I'll Never be a Cartoonist ...

.... not even one who cheats and starts with real photos ...

Decided to turn my latest three 'houses' (and then some) into cartoon looking pictures. Large, they are getting there, but small like this, they are a complete failure ...


"Bryggen" in Bergen:



Stav Kirke (Stave Church):

Hjem på Norge (home in Norway):

Apartment 'front yard' (our actual windows are hiding behind the bridge):

I guess I will have to keep working on it ... or come up with another technique all together.

In the Hands of our Heavenly Father

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel."

- Maya Angelou


This quote reminds me of a woman who passed away today. I worked with her closely in church. She was always kind, generous and respectful to me. I was in a position that I felt uncomfortable with, I felt inadequate, ill equipped to fulfill what was expected of me ... incompetent.

But somehow, she always made me feel as if I could do what needed to be done. She made me feel adequate, up for the task at hand ... competent. I will forever be grateful for this gift that she gave me.

Her pictures now hang on my wall - a constant reminder of a wonderful woman that I had the privilege of knowing and working with.

I will miss her greatly. Her humor, generosity, wisdom, gentleness, nobility, righteousness ... the list goes on and on ...

and I am a better person to have known her.

Literal

Gary is in Singapore right now - for work ... and quite a lot of play. He is there with two contractors and one is with his wife. She studied up on the place and came up with a series of activities. Gary asked if he could tag along since he is by no means a travel planner at all. So that is his plan. They have most of Friday and all of Saturday to play. When he called me Thursday morning (his Thursday night) he mentioned that she had said they were 'having breakfast with the orangutans' in the morning.

We thought this sounded a bit odd and thought that it was probably metaphorical. But having fun we descended into the inevitable 'poop throwing' jokes. Then we said our goodbyes.

Later, on my cell phone over at a church function, I get an e-mail on my Blackberry with just an attachment: a fuzzy image of an orangutan! Who knew! Breakfast with Orangutans!

Then, at 2:00am I am laying in bed wishing for sleep ... praying for sleep ... begging for sleep ... when my Blackberry starts flashing a red light indicating that I have new mail - so of course I open it.

Now he is just tormenting me:

I gotta say - if he doesn't sneak a baby orangutan home in his suitcase I am going to be VERY disappointed ...

Slipping Through a Hole Where the Moon Don't Shine ...

Just Like a Bandaid ...

So ... I decided that I would use the band aid 'quick rip off' method to get rid of all of Jessie's stuff, stop whining about it and just get rid of all of it already - fast and quick - less painless. Ryan can load it for me on Friday when he gets here and that frees up his Saturday.

I have to admit - I told myself I could keep a few things - a small trunk and put it in the attic until I decide to get rid of it or some use for it comes along.

I was pretty ruthless, though - very brave! Gone is Grover, Jessie's very first, floppy eared dog, and, as Jennifer put it: the "last known puffalump in America".

This and only this made the cut (so, just a small box - unless I start pulling stuff out of garbage bags later):


Ryan has his work cut out for him. There is more in the closet, but I ran out of garbage bags. Will get them tomorrow and finish up with my gutting.

But as I was working, I slowly realized that I was not done, not tonight ... not now. See those three pictures peeking out from behind the mountain of garbage bags and storage containers? They are not part of the donation - they are something entirely different.

Quite a few months ago I was at the home of a woman for a church luncheon. A beautiful home - a beautiful, noble, kind and generous woman. She was redecorating with the most wonderful things she had collected from all over the world and had a room full of stuff that she was moving around, sorting, getting rid of. I mentioned that her set of three floral prints leaning against one wall were beautiful ... well, because they were.

We finished the luncheon and as I was leaving, she pulled me aside and told me that she wanted me to have the framed prints. I told her that I couldn't, but she insisted ... gently, kindly and humorously in a manner that a 'no' was not going to be accepted! I thanked her profusely and loaded them in my car and off to my house - with visions of Gary hanging them above my jacuzzi tub.

