"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part II, Act IV, Scene II, Line 86....

I go to court on Monday (exactly 3 days, 23 hours and 42 minutes from now) to have Jessie 'committed' to Richmond State School. This, as I have mentioned, was news to me and for some reason bothered me and threw me for a loop. Everyone assured me it is just a formality, but I was still uncomfortable with the whole scenario. But maybe it was not the actual hearing itself that I was uncomfortable with ... Cue the Lawyer - Steve Monk: Attorney-At-Law and representing Jessie.

I thought that I would see him on Monday, sort of a court appointed lawyer – just showing up for the hearing, but yesterday he called and said he needed to speak with Jessie, make sure she understands what is happening to her. “You do realize that mentally she is 3 years old?” I asked, inferring that no amount of esplanin’ was going to get my daughter to understand. He said he reviewed the file and was under the impression that she talks incessantly. Not really understanding this sharp veer off topic – I had to agree with him. Someone had told me that they had obtained a special waiver that exempted Jessie from having to attend the hearing – my thinking: because she would not understand, maybe his thinking: she talks incessantly.

I asked him when he wanted to speak with her and he said he had time that afternoon – so yesterday it was. Jokingly I mentioned that it would be really, really great if he did not mention that she was going somewhere since that incessant talking? Well let’s say that it would become more incessant: perpetual, non-stop, constant, never-ending, unceasing, and unrelenting – not to mention really annoying. He said that was exactly what he needed to do – by law.

He went over to speak with her at Bonne’s since she was swimming in the pool and it was closer and more convenient for him from his ‘downtown’ Richmond office. Since I was home throwing up, I missed the chat, but Bonne said that he was very kind, told her she was going to be going to a new school and would she like that? Jessie said ‘yes’ (I wonder what would have happened if she had said ‘no’?). He also asked her if it would be OK if she didn’t go to the court hearing and Jessie indicated somehow that it was fine by her … so his job was done.

I picked her up approximately 21 hours ago and she has asked me if she is going to a new school, could she pack, could I take her, could daddy take her, etc at least 2000 times and she slept for a good 8 hours of this time. Ok, I get to multiply one question by 5 when she comes into my bedroom and pokes me in the eye and THEN asks me. I was up most of the night throwing up and was laying down today trying to get some sleep, Ryan is at work and she she has a gift of walking in and poking right as I am drifting off to sleep - so extra points.

She has no idea what she is talking about, but is super excited. I am happy that in her mind she is on her way to a new adventure, but it would be really cool if she would stop asking the same questions. She is already packed – taking the essentials in her backpack: Her Ariel quilt (a small quilt Linda made her previously – not the new one below), a woobie, a pack of princess cards and a book about dogs.

.

She is ready. My mind on the other hand is screaming: "I'm not ready!" about as often as she asks me if she is going to a new school.

*****

Also on the "Top Ten Things I Will Miss The Most" is Jessie's packing skills - and knowing how to bring just The Essentials: A handmade quilt: to keep her warm and remind her of her friend who loves her dearly, Princess cards: something to play with, Her dog book: something to read and her Woobie: something to comfort her and make her feel safe.

Have I mentioned I have friends?

I came home from Norway and was blissfully unaware that I was without an operating sewing machine for over a year. When it came time to pull the 'ole Viking out, a vital piece of plastic popped off. My workhorse of a sewing machine for my entire married life had died. I started looking at other Vikings and realized that I did not sew enough to justify the non-1979 prices. I had helped a lady program her programmable embroidery machine and was really, really coveting it - but since she had mentioned that it cost about $6500.00, well, it made the Vikings look cheap. It got me looking at embroidery machines though.

I wandered over to my good old friend Amazon.com and bought a Brother embroidery machine that was less that $400.00, stitched a straight line and most importantly: embroidered all the Disney Princesses. It embroiders other things also, but the selling point was that I could buy a card that had all the princesses on it (and other cards also). OK, and it stitches more than just straight lines. It is a fun toy and I was enjoying playing with it when Gary suggested that I stop goofing off and start embroidering stuff for something ... say - like a quilt.

