Gary still has a job...

Here is Gary's baby off for its final swim to Venice, Italy from Spain.

Yes, it is exactly is what it looks like: a floating chunk of concrete (with 20,000 tons of processing equipment on top of it). Most my family has mentioned that 'gee - it's ... concrete ... and I am pretty sure that stuff sinks in water ...' - so pretty much Gary is magic (or has a masters in Structural Engineering and damn smart if I say so myself ... and a wee bit magic). Why does it float? - cause it's full of steel silly! Ok, hollow steel somethings or others that hold the pressurised liquid natural gas. Whenever this subject rears its' head, Gary just sighs and say "Archimedes Principle still works" assuming that the rest of us just thought that all laws of Physics went down the toilet when it comes to Gary's work. (By the By in Wikipedia: Archimedes Principle says: blah, blah, blah .... The net upward buoyancy force is equal to the magnitude of the weight of fluid displaced by the body. And then a bunch of blah, blah, blah, but you get the gist, I'm sure....).

Oh, the title: I always ask him what would happen if something he designed sunk .....

"Retail Therapy"

Gary is one of those lucky husbands that has a wife that feels better when she shops. My friend the other day put a name to it that I had not heard: "Retail Therapy". Currently it is cheaper than the real thing, unless you count everything I have purchased for my big Super Saturday - which has been a blessing. It is a huge distraction and a lot to do - Super Craft Saturdays don't get done by themselves ... and I decided not to delegate so that I HAD to get up and do something. Currently I am proud to announce it is a week away and all I have to do is find a few funnels and buy some ink pads - did the rest this week - so I didn't sit and stare at the walls all of the time. Now just pretty much terrified with the amount of extra time that leaves in the next 161 hours (exactly).

I found this box and it felt 'right' - so, I bought it. Don't know where it lives right now we just stare at each other kinda getting use to the idea of having a Willow Tree box living in the house with me.

Of course, it was the quote that clinched it: "Protect and cherish, give wings to fly".

I sit at my desk and look at it and wonder if she was ready when I pushed her out of the nest ... I guess time will tell....

Jessie's Mom

Sitting in the dark last night, wondering why I can't sleep, get anything done and just stare at the walls, I thought: I'm "Jessie's Mom". I have been for some time. Doctors would ask, "Are you Jessie's mom?" and then tell me the news - good, bad, devastating, whatever. I would be at the store and people would ask "Are you Jessie's Mom?" - the answer was always yes. I was ALWAYS "Jessie's Mom" - there was no way to stop, no breaks, no reprieve.

I realize that being Jessie's Mom was a full time job. She would be up in the middle of the night often, wet and I would get her changed and back in bed - so I did not stop even at night. While she was at school I hurried to get all the things done that other people just did ... anytime - but when Jessie came home, things were different. I used to tell people when we were trying to schedule things that my life ended at exactly 2:15pm Mon - Fri. I had to be home to get Jessie off the bus, and then it was 'Jessie time'.

Obviously that is all gone now. She calls, daily - sometimes more than once and sounds good, but always asks if I can come and get her and bring her home. Sometimes it is very hard to tell her that is where she lives now and that I would see her soon. So small moments of "Jessie's Mom" and some of the hardest part of being "Jessie's Mom". But this is such a small part of my day it does not really count.

I realized at exactly 2:57am this morning that I had lost "Lori". Twenty years of being "Jessie's Mom" is a long time. The little parts that weren't "Jessie's Mom" I was "Ryan's Mom" and "Gary's Wife" I ran out of time ... for me.

So, I have a piece of paper in my wallet, small - like a Chinese fortune cookie fortune - saying: "Find Lori" - and it is my number one goal right now. After 20 years, I am assuming it might take some time, but I will get there.

I just have to figure out how to start.

OK, maybe the glass is half empty today...

I wake up when I wake up and I feel it. I get up and wander this huge house and I feel it. I try to get things done, anything - I have a whole list - and I would be so proud to mark anything off it - one thing and I would say that I have my 'act together', but can't seem to because I am distracted with 'that feeling'.

