As Per My Promise to Gary ...

I have received a coupled of e-mails concerning my well being (OK, I received one and Gary received one ...). Thank you for your concern - I have felt very, very isolated for the past two weeks and your concern was appreciated.

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Gary DEMANDED that I blog today. A brave man, since last time it turned into a whiny mini-rant ...

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So - here's an update:

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The doors are still locked.

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The windows are still shuttered.

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The phones are still turned off.

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But I am hanging in there!

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I should not admit this, but what are blogs for? Since Gary left I have left my home a total of three times - a Dr. appointment, to go visit Jessie, and Jessie's dismissal meeting. Other than that - I have rarely come out of my bedroom. I know it does not look good, but I have been doing a lot if thinking.

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One thing that happened is I had an epiphany of sorts about my blog. As pertaining to the blog - what am I doing? Who cares about my life and what I have to say? Seriously? All of a sudden I was feeling very ashamed at being so vain and narcissistic - and, well stupid. I have sort of lost the taste for blogging.

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I can see who looks at my blog - and every now and then, these past two weeks I have looked at the report. Some of you day after day would check to see if I had blogged and it made me feel ... loved, but I felt bad because of my inability to write anything of worth anymore. It was very kind of you to check on me (and you know who you are) it made me feel very good and I want to say thank you for your concern - but I am fine.

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I have to admit that I did a lot of staring at the fan, and the combo of my husband being in Iraq and my daughter a) flipping out and b) moving have probably exacerbated my situation and that this is very unusual for me - especially for the length of time it has gone on.

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It has given me a chance to dust off my 'coping' skills from way back in another life when I was in trouble mentally and all alone. Tricks, things to do to not sink deeper into ... what? Depression? Despair? Loneliness? What ever it is - it is getting better. One trick: One evening feeling very alone and desperate - I downloaded the Netflix app onto my iPad.

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And, oh my goodness! This non-television watching person has become an addict! So I have upgraded my situation from staring at the fan circling to obsessively watching old Law & Order's.

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It has done wonders for my mental health. Nothing like mindless trash to block out all obsessive thoughts about husbands in danger and my fitness as a mother ...

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So, see? Everything is going to be OK! I have literally YEARS of Law & Order series to keep me company through the worst of the worst.

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Gary will be home on Friday and that wont hurt either! In fact - just having him home should snap me out of it. Having a human to speak to should make a difference ... I am counting on it!

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So - everyone ... I am good.

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Not great - but doing rather well and convinced that this will all be over soon.

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I can feel it in my bones.

(Sorry about the '.'s and the empty lines - my formatting refuses to work ... maybe it is a sign to quit ...)

Sandstorm in Iraq

Gary took this pic with his Blackberry of a sandstorm hitting the compound he is at in Iraq:

He said that everything after was covered in a layer of dust and that he was probably having dirt for dinner.


When asked what it is like he said:

"It is like Scout Camp, but the counselors are wearing full body armor and carrying guns."

Probably not what he had in mind ...

Gary is currently at 32,000 feet (or thereabouts) on his way to Dubai. That is his jumping off point into Iraq. He will be gone eleven days.


Eleven days.


Not that I am counting or anything ...


As he left this morning and gave me a hug and a kiss, he told me I had to blog daily so he would know how I was doing.




Seriously?



Really?



You want me to blog right now?




Ok.



Yesterday we had Jessie per our usual Sunday schedule. To make a horrific, heartbreaking, horrible long story short - Jessie proceeded to shatter my heart into a thousand pieces. I don't know if I will ever be able to find them all and get it put back together again ...

Sometimes a mothers love is just too much to bear ... especially when you are lost in the deepest and darkest parts of shadowland.

So - I have a plan:

I have locked the doors.


I have shuttered the windows.


I have turned off the phones.


And I am going to try every trick in my book to find my way out of this mess ...


Until then ....




Over and Out.

Dantes Third Level of Hell

I am sure it comes as no surprise to anyone reading my blog that I have been trapped in shadowland for some time now. Can't really even remember when I actually fell down the rabbit hole ...

It's not like I haven't tried to find my way out - self help, doctors, pharmaceuticals - but ... here I wander ... wondering when I will see blue skies again. I realized this morning what I miss the most:


Joy


There is no joy in shadowland. No getting excited about photography, my photography books, my family, new gizmos - I got a new iPad 2 the other day and I just stare at it wondering why I have it.


I miss joy.


I want it back.


Yesterday I found out that shadowland has levels.

Who knew?

Somehow I fell down another hole


- one that I would rather not slip into again. A darker, more sinister level. Didn't see Cerberus - maybe next time I will have that pleasure ...