I said OK and started embroidering the princesses on white squares of cotton fabric. I have never made a quilt, thought of making a quilt or really wanted to make a quilt, but I enjoyed embroidering the squares! The level of my seriousness at the time is best described by where I was getting my fabric. Did I go to the fabric store and purchase a bunch of fabric to make the squares? No, I was cutting up old European style pillowcases that we did not use - good fabric, just didn't like the pillowcase style. It is a good thing that I tend to over buy my linens - I had just enough.

It was very calming and when I was having a panic attack, depressed or just in a mood, I would go into my craft room and watch a princess appear out of nowhere. Seriously, no talent required whatsoever.

I started accumulating a bunch of squares and decided that I should really make Jessie a quilt, so I bought the sashing and the back and thought: 'for her birthday'. That came and went and nothing happened. Then I got the Phone Call. Now I wanted her to have the quilt when she went to Richmond State School and I wanted our names to be on it since they were words she would recognize, but still - I had not grown any quilting skills.

Linda, my very wonderful talented friend knew about my quest and had seen the squares. About two weeks ago, she took pity on me and said - 'bring them over'. Today she called and this wonderful, wonderful person had finished my Jessie's quilt. I know she has no idea what it means to me - she does these sorts of huge random acts of kindness on a daily basis for everybody - she is a saint - but for me - someone not used to having friends who will just make a quilt for you because you happen to be incompetent - this is HUGE. I know Jessie will love it and it will bring her comfort during those confusing times when she does not know why she is where she is at and the 'Where's my Mom and Dad?'. We might not be there, but she will recognize our names. And princesses make her happy.

What she probably won't get by looking at the quilt is that she is part of a family who loves her (look horizontally) and that she is a princess (look vertically), but that does not mean it is not true.

Last Bus

They call it the “Short Bus”. A moniker that is kinder than most I have heard in years past. Excited, and on the last day of Summer School she said “I do it myself” and headed off towards it with her backpack in hand. By my estimate, it was approximately her 3250th walk to that bus … and the last from our home.

The years fell away and in my mind’s eye I saw my small, beautiful child: long blond hair and braces on her skinny, wobbly legs. From the top step she turned, waved and shouted: “Bye Mom!” with that smile that radiates the entire spectrum of joy … and then was gone.

I stood there for a very long time after the bus had rounded the corner.

It is difficult to get my mind around August 19th on the bad days ... impossible on the good days.

A Typical "Conversation" ...

Mom, Jessie and Charlie driving in the car today:

Jessie: "Dad? Hi! Where are you?"

Jessie: "Mom music is too loud, I can't hear him!"

Jessie: "Dad, what? What did you say, I can't hear you!"

Jessie: "Mom, music is too loud!"

Mom: "Tell him to speak louder ... better yet - tell him to yell."

Jessie: "I can't hear him."

Jessie (shouting): "Dad? Dad? What?"

Jessie: "Oh, man, he hang up."

Of course - this was all on her imaginary 'finger phone'.
.
.
.
Her imaginary conversations are definitely in my:
"Top Ten Things I Will Miss The Most".

Where Dreamcatchers (and my sanity) go to Die...

Here’s the thing … I just wanted my kids to have a good education and Travis High School seemed like the place. Never mind that Gary’s boss happened to be in the same ward we would be living in … a bit awkward, but not a disaster, right? Until he gets called as Bishop – so now Bishop and Boss – still fine, I just avoid him. Enter my calling: Enrichment Leader for Relief Society – I have been surviving. We have a high number of Enrichment Activities each month and I have not set fire to the church during any of the Enrichment Nights – so pretty good … for me.