It is always there, just out of my grasp - like a scent long past, but every now and again you get a whiff of it, it flows past your face like a silk scarf on the breeze and you remember. Jessie's spirit is gone and has left such a hole in this house and our family that I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get it back. I don't miss the yelling, the cleaning up blood, the hitting, but I would give anything to have her sitting in the living room right now talking to daddy on her finger phone telling him how her day went, because, you know what I just realized? Her days are always GREAT! She saw the wonders of the universe in my flowers outside. She talked to angels on the phone. She knows more about Christ than I do. I truly think she can talk to the dog. Her happiness, and pureness, and closeness to God drifted in and out of her just as she breathed, wafted and filled our house with an intangible protection. An we, unknowinglly, unseeingly ignored it ... until it was gone and now we can't figure out what is wrong.

And now she is sharing that with others. Last time I spoke to an adult at RSS, they said they wished they had 10 Jessie's.

Me Too....

Jessie's first visit home

Gary wanted to see Jessie and I was concerned about her seeing us. We were going to go over to RSS and take Charlie with us, but Gary realized he had a meeting with his scouts this evening, so suggested that we pick her up after church - she is about 5 minutes from church. I called and they said this would be fine.

She seemed very happy to see us. A bit of a problem that she could not find her cards (a roommate had hidden them under Jessie's pillow -because she was afraid 'x' was going to tear them up). So I got the cards, we loaded in the truck and home we came. She kept screaming 'the quilt'!, the quilt! and we kept telling her that she was coming back and would be sleeping with the quilt.

Gary and Charlie and Jessie watched a movie while I zoned in bed, lovely rest, just never can get as far as sleep. It was time to go.

A couple of times when they were in the family room, she yelled 'I don't want to go back', but then didn't obsess about it or cry or anything. When the time actually came, she gave me and Charlie hugs said good bye and was off to her new friends with a smile on her face.

OK, Y'all ... stop yer cryin' ...

I am sure Gary and I are doing enough of that for everyone - and we are all doing fine here. And, yes, Gary calls each day and we discuss the day - he always apologizes for not being here, and since he has been pretty emotional, maybe Spain is a good place for him right now - I only had to worry about Jessie, Ryan and my own emotions this week - maybe that was enough.

So - I thought that I would share some positives and 'funnies' from the past 3 days.

Monday - yes, I wanted to kill Jessie's lawyer, but when I spoke with Vicki Vacek on Tuesday morning and asked her if that was a bit weird - she said it was totally bizarre and she had never seen anything like it.... but the other couples lawyer didn't show - so they had to come back another day. Dudes - I would have rather been grilled for hours than not have him show - I am so grateful I did not have to re-schedule anything.


Wednesday - I called Jessies social worker - thought that maybe I should give her a name: Angie. She told me to rethink growing Jessie's hair out. On Tuesday at intake she had asked me if we wanted their beauty parlor people to take care of her hair. I told her yes, since I just cut it off with a blunt knife (kidding - but that is what it looks like). I told her she does not like elastics or clips in her hair so it needs to stay short. S0 - she was asking me to rethink her hair. She said the beauty parlor could braid it. She then went on to say she had seen LDS womens hair and thought it looked so beautiful braided. I thought this odd, but said, well if she wanted to try ... go ahead. As I hung up I realized: OH. MY. GOSH - SHE THINKS WE ARE FUNDAMENTALST LDS! EEEEEEEEW! You know I have been called a bunch of not so flattering things - but this one grossed me out the worst. I guess Gary showed up to the original intake with just one of his wives....

So - today I get the special opportunity of setting Angie straight and to try not to become a spitting, freaked out lunatic when I try to explain that no, I am generally not dressed in a lovely pastel, handmade dress. NO ONE has ever made the mistake of thinking I was FLDS - go figure - I wonder why?

So - any ideas on what to say to her rather than me just blurting out - YOU THINK WE ARE TOTAL FREAKS - WE ARE ONLY MORMON FREAKS (just a little freaky) ... let me know. Linda says there is a news release on the LDS website discussing the differences so I will try to get her e-mail address and (man I would love to write this rather than do it by phone) send her the link.

That is the sum total of what I need to do today - SET ANGIE STRAIGHT.