Now, Gary is not a flower guy and just looked at me like I was from another planet when I told him my plans. I could not do it myself since the bathroom has a very high vaulted ceiling, they would have to go above the towel rack and I could not put a ladder in the tub since it was angled - Gary probably wasn't even tall enough to hang them. So they sat, and sat and I was bothered because I liked them so much.

I realized a few months later that they would look nice in Jessie's room and carried them up. And there they sat for more months - waiting for me to ask Gary to hang them.

And then tonight came. I placed my first bag down and saw the prints and my heart broke. Every time I placed a bag by those beautiful prints, I looked at them and my heart broke just a little bit more. I completed my task that I had set out to do, but realized that I was not done. You see - this kind, generous, gracious, noble woman is very ill now with a rare, incurable disease and not expected to live much longer. Every one that knows her is devastated and as I watch her family graciously accept this situation I am at awe at their strength and at a loss for words. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I just feel completely helpless.

So, I stared at my beautiful prints, remembering the vibrant woman I served with, worked with ... missing her - and cried. Then I dried my tears, went out in the garage and started rummaging around.

Because THOSE PRINTS WERE GOING TO BE HUNG ... TONIGHT!

I was going to do this!

I could do this!

I NEEDED to do this.

Gary and I had hung Art Project #1 and #2 so I had a clue as to what was involved. Didn't realize the secret was a measuring tape, a little math and those plastic things you put in the drywall and screw into - I always thought you used nails ...

Found the candy I told you to hide, Gary ... it is safe for now (although the spice drops are in serious jeopardy). Never found the ginormous level - so decided that a tape measure, measuring from the ceiling down to level them would have to suffice. Gathered my equipment and headed upstairs:

NOW I'm dangerous! (Gary is landing in Singapore in a few hours and just might be checking my blog ... I don't know how pleased he is going to be about all this - but ... too dang bad!):

Just threw crap on the shelves that was clogging up the shelves in my craft room - so they look crappy - but I will work on it. It is a work in progress. There are some dolls there that were part of Gary's late mothers doll collection. They might go live with Jessie's stuff - I just don't know what a guest room should look like ...

But my prints - they make me smile! They are permanent now, and will always remind of that wonderful woman that I have the privilege to know and to have associated with.

Saying Goodbye

I am not a motivated person. I am quite sedate, and would happily spend my entire day on the computer, with a book in front of me learning about photography, Photoshop, HTML coding, anything that has to do with computers in general and a host of other interests I have.

Not very functional, I know. Useful? No. But it works, and for the most part I stay healthy and out of bed if I don't do too much - so I buy books and buy books ...

As of late, though, I feel my house is getting ... crowded, overflowing and I have a severe need to simplify. So about every day (that I am out of bed) I have taken a drawer, a cupboard and cleaned it out. In my closet and bathroom - that has, amazingly been taking the drawer the night before garbage day and dumping the entire contents in the garbage can. If I have not opened the drawer in a year - I am not using the stuff - so out it goes. Expensive, nice, wonderful things - but opened and stuff that I don't think that the Womens Shelter would take, since it is used ... never really asked ...

Anything that the Womens Shelter will take, I itemize and put in a bag for my next donation drop off. I am not a complete moron - I wouldn't throw stuff away that I know someone else could benefit from.

And then the pliers mysteriously went missing. And I searched high and low. Opening cupboards over and over, thinking - this time, just maybe they will have materialized and will be sitting right there ... right there where I have looked ten times before.

One of the places I looked often was Jessie's 'play' cupboard in the kitchen with her coloring, puzzles, toys, etc that was stuffed with so much Disney Princess Crap I could barely shut the doors. So - I pared it down and a nagging, worrying, upsetting, unsettling feeling crept in and won't go away.