Now, some lady donates a boatload of craft crap and we are supposed to have a Super Craft Saturday, and me? I am a ‘crafty’ wannabe but mainly clueless. Who is the Queen of Craft in the ward? Yeah, the Bishops wife – a wonderful lady I have also been trying to avoid since I can hear the conversation with her husband one evening: “Honey, did you know that Gary’s wife is batshit crazy?” (Ok, she would not say ‘batshit’, but what it is, is what it is …).

She is going over to the house full of the craft crap with me on Monday and I am a bit worried that after, we will come to my house to discuss the dozen or so craft projects that I had come up with and the supplies left needed to get. In my mind, this escalates to going into my craft room, which escalates to “holy crap, it's a mess", which escalates to me at Target today buying 6 large drawer sets, 3 small drawer sets and other spurious 'organizational doohickies' to clean up my craft closet and my craft room, which, actually, had me productive for one whole day this week (since I am sure anyone out there reading this does not count blogging as ‘being productive’ – I am still avoiding life with gusto).



So, when she has that conversation with her husband, it will NOW go: “Honey, did you know that Gary’s wife is batshit crazy? Although, she has a lovely craft room".

Angels

My friend Bonne's son died five years ago yesterday. He was 23, just graduated from college and on his way to law school. He had a seizure in the middle of the night. Bonne, Linda and I had lunch together today and she was taking flowers to his gravesite and we went with her.

It was a cool, very old cemetery with some famous Texas people buried there. My favorite was a gentleman who had a marker that said that he was born a slave, but when he died he was a senator for the state of Texas. My favorite markers, though, were two angels I stumbled across walking around:

'One Armed Angel'

The first person died in 1927, and the second, my favorite, died on December 23rd, 1896. Who knew a cemetery could be so beautiful?

Mommy's Truck

Tuesday, Linda was bringing Jessie back from an outing and we were talking at the door when the UPS truck turned into our circle. Jessie said "Mom, theres your truck!". We laughed as it stopped in front of my house and delivered something.

I was telling Ryan this story as a UPS truck turned into our circle on Wednesday and we laughed as it slowly drove by looking for the correct address. We laughed even harder when it backed up and parked in front of our house and the delivery man got out. Yes, this is truly my truck!

Why go shlepping from store to store when you can sit at your desk and purchase everything from Amazon ... complete with free shipping? And before you lable me an 'online shopaholic', I have a huge craft Enrichment Activity for church - requiring tons of purchases - which are slowly showing up right now....

Afternoon Fun

Well, Bonne had the time and I decided Jessie needed to see what 'going to Bonne's pool' meant so we swam - with Duke, the dog.

(You can pause the music by clicking on the pause button - but they really aren't saying anything)

It Takes a Village...

Last week Jessie did not go to school for two days. Why? Because she said “No" and refused to get out of bed. How do you make a 245 lb person get out of bed and into the tub? You don’t. I figured that out a while ago when I tried to physically take her clothes off and get her ready for school. A half hour later I had a bloody nose, locked in my bedroom and Jessie was naked with the run of the house. Why was I locked in the bedroom? It was not that I thought that she would hurt me again … it was that I was afraid I was going to hurt her – I was that mad. So we don’t approach this in a physical way anymore – I just tend to get mad … and hurt.

My friend has a pool and on Sunday she promised Jessie that if she went to school all week she could come swim. She went so far as to call at 6:00am this morning and talk to Jessie – which was a good thing since she was refusing to get out of bed and screaming “I hate you mom”. Jessie jumped right out of bed after talking to Bonnie and having poor Gary come up in a towel and speak with her also about getting up. It truly takes a village to get my daughter out of bed … I am such a loser….

Got her bathed, dressed, breakfast fed, snack in the backpack and the phone rings …. School has been canceled due to a power outage.

Yeah, Jessie understood….

Gary's baby is going for a swim!!

