy - just sensible and still sleeping.

Yesterday they went grocery shopping so we would not starve and Ryan handed me the most beautiful white lilies muttering something about Dad saying he didn't dare break the tradition (I am SO mean - probably would have killed him in his sleep if he hadn't brought me flowers!).

And then a lovely surprise: glass on Brisbane River again. Smarter, I did not go jostle Gary awake screeching like it was Christmas morning and I had the latest and greatest electronic gadget under the tree - I just went and got my cameras and started snapping away:

But - I don't know if we are going to do anything different with Ryan here or just go hang out at our favorite haunts - so I'm hoping for a two-headed kangaroo or something equally exciting to capture with my cameras.

Here's to hoping ...

Got Here!

I am sitting here in my comfy computer chair in Gary's apartment enormously thrilled to be here in one piece and not have defiled any garbage cans nor myself on the way here. Super plus! I am going to rest today while Gary and Ryan 1) Go grocery shopping since there is no food in the apartment and 2) go bike riding on the river walk since both of them got grundles of sleep on the plane and I got nada.

While on the plane(s) I had a blog solidify for no apparent reason whatsoever:

Plane Blog:

Being the mother of a handicapped child has its ups and downs. Well, not really – it is, it seems to me, just really, really scary. Never knowing what is around the next corner (having never had a handicapped child before): what will the next hurdle be, the fear of the unknown and will I have the strength to make it through. And the ever present not quite attainable: ‘Good Mom’ status in my eyes - there is always something I am shirking, not doing right, being impatient about, and it is never more obvious than with a handicapped child just how crappy a mother you really are. But every new accomplishment – the joy is that much sweeter, never taken for granted – so maybe it cancels the other stuff out. Who knows – it just seems like a big, dark, thick, cloud of scary unknowns most days ….


Sunday:

We take off from Houston. I am sitting alone (sort of, Ryan is across the aisle, but pretty much in his own world of iPod) – an aisle seat, but I can see out the window if I lean forward. Right as we take off, we bank very sharply to the right – the side of the plane I am on and I can see an ocean of lights. It is beautiful – my Christmas lights, I decide. We are in such a position that they are reflecting off the top of the wing that I can see out the window also. Not putting much thought into how this could be happening and us actually staying in the air and not just spiraling down into a flaming ball of airplane mush, I marveled at the beauty and just enjoyed it until we leveled off. My little treat for the night.

I put on my noise cancelling headphones and attached it to my iPod. It was already playing: ABBA – I was listening to them before they were cool (was listening to them ever cool? Didn’t think so. I’m not real main stream if you have not figured that out …). And suddenly the most BIZARRE memory came crashing into my mind and was incredibly disturbing. As I sat on that plane and cried while ABBA sang in my ears, I thought of blogging about it, but remember writing about it – thus I had to have blogged about it, right? Then I realized that it was over two years ago and my blog is not that old. I had written updates daily to Gary and my friends and I believe that is what I am thinking of.

A little background. For my parents 50th wedding anniversary, they decided to take all 6 of their children, spouses and grandkids on a Disney Cruise. Sounds good, you say? But, oh, how I can make things complicated. It happened to be during school for Ryan and we had NEVER taken him out for vacation – he was not getting the grades to be able to skip a week. And then I found out – and was struck speechless and a little more than annoyed – that the Disney Cruise did not welcome nor invite nor encourage – rather said ‘no’ - to having an 18 year old handicapped person on the cruise. You heard me – Disney – said my Jessie was not welcome. Thus – Gary stayed home with the kids and I went – the evil daughter all alone while every single other member of my parents extended family showed up.

I bunked in a room with Marci and Patti (my sister and her partner) and that was fun and helped with the guilt I was feeling. Fast forward a few days – I had a lot of firsts on that cruise – first real cruise, first time to get my hair colored (and cut in years actually) and was all primped up and looking pretty for the program that night.