This:

This is Jessie's old bedroom. She sleeps here when she stays over night which so far has been at Christmas and I think graduation / birthday. Does she play with any of this? No. It just sits here. It has become a shrine to a daughter that no longer exists.

And something inside me tells me it needs to go.

All of it.

Even the spare clothes in the closet, because, lets face it - the girl has lost at least 70 pounds - they don't even fit!

But how do you say goodbye to a lifetime of your daughter in one fell swoop? I know in the logical place in my brain that I need to do it this Saturday because, well, first because I ran out of drawers and cupboards in my bedroom and closet, and second: Ryan will be home from spring break and my excuse up until now was how tiring it would be to load the grundles of bags into the car to get it to the Womens Shelter. So my big, brawny, hunky boy is going to be home and is wonderful when I ask him to help - I know he would do it for me.

So ... Saturday - I should take down my "Jessie Shrine" and give it all to kids that would love to have a barely touched toy.

But


....




but


how do I say goodbye to the dog that we bought Jessie when I was still pregnant with her:

I remember being in Sears buying a crib with Gary and seeing the dog with the big floppy ears - I decided that my baby, my precious, miraculous baby had to have it to keep her company in her crib. We were so excited that I was FINALLY pregnant. So excited to start this new adventure of being parents. Still blissfully unaware that the shit was going to hit the proverbial fan on the 4th of July - with her due date being way off in August ...

And that duckie puffalump? Remember puffalumps? They are so huggibly soft and squooshy! And Grover. I CAN'T SAY GOODBYE TO GROVER!


What about the bears from Norway ... complete with Norwegian, hand knitted sweaters, or the moose from Sweden - in his own hand knitted sweater?

Or the beautiful doll - complete with changes of hand made clothing that Jessie's late grandmother gave her?

Or the cutest doll in the world, or the talking bear from Sweden?

In the real world, a normal world, that world free of mental retardation - these things .... these precious, priceless, memory laden things would go in a trunk - stored carefully, lovingly for the day that my daughter was grown and had children of her own. To be cherished by her daughter ... my granddaughter - and made all the more special because they were Jessies before they were 'hers'.






Yeah - sometimes being the mother of a 'forever child' is really, really, REALLY shitty ...

Fleeing the Quiet and Getting my Groove Back ....

Yesterday I flew out of church to go pick up Jessie. Got to the administration building, called the person I was supposed to call. No answer.

Wait.

Call again.

No answer.

Wait some more.

No answer.

Get in my car to go get my daughter - off site pass be damned.

The people at Jessie's 'home' were very nice about it and whispered "just take her" - so don't tell y'all ...

And off we went for our abbreviated day together.

And since Jessie has a spirit that exudes happiness, joy and love - it is hard not to perk up a bit when she is around - even as you try to keep up with her constant about faces on what she wants to do at any given minute. I am no longer used to Jessie's 'flitting about' and sometimes it is exasperating - but .... she's my girl, my friend, my teacher, my charge and I love every molecule in her body - so we flitted together for a few hours.

Suddenly - an hour before we really needed to, she told me she was ready to go back. So off we went.

Got back home to an extremely estactic dog who loudly demanded her pigs ear treat for keeping the house free of riff raff and pirates and wanted bouncy ball. Gave in on the pigs ear - although she had already had one that day - when I brought Jessie home. Apparently the dog cannot tell time, nor count ... or she is faking it. Then played bouncy ball with her in the back yard - a poor mans (OK, an uncoordinated woman's) Frisbee and Charlie looks upon it with disdain. Give her a few weeks to forget her Frisbee sessions and she will think it is cool again.

Into the house and onto my computer - with my camera book in front of me - reviewing how to change the f-stop, ISO setting, shutter speed, light metering and exposure indicator adjustment. I am headed to Australia in 9 days and while there - Gary got a wee bit smarter than we have been in the past and already has our tickets purchased for 4 days in Cairns (pronounced 'Cannes' for no reason in the world that we can come up with except they wanted their own snooty film festival locale) and 5 days (6?) in Melbourne. Hotels booked - in the past we tried to do this at the last minute and it never worked out.

