Great Parenting ... You be the Judge:

.

I wonder how many times my blog can start out with: 'Gary left less than 24 hours ago in the Town Car and ___________.' Fill in the blank: 'I have lost my mind', 'Things have gone to hell in a hand basket' (OK, that generally takes at least 48 hours, minimum), whatever.....

.

.

.

Set my alarm for 5:00am to get Ryan up for Seminary (Gary normally gets him up). He got up, showered, got ready, came downstairs and promptly fell asleep on the couch without making breakfast. Hence, my OTHER alarm went off at 5:50 and I yelled at Ryan to get up and go to Seminary (not his favorite place to be). When the snooze went off, I yelled again, and 3 minutes later I kinda yelled a bit more - and off he went. Since I had not slept well, I was happily drifting off when he called me from a parking lot at 6:10am and said he was tired. OK, so was I, but maybe I could have been nicer with my threat (the ONLY thing we have to get him anywhere) that if he did not go to Seminary, he could take the bus to school and had no need for his vehicle. Told him I would get him the bus schedule that afternoon and I needed his keys. Harsh? I don't know, I was tired and cranky, no one would ever confuse me with a 'morning person'.

.

(Note: Ryan has given me permission to 'blog' this).

.

At exactly 8:07am I was still staring at the clock wishing that sleep would come when I got the cutest little trilly sound on my phone - I had a text message: "Don't worry. I'll be back later today. I just need a break. My phone is on silent, so don't freak out if i don't answer. I'm sorry about this. I'll call you soon." So .... I'm laying there realizing that my son has just run away from home - he's 18, and his first time, so I'm thinking we did a pretty good job getting that far, right?

.

Gary steps off his plane in London, checks into his Marriott and calls me - asks how things are going. "I was doing better before Ryan ran away from home.", I said. Silence on the other end. Ya wonder why he has not done the same - ever. While on the phone with Gary recounting my morning, I decided to track Ryan using his debit card - logged on to Chase bank. Oh, he went to Sonic in Richmond, then McDonalds. We talk some more. Holy Shit!!!! He went to McDonalds in Flatonia, Texas which I happen to know is about the halfway point between here and San Antonio. Yeah: 'Holy Shit' ... screamed it into the phone, and Gary still has not hung up on me - cool. Now I am a bit more worried, and thought that maybe I should call Ryan and see if I can wring his neck through the air waves....

.

He went to the Alamo (Dad said go ahead - I on the other hand had said multiple times, through clenched teeth to turn around, turn around, NOW! But I lost those rounds), stopped at Buckeys (sp?) on the way back - called, asked me if I wanted anything. Still through clenched teeth - yes, YOU - in the same county as me...

.

Gary called back after Ryan got home and I had gone with him to Sonic and talked to him about, well, why he decided to spend the day in San Antonio, and was, like Dallas tomorrow? And give me your keys. We discussed it all, and as he was getting off the phone, he said "You know, I will admit I lost Jessie, but only for a half an hour. You lost Ryan for like 8 hours."

.

And I'm just wondering what y'all think out there in 'blogland' - which of us is the worse parent?

.

While living in Norway, Ryan and I went to Paris on his spring break, he was 14 and Jessie was 16. I called Gary on his birthday and he told me he had lost Jessie that day. Lost Jessie - IN ANOTHER COUNTRY...

.

He had gone shopping for ski's and she didn't want to go in the last store he was going to. He just needed to run in and check if they had maple syrup (Ryan's beverage of choice over there - he seriously used enough on a waffle to qualify it a beverage). No one sold it except this store - sporadically. So, being the great parent he is, he handed her a diet coke and told her not to go anywhere and LEFT HER IN THE CAR. When he came out to the car, she was gone. Having a bit of and ego and knowing Jessie, he ignored all the puppies, and babies and umpteen other stores connected to the parking lot and headed back the way he came - assuming she had followed him in.

.

He went to customer service and asked if a mentally retarded, English speaking girl had come in (it was a club membership like Sam's Club - so she should not have been able to get in without a card). A half an hour later, he found her checking out the toys in the toy section.