The program was about a girl in her bedroom where magical things happened. When Ariel (I think) appeared and they started to sing Jessie’s favorite song – I started to cry. I was APPALLED with myself, but she would have LOVED this! Damn them and their rules. Suddenly it was so much more. I was actually totally and completely heartbroken – and started to sob. I jumped up from my seat and in Cinderella fashion ran up the steps to the doors and to the doormen (sans the missing glass slipper). Sobbing I remember I said something like “Shame on you – you are all shits” – AS IF they had a clue what this hysterical woman was talking about and busted through the doors at a run.

Minnie was outside having photos taken with Mickey and children and she recognized me – she had come into the salon while I was there to get her plastic head ‘primped’. It was cute and we had a fun afternoon – but as she approached me I screamed at her something like: ‘Back off, Bitch” – seriously out of control. I could see things happening, it seemed like it was not me, but someone I was watching - totally deconstruct. The only thought in my head as I ran down to my room was ‘where do you think security is, they SO should have tackled me by now’. Wrote a quick note to Marci and Patti apologizing for being an ass, grabbed my computer bag (they had wi-fi) and escaped the room for the entire night.

I was horrified at what I had done – at my visceral reaction (which there must have been something to it as I sit here typing on my flight to Australia crying – people looking over sheepishly – Do I Give A Shit? No.). What was it about that night, that program, that song that seriously sent me over the edge in a way I have never experienced before or since? And I think it was just the love I have for my daughter and KNOWING she would have LOVED it, it would have been enchanting to her to watch and I could not give it to her.

After fleeing my bedroom, I found a very dark spot out on a deck, carried a deck chair over and was fascinated and calmed into peace by the most beautiful lightning storm that raged throughout the entire night. It was beautiful, it spanned the entire 180 degrees that I could see from my side of the ship.

At one point, sitting alone in the dark, I watched a man approach, climb onto the rail and look EXACTLY like he was going to jump into the frothy, cold inky black water below us. I held my breath not wanting to frighten him – and then too embarrassed to let him know I saw the whole thing. He didn’t jump. I don’t really know what he was doing. Just one more thing to add to my 'night of bizarre'. Seriously - how does someone get so incensed that they abuse Disney Characters?

Why ABBA brought that memory to me as we were flying out of Houston I don’t know. But thinking back I think that was my very biggest heartbreak FOR Jessie – not BECAUSE of Jessie. Big difference. I knew she would so love the cruise we were on – it would have been magical to her and here she was not invited and I saw the unfairness of it all. I so wanted to share what I was seeing with her, and I was being told that she was not welcome. I have never been more frustrated.

I have had a lot of heartbreaks because of Jessie – and this is not the time, place or forum to discuss them all, but for some reason – I decided to share my Crazy Cinderella moment escaping the staring eyes of people wondering why this woman was so heartbroken in the middle of a beautiful program.

This was by no means the hardest thing I have done because of Jessie, or most annoying thing that has happened to us – THAT prize probably goes to the adults that were making fun of the ‘retard’ in front of me, Jessie and their own kids at a McDonalds playland in Phoenix. If I hadn’t been so mortified, protective, incensed, etc I would have felt sorry for the kids – what chance of any sort of empathy were they going to have with parents that would do something as cruel as make fun of a beautiful mentally retarded 8 year old? But I digress – not the time or the place and why this memory is hitting my blog is beyond me.

But since I typed this up, I decided to share ...

Lucky You ...

Didnt think I would do it

I took a photo, but this won't let me upload. I am currently laying flat on the floor in the middle of LAX. No one is stopping me, Ryan is gone and Gary is in his 'travelling zone'. I don't think he even sees me down here. Feelin good and no barfing so far - *crosses fingers*.

Later ...

Does Not Bode Well ...

It is 11:30. One half hour into church and what am I doing? I just rolled out of bed to see how my stomach would take it ... this time. OK, so far.