When Gary sent out some photos of his ‘baby’, his sister wrote back:

“Explain more about this- I would love to share with my classes in a month when school starts. This big rectangular cement-looking box does what, exactly? Did you like to play with erector sets when you were little?”

Gary’s explanation:

“Think of it as a big offshore propane tank.

Natural Gas is liquified (cooled to -160 deg C) to become LNG (liquefied Natural Gas) in Qatar and placed in LNG tankers. Tankers move up the Suez canal into the Mediterranean Sea and up to Venice (17 KM offshore Venice) The tankers berth along side the GBS ( gravity based structure - my baby) and the LNG is pumped into storage tanks that are inside the GBS (two tanks that each hold 125000 cubic meters of LNG).

The top of the concrete box has about 20,000 tons of processing equipment and pressurizes and warms up the LNG to become high pressure natural gas. The GBS is connected to the mainland by a pipeline which connects to the Natural Gas piping network in Italy.

I was responsible for the design of the concrete box, and the metal tanks inside the box that hold the LNG.

I did have an erector set, but I was more of a lego guy.”

Some Photos:

Here is his baby before the dry dock was filled with water (you can see how big it really is)

Close up

With the Rock of Gibralter in the background, and a better view of scale with cars in the photo (click on it for a bigger view)

Flowers & Charlie

Last week I was not feeling well, and Gary did the grocery shopping. He showed up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I asked him what they were for (i.e. what had he done?...) and he said that it seemed to be a 'flowers for Lori' sort of day.

He knows I love taking photos of flowers and I had just got a polarizing lens for my camera the day before, so I played.

And since none of you care about my flowers ... here is a photo of Charlie trying to get her frisbee out of the tree.

Good Sports

When we were in Prague last year, I was not as prepared as I usually am at playing the ‘travel agent / tour guide’. I had not had time to do my usual homework, so I was winging it. In the morning, I would study the travel guides and decide what we would see and our route. My boys seemed to just expect this and would sleep in while I poured over maps, travel guides and pamphlets. Inevitably, I would upset their ‘beauty sleep’ and they would kick me out of the hotel room. I would take my stuff and go down to the lobby and map out our day. I had multiple people mention that my setup looked like a ‘war room’. I always replied that ‘they had no idea …..’. I was getting less and less sleep doing this, getting exhausted, frustrated, and wondering how I got the ‘travel agent’ hat in the first place.

On Friday, the last day we were exploring the city, I was exhausted, but came up with a great tour: the Old Jewish Cemetery on our way to a boat that would take us up and down the river, then … somewhere, I can’t remember. We could not see the cemetery as we walked by due to a very tall wall, so I scratched that off the list. Dissapointed since it had a fantastic history, was very unique and I wanted photos ... I was frustrated, but off we went to the boat. There were some buildings I wanted to take photos of and the lady I spoke with promised me that the boat went there, so I was ready. When the boat did not go down that far … somehow …. I lost it. I was done – I think because I was exhausted, but I had a meltdown and told my guys that I was done with this shitty city, being a shitty tour guide and that I was tired and going back to the hotel to take a nap. I told them (I am sure in a very kindly manner) that they could do whatever they wanted. I didn’t care – handed my camera to Ryan and stormed off. They had that startled, nervous, scared look of ‘mom went off her meds’ again…

After getting some sleep, I felt better and we hooked up for dinner. Knowing that I had been mad at everything, especially them for not helping and being lazy butts, they were cautious around me and Gary ‘forced’ me into purchasing a beautiful necklace and earring set. They apologized and said it was not fair to assume that I would do all the heavy lifting.

