J.E.S.S.I.C.A.

If 'Jessica' was a hard word to spell, or there were multiple spellings, I have a little saying for you to remember how to spell Jessie's 'proper' name:

Just Estimate Sixty Seconds In Current Activity ... JESSICA

More than anything that defines Jessie is her complete and utter contempt with any sort of rule about staying on task! Once not around it 24/7 it becomes exhausting to be caught up in the middle of it.

We get Jessie every Sunday after church. She has come to expect it and know it is coming and works well for all of us.

So every Sunday I leave church, pick up my girl and we start in on our Sixty second chunks of time on the ride home. That part mostly involves questions. Mainly the same three or four questions repeated over and over again.

Home and a joyful reunion with Gary and Charlie. Jumping, Shouting and Laughing/Barking all round.

Today dinner came next ... sometimes this is down the road a bit.

Then she knows it is movies and an all-you-can-eat type scavenger hunt through the pantry for the rest of the stay.

I went with an Arts and Crafts type theme today and tried to steer her clear of Gary since he was not feeling well - as he does when I am not feeling well.

Stickers are always a big hit.

Princess stickers all the more so:

We baked cookies for Daddy. And while this looks all Norman Rockwell and warm and fuzzzy ... it was from a chubb of pre-made cookie dough ...

She picked Pocahontas for the movie ...

Then proceeded to completely ignore it and run around the house stirring up trouble!

I got serious about some beauty care - her unibrow and some unsightly hairs ... gone! She was not all that pleased with this - especially since it did not fit into the Sixty Second time limit ...

She asked if she could make her crazy sticker pages into a book - so off to the computer

Made her a cover and she was thrilled!

We then made a Power Point Page of Purloined Princess Photos just for fun:

Then Jessie asked if she could cut them out. Good Occupational Therapy activity - plus Fine Motor Control check - so SURE! Was not sure how well this would go - some times she gets carried away and ends up with confetti:

Not Bad! We taped them to another piece of paper just to fill a few of those Sixty Seconds yet again.

Started in on our second time through with Pocahontas - this time she did sit for a minute or two.

Called my parents and Jess got to talk to Grandma and Grandpa. And then she said it was time ...





... time for her to go back! You have no idea the relief it is to hear her say this - it was not so long ago that she was screaming about not going back. It is WONDERFUL that we worked that through.

We started gathering her stuff she had made, and she always heads home with a drink and some snacks - just an extension of her pillaging our pantry I guess.

When she is ready to go back - she is ready. Here she is telling me to go get Dad to take her back - he apparently wasn't coming fast enough.

She talked Gary in to bringing Charlie along, got to the door and remembered she had not given me a hug (I HAD received no less than 100 from her today ... but not a specific 'Goodbye' hug) - so came running back, arms brimming with treasures - gave me a huge hug and a 'thank you'

and ran off - back to the back door and Charlie and Dad.

As hectic as they are, and as filled with insane moments of 'how did we ever do this all the time' - I really do love to have Jessie visit. She is happy and healthy and very well adjusted and I need reassurances every now and then that this is the case.

But I gotta tell you ...

This part:

When she is in Gary's truck and on her way back ...

Let's just say - it's not the least favorite moment of the day ....

And if you listen really close - after snapping the photo and shutting the door - you will hear me lean back on the door and give a HUGE sigh of ....



hmmm ....




... a huge sigh of 'until next Sunday'.

Photoshop ... I LOVE You!

This evening I have been busy finishing up a newsletter for church tomorrow. Since the month concerned is February, hearts came in to play ....

** Note ** When I went in to tell Gary about this wonderful, fantastical feature - he said that I scare him ... So this might not be the most interesting thing in the world ...