So - the problem is I have been trying to get feeling better for DAYS and DAYS. I have laid in bed til boredom brought tears to my eyes, but I WAS GOING TO BE WELL ON SUNDAY - DANG IT. I had a plane (well two, really) to catch. And nothing was going to stop me from getting on it.

Gary has gently suggested that I postpone my trip until the middle of January - but there is one little wrinkle to this perfectly sane suggestion: RYAN IS COMING ... NOW. I won't miss out on vacation time with Gary and Ryan in Australia. This will be the only time Gary actually takes days off work to play. And they plan on doing some things I don't want to do: a water park - the beach is sort of scaring me after my (perceived) near drowning experience in Maui last year - so there are days I can just lounge around and surf (on the web) while they go play.

Ryan is off at church with Gary - which is a good thing, since he is walking around all worried about me. I told him I have a plan - it is extensive and well thought out - took me all night to figure it out:

1) I have checked Ryan and I in to our Continental flight from Houston to LAX and we are sort of sitting together, but not really. Gary has been upgraded to First Class - so while we lounge around with the goats and chickens, he will be eating dinner on fine china ... Not a biggie - I am over it. So I can basically ignore them up to this point ... I am pretty sure.

We are no where near each other on our flight from LAX to Brisbane - Ryan and I are checked in there also - I have no idea what Gary does to get on the plane - he has a gold card - so maybe a limo will pick him up and shuttle him to the next flight for all I know - never traveled with him to Australia. I am 3 sections of the plane in front of them (right across from the bathrooms - yeah!) and they are across the aisle from each other on row 70 - Gary in his favorite (economy) seat that affords just a titch more leg room for those 3 foot long thigh bones...

So - my plan basically entails ignoring them and pretending that we are not together. That way when someone sees me barf in a garbage can, or lie down in the middle of the floor in LAX - they won't have to shudder and mention sheepishly that they are with the sick, crazy lady.

It's a good start, yes?

and

2):

I found an old drug that I had to take for some time. For crazy people? No, but it should stop me from barfing in various garbage cans, which should help big time with the 'crazy' perception. It is a medication given to chemo patients for nausea and it stops EVERYTHING. You might still feel like you are going to barf, but the vagus nerve is deadened and so are the stomach muscles necessary to upchuck - thus keeping necessary nutrients in when you are going through chemo. Me? It won't be great - but I won't be kindly escorted out of the airport for barfing in a garbage can. Clever aren't I? I have six - enough to get me there and then some. Way cool.

So - in approximately five hours - I have to have my act together enough to sneak by Gary and Ryan the fact that I really would rather die than take a 4 hour flight to LA, schlep my bags a mile down two terminals, then take that wonderful 14 hour flight to Brisbane. But I would feel left out - so - I will go ... AND I WILL ENJOY IT!

Let you know how it turns out - on my Down Under Tuesday (your Monday) when I get there! (I know you are all breathlessly awaiting the news ...)

Going Green ...

Ahhh, the day after Christmas. Since I don't seem to enjoy the holiday - too many expectations, too much to do, to much anticipation - all building up to something that every year seemed anti-climatic and disappointing, so I decided to just ignore my feelings and go with the flow. Today is the day I start digging myself out of the funk I generally slip into.

And it is a fine day to start. All is well at the Hurst home. The usual is going on all over the place and it gives me warm fuzzies. Ryan is still asleep even though it is after noon, Jessie is safely ensconced in her 'home' with a new 'Family' collage of all of us hung on her wall (she is very excited to be back and looking forward to 'Mrs Randall' coming to get her in a few days) and Gary is in his 'shop' buzzing away - snorting sawdust - his natural high.

So, I'll survive. Until tomorrow when I fly to Australia with Gary and Ryan and have to hold my shit together - but if I can do it for my parents, I am assuming I can do it for my family ...

Today is cleanup - if I get off my Kindle long enough to actually decide I want to be productive (I'm reading a REALLY good book ...). So that when I get home in the middle of January - there will only be the detritus that Ryan leaves the week before on his way back to college - and since it will only be a day he is home before heading of to San Antonio - it won't be horrific (I hope).