I found out yesterday what serious depression was like as I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling fan spin - for hours. No emotion, no movement, just a screaming in my head to get up and DO SOMETHING! And I couldn't. I just lie there staring at nothing hour after hour after hour - alternating between the screaming to get up and do something and having my mind completely and utterly blank ... I don't know which one I found more disturbing.

Ryan is home for spring break and can tell something is wrong. Yesterday he kept bringing me Sonic drinks (that I couldn't be bothered to drink) and asking if everything was OK, I tell him that I am fine - but he has not seen me out of bed since he arrived ...

Gary came home to find me this way and had told me about his trip to Iraq was going to maybe be longer than he thought. He leaves next Monday and instead of returning the following Monday it would be until the Friday after that. Tears dribbled from my eyes as he said he was worried about me and that he could postpone the trip. I told him not to, that I would be fine.

I was impressed


the tears ...


it was the first bit of emotion that I had encountered in about 24 hours. It felt monumental.

I will be fine while he is gone. At least the guilt isn't there - it is sort of like the tree falling in the woods. If you are a shitty homemaker, wife, person, mother and no one is there to see it, is it really true?

I woke up this morning speaking in complete sentences. That was a good sign - yesterday all I could muster was one word replies or nothing at all. So maybe I have found my way back to my familiar shadowland - I would be happy about that if I could muster up the energy to be happy about anything - but I do feel a titch of relief


that counts ...


right?

In the mood for flowers ...

Woke up to rain this morning. It cleared up, but still felt gloomy to me.

I spent some time getting hotel reservations and airline tickets for our summer vacation for a family reunion with my family. We are headed to Island Park near Yellowstone and everyone should be safe from my craziness since Gary and I will be staying in a separate cabin. So "Yay's" all round!

I was pining away for flower photos today and wishing I was on a Texas Spring Flower Trip when I remembered the cutest little set of cabins up by Yellowstone also. So I decided in honor of my summer trip plans being done ... I could play with the flower photos from the cute Bed and Breakfast like place right next to Mormon Row.

Mormon Row is smack dab in the middle of the most picturesque place in Wyoming.

With the Tetons as their backdrop:

You will find multiple old buildings - including a couple of barns:

The place is teeming with bison - and we were stupid enough to get this close to photograph them (note Gary on the opposite side taking photos also):

But right across the road is the cutest set of cabins - with beautiful surrounds.

I spent some time taking photos there - and it should give me my flower fix until I find some in the hill country around these here parts:

The next two days Gary and I are attending a financial planning class for Exxonmobil employees who are nearing retirement.

Something tells me that it is not going to have many photo ops ...

A Cure for Nightmares

I dream.


A lot.


Every night my subconscious goes bananas and I find myself in all sorts of predicaments. Creepy, scary, uncomfortable predicaments.

Is it me?


Or is this normal?

Maybe other people dream of rainbows and unicorns - but my dreams are significantly ... well ... darker. I don't know why. This probably says something about me.

Something not very flattering.

Sometimes they get so bad, I decide that staying up all night is preferable. This has its down sides.

Sleep deprivation makes me stupid.

Kindle now has software that lets you read your Kindle books on a computer, an iTouch, an iPad ... pretty much on any electronic device you own. It also has this cool feature that when you switch from one electronic gizmo to another - it automatically syncs you to where you were last reading - so no searching for your spot.

I have been reading lately.


A lot.


I have been worried lately.


A lot.


This has lead to some unpleasant dreams. Frantic, disturbing, sad dreams.

I used to get up and head to the computer when I decided that sleep was eluding me, or that I was avoiding sleep. Now - I grab my trusty iTouch with its backlit screen and open my current book, and just read. Since I don't need to turn on any lights to do this, Gary is not bothered and I don't get lectured for this ... like I sort of do when he finds me in front of the computer at four in the morning.


I read through the night.


I have been doing this for two weeks now and I have noticed that the nightmares have stopped!


I read ... I see one o'clock roll around ... read some more ... two o'clock ... read some more and discover that ... hmmmm that wasn't in the book. I have dropped off to sleep - but my subconscious makes up 'the rest of the story' and my mind continues on without me.

I start reading again upon waking. Four o'clock rolls around ... read some more ... five o'clock ... and off on more bizarre adventures with the characters from my book!

Granted ... I am not getting much sleep - but, OH! What fun I am having.

I am not sure how much sleep I am getting, but some. I have not crashed and burned from lack of sleep, and I don't feel stupid ... but that just might be me ...

So - I am headed to bed. And since I finished my last book a few hours ago - get to go perusing through my Kindle library of about 20 books that I have waiting for me to read.