I called this morning and said that I really did not think that me speaking with Jessie was helping her (or me) and that I needed to give it some time, but really needed updates on her. They said she asks about going home, and they tell her she lives there now, and she is all "Ok, when do we eat?". They said she says she does not want to go to work, but then goes and the people at the 'work' place say she is enjoying herself and doing a great job. She showers both morning and evening - so my worries she won't stay clean are pretty much put to rest. And all in all they said each day she has become more social with the others and is smiling and acting pretty good. It was all good news, and good to hear. They also said she has been having a bunch of testing and dr / dentist appointments and that the nurse keeps telling them that her mother had taken such good care of her - flattering, yes, but hopefully they will get the message that said mother will kick there asses if she is in anyway neglected, not taken care of, etc - just sayin'...

So - we are all doing fine her. The house is so quiet I want to burst into tears every other second - but that is just normal - I am pretty sure. I have not had to get up early, break my back bathing Jess, or any other of the no-so-fun stuff I have had to deal with lately - so I dwell on those.

I think I am going to give her a month before phone calls from everyone - I hope that is OK, with y'all. I think she needs some time to process where she is. I would love to be able to tell Gary we are not going to see her for a month - but I am pretty sure short of sedating him for a month will keep him away. I don't know if it will be good or bad for her - but it will be good for Gary - so we will go as a family (maybe I will ask if I can bring Charlie) and just stay on site and go that way. I think that would cause her the least amount of regression - but that is some mother just rambling - I have no idea what I am talking about - just flying by the seat of my pants here.

Thank you for the comments - they have meant a lot to me. I will get the address of where you can send Jessie something - I think that won't be as confusing for her - it might be - but she will have something tangible she can look at that is new and that will brighten her day and I think confuse her less. I appreciate the prayers, that our names are in multiple temples and I know that I am dealing far better with this than I would have been 'alone' - so thanks again for your kind words, prayers and thoughts.

Lori

24 Hours and Counting ...

(I keep loosing my spacing, and had to put a '.' on the rows between paragraphs - too lazy to figure it out in HTML and too lazy to re-type it - so that is why they are there)

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Jessie and I showed up at Richmond State School (RSS) at 10:00 am yesterday. We had an intake meeting with her team - about 15 people including a social worker, psychologist, nurse, occupational therapist, vocational therapist, singing group leader, swimming leader, animal group person (I forget their title - there is are animals at RSS - horses they can ride and care for, and smaller animals they can play with - Jessie is set to work with the animals), and others who I forget who they are - supervisors, leaders of the whole school, the building she lives in (San Jacinto) and more.

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Jessie just sat there and answered a few questions, but was mostly Jessie fixating on her new quilt I gave her right before we left for the school. I told her it was for her new bed. She was very excited and called to thank Linda for putting it together (Linda - I did tell Jessie I 'made' it and you put it together - I am not sure she understood the distinction - but I know it is important to you that Jessie know I 'made' it even though I would say that you made it).

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When that was done, we were to go over to her new house: a building with 6 bedrooms, some bathrooms a community room - large with 2 tv's - in separate corners, couches, tables, etc, a kitchen with tables - tries to look homey - but seats 18 - so a little 'cafeteria-ish'. Some other rooms - a game room, an entry with a phone they can make calls on, the aides station, an other places - I was turned around and a bit lost - so more rooms that I don't know what they are.

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When we got to her room, the said it was temporary. We had mentioned that we wanted to bring Jessie's computer and two other women had computers so they were running computer lines into one of the rooms - a larger room that would facilitate desks better and Jessie would be moving into that room once they moved the other woman out. Her social worker (the one the 'does' everything for Jessie) said the two other women were higher functioning and very verbal and Jessie would enjoy being with them.

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But, as I said, when we got there - they indicated a bed in a temporary room. There was no armoire for her clothes and I asked about it. Since I was now speaking to aides, I was not getting anywhere. They indicated that all her clothes would need to be marked before being put away anyway - it is an iron on lable with her name on it - sort of felt 'prison-ish' but I understand it needs to be done. Even her underwear and socks - but she has funky socks and it would be sad if she lost them - she enjoys picking out her socks for the day.

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Needless to say, there was no set up. I put her containers of toys and books on the floor and her suitcase ready for processing and her quilt and pillow on the bed. Jessie still had her backpack with her containing her essentials - so I pulled out her woobie, dog book and Ariel blanket and asked her what she wanted to do. She sat down on the bed and looked very dejected.