... but I think it is!

~~~~~~

There is a type of brush in Photoshop called a Dynamic Brush. It is one where you click and drag it and it does stuff other than what many brushes are used for and that is a click once - more like a rubber stamp than a brush in real life. So - with my heart brush, if I clicked once - I would get one heart - click and drag and I get a series of hearts.

So, I got to playing with a heart dynamic brush. I can change the hue (by setting the foreground and background different colors) and the hearts color changes randomly within some specified range of the foreground and background colors. I can change the jitter - and the position the heart is 'stamped' at varies randomly. I can change the spacing of the hearts and it does just what it sounds like: spreads out or compresses the spacing of the hearts.

So I was playing along - dragging my mouse around and about and making all sorts of lines of hearts. Here is a page where I played around changing the spacing for each line:And all of a sudden, I thought "I have a pen ....".

I realized that my control would be better so I got it out and held the tablet like a pad of paper and started playing. And to my amazement something happened to my hearts! Depending on how hard I pushed the pen to the pad, the size of the heart itself changed! THIS IS SO VERY COOL ...

... to me!



Maybe not so much for you ....

Quiet

Lay down with Gary for a bit about 5:00pm knowing that there was no way I was down for the night - just a quick cat nap, but that Gary probably was. Poor guy - has the worse sounding cough and has everything else that goes with a cold. He is NEVER sick - but on those very, very rare occasions when he is ... you can guarantee that I am. Yet here I am upright! OK, not 100%, but I haven't been 100% since that lovely April day back in 1992. We apparently are living in backwards land these days ...

Got up and started collecting garbage cans to empty ... tomorrow being garbage day. Fumbling and stumbling in the dark (it got dark while I was napping), don't want to wake him. Wander out to the great room and standing there, staring at the kitchen softly glowing ...

... the place smelling wonderful since I had lit my fragrance lamp with a calming, soothing scent this morning ...

I realized something.

The swirlies are gone.

~~~~~~~

Swirlies.

Probably my definition is a bit different than yours. It is that feeling of butterflies in your stomach - but intensified and not in a good way. The first time I felt the swirlies was back when I was 16, hit a patch of black ice and tapped the back bumper of the car in front of me that decided that the middle of the road would be a good place to stop. Then? Did I feel the swirlies then? No, that was just mild fear. No, I got the swirlies when a car, not paying attention to the accident on the road (we were out of our vehicles) hit the same patch of black ice and plowed into the back of the family car totalling it ... and me realizing I needed to call my Dad. THAT feeling - that is the swirlies. Kind of a ball of panic, fear and dread all rolled up into one ....

I get them sometimes along with depression - they are a precursor to a full on panic attack and these days generally have something to do with is Jessie OK. Just the way it is. It takes a lot of work to keep them from escalating to a full on panic attack - so keeps my mind occupied. Sometimes that is a very good thing but rather exhausting.

Of course the house tour set off the swirlies - for no reason other than to make my Tuesday. And I have been playing 'mind games' to keep things together since then.

Decided to drop my iTouch yesterday evening onto the kitchen tile completely smashing it up ... but good. Panicked, wondering how I was going to live without it ... for about 5 seconds and then ordered a new one on Amazon. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I am spoiled.

But! I think I am on to something ... ALL IT TOOK to get an exact replica of what I dropped the evening before was to PLUG IT IN and wait an hour for it to restore all my stuff on the new iTouch.

IT WAS SO COOL!

It could very well be the fact that I experienced the PERFECT Computer'ish Install that pulled me out of the current funk I was in.


I mean - I can't tell the difference between the two - AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!

SO refreshing these days. I don't promote tossing iTouches about just to get to fix 'em up - but I have been overjoyed today that something this week was effortless and went well.

FUN STUFF!

Weird ... I know.

So all is quiet in the Hurst home - Gary is softly snorfling / coughing and my head and my stomach are blessedly quiet right now. A day (fingers are crossed hoping for more) without the swirlies - well that is a gift of the highest magnitude.

Life is good in the land of the Hursts (well .... you just might want to get Gary's own opinion on this ...)

Working on the Wacky, Winsome & Wonderful ...

Yeah, well - I have been in a funk. This and getting a brand spanking new Super Computer doesn't seem to go well together. It SO HIGHLIGHTS the 'SPOILED' part of my life... and that I am a whiner.

Yesterday, Gary asked me how I was feeling, and more to the point was I happy with my new computer. I told him that I was ecstatic in that really, really depressed sort of way. He just shook his head and walked off.

When it is cloudy it is cloudy.

BUT! I decided I was going to have that wacky, wonderful, winsome Wednesday a day late that my sister-in-law Cherri said in the comments that I had in me. And what is more fun than a lovely photo?

So I decided I would find something wonderful, winsome and a wee bit wacky and make a photo series and post it on my blog. Started with some tree shots just because I had taken them the day before.

As I played around a bit and brought out the photo hidden in the photo ... I realized it was far from wacky or winsome or wonderful:

All it needs is some evil looking bird sitting up there and you would have ... well - nothing wonderful. And I had started with a photo in a series that included this:

Doesn't seem so ... down ...

Crap photo - coming up with a somber / eery / ugly photo was the best I could do.