.

So I ask you - Gary? ... or Lori?

.

.

.

I am just dying to know......

20 Year Anniversary

Nah, not that one - we are well over 25....

-

Gary has been working for Exxon / Exxonmobil for over 20 years now. He got to pick his own gift:

Looks kinda funny on him ...

Roses

He goes grocery shopping after YM/YW since I am not feeling well and shows up with roses:

How cool is that?

New Roommates

Yesterday I had a conference call with RSS for Jessie's 30-day assessment. I was not feeling well and did not want to barf on myself while at a meeting.

It went well, and I reminded them we wanted to bring in her computer which meant moving to the room she was supposed to move into. I got a call this afternoon from Angie - Jessie had been moved yesterday.

She then proceeded to tell me (because she was supposed to) that Jessie and her two new roommates stayed up last night and talked, watched DVD's and had snacks (which will not help with her 1800 calorie diet). She was so tired at school, they called RSS to come pick her up. So apparently she is in trouble.

All I can do is smile.....

And Then, Out of the Blue....

.... She said it! It left me with a mixture of emotions: excited, comforted, thrilled, happy, elated, sad, mourning and a bunch others I can't recall. She looked at us, both of us just staring with our mouths gaping and she had to say it again: "I want to go back to my friends now".

.

I thought it would take a year or two. We were told this happens, where they would rather be at the institution/group home rather than with you .... but I thought it would take more than 5 weeks!

.

No matter, it makes me feel better to know that she wants to be there, and if it was horrible, I don't think she would want to be there. But I am not Jessie either.

A Typical 'Lori' Night

Well, the Towncar picked Gary up less than a day and a half ago and I am loosing it. Luckily, he will be home on Saturday instead of a week from Saturday since everyone in London was going to be gone for some reason. Good for me ... bad for Gary. He will need to work basically 2 weeks in London one week off until Thanksgiving after this small jaunt.

Last night I had my most recurring dream - never pleasant, but mostly exhausting. I dream that Jessie, or Ryan or both (mainly Jessie ... like last night) are in a house crying. A big house - 3 stories, a basement and an attic, don't really have an idea of how many rooms. I hear her over the intercom but I don't know where she is, so I start running from door to door. The hallways get longer, the stairs get steeper, I never find her, but when I wake up, in a full sweat: I am so grateful that I am not running and not so scared anymore.

Then I drift off to sleep and it starts all over again. In my dreams, the house changes, in my head I know that the floor plan is now new and I have to start searching the house all over again. I have had this dream for 20 years and years ago I got savvy in my dreams, realized that this was not fair - so I always scream this into the heavens (I'm never very nice about it not being fair that the house changed) and Gary has never mentioned that I am screaming in my sleep - so everything is nice an neatly contained in this strange thing inside my scull. I do this over and over again until I get up and stop the cycle by just staying awake or until the magic of 'morning light' hits my face and I am up for the day. But generally there is an epiphany waiting while I am laying there exhausted.

Last night? I was stupid and did not get up - I was tired and for some reason the little 'post it' in my head that tells me that I would get more rest awake than I would asleep running full speed screaming in strange houses was not on the bulletin board, so forgot. I woke up and morning was here ... and 4 words played over and over in my head: "What have I done?".

This always plays out better when Gary is here, but with him in London, I can talk to him, not like if he is off camping with the scouts and no: 'super cell phone I can get him anywhere in the world ...so far' with him. So I have that, will talk to him in a few hours, after he has dinner and the darkness swirling in my stomach and head will let up a bit, the panic will probably stay. But, what have I done?