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I was a little panicy since I had not prepared for 'dejected'. Exicted and telling me goodbye and pushing me out the door, crying and asking me to take her home - them I had worked out in my mind - but Jessie is never quiet and depressed/defeated acting. I asked her where her new bed was, and she answered 'here'. I asked here where mommy and daddy lived - and she said 'home'. I asked her where her new home was and she said 'here'. So she seemed to have a bit of a grasp on the situation. I told her that I needed to go and she quietly said 'I know' - which was very hard to take with a smile on my face. I told her good bye as she sat on the bed and refused to go anywhere with her aide. She has a one to one aide for at least the first 24 hours to stay with her at all times and make sure she knows where everything is and helps her. After 24 hours they re-evaluate and see if she needs it to continue.

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As I was leaving I realized that I did not bring an eyeglass case and there was no where to set her glasses at night. I could not meet to finish paperwork until after 1:00 and it was only 11:30 and I was feeling very naseous, so I left and got a coke, but kept driving all the way home thinking I would get an eyeglass case and come back. I promptly threw up when I got home. I called the social worker about the paper work and that I was not feeling well and to call me when it was a good time to come back in and finish. She called me back, said she would get Jessie an armoire and nightstand and a case for her glasses, and that tomorrow (today) would be a better time to finish up. It was nothing pressing.

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So I did not return that day and had meant to take photos. All I got was the view out of the front of her 'home'. There are picnic tables and she is close to the stables. Every year at Christmas they do a huge Christmas lights display and I hear that the majority of the displays are close by where she lives - so she will really enjoy that.

Jessie's front yard

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I called and spoke with the aide station that afternoon and said she was off being evaluated for vocational training. They have contracts to to work - easy stuff that Jessie is able to do and they get paid for it. There is a small gift shop on campus where they can buy thing and every Saturday they go shopping for small items - just to have fun and learn how to purchase items. They said she will be 'working' until school starts next week. They mentioned that if I called after 6:00pm dinner that I could speak with her.

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I called at 7:00 and they had been telling Jessie I was calling and put her on the phone. She sounded upbeat and told me that she had been working and had taken a shower. I asked her if she had done it by herself and she said no, the lady had helped her. She said she had picked the polka dot socks. I told her good bye and she seemed ok.

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I was up most the night throwing up (I think I have a huge ulcer since I seem to start throwing up at times of stress and when acid has poured into my stomach), so our scheduled time of 'after 10:00am' to come in seemed a bit problematic - so I called her social worker. She mentioned that she had moved her to her new room and she had her armoire and bedside table - so I felt better about her room situation. We can now go see how much room she has and Gary is planning on building a bedroom set that will include the bed (with storage in the headboard), and armoire, a desk and shelves. We just needed to see how much space she had.

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I then called the aide station to see how she had done and they said fine. She had showered again this morning, then gone to 'work'. She was back and they asked if I wanted to talk to her. Of course I said yes, but she was down again and repeatedly asked if she could come home. I kept telling her that was her new home and that I would come visit her soon. At least I was prepared for this - doesn't make it any more fun though. I will set up a time to go. The social worker mentioned that I could do the stuff I was going to do by mail - so not going in today. After hearing Jessie - I don't think it would be a good idea to see her for a while anyway - see if she can get her bearings a bit before messing her up and visiting.

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So that is all that has happened in the past 24 hours. I won't be as detailed in the rest of her days, but that way y'all know and I don't have to repeat myself over and over.

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Headed off to bed for a bit...

Steve Monk Attorney-At-Law: Second Act

They said that the commitment hearing was just a quick formality - the paperwork just needed to be done ....

... they lied.

There were multiple hearings / cases (?) on the docket so an audience full of people (picture Night Court ... but without the hookers). My hearing was third, after two probate hearings that took exactly a minute and a half each. I was thinking this was going to be cake. The ADA (assistant district attorney) said he would ask Vicki (from Texana) a few questions then ask me a couple and that would be it.