So ... Going Green - has nothing to do with the day after Christmas (although I did use gift bags for all of our presents, did not put our names on any of them, gathered them up after the fun was had and will do it again next year. Very much the 'lazy man's gift wrapping' ...).

Gary built a set of shelves eons ago. Before we had kids, when we lived in our first home. I really liked them and we used them for quite a long time, being very versatile. I tried to find some photos of them and this is the best I could do. A long ago Christmas:

Jessie with wild, woofy hair, but a look at the top:

Even earlier - and only part showing:

I merged two photos together to make this unfortunate photo, but it shows the shelves. It is the last photo we ever took of them. We were photographing stuff in our house the week before the movers came to move our stuff to storage and to Norway. It was supposed to go to a climate controlled storage unit, but to our chagrin, it arrived in Norway - with no where to put it. Thus we stored it in the basement for two years - with it freezing every year as winter set in. Not exactly good conditions for a set of shelves.

Fast forward two years and we are in our new house in Richmond. Gary reinforces our 3+ car garage ceiling and puts down a floor, a drop down staircase and a trap door complete with a pulley system and off goes everything we don't want to deal with into our brand new attic space. Our 14 foot lockers of Christmas, the shelves - in the original packing the movers packed it in - and grundles of other stuff.

Fast forward three more years (ok, maybe 2 or 2 and a half) and Ryan is heading off to college and wants the shelves. We forgo looking them thinking if they are a complete mess, Gary will fix them on the spot in San Antonio and off they go in the back of the truck to San Antonio.

They were a mess - the box units up there that you see had cracked open in various places and Gary realized that he would need his clamps to fix them, so back in the truck to Richmond and Gary tried to fix them - leaving the other parts with Ryan in San Antonio.

It didn't take Gary long to realize that they were not fixable and our beloved shelf set was garbage. Gary told him to bring all the shelves back when he came at Christmas, then set about chopping up the wood, planeing it and piling it and setting it off to the side to use ... for something - he hated to throw all that beautiful oak away.

Enter Ryan and his perusing the internet for a set of shelves he wanted dad to build him. He hits upon some shelves at www.urbanoutfitters.com that were very clever - called Stockholm (here) and looked very Scandinavian - except they were very dark wood and most Scandinavian wood is quite light.

Gary looked at the design and realized not only could he duplicate it down to the smallest detail - he could use the wood he saved from the shelf unit and no more - he would use it all and not need any new wood and could make Ryan 2 and 1/2 units. They are 4 small tables stacked one on top of the other (and hopefully hooked somehow - I have not got into the finer details of this project). He can stack them 4 high, 3 high, 2 high and sit them side by side for an entertainment system - use them as end tables, bed side tables, what ever he wants to do with them and has about 10 or more of them - I am a little confused as to how many he is actually making - I thought it was 15 or something he muttered the other day - but doing the math (OK, maybe he is getting 3 and a half shelves - but I think not ...).

So, very versatile, a ghost of their previous selves, and beautiful to boot! I think I will keep Gary around ...

So, we are trying to do our part in recycling. I am glad it worked out. If it hadn't, well it probably would have been kindling for a fire ...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, y'all! For all you out there celebrating Christmas hope you have a day filled with family, food and gifts!

We had a small Christmas morning - minus decorations - but Christmas Cheer was high - that comes from having a perpetual 3 year old in the house - Santa is possible, reindeer's still fly and Christmas is still a magical time.

Although when said 3'ish year old goes to live on 'her own' she does not play with toys and her mom was told she needed jammies. Thus she got jammies and some other clothes. OK, I am not a complete bitch - she got some toys ... some little ones.