This morning, I was thinking of a procedure when Jessie had just been born. She was still at St. Benedict's in Ogden, so before she was airlifted to Primary Children's in renal failure. They were going to do a spinal tap and told me I needed to leave the room. I asked them why? They told me that was just the way it was, and I figured it out. They did not want me in there, because they did not want me to see what they were going to do to my baby. I promised them I would stand with my back touching the wall and not say a word, but if they made me leave I would imagine something much worse that they were doing to my baby. He let me stay !? I guess because they knew Craig I was 'given a break', as I kept my promise and watched, quietly, tears running down my face. I realized that I was out of my league in terms of horrible things they could do to my baby - got better over the years - now I have a whole library - but that was the first time, the time I realized that there were some things that moms just shouldn't see - but me? I WANT TO SEE THEM. I need to see them. I NEED to know what is happening to my daughter.

And now I am in the same situation, but they politely escorted me out of the door and said to call any time and they would let me know how she was doing. They say she is doing fine, but do I believe that? No, they would say that no matter if she was begging to come home every ten minutes. The problem is ... I need to know she is still asking to come home so I can help her, but I have no information - just good news and I am suspicious. I need them to stop telling me what I want to hear and be honest. She stopped calling. Has she given up, or are they just not dialing the number any more? How am I supposed to know? She can't tell me. Which scenario is more pitiful? I really don't know.

Yeah, I am in trouble here, but it will pass. There is a small part of my brain that is still logical that is whispering that this 'Jessie panic attack' will pass, the bear will stop chasing me, the feeling that I have done something horribly wrong will go away and one of these nights, when I dare let myself fall asleep ... I will get some sleep.

But, I'm waiting for Gary to get home before I even think of going to bed again.

And I KNOW that's nuts.

Distractions

Dear Jessie,

It has been 4 weeks since I dropped you off at Richmond State School. All in all, things have been fine - but only because I was 'blessed' with so many distractions, and the people you live with have been so kind to keep me informed. They love you dearly and wish they could clone you. You have adapted well and so I have not had to worry about you at all - just me. I am slower to adapt than you, go figure.

When I dropped you off, daddy was gone, and since his job is to keep me sane ... I thought huge problems would arise. But, I did pretty well for those days, because I was too busy preparing for my Super Craft Saturday - which went pretty well - and that is based on the fact that the church is still standing and not a pile of smoking rubble.

I was pretty worried about what would happen after the Craft Saturday, since I thought I would have nothing to do but think... And before I could get all worked up? I was preparing for a hurricane! You didn't do that did you? Cause, I really could have done without all the fuss, and hysterics and the blowing and crashing and man, I gave all 3 of our air conditioners hugs today (I had said I would ...) - it is hot and humid down here!

I tried to call you last night and you were asleep. It was 6:00pm? They said you didn't want to get on the bus in Brenham, and they had to sedate you. SEDATE YOU!?! I pictured one of those horrible psychiatric movies where two burly men in white lab coats hold you down screaming while some evil doctor sticks a big needle in your neck. It. Was. NOT. A. Good. Night. Let out some of that pent up panic / worrying / crying / screaming ... probably needed to, but only for a few minutes instead of hours like I should have / would have.

So ... daddy is now on an airplane to London. Yes, I told you that on the phone today and you were sad you could not talk to him. Me? I am sad that I will be batshit crazy by the time he gets home - but not to worry, he can always make me feel sane once he gets home. (The secret?: He loves me just the way I am and does not care that I am batshit crazy ... if he can hop on a plane every now and then ... And for some reason, that makes me less crazy, weird huh?) .

I am sorry your 4 weeks have been so exciting for you - a lot of workshop before school started - and I know how much you love school. Just to have to leave after 3 days of school and evacuate to Brenham - somewhere new and unfamiliar. But, you know what? The only thing I could think about while things were getting 'funky' during the storm was I was SO glad you were safe and did not have to weather this - since you would not understand.

I think the school will be good for you - it will help you become an adult and leave your childhood behind, but now I know - it will keep you safe also.

Sweet dreams tonight baby, mommy loves you.

Murphy's Law

So, it is Monday afternoon, and here is our kitchen:

I look a wee bit ... lazy? Behind? No: superstitious. Gary and I decided that we would wait a bit longer to dump out all our water. Last report we saw 81% of those hit by Ike did not have power, and yes - we are thrilled to be part of that 19%, but every time the power goes out - it is not real stable - we panic a bit. Houston has been told to boil there water, and I am just positive - as soon as we dump all this water - our water supply will become defiled also in some way.