They cautiously started recounting their day. To my amazement, they followed my ‘tour’ as far as I had planned it. They even went back to the Jewish cemetery – to get photos for me.
I had decided that we would not go in since the men would need to wear the traditional Jewish cap (yarmulke) and I was not going to ask them to do that. But … in they went complete with headgear. I thought it would be a neat thing to have a photo of them, but they said they did not take photos of each other, just the stones. The reason I wanted to take photos of the cemetery was because of the history:

“The Old Jewish Cemetery in Josefov, the Jewish Quarter, was created in the 15th century when Jews were forbidden to bury their dead outside their own district. Space was scarce, so bodies were buried on top of each other in an estimated 12 layers. Over the centuries, lopsided tombstones formed unruly, poetic groupings.

The surrealist author Franz Kafka enjoyed moments of quiet reflection in the old cemetery. However, his own grave lies across town in the New Jewish Cemetery. That burial ground is half empty because the generation it was built for was transported to Nazi death camps.”
Going through my photos, I had many photos of the stacked headstones, but I found a gem:

It is one of my favorites. I thought it was nice that they spent the day taking photos of things for me because I was missing it while I slept.

Our 4th on the 6th

Gary requested some fireworks that he could play with when he got home - so I sent Ryan off with a money limit and he came home with one box. We were a bit dissapointed, but on Sunday decided to have our own 4th of July - and at 9:00pm we went out front. Set off the first one. The boom rattled the windows and dogs started barking. We had 'real' fireworks!

We were all laughing nervously since we have never had such large fireworks, and we were pretty sure the neighbors were no longer our friends. The second one seemed louder even though we know they were all the same size. I was trying to photograph them and they kept drifting over our house and I really did not want to venture off the front porch since I would be in the 'blasting zone'. After the 6th we had a baby crying and decided that we would set the other 6 off tomorrow (today). Making friends all over the place.....

One day I might figure out how to take photographs of fireworks or anything at night. I didn't have time for F-stops or ISO speeds so just stuck my camera on night and started shooting.

"Happy Birthday" Jessie

Jessie had a star spangled 20th yesterday. It started out not so early with a haircut – since her hair looked so bad, I would not have taken any pictures if I had not cut her hair first (looking at the photos, I did not improve it much – it is just shorter). Linda and Steve Randall showed up at 11:30 with an Aerial cake and presents, so Jessie discovered at exactly 11:30am that it was her birthday – best not to dwell on these things early with her – and I am a bad mom. Her head exploded then she started opening presents. While this was happening, Gary walked in and she and Charlie’s head exploded. It was getting a little wild and the Randall’s decided to flee (they would not take me with them). We then sang and ate cake, Jessie opened Grandma and Grandpas present (a computer game for her new computer … we hand them down: Lori’s goes to Gary, Gary’s goes to Jessie and Jessie’s, well we are afraid of what Jessie actually does to computers so … not so sure) then we took a bit of a break while Gary and Ryan unpacked and delivered the scout trailer to wherever it lives, Gary unpacked and I tried to lay down while Jessie figured out her computer game.

The next plan was a movie. I decided, OK whatever, I was getting tired, but what the heck, you only turn 20 once, right? So when it was time to go (we saw WALL-E) they all stared slack-jawed and with amazement in their eyes all said ‘Mom’s coming too?’ (I cannot remember the year I last attended a movie with the family … like I said – bad mom). We then went to Chili’s since Gary had not had ‘real food’ for 8 days. I was ‘done’ before we had started so this was just super with me, then off to Target because Gary had some deluded idea that after we put the groceries away, we were going to watch National Treasure 2 with him. I found the movie, Ryan was getting an alarm clock and Gary and Jessie were grocery shopping. With my item in hand, I found a bean bag chair and collapsed until it was time to check out. Got home, got the groceries put away and ‘Silence of the Lambs’ was on. We knew Ryan would watch that, so while Jessie drifted off (after opening about 12 of her princess crap stash) into a full 20th birthday stupor, we watched Hannibal eat people – it was a special evening.

So, I am tired and run down, but Jess had a great day and that’s all that matters.