But, she might have been jammied out at the end:

And when she got a shirt:

We had a rule this year. A RULE. Gary came up with it (remember that). Since we were counting our trip to Australia as Christmas (we really didn't know what else to give the family ...) we had a limit of $35.00 for each other and had to THINK. Since we just buy what we want, this was a difficulty. I WAS GOOD. I got Dad a dresser valet (container?) so he didn't have to use a Tupperware dish on his dresser for all his crap. Ryan got him sunglasses and a CD. I spend HOURS thinking up something and the best I could do .... a calendar - complete with my favorite pictures of 2009. Yeah - a CALENDAR. But I put my heart in it.

They ... CHEATED. They decided I was impossible to buy for and got me a nearly $300.00 Kindle. Not that I don't LOVE IT. But they seriously got the math wrong. Calendar / Kindle ... man - I'm such a loser.

On a brighter note - we got our picture hung last night and I had a wonderful night sleeping beneath the beautiful New Zealand skies, water and mountains ...

Hope your day is great ... I'm off to play with my Kindle (get me a gadget and I am in heaven for quite some time!)

Home 'Art' Projects

Well, Gary and I decided last night to suck it up, stop being afraid of our latest project, bite the bullet and finish it.

We had made something called a 'gallery wrap' for my father a couple of years ago. I had photoshopped a picture of him at a famous rock in Norway - taking out all the other people - and had it printed onto canvas. Gary had made a frame and we stretched the canvas onto the frame and sent it on to my parents ... who I believe had to re-stretch it. Lesson learned.

So - we were walking around Brisbane a few months ago and ran into a print shop that had a picture hanging on the wall - in three parts - a gallery wrap. The clincher here was that each picture had to match up at the edges and extend to wrap around to the back. It was one continous photo broken into four pieces.

We stood there and stared at the photo for a long time - deciding that 'we could do that'. And Gary said I just needed to come up with a photo.

So a few weeks ago - I did the math and calculated what we needed to make a huge 4' x 6' photo to hang above our bed from a photo I took at Milford Sound. Crossed my fingers and ordered $200.00 worth of canvass hoping we knew what we were doing.

Gary flies into the states and starts the next phase - making the frames we are going to stretch them on. Plus, he had ordered canvas stretching tools so that we could 'professionally' stretch the canvas when it was time.

Well, the frames have been made for days and we have been chickens, not really knowing how to match up the sides so that the picture is a smooth, continuous picture on the top of the canvas, although there is 'extra' photo overlapping the edges and wrapping around to the back.

So last night we decided to get it done. We did the first middle piece and it looked so nice we were excited to get it finished. We still didn't know how we were going to get them to match - so Gary went with a mathematical formula that he was working in his head. Seriously, I have no clue what he was doing - he just kept muttering numbers, writing them down, subtracting something from something else and voila! A number would emerge that he would mark on the back of the frame and we would pull the canvass to that line and start with the staple gun.

It worked fine (with a few bad calculations thrown in just to keep us on our toes). And here is our final result:

Close up of the wrap on the sides. You need to crop the photo in different places to have overlap - a more confusing concept to me than it should have been. I had to diagram it out to make sure I was getting it right:

And we were to tired to hang it in its place of honor: above our bed (which, I might add is my MOST FAVORITE piece of furniture Gary has built me so far ...):

Yeah, I know the bed is a mess - Gary and Charlie are still in it ... (OK, and my side does not look so great - I haven't picked up for the day day - so sue me ...)

The Post that Wouldn't Be ...

The blogger gods are against me tonight - or for me - I am not really sure. I have started a post twice and they have been broken in ways that are too annoying & unimportant to go into and I have given up on them.

The first was whiny, the second - rambling. So why attempt a third? I have no freakin clue ...

The problem - something is wrong with me and I can't figure out what.

To start with, and I think a large reason for my ... whatever ... is that the following is the sum total of my Christmas decorations thus far:

Yeah, it's a nativity. OK, a very cool nativity. I bought it at a beautiful church in Christchurch, New Zealand, ran the gauntlet (well, Gary actually did this part) of the Australia customs officials and got it home in one piece to Texas. It is beautiful, hand carved olive wood made in the Holy Land and is precious.

But - all I have?