S0 lots of photo ops and I will have my camera ... shooting without a net. Need to know this stuff without having to look it up in a book.

An hour later the quiet was creeping in. Funny since I had my iPod blasting on the surround speakers in the great room - blasting so loud the windows would rattle with the beat of the low bass. And I started to panic. It usually takes about a day to get into the swing of Gary being gone ... I am generally not morose for long. I have a system: he leaves, I'm depressed and morose for a day or so, then resigned, then productive for a few days, then I slowly descend into my psycho state that is the 'no Gary' state until I see him again. I was supposed to be moving into 'resigned' today, dangit!

So, I grabbed all three cameras, my tripod, the dog, my drink and fled the house. Headed out to find things to take photos of in the dark.

A favorite (and close) church was my first stop:

Storage sheds near the church parking lot:



A tree on the church grounds:

Then off to a little strip of cottages that are used for commercial purposes. This is all on a very busy road and what could look weirder than a woman with a tripod taking random shots of buildings ... with her dog - in the middle of the night?

Was happily clicking away (and waiting since these are all 30 second exposure times) when two cars decided that this would be an excellent place to come and start a fight. Nothing like angry men to make you acutely aware that:

a) it is FREAKING LATE

b) you are alone

c) my best 'self defense' weapon I had with me at the time was the dog and the most I could expect from her is that she might ... just might tinkle on their shoes - MAYBE

So, decided this was a good time to take my tripod and flee. Didn't get all the shots that I wanted to, but I did like the ones that I got before the rumble started.

My next stop was going to be an old abandoned Sugar Factory next to the railroad tracks, but call me crazy, being in fear for my life sort of put me off heading to an abandoned building ...

So - on the drive home, my veins pumping all sorts of adrenaline, I realized that I had DONE IT! Being fearful for your life (and a wee bit fearful for the life of your dog ...) sort of puts things in perspective ... and I had flipped over to 'resigned' ...




... just waiting for that 'productive' part to kick in ....

Time

Time … it’s a funny thing.

It has been exactly 18 hours since I walked into my empty house – alone last night … and apparently slipped into another dimension. A dimension where every minute feels like an hour, every hour feels like a lifetime – a lonely life time.

When Gary is here, there is always something to do – something to take care of, help him with, clean up. And last night I found myself at wits end trying to figure out just what to do?

What to do? What to do?

So I watched his flight from Houston to LA on the computer, moved the laundry along, chuckling that my husband had shoved AT LEAST two complete loads in the washer before he left. Had to dry the stuff in three batches.

Whew! An hour gone, Gary is over Arizona – diverting from their flight path – I am assuming because of the weather I can see and not due to the fact that his plane has been hijacked – although I did weigh each for some time before making my final decision ….

Gary lands. Calls. Tells me to get to bed ...

Off to bed. Lay there and listen to the quiet, silent. No quiet soft breathing/snorfeling sounds I am so used to after 28 years and has lulled me to sleep for the past few days. I feel the empty bed, the cold side that I never, even after an entire year of it mostly being empty have never strayed over to.

Forty minutes later … can’t sleep.

Can’t stand the quite ...

...can’t stand the empty.

Up and off to my friend. Boot my buddy and listen to the familiar jet engine takeoff as it bootstraps itself into consciousness – having been peacefully sleeping – not a care in the world there. Just it’s crazy master in the middle of the night needing something … again.

Check on his flight to Australia. Took off 29 minutes late – but as I well know – they will make that up in the 14 hour flight and he is estimated to get in right on time. Right on time to take a taxi home, shower and head into work on his Monday morning while I am in Church in the middle of my Sunday afternoon.

Sunday morning FINALLY arrives – the part where I should be awake, that is. And the hours drag by as I wait for a very late church start of 1:00pm. It feels like an eternity. But I have things to do. Well, one thing to do.