It's about 2:00pm and Gary and Ryan have been gone since 9:00am. The ward members decided to head to an older area here that was hit hard and rove around in packs fixing things. I guess people let them since they have been gone over 5 hours. But ... they will be home soon. They have been pacing the floor like caged animals. During the power outage, I was fine to lay in bed with a battery operated fan blowing on me and read a book. Gary read during intermittent periods of pacing, but Ryan?

Ryan on the other hand, just stared / paced / asked if he could just drive around (no, the news said NO ONE on the roads) / paced / sighed / whined / asked me what he could do. I said: "Read a book, do your homework, go for a walk, make lunch, build Dads legos for his scout merit badge day, go jogging, listen to your ipod, clean your room, pick up your crap in the house, take the garbage out, read the Time magazine you stole from me yesterday, watch a movie on the laptop – it is charged, put the dishes I washed away, play one of your handheld games." "So,” he says "there is nothing to do?" (yes, you could be strangled by your mother …). Ryan did not have school last Friday and now: Monday and Tuesday. With electricty and the internet there is more for him to do, but still - if they stayed out until late Tuesday night, I wouldn't mind.

Jessie is on her way back to Richmond State School today - based on a message I get when I call RSS. It said I would get a call when she was back. It will be good to know she is back and settled. Gary will be in London for a couple of weeks (he is fleeing to London tomorrow ... that pacing, boredom, caged up like an animal thing ...), but I think I can handle getting her and dropping her off on my own one of these days.

Sunset on Hurricane Ike

Snapped a photo of Saturday nights sunset:

We were busy watching the ending of a movie when I snapped this photo. We had started it Friday, prepared and bored, just waiting for Ike to hit, when the power went out at 9:00pm. The storm hit us and pounded on our house from about midnight to 6:00am - Gary slept through it all. We were fairly comfortable (no air conditioning) since we did not heed the advice to sleep in an interior room of the house - which would have been our laundry room or one of our master bedroom closets and just slept in our beds. Although Gary did put a pad in each of our closets so if it got really bad (or, I guess if he woke up) we could go in there and sleep.

We came out just fine - even my plant morgue doesn't look too bad. The boys were bored all day with no power, no air conditioning - with just books and a radio to keep us updated. The radio had said power might not be restored to some areas for 2 - 3 weeks. We were mortified ... and luckily, not one of them. Our power came back on that evening at about 6:00pm.

We were without cable TV or internet, so unable to watch the news still, but just having air conditioning and not losing everything in our fridge and freezer made it seem trivial. Many people, even in our ward and surrounding areas still do not have power - so all the more thankful.

Internet arrived Sunday about 24 hours after power was restored - so now: completely back to normal.

Thanks for your e-mails (got them on my phone), phone calls, concern, thoughts and prayers.

Hurry Up and Wait

Received phone calls from a few of you and just thought that I would give a 'status report'. Gary and Ryan are out getting lunch somewhere since they are bored. We have been watching the news (man ... commercials are as annoying as I remember). They are saying the winds - hopefully where we are just 50 - 70 mph - will start about midnight and continue for 12 or more hours - so straight through the night. They are saying to stay in an interior room. Our options: Gary's master closet, my master closet or the laundry room - way too much family togetherness!!

The laundry room at least has the freezer - which has 120 bottles of frozen water in it. We hear that electricity going out is a given, but for how long, don't know. We have the water and big chunks of ice that will hopefully keep things OK for a while. We might have to have a really big barbecue at some point after the storm! Since there are a bunch of evacuated missionaries with the Randall's, Normans and others in the ward maybe we have a big missionary dinner. We signed up a month ago to feed the missionaries on Sunday ...
We have enough water, and a walk in pantry full of food, so we are set:

Plus we have pulled out our 72 hour kits - which expire in just a few days since I made them last year at an enrichment night in September. We have radios, flashlights, first aid kits ... all we need is the cards and we are in for ooodles of fun all night long.