OK, there is this:

Another beautiful Nativity that is hand carved Italian - that I bought across the street from the Vatican - but I keep it up all year it is so lovely so I don't think I can count it.

So - my question - what is wrong with me?

Instead of decorating last week, I chose to lie about in bed and barf a lot. I think given the two choices ... well, I don't really know which one sounds more pleasant - constant vomiting or decorating for Christmas - I like decorating THAT MUCH.

But, still, I DO IT. Until this year. Hmmm? There is the problem that Gary will not help me get containers out of the attic. Harsh? You say? Maybe - but he realizes that anything that I put up, I have to take down alone - when I get back from Australia. We are leaving a couple of days after Christmas and I am not coming home with Ryan, I am staying a week later and coming home to an empty house. He is smart enough to know that chances are high that all the decorations would still be up when he arrives some time in February - thus the - 'I am on my own' theory - that I won't do more than I can undo.

But, ?

But, what? There is part of my mind with a very small voice saying 'Is this really a tragedy?', 'Is it that important?'. And my answer is always 'no'. I don't need Christmas lights and baubles to get into the holiday spirit, I don't need them to show Christ that I am serious about Christmas, I don't need them to really have a beautiful Christmas and keep those things that are of utmost importance number one during this time when things could slide ...

But another part of me is saying this is all a huge, stinking pile of crap. I love my house decorated for Christmas. All the lights off, the Christmas tree glowing, candles burning and beautiful Christmas music playing. It brings me peace. It gets me in the spirit. It is beautiful.

So who knows which voice is right and which voice is wrong. My guess is neither - they are both right. My house decked out for the holidays does get me in the spirit - but maybe it is not necessary to get me in the spirit. Why don't I know? Because I have never not decorated. OK, the first Christmas we lived in Norway we were heading to Gary's mothers for Christmas and we did not decorate - but living in a freaking cabin at the top of a mountain blanketed in snow after living in Houston for 16 years - that WAS decoration!

Tomorrow will be two days before Christmas and I really don't see myself decorating then ... seems a waste - and there is that taking down part. So I don't see it happening. I seem very conflicted over a tree and a few stockings, yes? And I really don't know why. What is wrong with me?

Is it that I am letting my family down and just another item to add to my list of failures as a wife and mother, or am I just being neurotic?

I really think I can enjoy this holiday without all the 'trimmings'. But do I force my entire family to do the same? Well, I guess I do - since that is what is happening ...

OK, this is as rambling and whiny as the other two put together! Cool - didn't think it was possible. I'll stop now.

Twenty Eight Years Ago Today ...

... I was a wee young'un and I got married. Boy, don't we look young?

I was in college and was never going to get married. Just get into medical school, become a doctor and die a spinster. A fine plan ... as plans go. But he turned my life up-side-down and quickly I realized that he was 'the one' and that my life plan was going to change - big time!

His dad thought we were too young, I was too young. That we would go the way of all young couples, I would get pregnant, drop out of school and that was no good. Education was very important to him. What he didn't realize at the time, but quickly came around ... was that education, my education, was important to ME. More important than he probably realized.

It worked out. I changed my major to something more accommodating. I needed / wanted to graduate before Gary was graduated and headed off to graduate school since I didn't want to transfer credits - so I doubled up my Calculus 202 and Calculus 203 and dug in.

The day we graduated with our Bachelors of Science:

Still babies! Yes?

We went to California, I worked at the Jet Propulsion Lab and he went to Cal Tech. Came back to Utah and built our first home:

And STILL we look like babies!

Then it happened. Jessie was born and my life went from 'Top of my Game', 'I can do anything', 'Super Computer Girl in a sea of Men' - take your pick - to ... well: 'Hell'. Learned a new vocabulary, words like 'in-utero bleed', 'mytopic suture', 'ventral septal defect' and my new home became the hospital.

Maybe that is when the aging process began.

We went through some tough times, and some tougher times and some happy times and some times that were indescribably joyful - you don't know how good life really, really is unless you know how shitty life can be.