Picked up my morphine prescription - always a high point in any day (accompanied with that slight feeling that I should be in some sort of NA support group just for having it in my cupboard, of course). Tried taking a few photos but nothing stellar in that series either:

I realized that the clouds weren't all that thick, my day was going awfully well. My computer transferred all my data without a hitch, was doing everything it was supposed to do and (almost) nothing it shouldn't. Photoshop is lightning fast, works, does anything I throw at it ... which was why I started this convoluted journey in the first place. So things are looking up! Things are good! Heck ... things are great!

I am thrilled with my computer, almost fully installed, mostly caught up with what needed to be done to get me back to functioning. The house is clean, the dog is cooperating with her pill and peanut butter combo, and the day was absolutely stunning! Beautiful blue sky, perfect temperature to sit outside and bounce a ball for 'crazy dog' and just enjoy how good life is.

But ... no photo series - just couldn't come up with one so I gave up on that.

A few minutes after calling and getting a doctors appointment for Gary (he is sick - so life is not great on all fronts ...) I had wiped off the kitchen counters, looked around smiling - happy that the house was clean and life really was that good. Could envision the clouds breaking up and drifting off as I saw Gary pull in the drive.

Heard a wee little happy tone emanating from my pocket - took out my iTouch to see what the alert was, fumbled ... and what do you know:

I have a series of photos for the day after all!

Still works! Being extra vigilant when sliding your fingers around on the surface is vital ...

Life is still good ...




... Mr. Amazon said he would run a replacement right over to me tomorrow ...


Here's hoping for a fumble, falling, failure free Friday ....

This is just getting old ...

I avoided .... to spare y'all ... my original title of Worrying, Wearisome, Whining Wednesday - but that is what it was. OK, most of the whining was in yesterdays post - I apologize. But I am sure I am about to whine in the next few paragraphs, trust me.

I used to think that I enjoyed all things computers. Until you get a lemon, have to install all your crap on it multiple times, ever worrying that you forgot something (and do) and all your mail will be lost or the worst possibility - my financial data.

So - today I got my Super Computer. It has no name, it is not my friend, it is just a utilitarian device. And I got to start all over again. The blood pressure skyrocketing, heart racing as things looked like they were taking too long - did I mess up saving it, is all my data LOST FOREVER?

As Gary says - I am not a hacker - a hacker would believe that they could get out of any hot spot by randomly pressing buttons - but in my world - that does not seem to work out all that well. In my world things just don't work and I am just out of luck.

So - I got my mail working - with all my archived e-mails that I might need to refer back to, and my financial data is up to date and working fine. Whew! Photoshop got installed and then Lightroom (you know - the TAGS and being able to find my photos) but it needs its database to run which is embedded in with my photographs - a large chunk of data - about 400GB. So I started to copy it and it only took 4.5 hours! That is an improvement over the 18 - 24 hours on my other computer ...

Here it is giving me a nasty error message - which I promptly ignored since it was clearly copying my files and at the end, had the exact number of files and folders on both my computer and my external (backup) hard drive - so everything copied fine. But still - annoying to get an error message on my first day!

I have a TON of other stuff I need to do with this beast, but my heart is not in it. The clouds are getting thicker and darker and even this sunny beautiful day could not get me out of my funk. It generally just takes time - so here's hoping it goes quickly ...



... and at least I have something to do instead of my old standby of just staring at the walls ...

Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous, Ticked-off Times ... Tuesday

Tummy ache and Trips:

Charlies vet called after her labs had come back yesterday. She has giardia.

G.I.A.R.D.I.A

Oh, and she can give it to us. Probably more so the guy that lets her lick him on the face than me ... but still ...

So we took a trip to her vet this morning to pick up antibiotics for her. Hooray! Getting pills in Charlie for 10 days in a row! TWO pills - one every 12 hours. Fun times ahead.

Two Words:

PEANUT BUTTER

The vets assistant suggested it, so I dutifully crushed the pill and put it a much-too-big scoop of peanut butter then sat there for 10 minutes while Charlie slurped it all up out of a little cup. Oddly, she stared at me the whole time with this baffled look ... why she had been given this wonderful snack? She looked a little nervous too ...


Ticked-off:

Jessie moved to another home on campus and some of her stuff didn't make it with her. Do I care? Not really ... except for ONE THING. The ONLY THING over there I care about - her princess quilt. And it is no where to be found. I am more than annoyed since my good friend Linda lovingly put it together and quilted it. I am 'fit to be tied' and sputtering mad and feeling rather helpless.


Terrifying, Troubling, Tumultuous Times (and Tunes) Ahead:

You might have noticed that I have been a wee bit off lately … more antsy, unsettled than even my usual crazy self. I had a meeting yesterday and today I went to tour a home for Jessie.