The weather right now is fine - getting a bit windy, but we plan on watching DVD's all day and trying not to kill each other. Then - who knows - maybe we all will be assigned to our own walk in closet - sequester ourselves for survival.


Glad I let Jessie evacuate with RSS - it would have been a mess with her here - especially if the power goes out (I hear it is a when and for how long - but I don't know if I should believe the news people -they seem to be sensationalizing everything).


If we lose power for very long - we will make any repairs that need to be made - then take Connie up on her offer and head to Dallas for a visit. Thanks Dallas Hurst's.

.... Something tells me Gary is not flying to London on Sunday ....

Lori's Plant Morgue

I called this section of our patio my 'Plant Infirmary', where I took plants that were 'sick' inside to get some sun. Gary and Ryan call it my 'Plant Morgue': where Lori's plants go to die - so it should probably be called 'Lori's Plant Hospice'.

All the plants I planted one day in a fit of gardening madness have miraculously survived my neglect and abuse. Apparently that works for them. With the hurricane a'comin, I thought that I would take photos just in case ....

I have photographic evidence that I have actually kept a few plants alive. But I have to confess ... the pretty pink flowers on the weird spiky plant in the two big pots? I didn't plant that. I saw one little spiky thingy one day amongst the dead plants inhabiting one of the pots and it spread to the other pot. All there was was one pink flower for the longest time. They are weird flowers - they close up most of the day and all night, but when the sun hits the area, they open up for just a few hours. I will have to find out what it is. Any ideas? Here is a close up:

Each of the bud like looking things eventually becomes a flower. Dies a few days later and falls off. I personally think it is my magic statue / water feeder keeping everything alive - I got it just about the same time ...

Ah, well, Ryan just called and said school is cancelled tomorrow due to the hurricane, Gary is flying home tonight instead of tomorrow night ... I guess plants are the least of my troubles right now.

Gota go.

A Typical Conversation ... Now

The (Real) Phone Rings:

Lori: Hello?
Jessie: Hi, Mom!!!
Lori: Hey baby!! How are you?
Jessie: Mom?
Lori: What?
Jessie: Where's Charlie?
Lori: She's hiding in the closet.
Jessie: ( a 'Jessie laugh' - also on my top 10 things I miss the most)
Lori: What did you do today?
Jessie: Workshop.
Lori: What did you work on?
Jessie: I did the bolts!
Lori: Did you have fun?
Jessie: Yeah, I work with Carrie Ann!
Lori: Is she your friend?
Jessie: Yeah. Mom?
Lori: What sweetie?
Jessie: Can you come get me?
Lori: No baby. That is where you live now, you are at Jessie's new home.
Jessie: Mom?
Lori: What?
Jessie: Where is daddy?
Lori: He's working.
Jessie: Mom?
Lori: What baby?
Jessie: Can I come home?
Lori: No, sweetie, that is where you live now. Do you sleep with your quilt?
Jessie: Yeah!
Lori: And your puppy?
Jessie: Yeah!
Lori: You are OK, baby, you are a big girl now. Living on your own, mommy is so proud!
Jessie: Yeah ... Mom?
Lori: What?
Jessie: Where's Charlie?
Lori: I already answered that, it's probably time for you to go. What are you going to do next?
Jessie: Have dinner.
Lori: Cool! You have a good dinner. We need to say good bye.
Jessie: Bye mom.
Lori: Bye baby, mommy loves you.

Jessie has not called me since last Friday. I saw her Sunday, so last night I realized that I had not talked to her for 3 days. She evacuated today to Brenham State School till I don't know when, so I won't get to hear her voice for at least a week. I did not realize how much I would miss our phone conversations.

I did not realize how quiet the house would get when Gary is out of town and Ryan is at work and I am more alone than I have ever been. No Disney Channel, no finger phone conversations, no playing with Charlie, no huge belly laughs.

I wander through the house and sometimes I will hear sounds, like echoes of sounds past - ghost sounds ... so I turn up my satellite radio or iPod louder. But still - with the music blaring and rattling the windows ...