Jessie and her Ariel cake


Talking to Grandma & Grandpa

Photographic 'Troubles'

As I mentioned before, I got a brand spanking new 'pimped out' computer (for mom - that means it has every bell and whistle you can imagine). Mainly I got it because my old one was no longer able to keep up with my photographic software editing programs (I have 4 different ones and like to swap between them - I think it tried to keeps chunks of code in the RAM and then would freeze). I rebooted (and swore) often.

On my new computer, since I have two monitors, I use the one to my right as an information source when it is not playing a movie or I am not working on photographs (I use it to compare two very similar photos to decide which is best). I have what are called 'gadgets' running in a strip along side the far right side: an analog clock, a calendar, the current weather for Richmond, TX, a scrolling 'top news stories', my XM satellite radio button that I like to play while on the computer (I have decided to work the 'it was suddenly so quiet...' dilemma early).

Most important, I have two slide shows going. Their screens are about 2.5 x 3 inches large, so not real big, but big enough to stop someone walking by and have them just sit and stare at the photos as they scroll through. It is so fun to just see photo after photo - randomly revisiting my past. The top one I have pointed to June 2008 and since I store my photos by date, it only shows that months photos - thus all my vacation photos and a few spurious photos that I took that month. The other, I have pointed to 'My Pictures' which, when I moved to this computer only has my photos (and some of Garys that I keep track of). It is fun to revisit Norway, Sibs Week, all our European trips, but it has been very annoying when I look over and the photo is sideways. So this week I started the monumental task of going through all my photos and making sure they were upright.

It has been a trip down memory lane - but a daunting task. I not only had trouble with software, but I have a large number of photographs - I tend to take on the 'ridiculously huge' side - with the hopes that one or two will be good. Under 'My Photos' I have over 90 GB of memory in 36,809 photos or in bytes: 93 billion, 27 million, 151 thousand & 872 bytes. Needless to say I have 1.5 Terrabytes of memory internally and 1 Terrabyte externally now - which is probably not good for someone who could actually make a good run at filling it up. (1 Terrabyte = 1000 billion bytes = 1000 Gigabytes) So one, by one, I look at the photo, determine whether it lives or dies, and if it lives, make sure it is upright. I am up to year 2007 right before we went on our trip to the Czech Republic since I took so many photos ... I have stalled. I only started really photographing in 2005, so this accumulation is quite impressive and quite hard to manage. I am assuming I won't go back and revisit these photos after I go through what ever week it was - so in honor of doing this for some while, I will probably be posting my favorites a few at a time each day.

Feel free to stroll down my memory lane.... (and maybe a little bit of yours...)

Mom as the 'Unibomber'

Clouds in the Olso Fjord

"Green" (or "Row Boat" ... look close)

Someone Vomited Disney Princess Crap all over my Floor...

The thing is ... for Jessie it is all about quantity - not quality. On Christmas morning she dives into her presents and just wants to wantonly rip open each and every package - throwing aside it's contents - it seems the unwrapping is what makes her day. So with a short trip to the dollar store (which - who knew it had Disney Crap? I have been going to the Disney Store) and $30.00 later - we have got ourselves a party!

So while y'all (which I am assuming is pretty much Patti and Marci since they seem to be the only ones reading this) are enjoying your 4th, I will be wrapping Disney Princess Crap in Disney Princess Paper and I will be on my "Official 7th day of My Decent Into Hell" (he will be home Saturday evening), complete with Jessie tricks and probably her talent to bleed. Only one other small mishap yesterday and that was because I saw her do it and caught it early. I am not proud of it but once I told her that if she wanted to bleed, I would give her something to bleed about - she laughed, mommy is so funny. She seemed to discover at a young age, just as Ryan that my threats are meaningless. Ryan told me at age of seven that my threats were just humourous - it was a blow to my parenting, but I wasen't really wanting them to sound scary - just blowing off steam ... so I guess my fault.

Now when she 'slaughters a baby puppy' in my house, my brain just explodes - pretty much part of where the permanent 'crazy' part of my name comes from.