Decisions, decisions. Get Jessie today? Get Jessie another day? I have to get her very late - after the administration building has closed and I have to call someone to let me in the building to check her out, or get her another day? It is not a hard decision. I miss her. I need someone in this huge, empty, lonely house. And Sunday is OUR DAY. Late or not, hard as this will make the day, I schedule to pick up Jessie at 4:30 – after being a good girl and staying for all of church. We did it last week and it was not too bad. Doing it alone is just a bit more tedious.

And she knows she comes home on Sunday – I am afraid of disappointing her. She is not busy on Sunday. If I get her another day – I am disrupting her schedule. So – today it is. Maybe those hours will go by fast.

Maybe not.

Time.

A funny thing.

Gary was here a week and a day and it flew by in a few heartbeats.

He’s been gone 18 hours and 15 minutes now and it feels like its been a week and a day …

Day Zero

The nightstand's assembly started:

Their tops routered and set in place:

Patiently waiting for the top drawers to be assembled and installed.

Sitting like wooden sentinels, waiting for the six long weeks until their wood working god comes home and finishes creating them.

___

The canvas has been stretched, Art Project #2 complete:

And hung, the photo: eerily looking exactly like the proto-type photo Lori tested on for size ...

The suitcase has been packed:

The final Frisbee toss with the dog ... accomplished:

Gary's sink has been cleared of all accoutrement's that clutter it (cleared by Gary, thank you very much):

The car loaded,

The trip to the airport started ...

The trip home to pick up the forgotten Blackberry phone accomplished ....

The REAL trip to the airport completed.

The kisses goodbye, the bear hug.

The lonely drive home ... complete.

And the countdown begins:

10 days

only 10 short days ...






until I follow ...

One Day ... Countdown ...

The masks are hung in there new spot right next to indoor Garden #1. I think I am resorting to an unknown idolatry to help my plants grow. These guys should at least scare them into shape!

The tops of our brand spanking new end tables for the master bedroom are nearly finished:

The bodys - cinched tight, till they will be loosed from their bonds tomorrow ....

And ... we are off to see Alice in Wonderland in a wonderful theatre - Alamo Draft House - where you eat dinner while you watch the movie ... weird but it works.

Then back home ... to finish out the day and start looking towards tomorrow.

Which will involve:




Packing

Driving

Goodbyes

Leaving













Alone

Morning Friend

Woke up, stumbled out to my computer, booted it with its accompanying 'jet taking off' sounds, poured me a diet coke and sat down at my desk. Looked up and out the window to my birdhouse and through bleary eyes saw this little cherub:

Mind you, I had to take this through the slats of my blinds without moving them, for fear of scaring this peaceful little critter away so there are white stripes through my photos. But isn't he precious? He sat there for a good half hour and in a voice that was typical middle America made plans for a jacuzzi, a master bath and a galley kitchen in my birdhouse to make it 'home'. "I could live here - it just needs a few things ..."

As he sat there planning his remodeling project, I was enjoying his plump, feathery nether regions:

His body overflowing his teeny tiny feet ...

I really wanted a photo of him without the slats and he seemed so peaceful and content to just sit there, I decided to inch up the blinds and see if I could sneak off a shot. But, alas, Mr. McPlumpersons flew away to plan his palacial abode elsewhere ...

So There ...

So, today, as Gary was leaving to go order some cheapie glasses to work out in the garage in at Sams I was pretend sulking ... and said:

Lori: "But, what if my graphics card comes while you are gone?"

Gary: "I guess you will have to wait until I get back home."

Lori: "Are you SERIOUSLY saying that I can't do this myself?"

Gary: "I am SERIOUSLY saying that you can't do this by yourself. I have had the case open 3 times in the past few days - trust me."


WRONG THING TO SAY TO ME!!