I restlessly roam ... lost and wonder how it can still be so quiet?

Hurricanes, Evacuations and Tornados

We watched news reports while living in Norway on hurricanes Katrina and Rita. International News reports: vastly different from what I was reading on the internet on MSNBC.com. If there is one thing I learned about the the news while living abroad is that you can take any story and 'spin' it however you want. The gist was always for ANYTHING that the Americans were a 'bloody incompetent lot'. It got old, so I stopped watching much news. Even now I surf the web for my news, I don't even know my cable station number for CNN, NBC ... none of 'em.

.

We got back and noticed something odd - people had changed when it came to hurricanes. The word that comes to mind is 'skittish'. It seemed as if they were / are always over reacting and since we were not here - whatever had happened to them, had not happened to us. So this summer we have just shook our heads over some of the things going on.

.

Jessie is being evacuated tomorrow to Brenham State school till I don't know when. Gary is catching an early flight home on Friday since his company was suggesting this, and Ryan and I discussed it all while renewing his drivers license and eating out. We were shaking our heads.

Then, this evening I remembered ...

.

I remember the day a tornado hit our other house when we lived in Sugar Land before moving to Norway. Jessie was home and we were upstairs. I picked her up and ran down the stairs to get into the only interior room we had in the house - a half bath. Our dog Chance would not come. I was screaming like a maniac at him and he could tell something was wrong, but he was no way going in that tiny room. I kept the door open trying to coax him in, afraid glass would shatter any moment and hurt him. I watch the trees in our back yard bend to a 45 degree angle, and chunks of fence swirl around. I have never seen (or heard) anything like what I saw out those windows before or since. When it has passed, there was a boat in the street, power lines down, part of our roof gone and trees all over our front yard.

.

I remembered that still - if the sky gets dark and swirly, so does my stomach.

.

I remembered calling my mom in the middle of a full blown panic attack because the sound of the rain lashing at our front door reminded me of the sound right before the tornado hit.

.

I remember driving into bad weather last year, watched a funnel cloud dip down out of the dark mass of clouds and feeling as if all the blood in my body was heading to parts unknown ... as if I was going into hypovolemic shock.

.

I watch Ryan, also, as the sky gets dark - he starts to panic (he was at school under his desk when the tornado went through - Jessie was home sick).

.

So ... who are we to judge?

Not a Single Funnel Mishap....

Anybody need a funnel? I have a few. The good news is that they worked fine (especially when used with the 'Linda's funnel plunger' - basically a dowel, but 'Linda's funnel plunger' sounds better). All in all I believe the activity was a success. I am 0 - 4 in not burning down the Church during an Enrichment Night (day) and this time we were actually using irons and hot glue guns! I have been told by a few women that they had a great time and that it was wonderful which I attribute less to my skills as Enrichment Leader and my 'Craftiness' than the fact that they got to go home with free stuff.

Friday, at some moment when I was not obsessing about Enrichment Night or actually doing some required work for it - it occurred to me that my GREAT DISTRACTION would be gone at 3:00pm on Saturday - then what was I going to do? I never actually got that far in my head. I had the morning mapped out - last minute asking Gary and Ryan if they would go get some of the craft stuff at Cathy's home and take it to the church. Gary asked if they would need both trucks and I was thinking, well Tiffany Kamp had come an taken the stamp stuff early, so ... probably not. When they showed up he looked at me like I was from the planet 'Understated' since they barely fit everything in both trucks ... but I actually come from the planet 'Can't Estimate to Save My Life' - different galaxies. I had not actually mapped out the areas in the church where things would go since I needed to see the stuff at the chuch (that planet thing), but that went fairly smoothly once the experts arrived and just set up their stuff.