I am pretty sure it is not going to be that Stephen King novel ...

Yee Haw!!

Had a surprisingly wonderful time tonight. It was through Gary's work and I was not sure how uncomfortable I would be surrounded by strangers - but it was nice and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. Unusual - for me ...

I don't believe I have ever been to the Reliant Stadium:

The rodeo was not bad ... being a rodeo and all ...



I did enjoy the mad scramble for kids to catch (? wrangle ?) a calf:

There was also a grundle of little 5 - 6 year olds that would be placed on top of a lamb and hold on for dear life as it started running. The goal was to stay on as long as possible. I forget what it was called, but was a hoot - although it did look dangerous as when they fell off the running animal, they were trampled more often than not. I am assuming their parents approved of this activity ... one more thing I don't get about rodeos ...

The concert was after and the entertainment was Lady Antebellum. I took this photo with my iTouch just to see how it would do - so the photo is a bit grainy:

We then snuck out 15 minutes early to be in front of the other 75,000 people in attendance. I snapped a shot of the carnival as we were headed back to the car:

The dinner was nice before the rodeo started. We were in a private section with a room in the back where the food and unlimited drinks were available for the entirety. It made things extra nice!

I think that is the first time I have been to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo and can honestly say that I wouldn't mind going again. Still ...

... so not gonna wear a cowboy hat!

Random Photo

Bored ....

Trying to be supportive of Gary - who is currently at his desk doing something he loathes - and I am making sure he finishes ...

So - playing around with photos. I liked this photo from Mesa, AZ:

It has absolutely nothing to do with anything ...

Apparently I am still having blog block.

We are headed to the Rodeo tomorrow for Gary's work. I am not a Rodeo type of gal ... but we are in one of those suite thingys - what are they called? You are up in the air in some box and they serve dinner. Maybe I will get some photos there ...

Kaleidoscope Heart

It took me until today ... approximately 18 books ... 6 sleepless nights (out of 11) ... so many mini panic attacks I lost count ... to call about Jessie and find out what happens next.

I truly don't know why this has been such a problem for me. This is the right thing to do. The next step in Jessie's transition into adulthood. The people are kind, the house is cute, the reviews stellar. So - somewhere in my logical brain - I know this is good. Why I am so panicked is beyond me - although each day I seem to be doing a bit better than the last.

Next step is her Discharge Meeting at RSS on March 28th. Seems to me it could have been done sooner - but someone is on vacation - or something like that, I was not paying attention. There we will set everything up for a smooth transition to her Pretty Little House. What this does is give me a bit of time to get my act together.

I will get there ...


... but - ready or not - Jessie WILL be moving.

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I seem to be doing a bit better - more functional. I still average a book a day - so still a slug - but I am accomplishing more that that in the day.

I was thrilled this week when I got an e-mail from someone who wanted to buy a photo of mine. They referenced it by the photo in my blog. What is interesting is that it was back in a March 2009 post. How they even remembered this photo is beyond me! That she says it takes her breath away every time she sees it makes her one of my most favorite people!

I decided that today, among other things, I would get serious about a watermark for my photos.

It turned out to be much more difficult than I imagined it would be!I had some from previous attempts and reworked them today, but don't really like them:


So, I started from scratch and designed something much simpler:

It is keeper ...

for now.

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I have truly missed blogging. Weird, I know, but for some reason - for these past two weeks, I would sit and sit with the 'new post' page up - and could come up with NOTHING TO SAY.

That has NEVER happened to me before!

We will see how it goes ....

Bleh ...

Apparently 'Blog Block' is a common side effect to being in a funk. I have been sitting here with my blog post open for 10 minutes and I cannot think of single thing to say ....

I did, however, come up with a theory for my funk. Well, lets back up - I have been calling it a 'funk'. I get depressed and fall down the rabbits hole into shadowland more often that I would prefer - but this feels different. It's depression ... that has mutated ... I haven't quite figured it out.

But - I realized this week that part of my problem is I am not travelling to Australia anymore. Sure - it was hard, and I got sick - but it was AN ADVENTURE! I was travelling, seeing new places, taking photos! Currently on my calendar ...



... nothing. Nothing in the near future, nothing on the horizon. A whole lot a nothing. I believe it is that nothingness that has me in a funk.

Hopefully I will snap out of it. Gary is home, so I am feeling almost 'normal'. And now, being aware that having nothing on my agenda just might not be the healthiest thing for me - maybe it will prod me into filling up my calendar more ...


... or maybe not.

In a slump ...

Still in a slump - I don't know what it is going to take to knock me out of this. Gary coming home would be a good start.