And in a blink of an eye, we have two children who tower over me, I have 13 Christmas angels for my daughter in the cemetery up the street - and now:

We look old!
But happy!

I am not an easy woman to live with. Sick all the time, annoying, you name it - and still - he stays! It is the wonder of my life. And I am so grateful for him and all he does:

And as we were driving home from a wonderful dinner in a wonderful restaurant, he said: 'Here's to 28 years and at least 32 more' (apparently he only bought an 80 year old warrenty he said) and the first thing that came to mind was the wonder and awe that he was willing to put up with me!

Love you, happy anniversary and here's to growing old(er) together!

The Downside of Christmas

Well, I have been flat in bed for days and unable to do much of anything except make Ryan do my bidding (such a good son).

Gary got home today and he is all I want for Christmas!!

Unfortunately that might not cut it for my children (although they will be happy he is home ...) and I have not really started with Christmas. Not decorated - that just might slide ... Not shopped - ugh - and anything from Amazon has to be purchased ... well - soon.

Tomorrow is going to be ugly ...

But then again - I am not that brave - the last weekend before Christmas? I don't do that. I will venture out ... tentatively on Monday .. or Tuesday - or maybe we will just forget the whole thing ...

There's My Girl

Walk through my house and you might notice something strange.

OK, let me start over ... 'strange' is not in short supply at my home. You might notice that there are no family portraits, photos of the kids growing up, etc. Just a heartless, cruel, horrible mother? Well, yes, but also - Jessie is not 'photogenic'. I don't mean that in a heartless, cruel, horrible way - I mean that she never looks like 'Jessie' in her photo. She tries to pose, or talks or something else and, well, she looks mentally retarded in the photo.

Since she is mentally retarded, this should not be an issue with me - and it's not that. It's that she does not look like Jessie: the every day, have a conversation with her, Jessie. She looks ... off. And it bothers me. I want a picture of Jessie on the wall, not the stare she gives the camera. So no photos.

At graduation in May, Dad and I were trying to figure out how to get a good photo of Jessie. We kept taking the shot, then a second after the camera clicks, she relaxed her face and we were frustrated that we kept missing it. My mother said: "Why don't you put it on the sports setting?" And we both stared at each other wondering why we were being so stupid. On the sports setting it will take shot after shot as long as you are holding down the button (or it has to catch its breath). This way we could catch that 'after' look - the normal Jessie.

We got some good shots (thanks mom).

Today, I grabbed the camera and decided to have a conversation with Jessie all the while shooting my camera and see what I got. Of course I didn't think of the 'backdrop' (I don't do people) and the lighting was crap - but I was determined. Neither of us have had the patience before now (since May).

I took 473 photos and in there ... I found my Jessie!

She is beautiful.

Sleep, Balance Checkbook, Clean the Kitchen ...

Play with Charlie, Read, Actually Make a Christmas Shopping List, Floss, Take Out the Garbage, Charge my Laptop Battery, Clean Out My E-mail Inbox, Fix the Drive Switch-a-roo That I Did Last Night, Check for Expired Food in the Pantry.

Yes, it is a list.

A list of things that would have been better use of my time than what I actually did:

They are even photos that I have posted before ...

I'm addicted to playing in Photoshop.

Do You Have Room?

My brother sent me a 'gift' this evening and I wanted to pass this gift along. I haven't really got into the 'spirit' of Christmas yet - too much after travel catchup, too much what to get him, too much what to get her, too much Christmas decoration avoidance ... it just all gets in the way. But every Christmas, well, I can't remember all of them, so maybe most every Christmas, there comes a time - a moment in time - when Christmas becomes ... well - Christmas. What it is meant to be. Like a light switch. Suddenly it turns on and all the distractions disappear. It is brief, it is beautiful ... I wish it would stay. It's like a Christmas light shining through one of my Swarovski ornaments bursting with brilliant rays of color rather than the dim light shining through a cheap glass angel.