We were sworn in and then the ADA made an initial statement with 3 documents he asked to be admitted into evidence. My first clue things might be a wee bit more than 'just a formality' was when Steve Monk Attorney-At-Law for Jessie objected to one item. Seriously thought the dude was just a place holder. The judge let it in. My second clue was when on cross examination of Vicki Vacek, he asked her if she had seen any of the 'alleged violence' towards me (one of the reasons for Jessie going to Richmond State School) ... of course she said 'no' since I had not thought to drive right over to her office while bleeding so she could see.

True to his word, the ADA asked me a couple of questions. No one had mentioned that I would be cross examined - I guess I should have known, but you know me: stupid, stupid, stupid.

I was good, I answered every one of his 50 or so questions truthfully and with no emotion, just the facts. He seemed to think she would be better off at home or waiting for a group home to come around, or was just doing the shitty stuff lawyers do on cross. Like this was easy for me - committing my child to Richmond State School - lets just dick with the mom's head for fun. Ok, maybe due diligence for his client (Jessica) but what he thought was in her best interest was not in her best interest and maybe since he had seen her for, oh, I don't know - 10 minutes tops - he would not be the best judge of what would be good for Jessie and what would not be. So I am back with him just wanting to dick with my head or entertain himself on an otherwise boring afternoon....

The judge granted the commitment.

I am sure everyone else in the audience wondered why, after I had turned away from the judge and lawyers and walked from the room - was I crying? I won after all ... didn't I?

Pre Court Prep

Events in Jessie’s past have been scrolling through my memory this week. Lying in bed this morning wondering why I could not blog about the next two days and analyzing comments that tell me to stay positive – when I have written about some memory or other that I did not think had a negative spin, I realized that all these events have something in common. They also have something in common with the events of the next two days.

I remember dressing up to go into the intensive care room after Jessie’s cranio-stenosis repair surgery to see her for the first time. They had peeled her face down, cut her skull up and rearranged it, complete with wiring her eyes out. I was warned there was a lot of swelling and she did not look good, and I was alone.

I remember the moment the nurse came in to the waiting room at Texas Children’s Hospital to tell us that Jessie was now successfully on the heart-lung machine – prior to her open heart surgery repair.

I remember leaving her for the first time with a babysitter. Stressing her medications – too little and she would die, too much and she would die (what fun for the babysitter).

I remember worrying about Jessie getting her first period, and what was I going to do about it.

I remember after Jessie had her Grand Mal seizure and was paralyzed down the left side of her body – testing to see if she could move her arm or her leg. The answer was no and I was thinking she had had a stroke.

These things float in while I am thinking about court. Trivial things about court – what should I wear? What are they going to ask me? Am I going to find the room? Was I supposed to call and tell them I was coming? How many people are going to be there? Should I be doing this alone, or should I ask a friend to come along with?(I just tell myself I am a wuss with that question)

They float through while I work on a packing list of things to take to Richmond State School. Does she have enough underwear? Does she need new shoes?

They are there when I think about what I am going to say when I leave her at Richmond State School. What do you say? Here is your new home? See ya later? Have fun?

The memories are all there, intermixed with my current questions – generally so trivial – an odd combination. Then I realized this morning that they all have the same thing in common: I was / am terrified. My scrolling through time is not, I think, a negative thing – it is an affirmation that it was scary, yes – but I got through it and life went on – no big deal. The day came and went, and the next, and the next … and each one got easier. I can do this – even though I am terrified and don’t know what is coming in court and don’t know what to say to Jess when I leave – I will do it and it will be fine, or not so fine, but the days will go by and things will get better with each passing hour, day, week until they become a memory just like the others, and no big deal.


This may sound like I am rambling, but I have sat down to write about going to court six times and could not do it. It is very cathartic for me to write, but having some tell me to think positively, in my mind I infer that my writing sounds like a downer. It is more just me working things through. It is not as scary if I can put it down on ‘paper’.

So I am off to court – in two hours. Terrified, but knowing that I can do it.

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part II, Act IV, Scene II, Line 86....

I go to court on Monday (exactly 3 days, 23 hours and 42 minutes from now) to have Jessie 'committed' to Richmond State School. This, as I have mentioned, was news to me and for some reason bothered me and threw me for a loop. Everyone assured me it is just a formality, but I was still uncomfortable with the whole scenario. But maybe it was not the actual hearing itself that I was uncomfortable with ... Cue the Lawyer - Steve Monk: Attorney-At-Law and representing Jessie.