Love, Crazy Aunt Lori

Crime Scene Photos

Day six without Gary is going as expected. Jess has a gift of making her nose bleed. Does she come get me when this happens? No. She wanders around for awhile, dripping on the white carpet, then decides to go in a random bathroom and fix it herself. All the while I am sitting downstairs proud of the fact that I just finished my last load of laundry.....

I didn't think to take photos of the bathroom before cleaning it up - it looked like she had slaughtered a small animal there .... again. Blood spatter everywhere. In 'CSI speak' I would say that she 'aspirated blood on the wall' - in normal human speak, she blew her nose randomly into the air and it landed on the mirror, the walls, the sink, the floor, drops dripping off the counter and splattering on the floor. If you luminoled our house (the CSI stuff that finds blood) you would be convinced we killed someone while they wandered our entire house - since I have cleaned up blood in every room except Ryan's. They will wonder where we stashed the body. This is something she does almost daily when she wants, and generally more than once a day...

Sigh ... one more load of laundry ... or I will just toss it all. I am running out of ways to get this much blood out of stuff. It is barely past noon - can't wait to see what comes next....

My One and Only Rose

My one and only minature rose from the only potted plant outside that has refused to die on me:

Unicorns and Flowers - All is Right in the World of Lori

Well, saw a unicorn today, so things must be OK, right?

It was on a birthday card to Jessie - who right now I'm wishing I had not opted to stop the Ritalin. She is literally bouncing off the walls (ok, not her, but her non stop questions about her birthday, daddy, presents, visiting Linda, where is Ryan, world peace, the presidential race and why I seem to keep playing 'Five for Fighting' CD's very loud on my new bose speakers I got with my brand new pimped out computer. Some of the conversations are in my head but since they are in her voice - they still count as being annoying).

But, my desk is clean: (Dad, note the two monitors - Mom won't tell you that it is really cool to be able to compare two photos at the same time ... rather than the 'optometrest version': ... this .... or this .... ? - you should convert)

The laundry is processing nicely - most of it is hiding in my huge closet there, but I am assuming that is what it is for....

I decided to work on flowers today since I had no more ponys, unicorns or rainbows:

Saturday Flowers:

Cabin

Tony Grove

Headed to Logan Canyon from Tony Grove Lake

Fredrico's Pizza: Logan, Utah

Cheesecake Therapy

Linda, my friend drug me off to lunch yesterday because I couldn't do anything but sit and stare at the computer and cry. She said I needed to get out (I'm pretty sure what I needed to do was bathe .... or clean the house .... or unpack - there is a plethora of things I am shirking). We went to the Cheesecake Factory. I left with a complete 10 inch strawberry cheesecake. My thinking was it would solve a lot of my problems ....

Ok, it's not raining rainbows and unicorns, but sunrises instead of bones are floating in my head:

"Sunrise over Bear Lake"

"Friday morning while everyone slept"

I don't think it is the cheesecake, though - it just seems to make me sick. Who knew that attempting to eat an entire cheesecake in a 24 hour period might cause a wee bit of gastrointestinal distress?

I have been thinking of the future ... well, actually the past. Jessie had a 5 day trial period at a group home in which she did not win the 'contest' of new resident. But I dropped her off on a Thursday and Gary and I did what any right minded couple would do with new found freedom - we got the hell out of dodge. Went to San Antonio and stayed at the Marriott on the Riverwalk. It was nice. No kids, just us. Nice. New. Weird. Odd.
Gary said the other day he was dreaming of our time in San Antonio and how selfish that was, and you know, I have no idea if it is selfish: wanting that life or not. Not to worry, though - we are getting it anyway. That sounds cool, to just go - like if I wanted to I could take a cruise in August - there is nothing stopping me - it feels odd to know that the tether will be gone soon.

I am curious how I will react - close in on myself, or go out - I find it odd that I have no clue.