It came while he was gone ... so I went to work. This sucker weighs a ton and sounds like a Bowing 747 taking off when you boot. I was a little afraid when I laid it down that I was going to drop it - but a few crushed fingers later - we were good to go:

Another, oh, I won't say how long it took me to figure out how to open it, but: proof positive:

I FREAKING GOT IT OPEN!!

Old, dead graphics card:

Brand spanking new graphics card:

Slot for graphics card (yes, guys - it is THIS DIFFICULT - uplug one and plug in the other ... OK, and then put your entire computer system back together - but you just took it apart, so how hard can that be, right?)

And ... voilà ... HAPPY GIRL!!!

Dude, don't EVER tell me that I can't do something!!!

Up until he came in and freaked that I had actually done it, I REALLY, REALLY thought this was a TOUGH LOVE scenario - now I know the bitter truth: he REALLY, REALLY didn't think that I could do it ...







Here's the thing - DON'T EVER mistake laziness on my part for incompetence ...







EVER ...

Miasma

I like Matthew Broderick. Especially in this movie. I feel I have a special kinship and all - being only 3 degrees of separation from the guy. I'm not a stalker, or anything - just like his work. This was in the Daily Thought so I thought I would share:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while you could miss it.”

― Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller’s Day Off"



This is a photo of Gary last night making arrangements to be in Singapore for 4 days WITHOUT ME. Of course, it is for work, but had he waited just 3 more days - I would have been there - could have gone with him and sure I would have FOUND SOMETHING TO DO while he toiled away.

Speaking of LOOKING AROUND ... why am I acting jiggy? Well, have you seen THESE:

they are professional canvas stretchers and work like a charm! Alas, when Gary and I went to get them last night to stretch our latest 'Art Project' they were no where to be found ...

I KNOW I put them ... somewhere. DAMN! I hate it when I lose something and 6 months later, run across it and it is in the most logical place I thought I could have put it at the time - which in some psycho-convoluted way was probably true at the time, but the freezer is probably not the best place to store the pliers ...

We looked for at least 4 hours yesterday and then decided to go with backups. YES - we have two pairs. Did I lose the ones that work crappy? NO! Just the good ones. And here's a question for ya: "HOW THE HELL DID THE TWO GET SEPARATED IN THE FIRST PLACE? They are freaking professional canvass stretchers and should at least be stored together ..." The backups wouldn't work - dang!

I'm such a loser ...

I resorted to desperate measures last night - with FULL FAITH that this would work. I ORDERED ANOTHER PAIR!




Didn't work .... still have no clue where they are. It is somewhere trapped in my brain.

Well, I'm off - to clean out the cupboards in the kitchen. I might have set them down there with Jessie's junk and they got lost in the miasma ...










... it could've happened .....

Urgh ...

Seriously - last thing I really remember without being all in a haze of barfing and fever and chills was writing the last post. The clue that maybe things weren't great was that I didn't post it right away because my 'head didn't feel right' and I felt like I needed to re-read it first. Which 3 hours later ... I didn't ... posted it anyway and crashed and burned in bed.

What is today? Tuesday? That's not so bad, wasn't that Saturday? - I only lost 3 days (felt like 7, thank you, very much).

I am SERIOUSLY NOT LOVIN MY 'PUTER. One screen is very debilitating. Especially when said screen decides to have 'seizures' every now and again - as Ryan puts it - I would just call it 'spazzing out'. Either way you say it - it is annoying and I don't trust it. My new graphics card is on the way with a 99% chance of that fixing the problem - so sometime on Wednesday I will be a very happy girl ...

Well, off to catch up on my 139 e-mails, all your blogs, facebook, and whatnot then probably crawl back in bed, sweating and shaking

Life is good ....

Oh, and since I have no photos to post. Gary saw my rose photos and told me my tripod needed to be higher to be able to see the tops of the roses (you wonder why I can't figure out this stuff myself ...) so I took more rose photos:

Later ...