I thought that I would see him on Monday, sort of a court appointed lawyer – just showing up for the hearing, but yesterday he called and said he needed to speak with Jessie, make sure she understands what is happening to her. “You do realize that mentally she is 3 years old?” I asked, inferring that no amount of esplanin’ was going to get my daughter to understand. He said he reviewed the file and was under the impression that she talks incessantly. Not really understanding this sharp veer off topic – I had to agree with him. Someone had told me that they had obtained a special waiver that exempted Jessie from having to attend the hearing – my thinking: because she would not understand, maybe his thinking: she talks incessantly.

I asked him when he wanted to speak with her and he said he had time that afternoon – so yesterday it was. Jokingly I mentioned that it would be really, really great if he did not mention that she was going somewhere since that incessant talking? Well let’s say that it would become more incessant: perpetual, non-stop, constant, never-ending, unceasing, and unrelenting – not to mention really annoying. He said that was exactly what he needed to do – by law.

He went over to speak with her at Bonne’s since she was swimming in the pool and it was closer and more convenient for him from his ‘downtown’ Richmond office. Since I was home throwing up, I missed the chat, but Bonne said that he was very kind, told her she was going to be going to a new school and would she like that? Jessie said ‘yes’ (I wonder what would have happened if she had said ‘no’?). He also asked her if it would be OK if she didn’t go to the court hearing and Jessie indicated somehow that it was fine by her … so his job was done.

I picked her up approximately 21 hours ago and she has asked me if she is going to a new school, could she pack, could I take her, could daddy take her, etc at least 2000 times and she slept for a good 8 hours of this time. Ok, I get to multiply one question by 5 when she comes into my bedroom and pokes me in the eye and THEN asks me. I was up most of the night throwing up and was laying down today trying to get some sleep, Ryan is at work and she she has a gift of walking in and poking right as I am drifting off to sleep - so extra points.

She has no idea what she is talking about, but is super excited. I am happy that in her mind she is on her way to a new adventure, but it would be really cool if she would stop asking the same questions. She is already packed – taking the essentials in her backpack: Her Ariel quilt (a small quilt Linda made her previously – not the new one below), a woobie, a pack of princess cards and a book about dogs.

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She is ready. My mind on the other hand is screaming: "I'm not ready!" about as often as she asks me if she is going to a new school.

*****

Also on the "Top Ten Things I Will Miss The Most" is Jessie's packing skills - and knowing how to bring just The Essentials: A handmade quilt: to keep her warm and remind her of her friend who loves her dearly, Princess cards: something to play with, Her dog book: something to read and her Woobie: something to comfort her and make her feel safe.

Have I mentioned I have friends?

I came home from Norway and was blissfully unaware that I was without an operating sewing machine for over a year. When it came time to pull the 'ole Viking out, a vital piece of plastic popped off. My workhorse of a sewing machine for my entire married life had died. I started looking at other Vikings and realized that I did not sew enough to justify the non-1979 prices. I had helped a lady program her programmable embroidery machine and was really, really coveting it - but since she had mentioned that it cost about $6500.00, well, it made the Vikings look cheap. It got me looking at embroidery machines though.

I wandered over to my good old friend Amazon.com and bought a Brother embroidery machine that was less that $400.00, stitched a straight line and most importantly: embroidered all the Disney Princesses. It embroiders other things also, but the selling point was that I could buy a card that had all the princesses on it (and other cards also). OK, and it stitches more than just straight lines. It is a fun toy and I was enjoying playing with it when Gary suggested that I stop goofing off and start embroidering stuff for something ... say - like a quilt.

I said OK and started embroidering the princesses on white squares of cotton fabric. I have never made a quilt, thought of making a quilt or really wanted to make a quilt, but I enjoyed embroidering the squares! The level of my seriousness at the time is best described by where I was getting my fabric. Did I go to the fabric store and purchase a bunch of fabric to make the squares? No, I was cutting up old European style pillowcases that we did not use - good fabric, just didn't like the pillowcase style. It is a good thing that I tend to over buy my linens - I had just enough.