Although if everything goes as scheduled, he will come home from Dubai just to turn around next week and head to Iraq.

Somehow ... not helping ....

San Xavier del Bac Mission

Well, hard as I try to avoid life by reading books, I still seem to be around. My mind has been on a roller coaster ride of panic over Jessie and whether or not I made the right decision. To avoid all the 'what if's' I have been reading books. I have finished 9 books since last Tuesday. I haven't accomplished much else and today I told myself I needed to start acting like a responsible adult again.

In addition, Gary called a couple of hours ago and said he is headed to Dubai tomorrow until Saturday - so I will be alone and need to be able to do that (be alone) and still function ...

So - I thought that I would finish off my Arizona Adventure with my photos the San Xavier Mission.

The San Xavier Mission was founded as a Catholic mission by Father Eusebio Kino in 1692. Construction of the current church began in 1783 and was completed in 1797.

It is beautiful and they had scaffolding up to clean ... well my dad said clean, but the web site says they have been removing the earlier coating of cement plaster, repairing the historic brickwork beneath and re-finishing the exterior surface with a traditional lime plaster - so more than cleaning.

Anyhooo ... they ran out of funding and the left tower is complete - and sparkly white whereas the right tower is not. I am just happy there was no scaffolding mucking up my photos ... but I wish them well in getting more funding ...

We arrived on a Sunday afternoon. Services were over, but it was crowded with sightseers. You have NO IDEA how long I stood waiting for a shot of the church without anyone in it.

I got two:

Interior:

Ceiling:

More waiting, but got my shot:

Beautiful tree, bench, artwork combo ... yes? (Too bad I removed a water faucet and an entire drinking fountain to get this ...):

It was a beautiful place and called 'The White Dove of the Desert' which makes my ginormous angel I bought here all the more meaningful - she is holding a bird:

So ... that's it for my Arizona photos ... unless I go through them and find random ones I would like to share ...

Here's to hoping that a week without Gary and no blog fodder doesn't send me over the edge ...

HDR and Tombstone ...

Arizona ... Arizona ... Arizona? When was I in Arizona? It seems like a lifetime ago so putting photos on from the trip seems odd. But I realize that it is my brain that is malfunctioning, not that it has been all that long ...

Gary flew to Utah to ski yesterday and Jessie is doing her stint in her Pretty Little House - and apparently having a ball and getting all of the staff to fall in love with her - so I need to get my brain around the fact that Jessie will be living in her Pretty Little House - most likely - sometime in the near future.

Switching her to this home feels right ... but there is always that little alarmist inside of me shrieking "But what if it's not?". Sometimes the little voice is louder than other times - and right now it is clamoring to be heard. What if this is not right? What do we do? Have we lost that tether to Richmond State School? I haven't even asked ... This can escalate into panic rather quickly for me and when Gary is gone - my natural Valium - things can get a little ... dicey ...

So - not to Stark Raving Mad as predicted in an earlier post for today, but I might be there in a day or so ...

And what do I do when I am tense and panicked?


Yes.



I open my books. Usually about photoshop - but always about photography. This time I have been studying a photo technique called HDR - High Dynamic Range Imaging. In this technique - you take a series of 'bracketed' photos - at differing exposures - normal exposure one over exposed and one under exposed (or two over and two under for a total of 5) at a specific interval.

This collects more information on light and shadows than does one photo. You then pull all (in my case) three photos into Photoshop using the HDR process and out comes a rather funky looking photo. I have been intrigued by HDR photos for some time - and want to shoot 'in HDR' for a while and see if I can get something that looks good.

Today I just went through the motions so that in a real setting - I would know how to set up my camera, pull it in to photoshop, etc.

I know these are abominable - so for some examples of GOOD HDR photos - Stuck in Customs is a good place to go and see what I am aspiring to do ...

Here are my three shots:

And here is one way to make it into an HDR:

I obviously don't know what I am doing and there are a ton of adjustments you can make and right now I don't know what does what so just getting my feet wet ...

Here are my tulips from Gary (having seen better days) with more of an HDR look to them

Here is the 'normal' exposure for this photo. You can see where the program took the light information for the shrubs behind the tulips from the overexposed photo and pulled it into the HDR photo - showing much more detail ...


So - I thought I would share ...



Tombstone:


I am not all that impressed with my photos of Tombstone and lost all interest in Boot Hill, but would like to make a post on San Xavier and that was AFTER Tombstone - so I have snuck it in here to be rid of it!

I believe this was supposed to be Doc Holliday - he looked sickly and never smiled. I caught him in a half one here:

I asked this nice lady if I could take her photo and she was kind enough to hide her water bottle:

Next stop, San Xavier Mission ...