I knew we would have some clean up, but after that? Nothing. Complete blank ... as if the Earth was going to cease to exist at around 3:00pm on Saturday. My distraction may be gone, but the detritus from said distraction is still in my house. I had Ryan take all the boxes and put them in my craft room ... I'm sure there is about a week of avoiding it (as long as I don't have to walk in the room, that is) and about that much time putting stuff away. I came home, made Ryan put the stuff upstairs then just collapsed in bed - I don't remember what else I actually did yesterday ... So - a good two weeks of distractions to look forward to. Gary will be in Phoenix the first week of that and London the second, so Ryan will bear the brunt of any storms that happen the brew.

Gary picked Jessie up for church today. He has a car service that picks him up and takes him to the airport and he needed to be home before church actually ends, so he got her for Sacrament meeting then fed her peanut butter sandwiches and dropped her back off. Thus, we were in separate cars. When I walked in the chapel and spotted them, the first thing I thought was how lovely Jessie looked in the dress she was wearing. I have no idea whose it was, but it was a purple top and skirt and way nicer than what I had sent her to RSS with. Her hair had been cut and you could tell that it had been cut by an actual stylist and not her mother and had been styled that morning so she looked good. She had a sore on her face - like a big scrape but when I asked if she fell, she said no. This is the frustrating part - just so you know - the part were she cannot tell me things I want to know. I will call tomorrow and see if I can find out what happened.

Jessie got to say 'hi' to some people and be loud during the meeting, we thought we would try to do this once a month and see how it goes. Don't know how the drop off went - which I guess is the point to Gary taking her and dropping her off (so I don't kick puppies when I get home), but I am assuming he will keep me informed. She starts school on Tuesday and that will be good. She has enjoyed 'workshop' but will still be doing that in addtion to school once transportation gets worked out.

This sound pretty much like a 'what I did over the weekend' and pretty boring ... just reporting in I guess.

Funnels, ARD’s, Lost Keys and the Tin Man

Since sleep still eludes me, I thought that I would ‘soldier on’ with my ramblings of a mad woman.

I am on a quest for the perfect funnel. Not that I want one … I NEED one. Rather, I need about 10 – for my Super Craft Saturday Enrichment Activity. I know – it’s just a funnel, but it is complicated … really … and I am too tired to fully explain. It involves diameter, the length of the average clove (or more importantly the deviation from said average), the width of a channel sewn in cloth, the projected patience of a woman on a Saturday morning with a sewing machine and probably π to about 10 decimal places, but I am holding off on the π part till the last minute . Some of these variables are unknowns, but what is a known is that I am knee deep in funnels … orange plastic funnels, metal funnels, funnels made out of cardstock. I am just in a ‘funnel nightmare’ – who knew there could be such a thing?

Distracting me from my funnel nightmare today, I had an ARD for Jessie at her new school. Since the hours of sleep I have accomplished since Sunday night barely gets me out of single digits, I guess it is no surprise that I didn’t realize that Jessie would be at the ARD until Gary this morning said: “Give Jessie a hug for me.” She is looking good – for someone learning how to brush her own teeth, wash her own hair and for some reason wearing some other persons clothing … but it was all good. Like I said … distracted.

She is very excited to start school and the school looks great. She seemed OK coming in with RSS staff and leaving with them, so still adapting well. Me? I’m doing OK as long as I am worrying about funnels – so there you go. You can’t say I don’t have great coping skills.

In the middle of all this, yesterday I went to my doctor, got poked and prodded and headed to Walgreens for a prescription. Came home, got in the house, tossed my keys in the Walgreens bag to better facilitate the dogs frantic demands for her reward for keeping the house free of riff raff, thieves, robbers and whatnot while I was gone. Garbage had not been picked up, my good friend Mr. Amazon had stopped by, and my OCD was in full swing so I grabbed my prescription, stuffed the Walgreens bag in the box, picked up every other piece of garbage in the house and got it to the can … so proud of myself! Ten whole minutes of a garbage free home & just in the nick of time ... the truck rumbled over right after. Thus – making another wonderful distraction: looking for my keys. After walking through my movements I resigned myself to the fact that my keys new address was the local landfill. Got the spares … to go in search of funnels.

Imagine my surprise when I found my keys:

Now, if I could just find that perfect funnel ......