It was very calming and when I was having a panic attack, depressed or just in a mood, I would go into my craft room and watch a princess appear out of nowhere. Seriously, no talent required whatsoever.

I started accumulating a bunch of squares and decided that I should really make Jessie a quilt, so I bought the sashing and the back and thought: 'for her birthday'. That came and went and nothing happened. Then I got the Phone Call. Now I wanted her to have the quilt when she went to Richmond State School and I wanted our names to be on it since they were words she would recognize, but still - I had not grown any quilting skills.

Linda, my very wonderful talented friend knew about my quest and had seen the squares. About two weeks ago, she took pity on me and said - 'bring them over'. Today she called and this wonderful, wonderful person had finished my Jessie's quilt. I know she has no idea what it means to me - she does these sorts of huge random acts of kindness on a daily basis for everybody - she is a saint - but for me - someone not used to having friends who will just make a quilt for you because you happen to be incompetent - this is HUGE. I know Jessie will love it and it will bring her comfort during those confusing times when she does not know why she is where she is at and the 'Where's my Mom and Dad?'. We might not be there, but she will recognize our names. And princesses make her happy.

What she probably won't get by looking at the quilt is that she is part of a family who loves her (look horizontally) and that she is a princess (look vertically), but that does not mean it is not true.

Last Bus

They call it the “Short Bus”. A moniker that is kinder than most I have heard in years past. Excited, and on the last day of Summer School she said “I do it myself” and headed off towards it with her backpack in hand. By my estimate, it was approximately her 3250th walk to that bus … and the last from our home.

The years fell away and in my mind’s eye I saw my small, beautiful child: long blond hair and braces on her skinny, wobbly legs. From the top step she turned, waved and shouted: “Bye Mom!” with that smile that radiates the entire spectrum of joy … and then was gone.

I stood there for a very long time after the bus had rounded the corner.

It is difficult to get my mind around August 19th on the bad days ... impossible on the good days.

A Typical "Conversation" ...

Mom, Jessie and Charlie driving in the car today:

Jessie: "Dad? Hi! Where are you?"

Jessie: "Mom music is too loud, I can't hear him!"

Jessie: "Dad, what? What did you say, I can't hear you!"

Jessie: "Mom, music is too loud!"

Mom: "Tell him to speak louder ... better yet - tell him to yell."

Jessie: "I can't hear him."

Jessie (shouting): "Dad? Dad? What?"

Jessie: "Oh, man, he hang up."

Of course - this was all on her imaginary 'finger phone'.
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Her imaginary conversations are definitely in my:
"Top Ten Things I Will Miss The Most".

Where Dreamcatchers (and my sanity) go to Die...

Here’s the thing … I just wanted my kids to have a good education and Travis High School seemed like the place. Never mind that Gary’s boss happened to be in the same ward we would be living in … a bit awkward, but not a disaster, right? Until he gets called as Bishop – so now Bishop and Boss – still fine, I just avoid him. Enter my calling: Enrichment Leader for Relief Society – I have been surviving. We have a high number of Enrichment Activities each month and I have not set fire to the church during any of the Enrichment Nights – so pretty good … for me.

Now, some lady donates a boatload of craft crap and we are supposed to have a Super Craft Saturday, and me? I am a ‘crafty’ wannabe but mainly clueless. Who is the Queen of Craft in the ward? Yeah, the Bishops wife – a wonderful lady I have also been trying to avoid since I can hear the conversation with her husband one evening: “Honey, did you know that Gary’s wife is batshit crazy?” (Ok, she would not say ‘batshit’, but what it is, is what it is …).

She is going over to the house full of the craft crap with me on Monday and I am a bit worried that after, we will come to my house to discuss the dozen or so craft projects that I had come up with and the supplies left needed to get. In my mind, this escalates to going into my craft room, which escalates to “holy crap, it's a mess", which escalates to me at Target today buying 6 large drawer sets, 3 small drawer sets and other spurious 'organizational doohickies' to clean up my craft closet and my craft room, which, actually, had me productive for one whole day this week (since I am sure anyone out there reading this does not count blogging as ‘being productive’ – I am still avoiding life with gusto).



So, when she has that conversation with her husband, it will NOW go: “Honey, did you know that Gary’s wife is batshit crazy? Although, she has a lovely craft room".