It makes me feel good, just briefly, since I am one of the many that seems to be depressed at Christmas, overwhelmed at Christmas, annoyed at 'Christmas' - but I can sit back and remember - that moment - The Moment, and the dark swirlies go away - if only for a minute. It is enough.

This was My Moment.

(And for my non-Christian friends - I hope I have not offended or annoyed)

I hope you find your 'Moment' and find room ....

Kea 101

The Kea - (Nestor notabilis) is one of seven parrot species endemic to New Zealand. If I had my way this would be the official bird of New Zealand (friggin' nocturnal non-existant kiwi ...). Why, you ask? Well, I will tell you ....

they are one big blue, green, invisible orange, sneaky, picky, smart, cute, begging ball of awesomeness!

The first time we saw a Kea we had pulled into a parking lot - I am unsure if it was a 'mother nature' potty break or just for photos - they all sort of mesh together after so many - but there was this baby and a momma cavorting about with another car and its occupants.

My mother had just read up on this very bird at the visitors center some 10 kms behind us so we knew what they were called. We were also informed that you are not supposed to feed them ... as they batted their non-existant eyelashes and held their stomachs in hunger.

This was not our only sighting - they are sort of like bears were in Yellowstone, back when there were bears in Yellowstone and people hand fed them. And they might not look like it from the photos - you definitely have to take into account their personality, but I am sure in clinical trials you would get the same 'awwwwww' from a kea as you would a baby panda (personality folks ...).They hung out where people hung out and were VERY inquisitive. In Wiki it states: "Kea are legendary for their intelligence and curiosity, both vital to their survival in a harsh mountain environment. Kea can solve logical puzzles, such as pushing and pulling things in a certain order to get to food, and will work together to achieve a certain objective." Their objective, from what I saw, for the most part, was begging for food - and doing a damn fine job of it!A Kea with a parking lot as a background - very, very familiar:

A Kea in the wild!!! Actually he just jumped off the parking lot onto a rock so I snapped a shot ...

Here we found two Kea's eating something on the ground beside a couple who appeared to be picnicking from the back of their car. Their 'story' is that one of their tuna-fish sandwiches fell on the ground - thus the Kea police were not going to fine them, or flog them or what ever happens if you get caught feeding a Kea - and the Kea's started eating it. The fun part was watching them suck off the tuna fish 'juice' from the red peppers that apparently these folks deemed part of a tuna fish sandwich - then spit them out.

One of their favorite places to hang were the mirrors. They would peer into your car with that 'my baby is starving back at the nest' look.

But so pretty:

A Kea in flight! And the otherwise invisible orange appears! Not a great shot - but they didn't really take flight that often - lazy buggers. I chased a few (OK, I'm not proud of it) to try to get them to fly off so I could take a photo but they just ran/waddled.

This has to be the laziest pair of Kea's on the entire island. The people in the car wanted to go, and since they were surrounded by people ooohing and ahhing they were timid about pulling out. I was excited since I was going to get a shot of a Kea in flight: bird -vs- speeding car - bird will always lose. But from where I stood, no lie, that car drove off with two Kea hunkered down (aerodynamically I am sure) until it rounded the corner a very long way off! Maybe just surfing? But if you can fly, what would be the thrill in that? Go figure - Kea's are weird.


But ... pretty:

See that duct tape to the right of the Kea below? For some inexplicable reason - apparently it didn't all need to be there since seconds after taking this shot, the Kea looked up ... and I guess decided it would be a good time to rip it to shreds (it stopped - there was some left - we didn't have to report it to the rental car people). Yeah - he is peeking in at Gary - or more likely was telecommuning that he needed a cracker ...

Gary: "No, officer, I don't feed the Kea's - that would be wrong."

But, damn - who can say no to the killer 'head tilt'?

And here she is:

my elusive 'Kea in flight' photo!

There now, everything you ever needed to know about this funny, strange parrot and you didn't even ask!