The Tin Man? I discovered Charlie looks SO CUTE wearing the metal funnel – it fits perfectly!

Dear Jessie,

Two weeks ago today I dropped you off at Richmond State School. Looking back, you were much stronger than I was that day, and not because you didn’t understand – I could see in your beautiful blue eyes that you knew exactly what was going on. You were saying good bye to your childhood and hello to your independence. I think you have been ready for this for a while – gauging this by your recent behaviours. I’m sorry that I was not ready to let go, sometimes moms get scared, and stuck and just don’t want to say goodbye.

I have been really proud of you these last two weeks. You have made friends, have become more independent, and seem to be fitting in very well. Everyone loves you – which is the one thing that is not a surprise. After 20 years I have yet to find anyone, if willing to give you a chance, that does not see: you - the real ‘you’, your spirit and joy and love for life that seems to take my breath away sometimes.

When I dropped you off on last Sunday, I freaked – where was your quilt? It’s FREAKING HUGE – how does a place LOSE IT? Why were your clothes not marked yet as they said they would be? Where WERE half your clothes? Where was your woobie? I was upset things seemed to not be in order, but you were perfectly fine with things and seemed to want to tell me to calm down, go home, get some sleep and work things out with Angie later – no biggie. You were fine … me? I did not fall asleep at all that night and felt like kicking puppies all day Monday. My mood swings these past two weeks even scare me – I can’t even imagine what Gary and Ryan think, not to mention Charlie – who I can just tell … knows I want to kick a puppy sometimes…. She has become very good at hiding in closets.

While your evacuation standby to Brenham State School due to hurricane Gustav was cancelled, Gary, Ryan & Charlie tried their best to stay clear and out of the path of ‘hurricane Lori’ yesterday, and why? Why was I like that? You didn’t care, you were fine. I can be very dense sometimes. Gary said he would drop you off from now on – you will like that won’t you? Your daddy can be a very smart man when he puts his mind to it.

One day, I promise I will adapt to this situation as well as you have. I owe you that. I owe you so much and I wish so much I could tell you what you mean to me. This letter will be read, but not by you, sweetie, because you cannot read … and it makes me cry. But maybe just putting it out there: out there with the bazillion other bits and bytes, the ether, or heavens, or the minds of those who read this – it will somehow find its’ way to your heart.

.

I want to tell you so many things, make sure you are ready for this next stage of your life, but I cannot and I think that is what is frustrating me the most - so much to tell you and being unable to even try.

The funny part? You already, somehow, seem to know….

Take care, my sweet girl, momma loves you.

Matryoshka dolls

I made Ryan clean out his closet the other day because it scared me. It is a walk in closet that could not be walked in. I was too chicken to dig through the pile, afraid of what I might find: a litter of kittens, grilled cheese sandwiches, waffle irons ... who knew?

He did a great job and luckily there were no dead bodies of any sort. He piled everything he did not want / did not fit any more in the family room upstairs. So today I was up there itemizing stuff to donate.

Our family room upstairs is rarely used and is where most of my collection of toys that I bought in different countries live. I have a collection of Russian Nesting Dolls. Every now and then, I take them apart, now that we live in Houston and it is more humid then their home town of Moskvá, so that they won't permanently fuse.

Usually, I pull them apart, then put them together - neatly lining up the beautiful painting so that the top and bottom match, standing them up in a row, biggest to smallest ... in honor of my OCD. Today, I just piled one up and stared at it for a very, very, very long time:

There are 9 dolls in it, just like all of these:

Something tells me that I need to probably work on getting my life looking more like my little blue ladies here, or even my Red Ladies - everything hidden inside, neatly, but there - when I want to get to it. It occurred to me that I just need to start ... one at a time, littlest first...

No problem at all.

Better Photos of Gary's Baby Swimmin'

I thought I would add a few photos we got today of Gary's baby leaving Algeciras, Spain (with the Rock of Gibralter in the background) on its' final destination in Venice, Italy. Watching the video - it looked like quite a production.

If you click on the photo (especially the second and third) you get a good view of the entire structure.