A group home – where the disabled live together with a staff and travel daily to a day habitation environment to learn life skills and to socialize. Sounds like where she is, right?

Wrong. It is pretty little house, with a pretty little bedroom and a pretty little bathroom. Problem is?

Not my house.

I don’t know why having Jessie live in a pretty little house, in a pretty little bedroom with a pretty little bathroom bothers me more than her living in more of an institution environment (I am assuming it is a better environment – or I would not be doing this), but it brings home the fact so VIVIDLY that SHE DOES NOT LIVE AT HOME.

And I feel so guilty about that.

These days she has a 24 hour aide, a staff, a nurse, doctors, dentists, drivers, etc … which she will still have at the group home – that does not change – and somewhere in my logical brain I know that I was all that for 20 years and that it was time for her to spread her wings and move on, make friends, learn new things …

and for me to let go …

So why all the guilt?

Not a clue.

But the guilt won’t go away and I am headed for trouble. A huge crash landing. It feels big, bad and ugly. I am at a loss – it is like I am in a car, and it is speeding along – and I am slowly losing control … I know a crash is inevitable and all I can do is try and ride it out …

and survive …

Two sentences from songs go through my head daily … over and over and over, OK and I YouTube them since they sort of haunt me:

From Glee’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” (I love this version, the harmony, weirdly the ukulele and guitar and just two voices work for me) when the words “where troubles melt like lemon drops” is sung in beautiful harmony – EVERY TIME I get a huge yearning for life to be that easy … but the song always ends and I am back to reality and a world where my troubles don’t go away that easily.



So on to the other song: Alpha Rev’s “Phoenix Burn” – there are many lines in this song that I relate to (basically since the singer is crashing and burning “I need to find a way of letting it go …When everything falls apart”) but at the beginning he sings: “I need a peace with understanding … Trying to find a softer landing” – and every time I hear that I want so bad to figure out how to crash and burn – but in a way that won’t send me off the deep end. I have yet to learn how to find that softer landing …



But, even with me escaping to Phoenix to avoid all this (I don’t believe that it was a coincidence that our planning meeting was yesterday to get this all in place and I book a flight to … well, hell – anywhere but here – for 10 days the same day) Jessie will move into that pretty little house, with that pretty little bedroom and pretty little bathroom … and it still won’t be my house.





I will let you know if I figure it out.

Just in the nick of time ...

I knew I was in trouble tonight when I started taking multiple exposure shots of some candles glowing in our kitchen:

Walked in to the office, called my parents and set up a time to fly out to Phoenix.

Whooo Hooo! Ten days in February with the Master Photographer himself ... my father. He knows where all the cool haunts are around where they live - then we will head to Tucson since my mother is tending my brothers children - and photograph the crap out of the Tucson area also ...

Excited does not even begin to describe how I am feeling. Apparently I am missing my adventures ...

Wet

Sigh ... it is raining today and very dismal.

I NEED SUNSHINE! Lots and lots of sunshine. The clouds in my head are forming and look like they might be here for an extended stay - a wee bit of sunshine just might help stave them off for a bit ....

In Norway they had desk light lamps that were mini tanning booth type contraptions you sat on your desk and pointed directly at you to trick you into some sunlight time. Was supposed to help SAD ... I think I need one. This weather is a bummer.

But! The weather reports on my trusty iTouch all have huge round balls of sunshine showing for Tuesday - Saturday so I just might survive.

Decided since I was desperate to take photos - I would take a series entitled 'Wet':

Ok, SERIOUSLY cool effects with water on the car windshield (kind of looks like a photoshop filter) ... although I don't actually propose driving like this ... usually ...

Here's hoping to grundles of sunshine in the next few days ...




... or I'm crawling under the covers and hiding until spring.

Istanbul

Not the minute Gary got home, but pretty close to it ... I tactfully asked Gary where his camera was. I am pretty desperate for photos to edit these days. Fun stuff!

I got to add part of a spire to the first photo ... can you tell? Shhhh.

I know, I know - there are a TON of photos, but I edited a bunch and then I couldn't decide which ones to put on my blog and which ones not to ... so I put all of them.

It looks like a beautiful city, and Gary wishes he had more time to have taken photos ... and that his little foray into trying to find what he called 'the three mosques all together' rather then getting him there, ended him right back at the front door of his hotel - never did find them ...

... my loss.

The first bunch are of the Blue Mosque - I so would have loved to have seen this building in person:

Not a clue:

Some sort of mosque - but I don't know the name:

Again ... no clue:

A church:

An alley:

and a Palace:

I am jealous ...